A Little Note on Hate...
I was sitting on the bus today, curled up between the seats, reading my book when this little freshman starts to bang on the back of my seat. And, in a flashing moment, I was up, turned around and in that little boy's face. "If you hit my seat one more time I'll slit your fucking throat." My voice sounds demonic.
Then, I snap out of it. The banging eventually stopped and I get off the bus. I haven't hallucinated because of my temper in a while. My temper has actually been hiding under the surface, generally, for a while now.
Beyond the 'Ron incident' where he couldn't work, my temper has basically just been under the water lately. It hasn't showed it's ugly head in a while. Which is good, but it scared me today to realize that it was still there.
Hate. Rage. Anger. The emotion fills my veins and takes me prisoner. The double edge sword of hate still slices into my soul now and again. The pain I cause by hating someone, the despair they feel, and then the pain I cause myself as the hate controls me and I forget to even remember that the sun will rise tomorrow.
There are a few things, okay, people, whom I cannot seem to bring myself to stop hating.
My mother, for one. Regardless of the fact that she probably does care deeply for me and might even love me, I cannot love her. I can barely stand her. The hate I have for her, continuously tears me apart, yet for some reason I can't get past it.
I even told her one day "I wish I could love you."
But I cannot.
I hate many other things, but this isn't supposed to be a rant post. This is a I'm-scared-that-I'm-not-always-in-control post.
So, the end.
ON ANOTHER NOTE:
I have been very happy lately and things in general are going just fine. Good, even. Which is amazing. <3