Never gonna learn - Chapter 1: As inevitable as unexpected

[yoru_no_hikaru]

Title: Never gonna learn
Pairing: Sakumoto
Guest strars: Arashi
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: I don’t own any characters
Warnings: Graphic sexual contents, some angst and some quite strong male idiocy

Summary: So, you can shove them away, but when your feelings overwhelm you, they will mess up your (love)life, no matter what.

“Okay, it’s a wrap. Thank you, everyone,” Nakano declared.
There was a round of clapping and bows, the normal routine you went through at the end of a photo shoot. It had been a cool setting too. Jun was curious to take a look at the pictures.
“Nakano-san,” he called for the photographer. “Can I see some samples?”
“Of course,” Nakano offered. “Come here, have a look.”
They skimmed through some of the pictures, Nakano explained some of his thoughts and Jun kept nodding and pointing out a few things he liked about the pics. They really were good, but even so, no matter how often he stood in front of a camera, he found that he simply couldn’t make himself look good on pictures. He always looked rather plain, sometimes even unbecoming, he found. But then, it was part of his job and the pics were being bought too, so there must have been people who liked them. Jun liked hanging around the set after work was finished. People were more laid back, they talked more easily. He liked that. While he was talking to Nakamura, one of the guys who did the lighting, he got interrupted, though.

“Jun,” Nino called him. “Yakiniku?”
Jun smiled at him. “I can’t go. I have to finish some new song arrangements.”
“Awww,” he heard Aiba whining as he rushed closer. “Jun-kun is not coming?”
“I’m sorry, but I really can’t,” Jun insisted.
“You can still finish those arrangements tomorrow,” Nino suggested.
“Yeah, we should definitely spend some time together,” Aiba urged, wrapping his arm around Jun, who chuckled.
“Stop being bothersome,” Sho interrupted them. “When Jun says he still has work to do, you should not try to lure him away from it. We need to keep organized, or else we’ll break down within just a few days.”

“Always so reasonable,” Ohno sighed as he joined the group.
“Sho-chan, you party pooper,” Aiba accused.
Sho blinked a few times at the choice of words, but he stood by his point.
“It’s not just Jun,” he explained. “I can’t go tonight either. I have to get home and finish a report for tomorrow.”
“Well,” Ohno concluded, “I guess that means it’s going to be a threesome tonight.” He wrapped one arm around Nino and Aiba and grinned gleefully.
Aiba rolled his eyes. “Really, stop trying to make dirty jokes, you suck at them.”
“I’ll leave those to you, then,” Ohno offered.

“Why am I thinking that tonight’s gonna be very embarrassing?” Nino asked, but he laughed even so.
“Just remember to watch out for Aiba,” Jun advised. “You never know where he puts his lips when he’s drunk.”
“Awwww, but you liked being kissed,” Aiba dared.
Jun actually blushed a little, but tried to cover his embarrassment by pointing at Nino.
“This one definitely needs to be kissed.”
Nino pouted. “I get kissed,” he declared.
“Not enough,” Jun argued.

“And then, what am I supposed to do?” Ohno asked.
“You’ll be taking pics, of course,” Jun grinned.
Oho laughed at that. “Neat idea.”
“And next time around we’ll organize a snog for you,” Jun suggested.
“Are you guys quite done?” Sho asked.
Judging by the look on his face he wasn’t too happy with their talk. Jun always thought that Sho was weird when it was about guys getting randomly close to each other. He mused it could be because Sho found he felt attracted to men when he really didn’t want to and tried to avoid anything associated with it whenever he could help it, so guys doing these things randomly just for the fun of it felt like an insult to him. Jun had no such feelings. To him it felt rather easing that his friends could share some experiences with him and found nothing wrong with it at all. But then, he and Sho were very different in mind.

“Sho-chan and Jun should really come too,” Aiba argued.
Sho actually smiled at him. “I’d really want to, but if I don’t go home, I’ll be looking very stupid on TV tomorrow.”
Jun smiled too. Just sometimes Sho was… decent.
“Well, we should get going, then,” Jun concluded. “Guys, take care.”
And so Nino, Aiba and Ohno left the set together, looking for a close-by bar to get drunk in. They waved at their band mates who stayed behind until they couldn’t see them anymore.
“Well, now that the kids are occupied for the night, the adults can finally get to work,” Sho muttered as he walked off to where the cars were parked.
“It’s nice to hang out together,” Jun argued as he tugged along. “I’d like to go.”
“Me too,” Sho admitted. “But it can’t be helped.”
“I guess not,” Jun sighed.

As they reached the backdoor of the building a car came right up to pick them up.
“It’s okay if we go together, right?” Sho asked.
“Sure,” Jun shrugged.
“Your place is closer, so we’ll drop you off,” Sho decided.
Jun nodded as he got into the car. It wasn’t often he and Sho spent time together alone - not since… well, it didn’t matter. His infatuation with Sho was long gone and as far as Sho was concerned, he never had any feelings for Jun, he’d made that much pretty clear. It wasn’t really a big deal. Not anymore. And they absolutely could share a car without feeling awkward around each other. He cast a short side-glance at the man on the seat next to him… and froze. Sho’s eyes were fixed on him. When their eyes met Jun didn’t know what to do. Sho didn’t do anything, or say anything, but neither did he break their gaze. What the fuck was he up to? Jun averted his gaze, shaking his head slightly. He tried to concentrate on the traffic, but he found he kept looking back at Sho again and again just to find the man still looking at him shamelessly.

Jun shifted uncomfortably, feeling Sho’s eyes on his form. He didn’t usually feel awkward around his band mate anymore, hadn’t in a while, really. But the intense look of the other made him feel uncomfortable. Just why wasn’t Sho saying anything? If something was on his mind, why didn’t he just spill it? Or, if he didn’t want to voice, for whatever reason, why didn’t he simply leave it alone altogether? Trying to distract himself Jun got his phone out and checked his mails. When the staring didn’t stop Jun started to be quite unnerved. He tried to distract his observer by repeatedly tapping his foot against the door of the car. When that was to no avail, Jun freaked out. He slammed his phone back into his bag and turned around to glare at Sho.
“Okay, tell me, what the fuck is your problem?” he dared.
Sho started at the sudden outburst and looked actually quite at a loss.
“Wha- no, I…” he stuttered, finally averting his gaze. “You just…”
Jun frowned. “Sorry, what was that?”
He saw Sho wrestling with himself, before the man’s eyes finally bore into his.
“You just look stunning today.”

The words hit Jun so unexpectedly he felt himself freezing in his seat, staring at Sho in utter shock. Unable to do anything but wonder with wide eyes, Jun took in how Sho’s form moved closer to him, his face coming weirdly close to his own and Jun felt slightly nauseous, but found himself still paralyzed - only when he felt Sho’s breath on his face he found the wits to move his hand up quickly and stop Sho’s sudden assault. And once he had regained power over his body, he acted very quickly, pushing Sho back to his side of the back seat. Once he had composed himself just a bit he glared death at Sho.
“What on earth was that supposed to be?!” he demanded. “Are you fucking serious?”
Sho chuckled nervously. “That’s what I’m calling a neat reaction. I was wondering if you’ll slap me across the face.”
“Yeah, right, because that’s what I’d be doing,” Jun complained. “Go, date a girl to satisfy your weird expectations.”
Sho flinched slightly at that. “You know that’s not my cup of tea.”
“Nothing worth talking about is your cup of tea,” Jun retorted. “And really, what was that just now?”

“A try?” Sho suggested with a shrug. “I mean, I knew you wouldn’t comply if I asked you, so I was thinking if maybe I can stun you, I can steal a kiss.”
“Oh wow,” Jun bit out aggressively, “so you knew I wouldn’t let your sorry ass anywhere near me and just thought to yourself that you can trick me so you can force it?”
Jun thought he’d feel a grim kind of satisfaction if he teased Sho with his bad choice of action, but he found himself regretting his harsh words when he found Sho’s face drained of all colour.
“Jun…” Sho almost breathed, as if scared to even touch Jun’s ears with his voice.
“Sorry,” Jun blurted out, averting his gaze. “That… came out wrong.” He crossed his arms and legs in the direction that made him face away from Sho, suddenly feeling wary.
He could still hear Sho’s sigh.

“I guess I deserve it,” Sho muttered. “You have every right to hate me.”
Jun rolled his eyes. “Are you really trying to send me on a guilt trip now?”
“No,” Sho assured him, his voice slightly firmer than before. “I mean it. Just honestly, I mean it. With no second thoughts or expectations.”
Jun sighed. “You know I don’t hate you.”
“But you’re always reserved towards my person,” Sho argued.
Jun glanced at the other from the corner of his eye.
“You broke my heart, you stupid bastard,” he complained. “I’m just trying to protect myself.”
“There’s nothing I can do to you now, though,” Sho stated.

Oh, if you knew…

Jun was actually happy with the fact that he could hide pretty well how easily he still was affected by Sho - his smile, his voice, his mere presence. Jun had to protect himself, because if he wasn’t careful, he was sure that he’d make a grave mistake and he was not so sure if he’d recover from it again, as he had once before.
“And I would never… try to force anything,” Sho impressed on him.
“I know,” Jun growled. “No need to be so… annoying.”
Sho flashed him a sad smile. “You know, sometimes I imagine what would have happened, if things had gone another way.”
“You mean, if you hadn’t been such a jerk?” Jun asked pointedly.
“I wasn’t all that shitty, though,” Sho tried to defend himself.
Jun glared at him. “You only wanted me for sex,” he accused.
“That’s what you concluded,” Sho countered. “And here I want to point out again that no such thing ever happened between us. The best we did was fumbling.”

“Sho,” Jun pressed, getting back to his point, “when someone tells you that they love you and you tell them that it’s not about love, then it is, inevitably, about sex.”
Sho bit his lip.
“Rest my case,” Jun sneered.
“You have no idea what life was like for me,” Sho muttered. “Still is, in part, actually. My entire family wanted to pressure me into quitting the jimusho.”
“Don’t expect sympathy,” Jun told him. “Others have suffered similar or worse fates and managed to turn out decent.”
“It’s not just that,” Sho tried to argue, but he was cut off.
“Don’t pretend it’s solely your family,” Jun barked. “It was you, who said that he didn’t want a relationship. And I’ve known you for a long while now. You don’t want to get involved with a man. Not emotionally, anyway. You have the sex drive and you satisfy it. It’s fair enough, if you’re being clear about your wishes from the beginning. But dammit, I was still almost a child back then. I had the biggest crush on you and you found a nice playmate in me.”

“You might think that way about me, but…” Sho looked right into Jun’s eyes. “Okay, let’s say it’s true that I’m acting my own part in the mess that is my love life. It’s still not something I enjoy, believe me. And I never meant to use you. I was… at awe with how much you liked me and… okay, yes, also with all the things you would allow me, share with me. I fell into that too, you know, head first, and when I realized that I was stuck and that you wanted me there, I just…”
“You realized that I won’t make for a good wife to bear you children,” Jun said dismissively.
“Well, I don’t know if you’ve never begrudged that fact that you won’t be a father someday,” Sho countered, “but as for me, the thought was devastating.”
“You could have thought of that before you answered to me as sweetly as you did. I was the one who was devastated when you changed your mind.”
“You’re not the only one, who was still young back then,” Sho defended himself.

Jun sighed deeply. “I understand that.” He then turned his gaze back towards the other, inspecting him intensely upon his next words. “But you haven’t changed your mind, have you?”
Sho seemed to hold his breath for a moment. Then he shook his head, averting his eyes.
“I can’t say that it’s not still in my mind,” he explained. “But…”
“You can’t approach me like that when you have no intention to make it last,” Jun interrupted him.
“That’s not what I just said,” Sho countered.
“I’m not going to be a secret lover to a husband and father,” Jun stated flatly.
Sho sighed exasperatedly. “I didn’t…” Then his voice dropped in volume as he decided to retreat. “Okay, sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. Forget it. It won’t happen again.”
Jun cursed his heart for tightening painfully at those words. Idiot. Just why did that guy have to torment him like that?

“Of course, we’re always going to be secret lovers,” Sho muttered. “Male or female doesn’t matter. We can’t just openly get into a relationship.”
“There’s still a difference between keeping it from the media and cheating on someone who loves you,” Jun told him. “I’ll never do that.”
“Well, it’s easier for you,” Sho stated with a shrug.
Jun shifted in his seat to fully face Sho. “How dare you assume something like that? Just because I’m not a serious reporter like you I won’t get in trouble if I’m outed? Just because my family isn’t as well-bred as yours it won’t be difficult to bring home a man that I love? Is that what you think?”
“Woah, mate,” Sho tried to calm him. “Relax.”
Jun indeed took a deep breath to calm down a little.
“I’m not a simple guy,” Jun stated calmly. “I am troubled by these things, but as opposed to other people, I don’t run from them, but I face them like a man.”
“Yeah, you’re the man,” Sho muttered.

“What I’m saying is that you can’t simply ignore these things,” Jun stated. “They’re gonna catch up with you some time and then things are gonna be disastrous for you. I admittedly still struggle with the option of coming out to my family. But I know that I want to find someone to spend my life with and at some point just enjoy the intimacy of a love relationship.”
“Wow, you actually want to burden your family with this,” Sho said, astounded. “I didn’t think you’d be egoistic like that.”
Jun laughed bitterly at that. “And again it shows that you’ve never thought about these things properly. There is no way that my family won’t learn about it somehow. For now I can simply insist that finding a girl is too troublesome while we’re popular like this as a group. But at some point they’re gonna notice that I never date any girls. And they’re gonna ask me about it. Plus, they can always hear something, or see something. The worst thing I can think of would be for them to find out and not hearing it from me.”
Sho just looked at Jun for a while and Jun wondered if the other found some of his points actually valid.

“I guess that would be bad,” Sho finally agreed. “That’s why I keep bringing girls around randomly. And I make sure that I’m not detected.”
“Right,” Jun teased, “like visiting certain establishments.”
“That…” Sho tried to defend himself, but then halted. “Well, that wasn’t a very good idea.”
“I wouldn’t necessarily say that,” Jun opposed. “It’s fine to have fun every now and then. And it’s just possible that we’ll be seen.”
“That much would be true,” Sho sighed. “I just can’t…” He looked right at Jun. “Do you never wish to have your own family? Get married? Have kids?”
“I’ve been thinking about it a lot, actually,” Jun told him. He wondered if his feelings showed on his face and if so how that might look. His feelings concerning that issue were complicated, after all. “But ultimately I find that I don’t want to live together as friends - and possibly even pretend a love I do not feel. I want to live with someone I love. And I understand that this means that I won’t be able to have certain things, but I’ll have things that I value a lot.”

Again Jun didn’t receive an answer but merely a pair of intense eyes boring into him. And then he found that he simply could not stop the second assault. He was too… slow? Surprised? Willing? It didn’t matter. When Sho dashed forward to press their lips together Jun did nothing to stop him. He did not answer too enthusiastically, of course, wrap his arms around Sho’s welcoming form, or emit embarrassing sounds of approval.

Oh my god, is that his thigh on my…?!

“Sho,” Jun gasped out, trying to pull away.
“Uh, Jun,” Sho’s voice sounded muffled against Jun’s neck, “you smell so good.”
“Fuck, Sho,” Jun managed to grumble. “We’re in an agency car. Stop… oh shit, get your hand away from there.”
“I can’t,” Sho sighed. “Now that I have my hands on you I can’t stop.”
Jun frowned at that. He shoved Sho with more force and was able to free himself.
“Don’t think you can simply satisfy your needs like that.”
Sho looked at him and Jun could still see the lust in his eyes, but there was also wariness.
“I didn’t mean it like that,” Sho blurted out. “Like it’s just about… that. It’s not. It doesn’t mean anything. Not a thing… if it’s not you. I’ve had sex with guys and with women. But just kissing you feels ten times better than all of that. Why is that? What is it with you? What are you doing to me?”
Jun stared at Sho. “Are you actually trying to tell me that you like me? Now? With that incoherent babble?”

Sho sighed, sounding frustrated. “No, I’m trying to say that I hate this. I hate having these feelings. It’s more than unsettling. The effect that you have on me is more than unnerving and yet, I find myself unable to do anything about it. Every single time you smile at me I just…”
“No, you can’t do that,” Jun cut in. “You can’t pull the `I’m suffering and you’re doing it to me´ card. It’s not fair. You make it sound like we feel the same way. But we don’t.”
“We do,” Sho insisted. “As much as I dislike it. I… like you.”
“You’re horny,” Jun stated, rolling his eyes.
“I know horny,” Sho told him. “It’s not a pleasant feeling. But I’m feeling pleasant with you. You’re something I value a lot.”
“Yeah, enough to try to lay me on the backseat of a car,” Jun commented.
“I’m sorry,” Sho muttered. “I kind of lost control.”

“It’s okay,” Jun stated, straightening himself, much to Sho’s dismay, if one was to go by his facial expression. “But feelings, or not, you keep insisting that they’re not wanted by you.”
“That doesn’t change the fact that I have them,” Sho told him.
“That doesn’t change the fact that you’re not good for me,” Jun retorted. “Call me hard to please, but I want a man who loves me and feels no self-disregard over it. If I accept you, you’ll just hurt me. Again. I can’t let that happen.”
“Okay, so let’s sum it up. I want to be with you, but I can’t handle the feelings that I’m having. And you want to be with me, but my reluctance makes you turn away from me. So, we like each other, but we can’t be together?”

“That’s love, honey,” Jun said simply. “It’s a real bitch. We can’t take any risks. If it were just about a simple try it would be fine. But we have a history. And we’re working together. If we fuck this up, we’re not the only ones who will suffer. Some things are better left alone.”
Sho sighed deeply, seating himself decently again. “I guess so,” he mumbled.
The rest of the drive was spent in complete silence. Jun considered starting random conversation once or twice, but decided that it would be more than unfit. Sho felt more than uncomfortable too, he could tell by the way the other kept shifting next to him - but that was Sho’s problem, really. He had his own issues to deal with, such as keeping himself from resuming their earlier actions. He felt more than relieved when they finally arrived at his apartment. He quickly jumped out of the car.
“See you next week,” he muttered half-heartedly without looking at Sho.

If the other answered him Jun didn’t hear it, because he was too eager to slam the door of the car shut. From there he all but ran into his apartment. Jun felt numbed, only half-conscious while he took a shower and drank some tea. He knew he worked on his song arrangements, he made quite some progress too, but afterwards he had no idea what they actually sounded like. He decided to brush his teeth and simply go to bed. What felt like three nights later he didn’t even know how long he’ been lying in bed before with a deep sigh he decided he couldn’t take it anymore. He sat up and grabbed his phone from the night stand. He checked the time - and sighed again.

Past 3a.m.

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Okay, it's a long post, so please move on to Part 2