Angel Lite, Chapter One
So there's a lot of Twilight snark around. So, in lieu of all that, I've decided to try a hand at some of my own snark: Angel Lite. ("Angel Lite" as a reference to the TV show, of course.) It was originally a joke amongst some friends, but they've persuaded me to post it. Note that if you like Twilight... well, you're still welcome to read, but do be aware my intention is not to insult the fans - it is friendly snark, plain and simple.
Here is my snark of the first chapter. Let's see if I can make this a new project.
Chapter One: Beautiful Swan in a Damp Green Hole
Phoenix, Arizona. Bella's Mom, Renee, drives Bella to an airport. She stops the car.
Renee: Honey, you don't have to go!
Bella: It's okay, Mom. I can't exactly avoid the “go away” vibes you've given me since you met Phil.
Renee: I do feel terribly guilty -
Bella: Hey, I can't complain, I know I'll do the same thing when I fall irrevocably in love with someone.
Bella then boards the plane from the car, and magically lands in Seattle five seconds later. Or so it seems, given that we never actually see an airport or airplane.
Governor Swann: Elizabeth!
Oops, wrong fandom.
Bella: Hi dad.
Charlie: Wassup. I got you a car.
Bella: Really?
Charlie: Yeah. Remember Plot Point -
Bella: Who the hell is Plot Point?
Charlie: Sorry, I meant Billy Black. We used to go fishing with him. He can't drive anymore, so you get his car now.
The duo get into the car, and have a deep and meaningful conversation along the way home.
Bella: ...
Charlie: ...
Washington: Is green.
Bella's Car in Charlie's Driveway: Is a red, too perfect for words truck.
Birds: Sing.
Grasshoppers: Chirp.
Suethor Alarms: Blare throughout Forks, Washington.
Bella: W00t!
Bella puts her luggage in her bedroom, noting that it only took one trip to do so.
Charlie: I won't hover. Bye.
Bella's rocking chair is still in her bedroom, because Charlie hasn't managed to find a new place for it in at least ten years. Bella has a computer in her room. Forks High has 357 students, 358 if you count Bella because she is speshul enough to be the only new kid. Bella's skin is pearl white, and it would look great in the light except that there's no light in Washington and she doesn't have red hair that would be an excuse for daring to have such pale skin to begin with.
Also, Bella has a severe personality disorder, because this causes her to burst into tears and cry herself to sleep.
The next morning, Bella eats breakfast with Charlie, and they have another meaningful conversation.
Charlie: Good luck at school.
Bella: Thanks.
Charlie leaves, and Bella follows suit. Despite the fact that Bella is probably somewhat new to driving, being a teemager, and hasn't even been in Forks for twelve hours, she finds her school in the nick of time.
Bella heads to the main office, which has a waiting area and three desks. The secretary (I assume) is wearing a purple t-shirt, which makes Bella feel overdressed. Stephenie does not tell us what Bella is wearing that would make her feel this way.
Secretary: Can I help you?
Bella: Isabella Swan reporting for Suety.
Secretary: Of course! I know exactly who you are and why you're here, no need to clarify.
The secretary goes over Bella's schedule and the map of the school, possibly offering more support to her than her own parents have.
Bella walks back to her truck, and drives to the next building. Apparently, the high school is in two buildings. We are not told any more than that. As Bella drives, she muses how while back home, she scarcely went a day without seeing a Porsche or Mercedes Benz in the student parking lot, the fanciest car in the parking lot of Forks High is a Volvo. I begin to think Bella and Mina de Malfois would get on well.
Nothing: Remotely interesting happens. Bella goes into English, and her Professor gawks at her last name because Charlie's some sort of Forks Police Chief BNF.
When the class ends, a guy named Eric approaches her. He has a nasal voice, is “gangly”, and has bad skin. And glasses. The “Chess Club type.” Ergo - not good enough for Bella.
Bella: WTF?
Eric: N00B?
Bella: Yeah. I'm from AZ.
Eric: Oh.
Bella: G2G.
Eric: TTYL?
Bella: Mebbe.
I feel sorry for Eric , and note that he seems like the type of guy I would've befriended instantly. Meanwhile, Bella goes to Trigonometry, and hates her teacher because he teaches Trig and because he makes her introduce herself in front of everyone. The latter I can understand, but the former seems a bit harsh - how old is Bella, five?
Bella then goes to Spanish, and a girl with dark curly hair who had also just been in her Trig class sits next to her, and talks to her. She “prattles about teachers and classes”, and Bella doesn't bother keeping up. Because someone being nice to you is BAD.
For some reason, despite already not liking this girl, Bella sits with her at lunch. Eric waves to her, and Bella dies in horror.
Actually, no. But she may as well.
Bella notices a group of people a few tables in front of her. I'll spare you the complete details, but they are described as “devastatingly, inhumanely beautiful.” And yet at the same time, show signs of sleep deprivation. I know I'm not a pretty sight when I haven't slept, but then again, I'm not a Vampire Sue.
Bella: Hey, who are they?
Jessica (as we learn the girl from her classes was called): Oh, those are the Cullen kids.
Bella: They're nice looking.
Jessica: Ooh, yes. But they're always together. I mean, they even live together.
(This is apparently abnormal for siblings.)
Bella: They don't look related.
Jessica: They were adopted.
Bella: That's nice of the Cullens to have all those kids.
Jessica: I guess. I mean, I think it was just because Mrs. Cullen can't have kids. Which is like, such an uncommon reason to adopt.
The Cullens continue to look at the walls, as opposed to eating. Which doesn't look suspicious at all. I know when I was bored at lunch in school, I just left the cafeteria and wrote fanfic in the hallway, or talked to my friends.
Bella: Have they always lived here?
Jessica: No, duh! They're from Alaska.
Bella feels pity for them, as well as relief because she's not the only new person there. Although two years in a place isn't exactly new, even when it is a small town.
Bella's eyes fall on Edward, the boy with reddish brown hair. He “holds” her glance in curiosity.
Bella: The boy! With red hair! I MUST know his name!
Jessica: ... Edward? Don't forget to breathe over him, he doesn't date.
The girls eat some more, and Bella goes to Biology with a girl named Angela. Angela already has a partner, and so she sits with him/her. That leaves Bella to sit next to Edward.
Edward glares at her, and Bella goes red. Some girl giggles as Bella trips.
Bella pays very close attention to Edward's body; she notes that his forearm is muscular, and that his hand is clenched into a first.
The class is boring, if not as boring as the last couple of chapters of this book. Bella gets up, and notices Edward is glaring again. For some reason, this does not cause her to run away as fast as possible. She is approached by another guy with a “cute baby face” who doesn't seem to think she smells bad. What that has to do with anything is beyond me.
Guy: Aren't you Isabella Swan?
Bella: Bella. :)
Mike: I'm Mike.
Bella: Hi, Mike.
Mike: So why was Edward Cullen being so weird to you? Did you stab him with your pencil?
Bella: I don't know. I mean, I only stared at him for about five minutes at lunch!
Mike: He's weird. I would've sat with you if I'd been lucky enough to be near you.
Bella smiles at Mike, deciding he is “admiring” and worthy of her attention.
Gym class is non-eventful. In fact, there was no reason to mention it, but that's Stephenie Meyer for you.
For some reason, at the end of the day, Bella goes to the office. She sees Edward in front of her, arguing with the secretary that he wants to switch to a new Biology class. Bella simply cannot believe it has anything to do with her!
Edward turns, and glares at Bella. Chills run down her back. (So much for love at first sight.) Edward then turns back to the secretary.
Edward: I guess I'm going to have to be emo all year long, then!
Secretary (to Bella): And how was your first day, dear?
Bella: Fine.
The chapter ends with Bella driving home, fighting tears and thinking of the car as her only haven in this “damp green hole.”
Here is my snark of the first chapter. Let's see if I can make this a new project.
Chapter One: Beautiful Swan in a Damp Green Hole
Phoenix, Arizona. Bella's Mom, Renee, drives Bella to an airport. She stops the car.
Renee: Honey, you don't have to go!
Bella: It's okay, Mom. I can't exactly avoid the “go away” vibes you've given me since you met Phil.
Renee: I do feel terribly guilty -
Bella: Hey, I can't complain, I know I'll do the same thing when I fall irrevocably in love with someone.
Bella then boards the plane from the car, and magically lands in Seattle five seconds later. Or so it seems, given that we never actually see an airport or airplane.
Governor Swann: Elizabeth!
Oops, wrong fandom.
Bella: Hi dad.
Charlie: Wassup. I got you a car.
Bella: Really?
Charlie: Yeah. Remember Plot Point -
Bella: Who the hell is Plot Point?
Charlie: Sorry, I meant Billy Black. We used to go fishing with him. He can't drive anymore, so you get his car now.
The duo get into the car, and have a deep and meaningful conversation along the way home.
Bella: ...
Charlie: ...
Washington: Is green.
Bella's Car in Charlie's Driveway: Is a red, too perfect for words truck.
Birds: Sing.
Grasshoppers: Chirp.
Suethor Alarms: Blare throughout Forks, Washington.
Bella: W00t!
Bella puts her luggage in her bedroom, noting that it only took one trip to do so.
Charlie: I won't hover. Bye.
Bella's rocking chair is still in her bedroom, because Charlie hasn't managed to find a new place for it in at least ten years. Bella has a computer in her room. Forks High has 357 students, 358 if you count Bella because she is speshul enough to be the only new kid. Bella's skin is pearl white, and it would look great in the light except that there's no light in Washington and she doesn't have red hair that would be an excuse for daring to have such pale skin to begin with.
Also, Bella has a severe personality disorder, because this causes her to burst into tears and cry herself to sleep.
The next morning, Bella eats breakfast with Charlie, and they have another meaningful conversation.
Charlie: Good luck at school.
Bella: Thanks.
Charlie leaves, and Bella follows suit. Despite the fact that Bella is probably somewhat new to driving, being a teemager, and hasn't even been in Forks for twelve hours, she finds her school in the nick of time.
Bella heads to the main office, which has a waiting area and three desks. The secretary (I assume) is wearing a purple t-shirt, which makes Bella feel overdressed. Stephenie does not tell us what Bella is wearing that would make her feel this way.
Secretary: Can I help you?
Bella: Isabella Swan reporting for Suety.
Secretary: Of course! I know exactly who you are and why you're here, no need to clarify.
The secretary goes over Bella's schedule and the map of the school, possibly offering more support to her than her own parents have.
Bella walks back to her truck, and drives to the next building. Apparently, the high school is in two buildings. We are not told any more than that. As Bella drives, she muses how while back home, she scarcely went a day without seeing a Porsche or Mercedes Benz in the student parking lot, the fanciest car in the parking lot of Forks High is a Volvo. I begin to think Bella and Mina de Malfois would get on well.
Nothing: Remotely interesting happens. Bella goes into English, and her Professor gawks at her last name because Charlie's some sort of Forks Police Chief BNF.
When the class ends, a guy named Eric approaches her. He has a nasal voice, is “gangly”, and has bad skin. And glasses. The “Chess Club type.” Ergo - not good enough for Bella.
Bella: WTF?
Eric: N00B?
Bella: Yeah. I'm from AZ.
Eric: Oh.
Bella: G2G.
Eric: TTYL?
Bella: Mebbe.
I feel sorry for Eric , and note that he seems like the type of guy I would've befriended instantly. Meanwhile, Bella goes to Trigonometry, and hates her teacher because he teaches Trig and because he makes her introduce herself in front of everyone. The latter I can understand, but the former seems a bit harsh - how old is Bella, five?
Bella then goes to Spanish, and a girl with dark curly hair who had also just been in her Trig class sits next to her, and talks to her. She “prattles about teachers and classes”, and Bella doesn't bother keeping up. Because someone being nice to you is BAD.
For some reason, despite already not liking this girl, Bella sits with her at lunch. Eric waves to her, and Bella dies in horror.
Actually, no. But she may as well.
Bella notices a group of people a few tables in front of her. I'll spare you the complete details, but they are described as “devastatingly, inhumanely beautiful.” And yet at the same time, show signs of sleep deprivation. I know I'm not a pretty sight when I haven't slept, but then again, I'm not a Vampire Sue.
Bella: Hey, who are they?
Jessica (as we learn the girl from her classes was called): Oh, those are the Cullen kids.
Bella: They're nice looking.
Jessica: Ooh, yes. But they're always together. I mean, they even live together.
(This is apparently abnormal for siblings.)
Bella: They don't look related.
Jessica: They were adopted.
Bella: That's nice of the Cullens to have all those kids.
Jessica: I guess. I mean, I think it was just because Mrs. Cullen can't have kids. Which is like, such an uncommon reason to adopt.
The Cullens continue to look at the walls, as opposed to eating. Which doesn't look suspicious at all. I know when I was bored at lunch in school, I just left the cafeteria and wrote fanfic in the hallway, or talked to my friends.
Bella: Have they always lived here?
Jessica: No, duh! They're from Alaska.
Bella feels pity for them, as well as relief because she's not the only new person there. Although two years in a place isn't exactly new, even when it is a small town.
Bella's eyes fall on Edward, the boy with reddish brown hair. He “holds” her glance in curiosity.
Bella: The boy! With red hair! I MUST know his name!
Jessica: ... Edward? Don't forget to breathe over him, he doesn't date.
The girls eat some more, and Bella goes to Biology with a girl named Angela. Angela already has a partner, and so she sits with him/her. That leaves Bella to sit next to Edward.
Edward glares at her, and Bella goes red. Some girl giggles as Bella trips.
Bella pays very close attention to Edward's body; she notes that his forearm is muscular, and that his hand is clenched into a first.
The class is boring, if not as boring as the last couple of chapters of this book. Bella gets up, and notices Edward is glaring again. For some reason, this does not cause her to run away as fast as possible. She is approached by another guy with a “cute baby face” who doesn't seem to think she smells bad. What that has to do with anything is beyond me.
Guy: Aren't you Isabella Swan?
Bella: Bella. :)
Mike: I'm Mike.
Bella: Hi, Mike.
Mike: So why was Edward Cullen being so weird to you? Did you stab him with your pencil?
Bella: I don't know. I mean, I only stared at him for about five minutes at lunch!
Mike: He's weird. I would've sat with you if I'd been lucky enough to be near you.
Bella smiles at Mike, deciding he is “admiring” and worthy of her attention.
Gym class is non-eventful. In fact, there was no reason to mention it, but that's Stephenie Meyer for you.
For some reason, at the end of the day, Bella goes to the office. She sees Edward in front of her, arguing with the secretary that he wants to switch to a new Biology class. Bella simply cannot believe it has anything to do with her!
Edward turns, and glares at Bella. Chills run down her back. (So much for love at first sight.) Edward then turns back to the secretary.
Edward: I guess I'm going to have to be emo all year long, then!
Secretary (to Bella): And how was your first day, dear?
Bella: Fine.
The chapter ends with Bella driving home, fighting tears and thinking of the car as her only haven in this “damp green hole.”