Oh the Angst...
Kind of.. But not really. This medication I'm on seems to be helping quite a bit. My moods have pretty much leveled out, and I only seems to lose it when I actually have a reason instead of creating one to be pissed off about. I've begun to think clearly for the first time in what seems like forever. I sat in bed last night, listening to Adam snoring... And just.... Thought. Thought about everything. I am pretty sure I've drawn a couple of conclusions...
First conclusion: I love Adam. I really do. But being around him is sometimes really depressing... Depressing because he doesn't listen most of the time. Depressing because he doesn't seem to realize that in order to maintain a healthy relationship, we need to spend more time together than just the 3 hours in between him getting off work and him going to bed. He hasn't taken a day off in 2 weeks as of yesterday, and that is including weekends, and its beginning to wear on me. It's beginning to wear on me because we don't spend any time together. We went to Matt and Erin's yesterday, and he slept the whole time we were there. Even when he's here, he's not. He talks about nothing but welding and all the money he's making. The money is all fine and dandy, but he's beginning to neglect the things at home. It seems to be all about him. I try to tell him this and all of a sudden it's my own fault for being unhappy. It has nothing to do with him. I'm getting fairly fed up with being blamed for being unhappy.
Second conclusion: I realized I am very much attracted to someone I met through Matt and Erin. Well, I really met her through Erin, but didn't really start getting to know her until Matt and Erin moved into that apartment. I'm aware that attraction happens, but I'm really attracted to her. And not just physically. Well, I am attracted to her physically, but that's not the only attraction. She's a bit older than me, but there's just something about her that I find myself attracted to. This creates an inner problem for me.
I'm on my way to getting a job, which means that I'm on my way to real financial independence. And not just one of those throw away jobs like I have been getting, but a job that has prospects. I have the study guide from the Post Office, my sister is going to put in a good word for me at Regence Blue Shield customer service, and I had an interview at Fred Meyer yesterday. I really want to be financially independent. Now, this isn't coming from the depressed Bonnie that we all know and have come to love, this is from the Bonnie that has finally stabilized herself. I Really believe that I need to be truly independent for a while. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to do that, after I become more stable in which ever job I end up with, hopefully I'll be a bit better off.
That's another problem. I'm living off of Adam right now and I can't stand it. I haven't lived off of someone this dependently since I was 11. Financially, emotionally, I am living off of Adam and it's driving me crazy. Not only because I don't like it, but because he keeps throwing it in my face. He told me that he viewed Me and Him as a family. Yet, with all the money he's making, it's all his money. He bitches about having to buy groceries, he bitches about having to put gas in my car. I have had to explain to him on numerous occasions that if he wants me to remain here with him, he needs to help me with gas, because I don't like Alger. The only reason I stay is because he's here. Its the only reason this place is worth anything to me. Yet, being here makes me depressed. Sometimes being around Adam makes me depressed. He's working himself to death, and he wont listen to me when I tell him that he needs to take a day off. Not only for himself, but if he wants this relationship to survive, he needs to be more mindful of the time requirements of a relationship of this magnitude. Once again, when I tell him this, somehow its my fault. It all comes back down on me.
We'll see how it pans out once I get stabilized in a better job.
First conclusion: I love Adam. I really do. But being around him is sometimes really depressing... Depressing because he doesn't listen most of the time. Depressing because he doesn't seem to realize that in order to maintain a healthy relationship, we need to spend more time together than just the 3 hours in between him getting off work and him going to bed. He hasn't taken a day off in 2 weeks as of yesterday, and that is including weekends, and its beginning to wear on me. It's beginning to wear on me because we don't spend any time together. We went to Matt and Erin's yesterday, and he slept the whole time we were there. Even when he's here, he's not. He talks about nothing but welding and all the money he's making. The money is all fine and dandy, but he's beginning to neglect the things at home. It seems to be all about him. I try to tell him this and all of a sudden it's my own fault for being unhappy. It has nothing to do with him. I'm getting fairly fed up with being blamed for being unhappy.
Second conclusion: I realized I am very much attracted to someone I met through Matt and Erin. Well, I really met her through Erin, but didn't really start getting to know her until Matt and Erin moved into that apartment. I'm aware that attraction happens, but I'm really attracted to her. And not just physically. Well, I am attracted to her physically, but that's not the only attraction. She's a bit older than me, but there's just something about her that I find myself attracted to. This creates an inner problem for me.
I'm on my way to getting a job, which means that I'm on my way to real financial independence. And not just one of those throw away jobs like I have been getting, but a job that has prospects. I have the study guide from the Post Office, my sister is going to put in a good word for me at Regence Blue Shield customer service, and I had an interview at Fred Meyer yesterday. I really want to be financially independent. Now, this isn't coming from the depressed Bonnie that we all know and have come to love, this is from the Bonnie that has finally stabilized herself. I Really believe that I need to be truly independent for a while. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to do that, after I become more stable in which ever job I end up with, hopefully I'll be a bit better off.
That's another problem. I'm living off of Adam right now and I can't stand it. I haven't lived off of someone this dependently since I was 11. Financially, emotionally, I am living off of Adam and it's driving me crazy. Not only because I don't like it, but because he keeps throwing it in my face. He told me that he viewed Me and Him as a family. Yet, with all the money he's making, it's all his money. He bitches about having to buy groceries, he bitches about having to put gas in my car. I have had to explain to him on numerous occasions that if he wants me to remain here with him, he needs to help me with gas, because I don't like Alger. The only reason I stay is because he's here. Its the only reason this place is worth anything to me. Yet, being here makes me depressed. Sometimes being around Adam makes me depressed. He's working himself to death, and he wont listen to me when I tell him that he needs to take a day off. Not only for himself, but if he wants this relationship to survive, he needs to be more mindful of the time requirements of a relationship of this magnitude. Once again, when I tell him this, somehow its my fault. It all comes back down on me.
We'll see how it pans out once I get stabilized in a better job.