I'm married!
I woke up today and I found out I was married. This was due to the fact that I was wasted the night before. I started drinking about two weeks ago, and I think this was my third or fourth time doing it. Due to the sheer volume that I consume and my inexperience, it becomes painfully obvious to anyone who observes me that I can't hold my liquor. Also attesting to this fact is the mute evidence of my friending everyone on Facebook until Facebook told me to stop. Yes, if I've friended you within the last two weeks, chances are I was drunk.Please don't take that as an insult, since I'm happy that you've accepted, and I'm stone cold sober as I write this.
The sick irony of this marriage is that it comes in the midst of a blackout. Which is horrible considering that I pride myself on my elephantine episodic Long-Term Memory. I can remember things to back when I was three, but I can't remember my own wedding. Fortunately, my blushing bride seems to remember more of last night than I do, and there are also some eyewitness accounts of me being a complete jackass at the bar, to the point of me almost getting thrown out.
Fortunately, my wife isn't a COMPLETE stranger to me. I wound up marrying Brook Tolland. For those of you who don't remember or never knew Brook, she and her family moved to Lawrence Road for a school year when I was in fourth grade, shortly after the Troddas moved away. She was the second of four children. Her older sister Heather has arthritic knees. She also has a younger sister named Melissa and a younger brother named Aaron. I haven't seen him since he was two, and now, according to Brook, he's taller than I am. Adults described her as "precocious". We kids at the bus stop, on the other hand, described her as "bossy." Nevertheless, you could usually find my ex-brother and I playing in the Tollands' backyard with the Tolland sisters, which led to some very interesting misadventures and fun times.
So anyway, at my usual haunt (if you want to call it "usual" at this point, since you can count on one hand how many times I've gone drinking), I ran into Brook, saw how gorgeous she was, and bought her a drink. We struck up a conversation, and eventually we realized who the other one was, and then we started to reminisce about the bad old days. We talked... and drank... and drank... and drank... and drank... and talked some more.
Then one of us--we aren't sure exactly who--mentioned the backyard wedding the two of us had one day. Heather officiated, Jeff was the best man, and Melissa was the maid of honor. And then one of us--probably me--thought that we since we already were married, we should "renew our vows." See, Kelly, this is why I got married despite being against the institution. I was already obligated to get married because we were already married. Somehow, I think you need to be as
seriously inebriated as we were to understand the logic of all this. Anyway, seeing as I was perpetually single and Brook was tired of being between boyfriends (you can't really call a woman who looks as good as she does "single", they're just deciding which one they want), we went to tie the knot.
Okay, fine. I'm a hypocrite. I hate conformity just like everyone else.
We had ourselves a beautiful ceremony. An Elvis impersonator who got laid off from his gig in Vegas officiated, since he doubled as a notary, and no one threw up during the proceedings. In this sort of situation, that's about as much as you can hope for. Brook is a beautiful, charming woman even when we're both sober, and she assures me that there's no way in hell that I can be even half the asshole her ex-boyfriend was. So I'm very happy with how this April Fools Day joke turned out. Oh, and a small confession: I was never actually drinking or drunk. That was all just a lead-up to this. I hope there are no hard feelings between me and all of you. I meant it solely in good fun. Hope everyone had a good day!
The sick irony of this marriage is that it comes in the midst of a blackout. Which is horrible considering that I pride myself on my elephantine episodic Long-Term Memory. I can remember things to back when I was three, but I can't remember my own wedding. Fortunately, my blushing bride seems to remember more of last night than I do, and there are also some eyewitness accounts of me being a complete jackass at the bar, to the point of me almost getting thrown out.
Fortunately, my wife isn't a COMPLETE stranger to me. I wound up marrying Brook Tolland. For those of you who don't remember or never knew Brook, she and her family moved to Lawrence Road for a school year when I was in fourth grade, shortly after the Troddas moved away. She was the second of four children. Her older sister Heather has arthritic knees. She also has a younger sister named Melissa and a younger brother named Aaron. I haven't seen him since he was two, and now, according to Brook, he's taller than I am. Adults described her as "precocious". We kids at the bus stop, on the other hand, described her as "bossy." Nevertheless, you could usually find my ex-brother and I playing in the Tollands' backyard with the Tolland sisters, which led to some very interesting misadventures and fun times.
So anyway, at my usual haunt (if you want to call it "usual" at this point, since you can count on one hand how many times I've gone drinking), I ran into Brook, saw how gorgeous she was, and bought her a drink. We struck up a conversation, and eventually we realized who the other one was, and then we started to reminisce about the bad old days. We talked... and drank... and drank... and drank... and drank... and talked some more.
Then one of us--we aren't sure exactly who--mentioned the backyard wedding the two of us had one day. Heather officiated, Jeff was the best man, and Melissa was the maid of honor. And then one of us--probably me--thought that we since we already were married, we should "renew our vows." See, Kelly, this is why I got married despite being against the institution. I was already obligated to get married because we were already married. Somehow, I think you need to be as
seriously inebriated as we were to understand the logic of all this. Anyway, seeing as I was perpetually single and Brook was tired of being between boyfriends (you can't really call a woman who looks as good as she does "single", they're just deciding which one they want), we went to tie the knot.
Okay, fine. I'm a hypocrite. I hate conformity just like everyone else.
We had ourselves a beautiful ceremony. An Elvis impersonator who got laid off from his gig in Vegas officiated, since he doubled as a notary, and no one threw up during the proceedings. In this sort of situation, that's about as much as you can hope for. Brook is a beautiful, charming woman even when we're both sober, and she assures me that there's no way in hell that I can be even half the asshole her ex-boyfriend was. So I'm very happy with how this April Fools Day joke turned out. Oh, and a small confession: I was never actually drinking or drunk. That was all just a lead-up to this. I hope there are no hard feelings between me and all of you. I meant it solely in good fun. Hope everyone had a good day!