Update

[aussiemook]

So it turns out my fuel pump was shot. Most likely my fuel filter, which was kind of blocked up a bit, caused the fuel pump to work too hard and eventually die. The lights on the dashboard went on because none of my car's systems were getting any fuel. The reason it wouldn't accelerate was because ... surprise! cars need fuel to run. Amazing, huh????

Anyway that's about it. It certainly cost a small fortune, that's for sure! Good thing I have a job. :o)