Monday Monday. Can't help that day.
Today was horrible.
Horrible horrible horrible.
43.75%. FUCK.
It's funny sometimes how something that shouldn't be so hard is harder than it really is... though that was a redundant statement, does anyone get my drift? Take school, for example. It should be easy.. ish to manage time enough for social life and homework.. But I am incapable. it should be easy enough to do the work and get the homework in and yadda yadda.. but I just don't care anymore. I honestly have no motivation left in me and it's a horrible feeling. This F will get me a GPA so low... I didn't think it was possible. It's the worst feeling in the world, knowing I had the capability to succeed but I decided to fuck myself over by doing something I thought would help me increase my chances. I am so scared to tell my parents because they have such high expectations of me and their cold, bitter disappointment never fails to leave me depressed. I want to impress them because with that comes the impression of myself to me.. and if I'm not impressed with myself, then why try? When I look back at high school, I will remember that day and how that one, stupid decision possibly changed some sort of path of my future. And then that cold rush of regret and humility and just plain conflict takes over me and I want to run and hide and rewind time and let everyone know that I'm not some high school screw-up that came from an alternative school, but an original being who is not perfect but still manages to succeed to she is satisfied, as is everyone around her. Not that I feel any pressure, necessarily, as it IS my life, after all. But I hate giving a false impression or showing a false side of me because then it isn't fair to me and my life...
Basically... this is the biggest regret so far and I have never been so nervous before... not knowing what to expect from my parents, my own parents, who love me so much... who expect so much from me that I want to shoot myself and cry all night and whose intentions are to make life miserable for me... all in the nature of my benefit, apparently. Their cold, simple, sad disappointment will leave me in tears for the remainder of this week, I'm sure. That's why I'm telling them before tour, so they will have a chance to think it over while I am not there.
I hate hating school and wishing that everything was different, and that things were constantly happening in a different way, a different place... In feeling so lethargic, I realize that I wasn't meant to succeed in this. I wasn't meant to because everything has a purpose and since I didn't succeed, then I wasn't meant to... and that's just how it is. But how can I be satisfied with that? How am I supposed to just accept that and live on and deal... because it's harder than that. There is so much more to life than fate and success. And I want all of it, but most of all, I just want happiness. I just want that goddamn fucking satisfaction of how happy I am with myself and my life and everything involved with it. And is that really living in a fantasy world? I'm young.. I'm naive, but I'm not stupid and I know what my values are in life and I know I want nothing more than to not count high school in my life and live on and pretend I did it and have everyone believe me and have as many chances as everyone else and live the perfect, happy, beautiful life. But it's too much to ask. Athena, we came up with an amazing world.
I just hate it. I hate school, a large chunk of life, everything but my friends, summer, my music, little experiences that I will cherish and remember forever, and the knowledge extracted from that horrid institution.
Perhaps, once they realize the variety of my imperfections, they will understand, as will I, that in life, this is only a small, small thing... and the only thing that matters is happiness, love and self-being all in its self. And then things will be easier...
And the knots in my neck will soon die away.
I miss Helen.
Horrible horrible horrible.
43.75%. FUCK.
It's funny sometimes how something that shouldn't be so hard is harder than it really is... though that was a redundant statement, does anyone get my drift? Take school, for example. It should be easy.. ish to manage time enough for social life and homework.. But I am incapable. it should be easy enough to do the work and get the homework in and yadda yadda.. but I just don't care anymore. I honestly have no motivation left in me and it's a horrible feeling. This F will get me a GPA so low... I didn't think it was possible. It's the worst feeling in the world, knowing I had the capability to succeed but I decided to fuck myself over by doing something I thought would help me increase my chances. I am so scared to tell my parents because they have such high expectations of me and their cold, bitter disappointment never fails to leave me depressed. I want to impress them because with that comes the impression of myself to me.. and if I'm not impressed with myself, then why try? When I look back at high school, I will remember that day and how that one, stupid decision possibly changed some sort of path of my future. And then that cold rush of regret and humility and just plain conflict takes over me and I want to run and hide and rewind time and let everyone know that I'm not some high school screw-up that came from an alternative school, but an original being who is not perfect but still manages to succeed to she is satisfied, as is everyone around her. Not that I feel any pressure, necessarily, as it IS my life, after all. But I hate giving a false impression or showing a false side of me because then it isn't fair to me and my life...
Basically... this is the biggest regret so far and I have never been so nervous before... not knowing what to expect from my parents, my own parents, who love me so much... who expect so much from me that I want to shoot myself and cry all night and whose intentions are to make life miserable for me... all in the nature of my benefit, apparently. Their cold, simple, sad disappointment will leave me in tears for the remainder of this week, I'm sure. That's why I'm telling them before tour, so they will have a chance to think it over while I am not there.
I hate hating school and wishing that everything was different, and that things were constantly happening in a different way, a different place... In feeling so lethargic, I realize that I wasn't meant to succeed in this. I wasn't meant to because everything has a purpose and since I didn't succeed, then I wasn't meant to... and that's just how it is. But how can I be satisfied with that? How am I supposed to just accept that and live on and deal... because it's harder than that. There is so much more to life than fate and success. And I want all of it, but most of all, I just want happiness. I just want that goddamn fucking satisfaction of how happy I am with myself and my life and everything involved with it. And is that really living in a fantasy world? I'm young.. I'm naive, but I'm not stupid and I know what my values are in life and I know I want nothing more than to not count high school in my life and live on and pretend I did it and have everyone believe me and have as many chances as everyone else and live the perfect, happy, beautiful life. But it's too much to ask. Athena, we came up with an amazing world.
I just hate it. I hate school, a large chunk of life, everything but my friends, summer, my music, little experiences that I will cherish and remember forever, and the knowledge extracted from that horrid institution.
Perhaps, once they realize the variety of my imperfections, they will understand, as will I, that in life, this is only a small, small thing... and the only thing that matters is happiness, love and self-being all in its self. And then things will be easier...
And the knots in my neck will soon die away.
I miss Helen.