why I'm out of touch so much
Several people have pointed out to me in the last couple of months that they rarely hear from me anywhere - not journal, email, phone or even the dreaded USPostal Orifice. And they all say "where have you been?" It's nice to know I've been missed. But in thinking about why I've "dropped off the planet in the last few years" as one friend put it, I've come to some realizations, not all of them good.
1. When life is not going well for me, I drop out of site. Doesn't matter whether it's because I'm sick or depressed or unhappy or overworked. If I'm not in a positive place, I try to keep to myself and not inflict whatever it is on other people. Now, most of my friends would say "that's what we're here for -- inflict away." But it's just me. I was raised in a family where negative feelings, thoughts and words were suppressed at the end of a belt. So I hide myself away and shove all that negativity into a locked box.
2. This is a really bad thing for me to do. First, because I neglect people who are *very* important to me. Second because I need those people the most at that time. Third because suppressing just leads to more negativity. And finally, that lock box eventually get so overstuffed it explodes. When that happens I either throw a temper fit to end all temper fits. Asjachyld heard/saw one of those at work a few months ago. Or I get severely depressed. Seanpatfannon can tell you what I'm like when that happens. Neither is pretty.
3. My friends decide that I don't (a)want to be friends any more, (b) am angry with them over something or (c)have lost their address, phone number, email, etc. Some of these folks have been my friends for more than a decade and I love each and every one of them with all my heart. It's really terrible to let them think I no longer care or have an interest in them.
So this leads me to conclude that there are things I need to do. I suppose you could say these are my resolutions for 2006 but I don't believe in NY's resolutions.
1. I've got to get a life. For the last four years, my life has been working, worrying about $$ and taking care of other people -- husband, autistic stepson, elderly parents of mine (2), elderly parents of husband (3). I've got no hobbies or outside interests left. I read maybe 2 books a year instead of 2 books a week. I don't write or sew or make music or do any of the other creative things that have always been part of my life. And I miss the creativity and the mental stimulation.
2. I've got to get back in touch with all these folks and apologize profusely for my neglect. I can't promise a complete reform immediately, but if there's a 12-step program for neglectful friends, I'm in. Starting with emailing or phoning everyone at least once a month.
3. I've got to get out of the house/office. I need to see something besides the inside of my cube at work, the car I commute in and my house. Outdoors would be good. I used to garden like a fiend. My home in Atlanta had the best yard in the entire neighborhood and half the subdivision asked me to resdesign their yards when they moved in. (it was a new subdivision with typical new housing yards -- boring!) I stopped because my asthma was so bad that I couldn't garden any more without having an attack. But I haven't had an asthma attack in 2 years so I need to get back at it. A vacation is in order sometime soon as well.
4. I've got to get healthy. I'm tired of the FM kicking my butt. Time to get back to some serious research and find a new doc who will not just say "we can't fix this, just manage the pain." Holistic, alternative, herbal medicine need to be investigated. And somehow, despite the pain and exhaustion I MUST EXERCISE. It's the one thing that all the forms of medicine agree help with FM.
So folks, if I don't live up to my promise to keep in touch at least once a month you have full permission to harass, harague and otherwise give me a hard time about it.
1. When life is not going well for me, I drop out of site. Doesn't matter whether it's because I'm sick or depressed or unhappy or overworked. If I'm not in a positive place, I try to keep to myself and not inflict whatever it is on other people. Now, most of my friends would say "that's what we're here for -- inflict away." But it's just me. I was raised in a family where negative feelings, thoughts and words were suppressed at the end of a belt. So I hide myself away and shove all that negativity into a locked box.
2. This is a really bad thing for me to do. First, because I neglect people who are *very* important to me. Second because I need those people the most at that time. Third because suppressing just leads to more negativity. And finally, that lock box eventually get so overstuffed it explodes. When that happens I either throw a temper fit to end all temper fits. Asjachyld heard/saw one of those at work a few months ago. Or I get severely depressed. Seanpatfannon can tell you what I'm like when that happens. Neither is pretty.
3. My friends decide that I don't (a)want to be friends any more, (b) am angry with them over something or (c)have lost their address, phone number, email, etc. Some of these folks have been my friends for more than a decade and I love each and every one of them with all my heart. It's really terrible to let them think I no longer care or have an interest in them.
So this leads me to conclude that there are things I need to do. I suppose you could say these are my resolutions for 2006 but I don't believe in NY's resolutions.
1. I've got to get a life. For the last four years, my life has been working, worrying about $$ and taking care of other people -- husband, autistic stepson, elderly parents of mine (2), elderly parents of husband (3). I've got no hobbies or outside interests left. I read maybe 2 books a year instead of 2 books a week. I don't write or sew or make music or do any of the other creative things that have always been part of my life. And I miss the creativity and the mental stimulation.
2. I've got to get back in touch with all these folks and apologize profusely for my neglect. I can't promise a complete reform immediately, but if there's a 12-step program for neglectful friends, I'm in. Starting with emailing or phoning everyone at least once a month.
3. I've got to get out of the house/office. I need to see something besides the inside of my cube at work, the car I commute in and my house. Outdoors would be good. I used to garden like a fiend. My home in Atlanta had the best yard in the entire neighborhood and half the subdivision asked me to resdesign their yards when they moved in. (it was a new subdivision with typical new housing yards -- boring!) I stopped because my asthma was so bad that I couldn't garden any more without having an attack. But I haven't had an asthma attack in 2 years so I need to get back at it. A vacation is in order sometime soon as well.
4. I've got to get healthy. I'm tired of the FM kicking my butt. Time to get back to some serious research and find a new doc who will not just say "we can't fix this, just manage the pain." Holistic, alternative, herbal medicine need to be investigated. And somehow, despite the pain and exhaustion I MUST EXERCISE. It's the one thing that all the forms of medicine agree help with FM.
So folks, if I don't live up to my promise to keep in touch at least once a month you have full permission to harass, harague and otherwise give me a hard time about it.