(no subject)
Some days I get this uncontrollable anger that just wells up inside of me and I lash out at whomever I can. I hate this so I normally self-medicate. I don’t know what to do tonight however as I have run out of medication. I want so badly to be happy and wanted. I hate the idea that I have to battle something so deep inside of me that I can’t separate myself from the enemy. I just don’t know what to do. So days like today happen: I eat all day and lay on the couch avoiding the feeling of impending doom reigning over me. I can’t bear to be alone or see anyone. I hate this.
I also hate being alone and bitter. I am so jaded. I just got an email from a girl I met on this online thing I registered for a while ago. She seems so un-jaded so naïve. But are those things really the same thing? I just had her refer to be as a possibility for the “girl of her dreams” not in a literal sense, but more like there always exists this possibility where I would imagine quite the opposite and expect rejection and denial. How odd this world is really.