blaaaahhh blah bleargh blehhhh;
So.... I did it. And that's that I guess.
But I still don't really feel as ~liberated~ as I expected to, y'know? Like... there's still something weird going on with my emotions. I can't really say I get it. I thought maybe everything in my mind (my heart? whateverrrr, stupid cheesy shit) would calm down and everything would feel normal, and.... I guess it does, but it's almost too normal, y'know? Like nothing has changed at all.
Except... it has.
And I guess I should feel sad, like I WANT to feel sad, because it's practically like I was rejected, right? But then.... I don't feel sad. It's something else. But it bites. it's like, because I didn't do it in person, because I did it in such a stupid shitty digital way, I don't actually have any sort of closure or anything. What sucks is that it wasn't even a normal e-mail or something, it was on that weird meme thing, so she didn't actually have to give a response. She just did it in those heart things. And.... I guess that's fitting, since that's how I did it too.
But it just makes me feel like there's still so many things I want to ask.
.....like, the lavender heart, what the hell?! Was that serious? Is she saying she only thinks about that kinda stuff with me? I mean, I know I'm hot shit and all, but after I specifically made sure to tell her I don't think of her as just a sex buddy..... I didn't think I'd get a response so much like what I said I wasn't. Maybe at that time, when I hugged her and said that, maybe she was laughing at me on the inside, or feeling extremely awkward, because.... that's how it's been for her all along?
Which is all stupid cuz at first I read that big survey of hers and I'm all like FUCK YEAHHH, DID YOU SEE THAT, LOOK WHAT COLOR EYES SHE LIKES BEST, AND HAIR COLOR AND SHIT, and then even the personality thing was like CHECK-CHECK-AND-CHECK..... so I guess I kinda got my hopes up. Which was stupid to begin with. Because I mean obviously, I KNEW it wouldn't go anywhere, and part of me probably even wanted it NOT to go anywhere..... but..... I got caught up. Caught up in it all. Derp, she's married, whaddya think you're doing, is what I should have been thinking... but... I guess her kind of whatever-happens-happens attitude got the best out of me, and I thought maybe I could be enjoyed in the same way that she enjoyed some of the other people in her life.
I mean, not like her husband, y'know? That's impossible, of course. I would never ask to be that. What I was more thinking was more like.... I dunno, like what she has with that Yankee guy. It's like there's something going on besides just sex, and it's something very subtle but very good.... and, well, I hoped maybe I could achieve something like that. I thought maybe, perhaps, we could have been something, not the kind of thing she is with her husbands, but... something unconventional, something different from the standard shit that you typically hear about. She IS that kind of person, y'know, the kind who has 2 husbands and some other boyfriends and is doing weird shit.
It's kind of lame of me, but I guess I wanted to be a part of the weird shit. But not just the weird sex shit, I mean like, the weird...romance shit.
Which is funny cuz I've never cared about any of this stuff at all in the past. But still. I just want to talk to her. I think I'm just afraid that now she'll stop spending time with me completely.
Meh, I'm young and stupid.
But I still don't really feel as ~liberated~ as I expected to, y'know? Like... there's still something weird going on with my emotions. I can't really say I get it. I thought maybe everything in my mind (my heart? whateverrrr, stupid cheesy shit) would calm down and everything would feel normal, and.... I guess it does, but it's almost too normal, y'know? Like nothing has changed at all.
Except... it has.
And I guess I should feel sad, like I WANT to feel sad, because it's practically like I was rejected, right? But then.... I don't feel sad. It's something else. But it bites. it's like, because I didn't do it in person, because I did it in such a stupid shitty digital way, I don't actually have any sort of closure or anything. What sucks is that it wasn't even a normal e-mail or something, it was on that weird meme thing, so she didn't actually have to give a response. She just did it in those heart things. And.... I guess that's fitting, since that's how I did it too.
But it just makes me feel like there's still so many things I want to ask.
.....like, the lavender heart, what the hell?! Was that serious? Is she saying she only thinks about that kinda stuff with me? I mean, I know I'm hot shit and all, but after I specifically made sure to tell her I don't think of her as just a sex buddy..... I didn't think I'd get a response so much like what I said I wasn't. Maybe at that time, when I hugged her and said that, maybe she was laughing at me on the inside, or feeling extremely awkward, because.... that's how it's been for her all along?
Which is all stupid cuz at first I read that big survey of hers and I'm all like FUCK YEAHHH, DID YOU SEE THAT, LOOK WHAT COLOR EYES SHE LIKES BEST, AND HAIR COLOR AND SHIT, and then even the personality thing was like CHECK-CHECK-AND-CHECK..... so I guess I kinda got my hopes up. Which was stupid to begin with. Because I mean obviously, I KNEW it wouldn't go anywhere, and part of me probably even wanted it NOT to go anywhere..... but..... I got caught up. Caught up in it all. Derp, she's married, whaddya think you're doing, is what I should have been thinking... but... I guess her kind of whatever-happens-happens attitude got the best out of me, and I thought maybe I could be enjoyed in the same way that she enjoyed some of the other people in her life.
I mean, not like her husband, y'know? That's impossible, of course. I would never ask to be that. What I was more thinking was more like.... I dunno, like what she has with that Yankee guy. It's like there's something going on besides just sex, and it's something very subtle but very good.... and, well, I hoped maybe I could achieve something like that. I thought maybe, perhaps, we could have been something, not the kind of thing she is with her husbands, but... something unconventional, something different from the standard shit that you typically hear about. She IS that kind of person, y'know, the kind who has 2 husbands and some other boyfriends and is doing weird shit.
It's kind of lame of me, but I guess I wanted to be a part of the weird shit. But not just the weird sex shit, I mean like, the weird...romance shit.
Which is funny cuz I've never cared about any of this stuff at all in the past. But still. I just want to talk to her. I think I'm just afraid that now she'll stop spending time with me completely.
Meh, I'm young and stupid.