Breaking down the wall...
Well I'm just sitting here at work right now with not a lot to do. Well I take that back I have a lot to do but just don't really feel like doing it right now. Here lately I have been thinking a lot about why I put up the walls around myself and don't let very many people in. The only thing I have come to realize is that I'm trying to shut out the pain I think I might feel. I've been hurt by some important people in my past. I think the one that cut me the deepest was my father and the way he treated and acted toward me. But I have also come to realize that I can not just sit and let it build up. I can't let what he did to me keep me from living me life and experiencing things in life. I've always been guarded because of this and because of just being hurt. But life is all about risks and chances. Ones that I really haven't made because I was too scared. I was scared of what others would think about me. I was scared of what I would think about myself if I let myself walk outside the boundaries that I set for myself. I've learned that there are people out there that want to get to know the real me and do not want to hurt me in doing so. I've learned that if I hide behind the walls I have put up around myself that I am not really living but wasting away and not really knowing what life has to offer me. Someone once told me that sometimes we put up walls not to keep people out but to see who cares enough to break them down. I believe this. I believe that if people really care about me and what to get to know me and be friends with me. They will break the wall down. Even if it is slowly. Something is better than nothing. I have some friends that have done just that. They are the best people I have known. They have never turned their backs on me and helped me through a really rough time but they both walked side by side with me and made sure that I knew how important I was and how things would get better even though I didn't think so at the time being. These are the people that care. These are the people I want in my life. I thank God everyday that I have them in my life. I just wanted to say thank you. I know that you know who you are. Thank you for being the best friends I have ever had. From this day forward I am going to do everything possible to help break the wall down that I have built up around me and live my life to the fullest. I do not want any regrets, what If's and maybes. I want to know that I lived my life the way I wanted not the way the restraints of these walls has let me live. I know it will take time and it won't happen over night. I know my friends will be there with me to help me. But I can't wait to see what life has in store for me from here on out.