[Fic] RPF Big Bang: Expressive Silence (Colin/Bradley) - Part 3/3
When he gets to Colin's house the door is slightly ajar and Maleficent is sitting on the small porch, licking her paws contentedly.
"Hey there girl, what are you doing out here? Thought Colin didn't let you out when it got cold." Bradley reaches down and picks the cat up, letting her curl up in his arms. She starts purring and butting her head against his chest, her front paws kneading at his arm. "Let's get you inside."
Just as he gets to the door he hears voices, raised, coming from inside. Something about one of them makes him pause and he realises with a start that the voice he's hearing is Colin's.
"You don't get it Richard. None of you do!" His voice is thick and rough from disuse, his accent as strong as if he were still in Ireland. "It's not that easy."
"Colin, you have to face reality one way or another. I've coddled you your whole life and look what it has done to you."
"That's not it!"
"You've already spoken to him, haven't you?"
"One word. I said one word. Nothing more."
A sigh and then the sound of someone moving.
"Colin," Richard lowers his voice, "it is still more than the nothing you have said to all your other partners. What is so hard about taking the next step?"
"I can't. I physically can't. So many times I have opened my mouth and I just can't."
"You're not letting yourself. Would there be a reason for it?"
Bradley holds his breath, just as eager for the answer as Richard.
No response comes and then a soft growl of frustration and the sound of a chair scraping across the hardwood floors.
"Colin."
"It's pathetic. This thing. And I just. I don't know."
"Pathetic?"
"Yes! Have you seen us? Have you seen him? I mean, he tries so hard and half the time we're silent because even with all he's learned it's still so hard."
Maleficent lets out a soft mewl of protest as Bradley clutches her tighter. Pathetic? Is that what Colin really thinks of him?
"Then why spend time with him?"
"I don't know! I've no bloody clue what I'm doing. Or why I'm seeing him. For fun? Amusement? Something else?"
The next few words are muffled, all the blood rushing through Bradley's head and leaving a roaring echo in his ears. There must be a misunderstanding. There has to be. He steps forward and pushes the door open, stepping inside just as Richard finishes speaking.
"...because if not, do you care for him?"
"Care for him? Yes, no. No. I don't know. I'm not sure. I'm telling you, I don't know. I don't even know if there's a point to any of it. I can't give all of myself because I don't know if it's worth it."
It's like in the movies and the absurdity of the whole thing almost makes him laugh. He's frozen a step away from the door, Maleficent no longer in his arms. Richard's eyes are wide with alarm, his mouth open on a soundless word.
Just as the air starts coming back into his lungs and his heart has returned from its descent to his feet, Colin turns around.
When their eyes meet Bradley has to swallow at the naked emotion in the Colin's. He knew Colin wasn't opening up the whole way, but to really see how much had been hidden...
"Is that - Do you..." He has to cough, has to clear his throat a few times before attempting to speak again. "That's how you feel then?"
Colin blinks at him and then his eyes widen, something flashing through them before they're closed off again. Shaking his head Colin starts signing, arms frantic and his movements the most graceless Bradley has ever seen them.
He can see what Colin is trying to tell him. Can understand the words. He's just not taking it in.
"Stop."
Colin actually stutters to a halt, his hands staying in mid-air and only halfway through the words not what you...
"You can say all that about me, yell it out for anyone to hear. But you can't actually talk to me?"
Colin opens his mouth and closes it, shaking his head again and dropping his hands.
Bradley has to blink back tears, swallowing past the emotion welling up in him. "I thought. I thought you were different. I thought that what we have -" He holds up a hand when Colin takes a step forward, something like desperation in his eyes. "I suppose I thought wrong."
"Bradley, you don't understand."
He turns to Richard and shakes his head at the older man. "No Richard, no excuse for what he said. I heard it." He turns back to Colin and gives him a weak smile. "Ironic that the first time I ever hear you speak it's to hear you say that. I'm sorry for wasting your time."
Colin does move forward only stopping because of the hand Bradley puts on his chest. They're eye to eye and Bradley's never been more grateful that they're basically the same height.
"It's over Colin. I've been someone's 'amusement' before - not again." He turns around as Colin starts signing again, not paying attention to whatever words he's saying. Bradley pauses at the door and looks to the side, not daring turn and look back. "Don't come looking for me. You won't be seeing me again."
With that he walks out and goes to his Jeep. Mind blank as he starts up the car and pulls out of the drive way. He'll let himself dwell on it once he gets home. After a few drinks. And after sleeping the night away.
He resolutely does not think about how the second pillow on his bed is going to smell like Colin.
"Bradley, are you in here?" Katie shuts the door and sets the keys down on the counter.
It's funny how loud those actions can actually be. Bradley looks down at his bottle and thinks that maybe he should be more attention to this when he's not drunk. Or drinking. Or is it drank?
"Bradley?"
"'m in 'ere!" He turns his head on the cushion that's holding his neck up and grins at Katie's startled expression. "Katie! Katie, Katie, Katie my lady."
"Are you drunk?"
"Drunk! Knew it. And no, 'm not. Just sittin' 'ere sipping some schtuff."
"Oh my God, Bradley. You're drunk." Katie sits down next to him and pushes his head upright from where it's lolled onto his shoulder.
"I am? Sure? Oohhh, I am!"
"What in the world happened? I mean, I know you fought with Colin and -"
"Not fight! Not fightin'. 'tis mean, fightin'. Jus' not talkin' to 'im no more."
Katie rolls her eyes and tries to take his bottle away. "Basically the same thing. Bradley, let go."
"No! You not takin' 'im away."
"Taking who away?"
"The Cap'n 'o course! Me 'n me buddy 'ere are havin' a grand old time. He's lovely. Very much. You can't take 'im away."
With a sigh Katie lets go of the bottle and sits crossed legged on the sofa, facing Bradley. "Will you tell me what's going on?"
"You're pretty. So, so pretty. Marry me. We can 'ave pretty eyed babies. Like the sea. But not mad. Mad babies can't have pretty eyes." He blinks at her and grins, trying to focus on the Katie in front of him and ignoring the other two or three that are in the background.
"Bradley, I'm not going to marry you."
"Why not? 'm good marriage material!"
"You're gay."
"And? So're you!"
"Exactly."
"Huh. Meh, we could make it work. It'd be good, yeah? Katie, my lady! Marry me!"
Katie shakes her head at him and lowers the arm he'd raised on his last proclamation. "No, Bradley, I won't. Now tell me why you aren't talking to Colin."
"He's mean Katie."
"What?"
Bradley leans forward, tears suddenly filling his eyes. He had been trying to forget why he had started drinking in the first place and now... "He hurt me. I never wan' to see 'im again."
"You can't, God, Bradley. Why not? Why not just talk to him?"
"Because I love him. Loved? Still love? Will love." He lowers his head to her shoulder and wraps an arm around her. "You're so soft. 'm so glad you love me. Marry me, please? He only wants me for fun. Amusement. Heard 'im say it. You love me. He doesn't."
"Oh, Bradley." Her hand cards through his hair and he murmurs in appreciation to her soft touch. "You need to talk to him. He's a wreck, hasn't spoken in days, not even in sign language."
"No. He'll hurt me. I love 'im too much." He buries his face into her neck and manages to speak through the tears clogging his throat. "Take the hurt away. 'm tired of hurtin'. Katie, it hurts."
"I know, baby. I know."
She lets him cry, holding him through it as he mumbles through his story. The last thing he registers as she pulls the bottle away and settles him down on the sofa, are her soft words and a kiss on his forehead.
When he wakes up his head feels like it's being squeezed into the bottle of Captain Morgan sitting on the coffee table in front of him and he has to blink a few times to actually make sure his eyes are still able to work properly. The last time he had got drunk had been at a friend's wedding. And even then it had been nowhere as last night apparently was. The bottle is mostly empty, only an inch or so of the rich amber liquid still sitting at the bottom.
What the hell had he been thinking?
He pushes himself up and ignores the sudden pounding in his skulls and the way the late morning sun pierces into his eyes.
A soft noise catches his attention and he turns his head slowly to see Katie leaning with her back against the bar, arms crossed and her eyes dark with concern.
"Time is it?"
Her lips purse slightly before she sighs. "Quarter past ten. I called in for you and said you came down with something."
"Okay."
"You need to -"
"No, I don't."
"Bradley, you really -"
"No, Katie. I don't." He stands up and staggers only slightly. "Nothing to do."
The next few days pass in a bit of a blur for Bradley. He's just barely aware of what he's saying to his students and half the time he doesn't remember the drive to and from the school. The soccer team keeps giving him concerned looks and he lets most of the practices be run by the assistant coach.
It isn't until he's sitting in his classroom early in the morning almost a week later that anyone says anything to him.
The door opens and Brian walks in, shutting the door behind him. He doesn't say anything until he's seated across from Bradley.
"You're either going to pull your head out of whatever hole you have it stuck in or you're might as well resign before you get fired. One of the two. I say go with the first choice. Less chance of ruining what you've built up for yourself here."
Bradley blinks at him. "What?"
"Bradley, I don't know what's going on with you, but you need to get your shit together."
"What?"
With a sigh Brian leans closer. "Whatever happened. Find a way to fix it. You have been completely out of it this past week and it's not looking good. Even the students are starting to talk about it. And you know how these kids get when they get a good bit of gossip. Fix it."
Bradley closes his eyes and nods. "You're right. I just - This weekend."
"Good. Now, lets make a quick run to Starbucks. We need some good strong coffee for the morning. Picture day and all that."
"Oh God, I'd forgotten."
"Knew you would. Come on."
In the end he doesn't get the rest of the week to get himself together like he'd been hoping. Thursday night he's sitting against the lighthouse, looking up at the clear night sky when he hears a car drive up and someone get out. He doesn't have to look to know that it's Colin and he curses himself for telling Katie where he was going.
"If you're here, you're going to talk to me and you're going to tell me what the fuck is going on."
Colin drops down in front of him and nods, swallowing like he's gearing up for only God knows what.
"Bradley, I'm sorry."
Those three words and Bradley's ready to throw everything aside and pull Colin close to him, but he can't. He needs to hear more. But that doesn't mean he's not willing to give a little. "I am too," at Colin's surprised look he shakes his head, "I should have listened to you instead of running out."
"Yeah, you should have." His voice is even rougher than the last time Bradley had heard it and he's surprised to notice that it's because Colin's obviously been crying. His eyes are red, bags under them making him look years older. "But that doesn't mean that I should have said what I said. Not only do I wish you'd never heard that, but I wish I hadn't said it."
"Why did you?"
Colin forgets himself for a moment and signs. Don't know.
"Colin."
He blinks before looking sheepishly at his hands. "Sorry, habit."
"Just, why?"
"I was afraid. I still am. But, Bradley, I'm more afraid of the possibility of losing you than anything else."
"Why couldn't you talk to me?"
"I don't - I've only ever talked to Richard and Santiago. Even then, barely a couple words here and there to Santiago. Richard's the only one that I actually speak with. Seeing as how he's basically raised me."
Bradley gives in and reaches out, taking one of Colin's hands in his. "Can you tell me?"
Colin's fingers move instead of him speaking.
W - H - A - T
"It's second nature to you, isn't it? Signing?"
"Yeah."
He catches Colin's eyes and doesn't look away. "Why?"
Colin gives him a wry smile and shakes his head. "It's not that exciting really."
"I still want to know." He can feel the hand he's holding twitching and knows that Colin wants to fall back into signing. "Just talk to me this once, that's all I ask. Please."
"Fifteen years ago. It started then." Colin looks away and squeezes Bradley's fingers. "We were traveling home from a family friend's house. It was July. And my da was driving and he didn't, he didn't see it. The train."
"Oh..."
"It was dark and the fucking train didn't have any lights on, how was my da supposed to know? It wasn't until we felt the rumbling of it in the car that we realised."
Colin falls quiet, his breathing irregular and Bradley hates himself but he has to do it. "What - What happened?"
"I'm not sure. I woke up and was face up in the grass, throat burning and I couldn't scream. No matter how much I wanted to because of the pain, I couldn't. I could hear my da yelling though, looking for my mam, sister, and me. I never answered, I couldn't. I passed out again and when I came to again I was in the hospital."
Bradley scoots closer, holding Colin's hand tight in his. "Your family?"
"Mam and my sister, they died. Instantly. My da - he was never the same. He's still in Ireland, at a hospital."
"And you?"
"And me. Well, here I am." Colin waved his free hand in the air. "Here I am."
"Cols, tell me."
"It took me two years to get my voice working again, by that time I just didn't want to speak. Everyone gave in and let me get away with signing. Except Richard. He wouldn't even look at me when I signed."
"Richard? In Ireland?"
"Yeah. He's like a grandfather to me. And Tony like a father, especially after my da."
"I see. How did you end up here?"
"Tony had wanted to move here to be close to his daughter. Richard wanted to take me away from the memories that wouldn't let me sleep. So they took the chance on the pub and that was that."
"Why couldn't you talk to me?"
Colin snorted. "Other than my being stupid?"
"Yeah."
"I was scared. The only other time I opened up in a relationship I was hurt. And I just - I wanted to preserve what we had."
"You could have at least told me."
At that Colin laughed humourlessly. "Like you've told me why you're here?"
Bradley sighed and looked away. "Okay, that's only fair."
"You are going to tell me, right?"
"I was stupid and I let my best friend push me away."
"I'm sorry?"
Bradley looked back at him and shrugged. "I was involved with a man for a few years. I was stupidly in love with him. So much so that I ignored the wedding band that he always slipped off his ring finger when he joined me in bed."
"Oh, Bradley."
Hearing his name in Colin's voice made him smile, despite their conversation topic. "Katie tried to make me see reason but I didn't, refused to. She made me choose between her and him and, I chose him. It wasn't until the abuse started that I realised that she had been right all along."
"Abuse?"
"Nothing physical. Prick knew he couldn't really take me. But he used my insecurities and fears against me. Took me five years to realise that psychological abuse is just as powerful as physical."
"What," Colin's voice was soft, not quite as rough, but dryer sounding, "made you realise?"
"I got fired from my job and thrown out of my flat."
"I see."
"My parents weren't talking to me and so I turned to the one person that I'd always been able to count on."
"I'm glad you did."
"So am I, Colin."
They fall into a contemplative silence and Bradley turns their words over in his head. After a few minutes he leans forward and looks into Colin's eyes. Seeing that they're no longer closed off, but open to him, he smiles.
Colin shifts uneasily and fidgets, his fingers once again twitching in Bradley's hand. "What?"
Bradley smiles and darts in and gives Colin a quick kiss. "I love you."
It takes him a few moments but then Colin blinks and his smile breaks out, wide and happy. Scrunching his nose up he holds his free hand up and forms a new sign that Bradley has seen before - pinky, forefinger and thumb extended, the rest of his fingers curled in - and then his hand moves again and he holds up two fingers. I love you, too.
|The End|
"Hey there girl, what are you doing out here? Thought Colin didn't let you out when it got cold." Bradley reaches down and picks the cat up, letting her curl up in his arms. She starts purring and butting her head against his chest, her front paws kneading at his arm. "Let's get you inside."
Just as he gets to the door he hears voices, raised, coming from inside. Something about one of them makes him pause and he realises with a start that the voice he's hearing is Colin's.
"You don't get it Richard. None of you do!" His voice is thick and rough from disuse, his accent as strong as if he were still in Ireland. "It's not that easy."
"Colin, you have to face reality one way or another. I've coddled you your whole life and look what it has done to you."
"That's not it!"
"You've already spoken to him, haven't you?"
"One word. I said one word. Nothing more."
A sigh and then the sound of someone moving.
"Colin," Richard lowers his voice, "it is still more than the nothing you have said to all your other partners. What is so hard about taking the next step?"
"I can't. I physically can't. So many times I have opened my mouth and I just can't."
"You're not letting yourself. Would there be a reason for it?"
Bradley holds his breath, just as eager for the answer as Richard.
No response comes and then a soft growl of frustration and the sound of a chair scraping across the hardwood floors.
"Colin."
"It's pathetic. This thing. And I just. I don't know."
"Pathetic?"
"Yes! Have you seen us? Have you seen him? I mean, he tries so hard and half the time we're silent because even with all he's learned it's still so hard."
Maleficent lets out a soft mewl of protest as Bradley clutches her tighter. Pathetic? Is that what Colin really thinks of him?
"Then why spend time with him?"
"I don't know! I've no bloody clue what I'm doing. Or why I'm seeing him. For fun? Amusement? Something else?"
The next few words are muffled, all the blood rushing through Bradley's head and leaving a roaring echo in his ears. There must be a misunderstanding. There has to be. He steps forward and pushes the door open, stepping inside just as Richard finishes speaking.
"...because if not, do you care for him?"
"Care for him? Yes, no. No. I don't know. I'm not sure. I'm telling you, I don't know. I don't even know if there's a point to any of it. I can't give all of myself because I don't know if it's worth it."
It's like in the movies and the absurdity of the whole thing almost makes him laugh. He's frozen a step away from the door, Maleficent no longer in his arms. Richard's eyes are wide with alarm, his mouth open on a soundless word.
Just as the air starts coming back into his lungs and his heart has returned from its descent to his feet, Colin turns around.
When their eyes meet Bradley has to swallow at the naked emotion in the Colin's. He knew Colin wasn't opening up the whole way, but to really see how much had been hidden...
"Is that - Do you..." He has to cough, has to clear his throat a few times before attempting to speak again. "That's how you feel then?"
Colin blinks at him and then his eyes widen, something flashing through them before they're closed off again. Shaking his head Colin starts signing, arms frantic and his movements the most graceless Bradley has ever seen them.
He can see what Colin is trying to tell him. Can understand the words. He's just not taking it in.
"Stop."
Colin actually stutters to a halt, his hands staying in mid-air and only halfway through the words not what you...
"You can say all that about me, yell it out for anyone to hear. But you can't actually talk to me?"
Colin opens his mouth and closes it, shaking his head again and dropping his hands.
Bradley has to blink back tears, swallowing past the emotion welling up in him. "I thought. I thought you were different. I thought that what we have -" He holds up a hand when Colin takes a step forward, something like desperation in his eyes. "I suppose I thought wrong."
"Bradley, you don't understand."
He turns to Richard and shakes his head at the older man. "No Richard, no excuse for what he said. I heard it." He turns back to Colin and gives him a weak smile. "Ironic that the first time I ever hear you speak it's to hear you say that. I'm sorry for wasting your time."
Colin does move forward only stopping because of the hand Bradley puts on his chest. They're eye to eye and Bradley's never been more grateful that they're basically the same height.
"It's over Colin. I've been someone's 'amusement' before - not again." He turns around as Colin starts signing again, not paying attention to whatever words he's saying. Bradley pauses at the door and looks to the side, not daring turn and look back. "Don't come looking for me. You won't be seeing me again."
With that he walks out and goes to his Jeep. Mind blank as he starts up the car and pulls out of the drive way. He'll let himself dwell on it once he gets home. After a few drinks. And after sleeping the night away.
He resolutely does not think about how the second pillow on his bed is going to smell like Colin.
"Bradley, are you in here?" Katie shuts the door and sets the keys down on the counter.
It's funny how loud those actions can actually be. Bradley looks down at his bottle and thinks that maybe he should be more attention to this when he's not drunk. Or drinking. Or is it drank?
"Bradley?"
"'m in 'ere!" He turns his head on the cushion that's holding his neck up and grins at Katie's startled expression. "Katie! Katie, Katie, Katie my lady."
"Are you drunk?"
"Drunk! Knew it. And no, 'm not. Just sittin' 'ere sipping some schtuff."
"Oh my God, Bradley. You're drunk." Katie sits down next to him and pushes his head upright from where it's lolled onto his shoulder.
"I am? Sure? Oohhh, I am!"
"What in the world happened? I mean, I know you fought with Colin and -"
"Not fight! Not fightin'. 'tis mean, fightin'. Jus' not talkin' to 'im no more."
Katie rolls her eyes and tries to take his bottle away. "Basically the same thing. Bradley, let go."
"No! You not takin' 'im away."
"Taking who away?"
"The Cap'n 'o course! Me 'n me buddy 'ere are havin' a grand old time. He's lovely. Very much. You can't take 'im away."
With a sigh Katie lets go of the bottle and sits crossed legged on the sofa, facing Bradley. "Will you tell me what's going on?"
"You're pretty. So, so pretty. Marry me. We can 'ave pretty eyed babies. Like the sea. But not mad. Mad babies can't have pretty eyes." He blinks at her and grins, trying to focus on the Katie in front of him and ignoring the other two or three that are in the background.
"Bradley, I'm not going to marry you."
"Why not? 'm good marriage material!"
"You're gay."
"And? So're you!"
"Exactly."
"Huh. Meh, we could make it work. It'd be good, yeah? Katie, my lady! Marry me!"
Katie shakes her head at him and lowers the arm he'd raised on his last proclamation. "No, Bradley, I won't. Now tell me why you aren't talking to Colin."
"He's mean Katie."
"What?"
Bradley leans forward, tears suddenly filling his eyes. He had been trying to forget why he had started drinking in the first place and now... "He hurt me. I never wan' to see 'im again."
"You can't, God, Bradley. Why not? Why not just talk to him?"
"Because I love him. Loved? Still love? Will love." He lowers his head to her shoulder and wraps an arm around her. "You're so soft. 'm so glad you love me. Marry me, please? He only wants me for fun. Amusement. Heard 'im say it. You love me. He doesn't."
"Oh, Bradley." Her hand cards through his hair and he murmurs in appreciation to her soft touch. "You need to talk to him. He's a wreck, hasn't spoken in days, not even in sign language."
"No. He'll hurt me. I love 'im too much." He buries his face into her neck and manages to speak through the tears clogging his throat. "Take the hurt away. 'm tired of hurtin'. Katie, it hurts."
"I know, baby. I know."
She lets him cry, holding him through it as he mumbles through his story. The last thing he registers as she pulls the bottle away and settles him down on the sofa, are her soft words and a kiss on his forehead.
When he wakes up his head feels like it's being squeezed into the bottle of Captain Morgan sitting on the coffee table in front of him and he has to blink a few times to actually make sure his eyes are still able to work properly. The last time he had got drunk had been at a friend's wedding. And even then it had been nowhere as last night apparently was. The bottle is mostly empty, only an inch or so of the rich amber liquid still sitting at the bottom.
What the hell had he been thinking?
He pushes himself up and ignores the sudden pounding in his skulls and the way the late morning sun pierces into his eyes.
A soft noise catches his attention and he turns his head slowly to see Katie leaning with her back against the bar, arms crossed and her eyes dark with concern.
"Time is it?"
Her lips purse slightly before she sighs. "Quarter past ten. I called in for you and said you came down with something."
"Okay."
"You need to -"
"No, I don't."
"Bradley, you really -"
"No, Katie. I don't." He stands up and staggers only slightly. "Nothing to do."
The next few days pass in a bit of a blur for Bradley. He's just barely aware of what he's saying to his students and half the time he doesn't remember the drive to and from the school. The soccer team keeps giving him concerned looks and he lets most of the practices be run by the assistant coach.
It isn't until he's sitting in his classroom early in the morning almost a week later that anyone says anything to him.
The door opens and Brian walks in, shutting the door behind him. He doesn't say anything until he's seated across from Bradley.
"You're either going to pull your head out of whatever hole you have it stuck in or you're might as well resign before you get fired. One of the two. I say go with the first choice. Less chance of ruining what you've built up for yourself here."
Bradley blinks at him. "What?"
"Bradley, I don't know what's going on with you, but you need to get your shit together."
"What?"
With a sigh Brian leans closer. "Whatever happened. Find a way to fix it. You have been completely out of it this past week and it's not looking good. Even the students are starting to talk about it. And you know how these kids get when they get a good bit of gossip. Fix it."
Bradley closes his eyes and nods. "You're right. I just - This weekend."
"Good. Now, lets make a quick run to Starbucks. We need some good strong coffee for the morning. Picture day and all that."
"Oh God, I'd forgotten."
"Knew you would. Come on."
In the end he doesn't get the rest of the week to get himself together like he'd been hoping. Thursday night he's sitting against the lighthouse, looking up at the clear night sky when he hears a car drive up and someone get out. He doesn't have to look to know that it's Colin and he curses himself for telling Katie where he was going.
"If you're here, you're going to talk to me and you're going to tell me what the fuck is going on."
Colin drops down in front of him and nods, swallowing like he's gearing up for only God knows what.
"Bradley, I'm sorry."
Those three words and Bradley's ready to throw everything aside and pull Colin close to him, but he can't. He needs to hear more. But that doesn't mean he's not willing to give a little. "I am too," at Colin's surprised look he shakes his head, "I should have listened to you instead of running out."
"Yeah, you should have." His voice is even rougher than the last time Bradley had heard it and he's surprised to notice that it's because Colin's obviously been crying. His eyes are red, bags under them making him look years older. "But that doesn't mean that I should have said what I said. Not only do I wish you'd never heard that, but I wish I hadn't said it."
"Why did you?"
Colin forgets himself for a moment and signs. Don't know.
"Colin."
He blinks before looking sheepishly at his hands. "Sorry, habit."
"Just, why?"
"I was afraid. I still am. But, Bradley, I'm more afraid of the possibility of losing you than anything else."
"Why couldn't you talk to me?"
"I don't - I've only ever talked to Richard and Santiago. Even then, barely a couple words here and there to Santiago. Richard's the only one that I actually speak with. Seeing as how he's basically raised me."
Bradley gives in and reaches out, taking one of Colin's hands in his. "Can you tell me?"
Colin's fingers move instead of him speaking.
W - H - A - T
"It's second nature to you, isn't it? Signing?"
"Yeah."
He catches Colin's eyes and doesn't look away. "Why?"
Colin gives him a wry smile and shakes his head. "It's not that exciting really."
"I still want to know." He can feel the hand he's holding twitching and knows that Colin wants to fall back into signing. "Just talk to me this once, that's all I ask. Please."
"Fifteen years ago. It started then." Colin looks away and squeezes Bradley's fingers. "We were traveling home from a family friend's house. It was July. And my da was driving and he didn't, he didn't see it. The train."
"Oh..."
"It was dark and the fucking train didn't have any lights on, how was my da supposed to know? It wasn't until we felt the rumbling of it in the car that we realised."
Colin falls quiet, his breathing irregular and Bradley hates himself but he has to do it. "What - What happened?"
"I'm not sure. I woke up and was face up in the grass, throat burning and I couldn't scream. No matter how much I wanted to because of the pain, I couldn't. I could hear my da yelling though, looking for my mam, sister, and me. I never answered, I couldn't. I passed out again and when I came to again I was in the hospital."
Bradley scoots closer, holding Colin's hand tight in his. "Your family?"
"Mam and my sister, they died. Instantly. My da - he was never the same. He's still in Ireland, at a hospital."
"And you?"
"And me. Well, here I am." Colin waved his free hand in the air. "Here I am."
"Cols, tell me."
"It took me two years to get my voice working again, by that time I just didn't want to speak. Everyone gave in and let me get away with signing. Except Richard. He wouldn't even look at me when I signed."
"Richard? In Ireland?"
"Yeah. He's like a grandfather to me. And Tony like a father, especially after my da."
"I see. How did you end up here?"
"Tony had wanted to move here to be close to his daughter. Richard wanted to take me away from the memories that wouldn't let me sleep. So they took the chance on the pub and that was that."
"Why couldn't you talk to me?"
Colin snorted. "Other than my being stupid?"
"Yeah."
"I was scared. The only other time I opened up in a relationship I was hurt. And I just - I wanted to preserve what we had."
"You could have at least told me."
At that Colin laughed humourlessly. "Like you've told me why you're here?"
Bradley sighed and looked away. "Okay, that's only fair."
"You are going to tell me, right?"
"I was stupid and I let my best friend push me away."
"I'm sorry?"
Bradley looked back at him and shrugged. "I was involved with a man for a few years. I was stupidly in love with him. So much so that I ignored the wedding band that he always slipped off his ring finger when he joined me in bed."
"Oh, Bradley."
Hearing his name in Colin's voice made him smile, despite their conversation topic. "Katie tried to make me see reason but I didn't, refused to. She made me choose between her and him and, I chose him. It wasn't until the abuse started that I realised that she had been right all along."
"Abuse?"
"Nothing physical. Prick knew he couldn't really take me. But he used my insecurities and fears against me. Took me five years to realise that psychological abuse is just as powerful as physical."
"What," Colin's voice was soft, not quite as rough, but dryer sounding, "made you realise?"
"I got fired from my job and thrown out of my flat."
"I see."
"My parents weren't talking to me and so I turned to the one person that I'd always been able to count on."
"I'm glad you did."
"So am I, Colin."
They fall into a contemplative silence and Bradley turns their words over in his head. After a few minutes he leans forward and looks into Colin's eyes. Seeing that they're no longer closed off, but open to him, he smiles.
Colin shifts uneasily and fidgets, his fingers once again twitching in Bradley's hand. "What?"
Bradley smiles and darts in and gives Colin a quick kiss. "I love you."
It takes him a few moments but then Colin blinks and his smile breaks out, wide and happy. Scrunching his nose up he holds his free hand up and forms a new sign that Bradley has seen before - pinky, forefinger and thumb extended, the rest of his fingers curled in - and then his hand moves again and he holds up two fingers. I love you, too.
|The End|