me
So, lately, I've been down. Not down sad, but down, down. What's funny is that I feel like there are two mes. There is the Angel that is happy, perky, clever, and fun to be around. But there is also the Angel that is dark and hateful and mean. I've been Angel negative for a while now. I'm working on pushing my boyfriend away mainly because
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No one is perfect, even Sean Connery has appeared in some aweful movies (Entrapment pops to mind). Recognizing our wrongs though is a saving grace reserved for people with good hearts.
So long as you have known people, regardless of how frequently you have contact, your actions will impact them. Your decisions will influence their lives whether you know it or not. To remove yourself from these people who hold you in high regard would forfiet the goodwill they have for you, and would not change how you feel.
No one can make your decisions for you, but if you consider that you are not the only one who will be affected by them it gives some kind of guidance.
My point is that being aware of what you are doing, and conciously trying to NOT do something are two seperate things.
Though you know you are pushing Tim away, you have to conciously work at preventing yourself. This is tricky, because it involves moving at a slightly less fluid pace.
For example, in the past I have been [yelled at/talked to] about speaking down toward people, and making them feel like I'm suggesting in no small way that they are an idiot because my speech gets slower, and my voice gets louder- much like speaking to a small child.
The reality is that what I want to do is outright say something to the effect of "Shut the fuck up! I've been through far more devestating shit than this pathetic excuse for an arguement you want to have with me! I'm sick of this paltry crap being brought up WEEKS after its happened, and if its so much of a problem I'll fucking fix it for you, you fucking ingrate!" (Slams door in face, goes to car, drives off into sunset, will not call, will not take calls, never speaks to you again because I hold grudges)
The defense against this sort of, to put it mildly, nuclear attack, is to sort out what is going on slowly, and to bare in mind that my short fuse is no excuse to go around hurting people who want to share a concern with me. By going over stuff slowly I can prevent myself from being a giant unforgivable jerk, but the trade off is that people think I'm being condecending.
Its not easy but you have the support and caring of everyone around you, especially Tim. Whom, by the way, really is awesome and apart from his love of the satanic influence we call Apple, is in all ways one of the funniest people I've ever known.
Thats my peice.
Sincerely,
Q
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