(no subject)
I haven't written in this thing in forever and suddenly I feel the need to update three times today.
Go figure.
Life's been the topic on my mind lately.
I've been changing so much in the past few months it's hard to keep up with who I am for the time being.
I'm beginning to believe in the power of positive thinking.
Yes, Oprah made me do it :)
And I gotta tell ya, it seems to be working out for the better.
Things never seem to slow down. In fact life's spinning by faster then I want it to and I just wish I could ask it to slow down.
But I have learned something over the past year, and that's to always be grateful for everything. For every breath, for every let down, for ever success and every failure. Because no matter what happens, life's the only thing we've got. That's it. We don't get second chances, we don't get to push a rewind button. This is the whole big thing. And that's what makes it so amazing. I think I'm way too high right now to ever be saying anything publicly but thats alright :) Something to look back at and laugh I guess. I think I need to write all this down in this very moment because the way I feel right now is something I want to keep. I wanna be able to retrieve this positive energy that so rarely makes it into my airwaves. I'm always looking for a reason to feel bad about something. Yes. I'll admit that. I can finally admit that I have so many faults. There's so many things about my life that if I could change I would in a second.
I have, however, come to the recent realization that I will never hold a single regret. Because in the end every little thing that we do in our life lead's us to this very second in time. The fact that I'm sitting here in the dark on my laptop listening to john mayer and telling you that my life is finally about to take off is because everyday I learn something new. And the days leading to this one have finally woken me up to realize that I cannot take a single other day for granted. I want something so much bigger than this life that I'm leading. I've always said this. I don't ever intend to change the way that I feel.
I need to make my mark. I have to. I don't know why but I just feel so compelled to change the world and I feel like I'm never going to do it here. I'm just now beginning to realize that this world is so very small. It's so small in the bigger picture of things and it is possible to get up and go see it. There's a million things that I want to learn I want to see I want to touch and feel and experience and learn and love and hold and breath in and ugh. I just need something so new. Every time I think about actually getting to England next semester my stomach does a little jump. If I can finally get over there and grasp a little piece of history, that's a little check in my book I can finally mark down. I want to see every little bit of history that country has to offer because in all honesty, it absolutely fascinates me. Royalty and the renaissance and the history of art and buildings and structure and how things began and ugh. I'm rambling so much but I don't even care I just feel like I've been so wrapped up in love and my family and being hurt and being loved and all this bullshit that in the long run... wont even matter.
IT DOESN'T MATTER that's something i cannot stress enough.
That in the long run.
It does. not. matter.
"This too shall pass". My next tattoo. It's the words i live be these days. My life is one big clusterfuck. It has been since birth. But I wouldn't change my life for anything in the world. I love everyone that has entered it. Even those that have walked away and broken my heart. Because each and every person has taught me something. Every single one of you. That's amazing when you think about it. I would never be who I am today without you.
The only thing bothering me right now is holding onto this feeling. I have such a hard time remaining happy. I come across these brilliant blows of happiness and it's like I'm compelled to do something in the moment just to hold onto it. This is why I think I may be bipolar. And the fact that I'm alone. Not seeing anyone. And okay with it for the first time. This is good. But it's this fact that I know I need to try and stay happy. I don't want to have a guy be the reason I love my life. I want to love it for so much more than that. Because it is mine.
I need to pass out before my head explodes of all this thinking.
I'm nuts. Sorry for the rambling.
Go figure.
Life's been the topic on my mind lately.
I've been changing so much in the past few months it's hard to keep up with who I am for the time being.
I'm beginning to believe in the power of positive thinking.
Yes, Oprah made me do it :)
And I gotta tell ya, it seems to be working out for the better.
Things never seem to slow down. In fact life's spinning by faster then I want it to and I just wish I could ask it to slow down.
But I have learned something over the past year, and that's to always be grateful for everything. For every breath, for every let down, for ever success and every failure. Because no matter what happens, life's the only thing we've got. That's it. We don't get second chances, we don't get to push a rewind button. This is the whole big thing. And that's what makes it so amazing. I think I'm way too high right now to ever be saying anything publicly but thats alright :) Something to look back at and laugh I guess. I think I need to write all this down in this very moment because the way I feel right now is something I want to keep. I wanna be able to retrieve this positive energy that so rarely makes it into my airwaves. I'm always looking for a reason to feel bad about something. Yes. I'll admit that. I can finally admit that I have so many faults. There's so many things about my life that if I could change I would in a second.
I have, however, come to the recent realization that I will never hold a single regret. Because in the end every little thing that we do in our life lead's us to this very second in time. The fact that I'm sitting here in the dark on my laptop listening to john mayer and telling you that my life is finally about to take off is because everyday I learn something new. And the days leading to this one have finally woken me up to realize that I cannot take a single other day for granted. I want something so much bigger than this life that I'm leading. I've always said this. I don't ever intend to change the way that I feel.
I need to make my mark. I have to. I don't know why but I just feel so compelled to change the world and I feel like I'm never going to do it here. I'm just now beginning to realize that this world is so very small. It's so small in the bigger picture of things and it is possible to get up and go see it. There's a million things that I want to learn I want to see I want to touch and feel and experience and learn and love and hold and breath in and ugh. I just need something so new. Every time I think about actually getting to England next semester my stomach does a little jump. If I can finally get over there and grasp a little piece of history, that's a little check in my book I can finally mark down. I want to see every little bit of history that country has to offer because in all honesty, it absolutely fascinates me. Royalty and the renaissance and the history of art and buildings and structure and how things began and ugh. I'm rambling so much but I don't even care I just feel like I've been so wrapped up in love and my family and being hurt and being loved and all this bullshit that in the long run... wont even matter.
IT DOESN'T MATTER that's something i cannot stress enough.
That in the long run.
It does. not. matter.
"This too shall pass". My next tattoo. It's the words i live be these days. My life is one big clusterfuck. It has been since birth. But I wouldn't change my life for anything in the world. I love everyone that has entered it. Even those that have walked away and broken my heart. Because each and every person has taught me something. Every single one of you. That's amazing when you think about it. I would never be who I am today without you.
The only thing bothering me right now is holding onto this feeling. I have such a hard time remaining happy. I come across these brilliant blows of happiness and it's like I'm compelled to do something in the moment just to hold onto it. This is why I think I may be bipolar. And the fact that I'm alone. Not seeing anyone. And okay with it for the first time. This is good. But it's this fact that I know I need to try and stay happy. I don't want to have a guy be the reason I love my life. I want to love it for so much more than that. Because it is mine.
I need to pass out before my head explodes of all this thinking.
I'm nuts. Sorry for the rambling.