(no subject)
i had to share this because it made me so happy:
posted in Chris' xanga:
"It's over between Caitlin and I. I honestly think it had been a long time coming. I just never really had the courage to do it. You know me, so non-confrontational. I have moved back in with my mother. I still have a few things back at the apartment, but I have all my clothes and most of my belongings here now, so I can at least stay here all the time. I still have to go back and get the last few things. I could go on for days about why that relationship wasn't working and why I was finally able to end it. And I just may, but I am always afraid that I will have to suddenly leave, so I want to get to happier things first, then if I have the time, I will go back and elaborate on the break-up.
So, the other major change in my life is Maria. She and I are dating now. I know it's pretty soon after the end of a four year relationship for me, but I really don't see it as a problem. Like I said, the end of that relationship was a long time coming, so it's not as if I need a lot of grieving time over it. I think I already started to get over it before it even started to end. In fact, I think I may have been completely over it before the break-up process started. I guess it was a process, since a four year relationship does not end easily, especially when one is living with the significant other. So, I really don't see a problem in the small amount of time between the relationships.
But I digress. I live a bit of a different life at the moment. I work, sleep, and hang out with Maria. I love spending time with her. I was so unhappy for the end of the relationship with Caitlin, that I am so grateful to be happy that I want to be around her all the time. Pardon me if any of this becomes sappy, but I can't help feeling so good right now, which is a turn for the better for me. It's just that I get so happy when I see Maria, or talk to her on the phone, or text message her, or even think about her. She met me at such a down and dark time in my life that it seems that she came along and brightened up my life. Now, she won't agree with me on any of the coming statements because she has what I believe to be a warped self-perception. Maria is absolutely wonderful. I feel that she sees me for who I am. With many people, I put up a false front. At work, I am Professional, Ethical Chris. At parties, I am Fun Chris. I put on a different mask everywhere I go. I am very adaptable. I can be effective in any situation and I can get along with any person or group. But it's not always the real me. I mean, I don't try to be fake. It is me. It's just a different shade of me. No offense to any of you. Part of the real Chris always pokes through. But I feel Maria sees through all that, and sees me for who I am. She always has ever since we first met. There's just something about her eyes the way she looks at me.
Besides being non-confrontational, some of you may know that I am also passive and indecisive, and I don't communicate very well. I don't offer information much without a prompt. I guess that is why it is good for me post here, because I have to come up with topics about myself to discuss. When I am around Maria, she not only pushes me to improve, but I feel a desire to strive to be a better person. She pushes me by insisting that I make all the decisions at the moment, not to give in if there's something that I want to do, even if it doesn't agree with what she wants, and to say whatever is on my mind. Despite her helpfulness, I want to be a better person anyway when I am with her. She just makes me happy and I feel good about myself because of her.
That is a big change for me. Most of you are used to Mr. Fine-And-Dandy. Sure, I was always "fine and dandy" because I chose to be. I am not unhappy unless I have a reason to be. If I have neither a reson to be happy nor a reason to be unhappy, I choose happiness. I don't need a reason to be happy, I just need a reason to be unhappy.
Caitlin didn't make me feel good about myself. I can't count the number of times she called me dumb or useless. "Useless" was used quite often, eespecially when I couldn't make a decision, or couldn't remember to tell her something or do something. I soon realized that I felt better anywhere else but with her. She made me feel bad about myself. That's why I think it's absolutely wonderful how good Maria makes me feel about myself.
There are a lot of reasons why the relationship with Caitlin went sour. Mainly, it all stems from me giving in to everything. I can't remember every argument we had, every gripe I had, everything about her that annoyed me. However, all that led to the downfall. Every argument we, I took the blame. She has the "I'm always right" attitude, so I was always at fault. I shut my mouth and took the blame. I swallowed every grievance about the relationship I had. I lied when she asked if there was anything about her annoyed me. Why? I thought it was all a sacrifice. I thought that the relationship was more important. I thought it was all meaningless compared to the importance of just keeping the relationship going. I know that if I had opened my mouth, the relationship either would have ended long ago, or would have been a relationship of constant arguments. I thought it was better to let it all go, completely unaware of the harm I was doing.
I don't think I am the greatest guy in the world, but I do make an attempt to be nicer than most guys. I see the evil and cruelty out in the world, and the simple fact that I acknowledge the fact that they exist and are wrong, leads me to an obligation and a desire to be nice. I think she took me for granted. When I met her, I tried to be as nice as I could. Soon, she expected this of me. She set an expectation bar of how nice I should be. Now, little old me always wanted to do one better and surprise her with something that exceeded her expectations. Well, her expectations soon became unrealistic to the point where I couldn't meet them anymore. I would rather surprise someone by surpassing their low expectations than meet someone else's high expectations. When someone's expectations are so high that all one can do is meet them, then when they are met, the person simply thinks, "Finally," disregarding the effort that had to be made to get there.
Caitlin set the bar too high. Everything became expected of me which counter-acted the reason for me wanting to do nice things for her. By expecting me to do nice things, I no longer had the desire to do them. So I stopped. I can't remember the last time I did even the simplest thing such as buy her flowers. Her way of fixing things was raising the bar even higher than the already unrealistic mark to get me motivated. "I need to be romanced. Romance me."
She was always talking about marriage. I soon came to realize that she wasn't looking for a life partner. She was looking for someone to take care of her. She was in love with the idea of being in love. I don't think she loved me for who I was because I don't think she ever really knew who I was. She didn't allow me to come all the way out of my shell, because I saw from the beginning that it wasn't safe to do so. She was more interested in getting married to someone, and I happened to qualify and come along at the right time, than she was interested in me.
There was a lot of stored hurt in the relationship. "I hate you." "I can't stand you right now." She would dump me, say, "I never want to see you again--have a nice life." She broke up with me several times. Always came back, I always took her back. She would break up with me, then call an hour later and ask how I felt, as in if I felt better or worse. That was how she gauged things, determined things. Lots of games. I hate games. She said mean things, then said that she didn't mean them. I always wondered why she said them in the first place. I don't understand. I don't say anything like that if I don't mean it. I don't lose control and blurt hurtful things I don't. Her telling me after that she didn't mean them doesn't change the fact that I was hurt when I thought she did mean it. She suggested seeing other people so many times. I was always the one saying, "No," and trying to work it out. The one time I answered "yes" to that question, she turns around and asks why I would want to hurt her like that. This break-up, she suggested seeing other people. All I did was agree. Then she said that all she wanted to do was see my reaction. I was supposed to say "no". It was another game to her. Now, the whole break-up is my fault. I am an asshole. Just ask her. But I stuck to my guns, and now it's over. All for the better.
I haven't yet let Caitlin in on everything. I haven't argued with her. It needs to be completely over. I have more stuff to get from there. If after I get my stuff, she blames me one more time, I am going to off on her, and enlighten her about everything. She keeps telling me that I won't find anyone that is as good of a girlfriend as her. I haven't the heart to tell her that I already have. Maria has made me happier in two weeks of dating than Caitlin did in four years. She wishes me good luck in introducing someone new to my family. I haven't the heart to tell that I already have introduced Maria to them. They all love Maria and have quickly forgotten about Caitlin. When I told them that Caitlin and I broke up, there was the typical "That's too bad," but it was always followed by concern for how I was doing, not that I was stupid for dumping Caitlin, which is what Caitlin would like to, and probably does, assume.
Maria does none of those things I mentioned about Caitlin. She is absolutely wonderful and I am happier than I have been in a very long time. She is beautiful person both inside and out.
I didn't mean for this post to be so fucking long. Sorry for making you all read this. I'll be in touch, call if you want to talk. Be happy for me!"
posted in Chris' xanga:
"It's over between Caitlin and I. I honestly think it had been a long time coming. I just never really had the courage to do it. You know me, so non-confrontational. I have moved back in with my mother. I still have a few things back at the apartment, but I have all my clothes and most of my belongings here now, so I can at least stay here all the time. I still have to go back and get the last few things. I could go on for days about why that relationship wasn't working and why I was finally able to end it. And I just may, but I am always afraid that I will have to suddenly leave, so I want to get to happier things first, then if I have the time, I will go back and elaborate on the break-up.
So, the other major change in my life is Maria. She and I are dating now. I know it's pretty soon after the end of a four year relationship for me, but I really don't see it as a problem. Like I said, the end of that relationship was a long time coming, so it's not as if I need a lot of grieving time over it. I think I already started to get over it before it even started to end. In fact, I think I may have been completely over it before the break-up process started. I guess it was a process, since a four year relationship does not end easily, especially when one is living with the significant other. So, I really don't see a problem in the small amount of time between the relationships.
But I digress. I live a bit of a different life at the moment. I work, sleep, and hang out with Maria. I love spending time with her. I was so unhappy for the end of the relationship with Caitlin, that I am so grateful to be happy that I want to be around her all the time. Pardon me if any of this becomes sappy, but I can't help feeling so good right now, which is a turn for the better for me. It's just that I get so happy when I see Maria, or talk to her on the phone, or text message her, or even think about her. She met me at such a down and dark time in my life that it seems that she came along and brightened up my life. Now, she won't agree with me on any of the coming statements because she has what I believe to be a warped self-perception. Maria is absolutely wonderful. I feel that she sees me for who I am. With many people, I put up a false front. At work, I am Professional, Ethical Chris. At parties, I am Fun Chris. I put on a different mask everywhere I go. I am very adaptable. I can be effective in any situation and I can get along with any person or group. But it's not always the real me. I mean, I don't try to be fake. It is me. It's just a different shade of me. No offense to any of you. Part of the real Chris always pokes through. But I feel Maria sees through all that, and sees me for who I am. She always has ever since we first met. There's just something about her eyes the way she looks at me.
Besides being non-confrontational, some of you may know that I am also passive and indecisive, and I don't communicate very well. I don't offer information much without a prompt. I guess that is why it is good for me post here, because I have to come up with topics about myself to discuss. When I am around Maria, she not only pushes me to improve, but I feel a desire to strive to be a better person. She pushes me by insisting that I make all the decisions at the moment, not to give in if there's something that I want to do, even if it doesn't agree with what she wants, and to say whatever is on my mind. Despite her helpfulness, I want to be a better person anyway when I am with her. She just makes me happy and I feel good about myself because of her.
That is a big change for me. Most of you are used to Mr. Fine-And-Dandy. Sure, I was always "fine and dandy" because I chose to be. I am not unhappy unless I have a reason to be. If I have neither a reson to be happy nor a reason to be unhappy, I choose happiness. I don't need a reason to be happy, I just need a reason to be unhappy.
Caitlin didn't make me feel good about myself. I can't count the number of times she called me dumb or useless. "Useless" was used quite often, eespecially when I couldn't make a decision, or couldn't remember to tell her something or do something. I soon realized that I felt better anywhere else but with her. She made me feel bad about myself. That's why I think it's absolutely wonderful how good Maria makes me feel about myself.
There are a lot of reasons why the relationship with Caitlin went sour. Mainly, it all stems from me giving in to everything. I can't remember every argument we had, every gripe I had, everything about her that annoyed me. However, all that led to the downfall. Every argument we, I took the blame. She has the "I'm always right" attitude, so I was always at fault. I shut my mouth and took the blame. I swallowed every grievance about the relationship I had. I lied when she asked if there was anything about her annoyed me. Why? I thought it was all a sacrifice. I thought that the relationship was more important. I thought it was all meaningless compared to the importance of just keeping the relationship going. I know that if I had opened my mouth, the relationship either would have ended long ago, or would have been a relationship of constant arguments. I thought it was better to let it all go, completely unaware of the harm I was doing.
I don't think I am the greatest guy in the world, but I do make an attempt to be nicer than most guys. I see the evil and cruelty out in the world, and the simple fact that I acknowledge the fact that they exist and are wrong, leads me to an obligation and a desire to be nice. I think she took me for granted. When I met her, I tried to be as nice as I could. Soon, she expected this of me. She set an expectation bar of how nice I should be. Now, little old me always wanted to do one better and surprise her with something that exceeded her expectations. Well, her expectations soon became unrealistic to the point where I couldn't meet them anymore. I would rather surprise someone by surpassing their low expectations than meet someone else's high expectations. When someone's expectations are so high that all one can do is meet them, then when they are met, the person simply thinks, "Finally," disregarding the effort that had to be made to get there.
Caitlin set the bar too high. Everything became expected of me which counter-acted the reason for me wanting to do nice things for her. By expecting me to do nice things, I no longer had the desire to do them. So I stopped. I can't remember the last time I did even the simplest thing such as buy her flowers. Her way of fixing things was raising the bar even higher than the already unrealistic mark to get me motivated. "I need to be romanced. Romance me."
She was always talking about marriage. I soon came to realize that she wasn't looking for a life partner. She was looking for someone to take care of her. She was in love with the idea of being in love. I don't think she loved me for who I was because I don't think she ever really knew who I was. She didn't allow me to come all the way out of my shell, because I saw from the beginning that it wasn't safe to do so. She was more interested in getting married to someone, and I happened to qualify and come along at the right time, than she was interested in me.
There was a lot of stored hurt in the relationship. "I hate you." "I can't stand you right now." She would dump me, say, "I never want to see you again--have a nice life." She broke up with me several times. Always came back, I always took her back. She would break up with me, then call an hour later and ask how I felt, as in if I felt better or worse. That was how she gauged things, determined things. Lots of games. I hate games. She said mean things, then said that she didn't mean them. I always wondered why she said them in the first place. I don't understand. I don't say anything like that if I don't mean it. I don't lose control and blurt hurtful things I don't. Her telling me after that she didn't mean them doesn't change the fact that I was hurt when I thought she did mean it. She suggested seeing other people so many times. I was always the one saying, "No," and trying to work it out. The one time I answered "yes" to that question, she turns around and asks why I would want to hurt her like that. This break-up, she suggested seeing other people. All I did was agree. Then she said that all she wanted to do was see my reaction. I was supposed to say "no". It was another game to her. Now, the whole break-up is my fault. I am an asshole. Just ask her. But I stuck to my guns, and now it's over. All for the better.
I haven't yet let Caitlin in on everything. I haven't argued with her. It needs to be completely over. I have more stuff to get from there. If after I get my stuff, she blames me one more time, I am going to off on her, and enlighten her about everything. She keeps telling me that I won't find anyone that is as good of a girlfriend as her. I haven't the heart to tell her that I already have. Maria has made me happier in two weeks of dating than Caitlin did in four years. She wishes me good luck in introducing someone new to my family. I haven't the heart to tell that I already have introduced Maria to them. They all love Maria and have quickly forgotten about Caitlin. When I told them that Caitlin and I broke up, there was the typical "That's too bad," but it was always followed by concern for how I was doing, not that I was stupid for dumping Caitlin, which is what Caitlin would like to, and probably does, assume.
Maria does none of those things I mentioned about Caitlin. She is absolutely wonderful and I am happier than I have been in a very long time. She is beautiful person both inside and out.
I didn't mean for this post to be so fucking long. Sorry for making you all read this. I'll be in touch, call if you want to talk. Be happy for me!"