(no subject)
i am feeling kinda weird right now. because of the dreams I had last night. anyone every have that happen?
The dreams got me to do a lot of thinking. I'm not sure how much of it I want to type up here.
The 2 dreams involved Daniel (my first bf, my first ex, someone who I havent spoken to in 1.5 years I think). And loads of other people I know briefly (Jenn, Rachelle, Christy Chiba, her older sister, Eric (not manhole), other weird people...and Ali)
In the dreams I talked to Daniel. It was pretty realistic because it was like *bam* suddenly we run into each other. Awkwardness ensues, but we talk. And what we said and how was pretty realistic. Although he was nicer in the second dream. But I think what was a big deal to me is I was able to talk to him. Honestly. And I had come to a lot of realizations, and I came to a lot after the dreams. And there's just so many I don't think I could write them all in here.
Mostly, I think it was realizing that he's not a bad guy. That a lot of what went wrong was because of me and my inability to communicate to him how I felt. I'm not really feeling bad about this, but I'm glad I'm thinking about it all.
Things started off wrong. But first relationship, what do you expect. I started going out with him because I was attracted to him from day one, because he looked so much like this guy Alan who I'd liked the summer before meeting Daniel. I believe Daniel also liked me because of looks more than personality. But I can't say for certain. So the relationship was based in something rather shallow-attraction to looks.
Where it became a lot worse though was because I didn't know how to communicate things to him. I couldnt trust him enough to tell him everything I needed to. I was afraid to say when things bothered me, how much they bothered me, how I felt about them. I wasn't even comfortable talking to him about my past, about events that created these problems.
I never was able to tell him about Brian Hurst, a boy who in 3rd grade sexually harassed and bullied me the entire year. I tried to tell him once, and all I could get myself to say was he was someone who harassed and bullied me. Couldnt get out the key word "sexually". So his reaction was something like "so what?" understandably. If he had known the sexual part, if I had been able to tell him about how Brian would tell me about these "dreams" he had, where he would describe in detail a fantasy of him having sex with me, somewhere...during all of third grade, when I was 9 years old, when boys still had cooties, and sex, if EVER mentioned, was called "doing it", if I had told Daniel, it would have made it easier to tell him about what it caused.
What did it cause? It caused me to fear and distrust guys. To be terrified of sex. To be terrified of doing anything physical with a guy. To feel like a slut any time I did anything I didn't feel entirely ready for. To hate myself, to be convinced I was a slut, a bad person. To hurt myself when I did things with Daniel simply because he wanted to so badly, and not because I wanted to. And we didn't even do a lot. But every time he introduced something "new" such as french kissing, as he did at winter ball...I would do it, but I didn't enjoy it, and I didnt feel ready, but I NEVER VOICED THAT. I never told him everything he needed to know, everything I was able to tell Jeff. Instead, I stayed silent, I kissed him, and then I went home and put heated metal against my skin. And hated myself. And felt like a horrible slut.
He never knew about all that. And so, he probably assumed everything was fine, that everything we did was ok with me, that I liked it, that I wanted to. And so then we'd move on a bit further, because he wanted to. And meanwhile, I grew resentful of him. I grew to believe that he was with me only to make out with. That I was just a toy to him. That he didn't care about me.
But really...that's exaggerated from what was really going on. I do think the physical stuff was very important to him, and that he didn't care about me as much as, say, Jeff did, but a lot of that is because Daniel didn't really know me. He didn;t know what was going on. He didn;t understand. And if he couldnt, how could he possibly have been expected to act differently?
There were times I distinctly remember seeing that he cared. One was when I got heat exhaustion, and he took me to his house, and looked so concerned about me...and then I passed out. He called my sister, told her what happened, was really worried about me. Andother time was when I was feeling really depressed, upset, and down about stuff...and even though I didn't talk about it, he noticed and made a note about how he saw I was down, was worried about me, and was there for me if I needed it...it meant a lot. Then there was the first time I cut myself. I cut my arm using a mechanical pencil. He saw it. I know it upset him a lot. I was really upset about it. He probably thought that was the first time I'd hurt myself, but it was just the first time I'd cut myself. And it was easy to see too, which was dangerous. I had to try and hide it for months.
Gradually, I became so hateful of myself, what we were going, and him, that I refused to touch him. I didn't want to even hug him, much less kiss him or be kissed. I took his reaction (which was bad- he wasnt good about not kissing me and also said he didnt know how long he could put up with this "stage" ) as proof that he didnt care about me as anything more than a doll to make out with. But really, his reaction makes sense. He never saw anything wrong with what we were doing. He never knew I had a problem. For me to all of a sudden refuse to touch him must have really hurt and surprised him.
Soon after I broke up with him for the last time. And I was glad. And I was happy to be rid of the relationship. And I looked happier from it. That also must have hurt him a lot. If Jeff lookeed really happy after breaking up with me, it would hurt even more than it did, because it would be like "was i so horrible? was i so easy to cast aside?" type thing. And then I gew to hate Daniel, and then just dislike him extremely. And he must have wondered where this hatred came from. What he had done. Why I suddenly and for no explanation hated him, felt hurt by him, when I had done the dumping.
I would not be surprised if he hates me by now. Because I must have hurt him a lot. And I never thought about it before now, because I blamed him for everything. I convinced myself that it was mostly his fault, not mine, that he was a jerk, that he was using me. Maybe he was...but maybe he wasn't. Either way a lot of the problems came about because of me. Because communication is so crucially important. And I failed at it that round.
The dreams got me to do a lot of thinking. I'm not sure how much of it I want to type up here.
The 2 dreams involved Daniel (my first bf, my first ex, someone who I havent spoken to in 1.5 years I think). And loads of other people I know briefly (Jenn, Rachelle, Christy Chiba, her older sister, Eric (not manhole), other weird people...and Ali)
In the dreams I talked to Daniel. It was pretty realistic because it was like *bam* suddenly we run into each other. Awkwardness ensues, but we talk. And what we said and how was pretty realistic. Although he was nicer in the second dream. But I think what was a big deal to me is I was able to talk to him. Honestly. And I had come to a lot of realizations, and I came to a lot after the dreams. And there's just so many I don't think I could write them all in here.
Mostly, I think it was realizing that he's not a bad guy. That a lot of what went wrong was because of me and my inability to communicate to him how I felt. I'm not really feeling bad about this, but I'm glad I'm thinking about it all.
Things started off wrong. But first relationship, what do you expect. I started going out with him because I was attracted to him from day one, because he looked so much like this guy Alan who I'd liked the summer before meeting Daniel. I believe Daniel also liked me because of looks more than personality. But I can't say for certain. So the relationship was based in something rather shallow-attraction to looks.
Where it became a lot worse though was because I didn't know how to communicate things to him. I couldnt trust him enough to tell him everything I needed to. I was afraid to say when things bothered me, how much they bothered me, how I felt about them. I wasn't even comfortable talking to him about my past, about events that created these problems.
I never was able to tell him about Brian Hurst, a boy who in 3rd grade sexually harassed and bullied me the entire year. I tried to tell him once, and all I could get myself to say was he was someone who harassed and bullied me. Couldnt get out the key word "sexually". So his reaction was something like "so what?" understandably. If he had known the sexual part, if I had been able to tell him about how Brian would tell me about these "dreams" he had, where he would describe in detail a fantasy of him having sex with me, somewhere...during all of third grade, when I was 9 years old, when boys still had cooties, and sex, if EVER mentioned, was called "doing it", if I had told Daniel, it would have made it easier to tell him about what it caused.
What did it cause? It caused me to fear and distrust guys. To be terrified of sex. To be terrified of doing anything physical with a guy. To feel like a slut any time I did anything I didn't feel entirely ready for. To hate myself, to be convinced I was a slut, a bad person. To hurt myself when I did things with Daniel simply because he wanted to so badly, and not because I wanted to. And we didn't even do a lot. But every time he introduced something "new" such as french kissing, as he did at winter ball...I would do it, but I didn't enjoy it, and I didnt feel ready, but I NEVER VOICED THAT. I never told him everything he needed to know, everything I was able to tell Jeff. Instead, I stayed silent, I kissed him, and then I went home and put heated metal against my skin. And hated myself. And felt like a horrible slut.
He never knew about all that. And so, he probably assumed everything was fine, that everything we did was ok with me, that I liked it, that I wanted to. And so then we'd move on a bit further, because he wanted to. And meanwhile, I grew resentful of him. I grew to believe that he was with me only to make out with. That I was just a toy to him. That he didn't care about me.
But really...that's exaggerated from what was really going on. I do think the physical stuff was very important to him, and that he didn't care about me as much as, say, Jeff did, but a lot of that is because Daniel didn't really know me. He didn;t know what was going on. He didn;t understand. And if he couldnt, how could he possibly have been expected to act differently?
There were times I distinctly remember seeing that he cared. One was when I got heat exhaustion, and he took me to his house, and looked so concerned about me...and then I passed out. He called my sister, told her what happened, was really worried about me. Andother time was when I was feeling really depressed, upset, and down about stuff...and even though I didn't talk about it, he noticed and made a note about how he saw I was down, was worried about me, and was there for me if I needed it...it meant a lot. Then there was the first time I cut myself. I cut my arm using a mechanical pencil. He saw it. I know it upset him a lot. I was really upset about it. He probably thought that was the first time I'd hurt myself, but it was just the first time I'd cut myself. And it was easy to see too, which was dangerous. I had to try and hide it for months.
Gradually, I became so hateful of myself, what we were going, and him, that I refused to touch him. I didn't want to even hug him, much less kiss him or be kissed. I took his reaction (which was bad- he wasnt good about not kissing me and also said he didnt know how long he could put up with this "stage" ) as proof that he didnt care about me as anything more than a doll to make out with. But really, his reaction makes sense. He never saw anything wrong with what we were doing. He never knew I had a problem. For me to all of a sudden refuse to touch him must have really hurt and surprised him.
Soon after I broke up with him for the last time. And I was glad. And I was happy to be rid of the relationship. And I looked happier from it. That also must have hurt him a lot. If Jeff lookeed really happy after breaking up with me, it would hurt even more than it did, because it would be like "was i so horrible? was i so easy to cast aside?" type thing. And then I gew to hate Daniel, and then just dislike him extremely. And he must have wondered where this hatred came from. What he had done. Why I suddenly and for no explanation hated him, felt hurt by him, when I had done the dumping.
I would not be surprised if he hates me by now. Because I must have hurt him a lot. And I never thought about it before now, because I blamed him for everything. I convinced myself that it was mostly his fault, not mine, that he was a jerk, that he was using me. Maybe he was...but maybe he wasn't. Either way a lot of the problems came about because of me. Because communication is so crucially important. And I failed at it that round.