...Life will be ready to twist up your world
I'm very on edge right now. I've been wandering around the house aimlessly, smoked a cigarette or two, pet the dog, cleaned my room, changed my sheets, and to no avail, I just don't feel right. I think a manic phase is coming on or something but I don't really know. My trich has coming back, so has the picking. I just can't figure it out. I just feel rather ... I don't know. I spoke to an old friend today. Actually, three of them. It was rather strange to make connections after such a long time. I guess I feel like my life is passing me by and I'm standing here watching it go around me. There's an acquaintance from college online who I read her livejournal and I'm sure she reads mine from time to time. We were in philosophy together and I'd really like to talk to her. It would make me feel much better, but I'm not going to say why right now. I have something very important that I need to talk to her about. So, if you are reading this, and you know who you are, please IM me, the name is in the profile of, because I don't have yours.
I'm writing in this journal because I have nothing else to do right now, at 11:20 on a Sunday night. I'm so fidgety, I can't relax, sleep, rest, or feel calm. I'm trying to avoid the anxiety pills. I'm staring the Clonazepam bottle down. I think it's winning. But I really don't want to take it. I sleep a dead sleep when I take those and am afraid that I'll miss my alarm in the morning. I don't want to feel groggy in the morning either. I just want to go to work and me ok. I don't want a panic attack to come on either. I suppose I'll have to take them to work with me tomorrow, you know for those "just incase" scenarios.
This weekend I realized there is nothing on TV anymore, even when you have satelite. I went to the Mets game last night. They kicked ass. That was the high-light of my weeked though.
Getting back to this fidgety feeling I have. I'm exhausted and I want to sleep, but I can't because I am not able to sit still. Even typing this journal entry is hard for me. But you know, it keeps my hands busy and I have to try to focus, and forcing myself to focus might help, even if it's only a little bit. I don't think many people read my journal anymore, because no one comments or asks me to write anything anymore, except Amanda, which was really nice. I know she reads my entries all the way through and that makes me feel great. I know she cares about me, because she reads about my life and is interested and always has something nice to say. That makes me feel wonderful.
I think that's why I'm trying to connect with people from my past lately. I realized I don't have a lot of people in my life anymore that care about me and that I care about. Once person in particular, Adam, I miss him so much, more than he will ever know, and I'm trying to get back in touch with him and he could care less. I realize I should dwell. So, moving on...
I love to read feministing.com now. The blog is wonderful. It keeps me smiling and active and fighting for my cause. Thanks to Susan for telling me to read it.
I realize now that I have nothing left to say. I'm just fresh out of words and that feels weird as hell. I suppose I will go try to rest now.
I'm writing in this journal because I have nothing else to do right now, at 11:20 on a Sunday night. I'm so fidgety, I can't relax, sleep, rest, or feel calm. I'm trying to avoid the anxiety pills. I'm staring the Clonazepam bottle down. I think it's winning. But I really don't want to take it. I sleep a dead sleep when I take those and am afraid that I'll miss my alarm in the morning. I don't want to feel groggy in the morning either. I just want to go to work and me ok. I don't want a panic attack to come on either. I suppose I'll have to take them to work with me tomorrow, you know for those "just incase" scenarios.
This weekend I realized there is nothing on TV anymore, even when you have satelite. I went to the Mets game last night. They kicked ass. That was the high-light of my weeked though.
Getting back to this fidgety feeling I have. I'm exhausted and I want to sleep, but I can't because I am not able to sit still. Even typing this journal entry is hard for me. But you know, it keeps my hands busy and I have to try to focus, and forcing myself to focus might help, even if it's only a little bit. I don't think many people read my journal anymore, because no one comments or asks me to write anything anymore, except Amanda, which was really nice. I know she reads my entries all the way through and that makes me feel great. I know she cares about me, because she reads about my life and is interested and always has something nice to say. That makes me feel wonderful.
I think that's why I'm trying to connect with people from my past lately. I realized I don't have a lot of people in my life anymore that care about me and that I care about. Once person in particular, Adam, I miss him so much, more than he will ever know, and I'm trying to get back in touch with him and he could care less. I realize I should dwell. So, moving on...
I love to read feministing.com now. The blog is wonderful. It keeps me smiling and active and fighting for my cause. Thanks to Susan for telling me to read it.
I realize now that I have nothing left to say. I'm just fresh out of words and that feels weird as hell. I suppose I will go try to rest now.