I Haven't Been Around...
Things in my life have pretty much sucked. For anyone who still reads this, here's my recap:
In January, I turned 17! Yay!
On January 9th, two days after our anniversary, Anthony broke up with me for another girl named Eileen. We got together January 7th, 2002 so it had been what, three years? Yeah. This is our fourth long-term break up and the second time he was with another girl afterwards. Our first one was, if I recall, late December 2003 which lasted three and a half months. A month and a half after our breakup, he started dating a girl Chrystal, but they broke up in favor of me. Our second long-term breakup occured in June of 2004 which lasted until late October, we both just stayed single and depressed. We broke up again in early December 2004 over stupid reasons and now here we went again. This time it lasted until March 14th this year when we got back together. Eileen is out of the picture. She's one of those annoying, slutty, blonde girls. She broke up with him four days before him and I reconciled in favor of her ex-boyfriend...the next week, she got expelled from school for smoking pot on campus and skipping classes. Thank God!
In February, early February, I became weak. I became fraile, weak, overwhelmed and deeply depressed. I made my fourth suicide attempt in my life on February 11th. I had been skipping school plenty of times in depression and I hadn't done well when I got there, I became stressed with the idea of making up classes. My friend, Brian, died in a car accident two weeks after my breakup and the funeral was ever so depressing. On February 2nd, my mother died. She was flaky and she had not raised me but still, she's my mother and I loved her. I was going to be staying with her that day and when I unlocked the door and walked in she was on the floor in the living room, eyes open, left hand on the portable phone which was on but the other person had hung up by then. It was horrid. I went into shock and stared for 15 minutes like an idiot before calling 911. She was pronouced dead moments later and they said she had to have been dead for at least three hours by that point. It was a heroin overdosage. It was too overwhelming, not only was she dead, she died a horrible, drug-related death. Some black boy who heard about it laughed at it and called her names like 'drug mama' and such. Damn nigger...
The stress got to me on February 11th. Since my mother died, I considered going with her and committing suicide but my religion is against that...but then I decided I do plenty of things against my religion, so why not? I tried to overdose on simple Aspirin like pills...I took several, I don't know how many and then subsequently slashed my wrists...obviously not deep enough. I fainted about 2-4 minutes later in my bedroom. My aunt heard the thud and came in, immediately I was taken to the hospital. I was passed out the whole time, I didn't wake up again until the next morning. I felt really ill and I hated myself for doing that to my grieving family, who already lost my mother. I explained myself, they understood but told me it wasn't the answer and that they loved me and I loved them. Several friends, even Anthony and Eileen visited me constantly. I was released from the hospital 8 days later, I don't know WHY I had to stay so long, and placed in a crisis center until March 7th, when they decided to release me. I returned to school and a couple of days later, Anthony and I reconciled. I love him, really I do. On March 30th, my assistant principal called me to the office and complained about my skipping. She looked up the absences. She was new to the school, she was fat, had a mustache and was an ugly Asian. I had 56 absences from homeroom, 11 excused and the rest not...and then she looked at my individual classes. 59 from AP Euro, 49 from Algebra II, 25 from Criminal Justice, 61 from Astrological Sciences, 28 from AP English III and then 42 from my newer semester2 English III Semester I remedial class. Obviously, the numbers show it all...plus, I had all F's except in English, which I had a low D. They expelled me from school. I was there March 31st to withdraw from my classes and back again April 1st to finish out my last day...for whatever reason. I miss the school scene but what the fuck ever, I never re-enrolled any place else. Miss Lang, my AP, said I can re-enroll in May...great, May...as exams come along. I probably will to avoid the risk of not being allowed to when school starts up next year when I repeat the eleventh grade!
Also, I had sex with a 17-year-old boy who is exactly one day older than me on the 30th, Darren. He is Anthony's cousin, him and I have had sex four times before. This was our second unprotected time and now I'm pregnant. I know it sounds wrong, but Anthony and I have sex with other people all the time...we're fucked up people I guess. He has three children and one on the way from other girls...the one who is in her fourth month now bore one of his children a year and half ago also. I gave birth when I was 14 after my cousins 16 year old friend and I had sex...I often deny it since the baby died a day and a half after his birth. I believe in natural births like my mother, aunt and grandmother did so I will have this baby without novacain or sedatives...
Anthony knows of the upcoming baby and so does Darren, who was four other kids and now two on the way, mine and someone elses.
The moral of the story is, I've been depressed and still am since I fucked my life up. I fucked it up again but this time worse than ever...I will survive though, I will raise this kid somehow and show it love, teach him/her how to survive and how not to be a fuck up like me, teach him/her about religion, sex, drugs, my racism and such things so he/she doesn't have to learn it from somewhere else like me.
*Shana
In January, I turned 17! Yay!
On January 9th, two days after our anniversary, Anthony broke up with me for another girl named Eileen. We got together January 7th, 2002 so it had been what, three years? Yeah. This is our fourth long-term break up and the second time he was with another girl afterwards. Our first one was, if I recall, late December 2003 which lasted three and a half months. A month and a half after our breakup, he started dating a girl Chrystal, but they broke up in favor of me. Our second long-term breakup occured in June of 2004 which lasted until late October, we both just stayed single and depressed. We broke up again in early December 2004 over stupid reasons and now here we went again. This time it lasted until March 14th this year when we got back together. Eileen is out of the picture. She's one of those annoying, slutty, blonde girls. She broke up with him four days before him and I reconciled in favor of her ex-boyfriend...the next week, she got expelled from school for smoking pot on campus and skipping classes. Thank God!
In February, early February, I became weak. I became fraile, weak, overwhelmed and deeply depressed. I made my fourth suicide attempt in my life on February 11th. I had been skipping school plenty of times in depression and I hadn't done well when I got there, I became stressed with the idea of making up classes. My friend, Brian, died in a car accident two weeks after my breakup and the funeral was ever so depressing. On February 2nd, my mother died. She was flaky and she had not raised me but still, she's my mother and I loved her. I was going to be staying with her that day and when I unlocked the door and walked in she was on the floor in the living room, eyes open, left hand on the portable phone which was on but the other person had hung up by then. It was horrid. I went into shock and stared for 15 minutes like an idiot before calling 911. She was pronouced dead moments later and they said she had to have been dead for at least three hours by that point. It was a heroin overdosage. It was too overwhelming, not only was she dead, she died a horrible, drug-related death. Some black boy who heard about it laughed at it and called her names like 'drug mama' and such. Damn nigger...
The stress got to me on February 11th. Since my mother died, I considered going with her and committing suicide but my religion is against that...but then I decided I do plenty of things against my religion, so why not? I tried to overdose on simple Aspirin like pills...I took several, I don't know how many and then subsequently slashed my wrists...obviously not deep enough. I fainted about 2-4 minutes later in my bedroom. My aunt heard the thud and came in, immediately I was taken to the hospital. I was passed out the whole time, I didn't wake up again until the next morning. I felt really ill and I hated myself for doing that to my grieving family, who already lost my mother. I explained myself, they understood but told me it wasn't the answer and that they loved me and I loved them. Several friends, even Anthony and Eileen visited me constantly. I was released from the hospital 8 days later, I don't know WHY I had to stay so long, and placed in a crisis center until March 7th, when they decided to release me. I returned to school and a couple of days later, Anthony and I reconciled. I love him, really I do. On March 30th, my assistant principal called me to the office and complained about my skipping. She looked up the absences. She was new to the school, she was fat, had a mustache and was an ugly Asian. I had 56 absences from homeroom, 11 excused and the rest not...and then she looked at my individual classes. 59 from AP Euro, 49 from Algebra II, 25 from Criminal Justice, 61 from Astrological Sciences, 28 from AP English III and then 42 from my newer semester2 English III Semester I remedial class. Obviously, the numbers show it all...plus, I had all F's except in English, which I had a low D. They expelled me from school. I was there March 31st to withdraw from my classes and back again April 1st to finish out my last day...for whatever reason. I miss the school scene but what the fuck ever, I never re-enrolled any place else. Miss Lang, my AP, said I can re-enroll in May...great, May...as exams come along. I probably will to avoid the risk of not being allowed to when school starts up next year when I repeat the eleventh grade!
Also, I had sex with a 17-year-old boy who is exactly one day older than me on the 30th, Darren. He is Anthony's cousin, him and I have had sex four times before. This was our second unprotected time and now I'm pregnant. I know it sounds wrong, but Anthony and I have sex with other people all the time...we're fucked up people I guess. He has three children and one on the way from other girls...the one who is in her fourth month now bore one of his children a year and half ago also. I gave birth when I was 14 after my cousins 16 year old friend and I had sex...I often deny it since the baby died a day and a half after his birth. I believe in natural births like my mother, aunt and grandmother did so I will have this baby without novacain or sedatives...
Anthony knows of the upcoming baby and so does Darren, who was four other kids and now two on the way, mine and someone elses.
The moral of the story is, I've been depressed and still am since I fucked my life up. I fucked it up again but this time worse than ever...I will survive though, I will raise this kid somehow and show it love, teach him/her how to survive and how not to be a fuck up like me, teach him/her about religion, sex, drugs, my racism and such things so he/she doesn't have to learn it from somewhere else like me.
*Shana