I'm back
So much has changed. I was looking back at my journal and I joined here on 6/4/2004, my 32nd birthday. I am now 43, have been on here off and on - more off for the past few years, and my life is not what I wanted it to be.
1. I'm disabled and have not been able to work since 7/06. I loved my job and defined myself by my abilities and my intelligence. Having been at home for so long I don't know how to define myself and all the goals I grew up making for myself are null and void so the ideas of what I would be at 40'ish are so different than who I am now that I am often ashamed of who I am.
2. My ex-husband, the father of my child, died 1/28/14. This was obviously a big change for my daughter but I have been surprised how much I mourn for him. It still hits me sometimes out of the blue. We co-parented very well and I saw him almost every day as we switched her off from house to house for after school changes. There are times I think for a split second, "I'll call to check with David on that or David will remember that." Then I remember he is gone. I know it is hard on my current husband to see me mourn for another man so that makes things complicated as well.
3. My daughter has a complicated living situation and is now home schooled. We decided that when her father died that we would keep her living situation the same to minimize the changes in her life. So she mainly lives with her grandfather in the same house her father lived in with her and goes back and forth to me. I see her every day and I live about 10 minutes away so I can be over there any time I am needed. I have thought about bringing her back over here but my husband and I both live on disability and her grandfather has a lot of money. She is living in a 5 bedroom house with a pool over there and has her own car where if she came over here we have one bathroom for 3 people and I am currently wearing 2 shirts and my robe and under a blanket because it is cold in the house because of bad insulation. I can't give her what he can. And now that she is home schooled she needs to be in a good environment. But I get so much crap from outside people, even professionals, who say "since David died why didn't she come back with you?" or "why are you making a man in his 70's raise your daughter?" They don't see from the outside that we are really co-parenting as much as David and I did. But it still hurts when they say those things.
Anyway, I hope there are people on here who will still talk to me. How are all of you doing?
1. I'm disabled and have not been able to work since 7/06. I loved my job and defined myself by my abilities and my intelligence. Having been at home for so long I don't know how to define myself and all the goals I grew up making for myself are null and void so the ideas of what I would be at 40'ish are so different than who I am now that I am often ashamed of who I am.
2. My ex-husband, the father of my child, died 1/28/14. This was obviously a big change for my daughter but I have been surprised how much I mourn for him. It still hits me sometimes out of the blue. We co-parented very well and I saw him almost every day as we switched her off from house to house for after school changes. There are times I think for a split second, "I'll call to check with David on that or David will remember that." Then I remember he is gone. I know it is hard on my current husband to see me mourn for another man so that makes things complicated as well.
3. My daughter has a complicated living situation and is now home schooled. We decided that when her father died that we would keep her living situation the same to minimize the changes in her life. So she mainly lives with her grandfather in the same house her father lived in with her and goes back and forth to me. I see her every day and I live about 10 minutes away so I can be over there any time I am needed. I have thought about bringing her back over here but my husband and I both live on disability and her grandfather has a lot of money. She is living in a 5 bedroom house with a pool over there and has her own car where if she came over here we have one bathroom for 3 people and I am currently wearing 2 shirts and my robe and under a blanket because it is cold in the house because of bad insulation. I can't give her what he can. And now that she is home schooled she needs to be in a good environment. But I get so much crap from outside people, even professionals, who say "since David died why didn't she come back with you?" or "why are you making a man in his 70's raise your daughter?" They don't see from the outside that we are really co-parenting as much as David and I did. But it still hurts when they say those things.
Anyway, I hope there are people on here who will still talk to me. How are all of you doing?