(no subject)
Woh, alot has really been going on and all these realizations didn't really hit me until just recently...! In summary, things are good and things are bad, but isn't that how you would characterize life? (I'm not trying to sound pesamistic or anything, just a tad-bit matter-o'-fact) So over the past week or so I have come to miss having the usual "text-alive" group meetings and outtings. Omg, I think back to the two trips and I feel like I'm gonna cry from laughter all over again! What funny inside jokes...all so very unapproaite! Our whole sceene was so unapproaitly great! The homo-sexualy undertones, hahaha. I don't think I have laughed so hard, so sober, for so long, this is a good and a bad thing...While it is great to smile and laugh to myself when I think of Andrew totally busting out and singing to M.S.I. in Dejan's car, at the same time I start to doubt all that I have/had. This can be considered compleatly normal because nothing last forever, but I feel like my close friends are totally being pesimistic about such things like our friendships after HS. And the whole group thing, "the sandwitch", yea well that has totally fallen apart. Thinking of it can really be upsetting for me because it is a part of my life that I really don't want to let go of, and to think, Werner is totally okay w/ "the sandwitch" falling apart. It is just "a matter of life", I'm sorry, but personally I really don't like change so this is all rather hard on me. Like we are all still friends, but we all never hang out as a group anymore. But at the same time, all those memories, all those times we did hang out as a group, how many of those times was I even sober for? I know my life is something of a, a, uh...a blurr, and it feels like it always has been (or atleast as far back as I can remember). I started doing "illegal" things earlier than alot of people my age were, and "that type of party life" grew onto me and has pretty much stayed like that over all these past years, except for varying in some ways (not important to duscuss) And I guess I have just hit the point of my life that I don't always want to be fucked up. Like, that has been how I have lived my life starting sometime in 8th grade the first time and I think I am just sick of it, maybe even possibly bored. I don't know, it is hard to explain, I just feel like I'm not living my life to the fullest extent, and I'm sick of barely being able to remember anything, even when it has happened a couple of days ago. And as of right now, I know that is not how I want to continue to live my life. (alothough this point of view may change tomorrow, I don't know) I'm not saying I want to become straight-edge, hell fucking no, I just need to go out and meet new people cause I feel like I'm stuck in a rute w/ the way I am living my life- I want to have fun! But at the same time I don't want to only be able to have fun if I'm fucked up<--that is not how I want to live my life one bit. I have seen so many people waste away right before my eyes, I see it now. And as hard as I try, I know it is not w/in my power to fix it. Maybe that is why I have so much fun when I hangout w/ Andrew, he is carefree and funny w/out needing or having to be on anything... And w/ Rachel, oh Rachel, if only she could see that she doesn't need substances to have fun, if only she could see herself through my eyes for just a moment...But yea, anyways. I was almost fired from my job because I wasn't able to make it to a staff meeting because it was my mom's birthday, thanks KAH! Luckly, Jose pretty much talked Dave outta it but now I have to have like a semi-private meeting w/ Jose and some other co-workers. Oh yea, and as it turns out I won't be going away to NY this weekend, what a bummer!!! My sister is sick, as is my dog, and I don't know what the hell is wrong w/ me, but I have been having trouble breathing. Like I feel like I can't catch my breath (this is when I have even been sitting and not moving at all) and when I breath deeply there is a sharp, sudden pain in the middle of my chest/ rib cage. Meh, I probably caught something from one of the kids at work, oh well. So now I getto stay homw and do a shitload of HW that my ADD brain can't even focus on-fuck. And wow, it is a quarter to 12, why is it that I can't seem to go to be this whole week before 12-12:30 and the latest like 2:30-3. I am so just drained, I look so zoned out at school! Hahaha oh well, maybe I will get some Starbucks before school, hmmm... Wait no, I have a pre-calc quiz 1st pr that I simply can't be late for, hey I should stop talking to myself and study for that now...Pace to all!