search in circles everytime I try
I have had a weird couple of days. I don't know where I'm going or what's going on. I'm tired...emotionally for sure and physically as well. I can't sleep. Plain and simple. There is too much going on in my head. I can't seem to make it all stop. A former team member's six year old nephew drowned yesterday, a very cute kid in fact, but I have this overwhelming feeling of loss even though I am in no way affected by it. It's such a shame when someone that young dies. He had no chance to start doing things the way he wanted to. No chance for him to even become his own person. His life was extinguished before he ever got off to a roaring start. Thinking of things like this brings me to where I'm at now: My life is filled with trists and turns.
Things are changing maybe for the better, maybe for the worst, or maybe just to go back to being the same. Only time can tell. With all the thoughts listed above with life being uncertain and never knowing when it will end, why do we lie and keep secrets that we know we shouldn't? Why do we find new ways to hurt the ones we love with the same secrets over and over again? It comes out in the open and people become more creative with hiding these things. We all end up getting hurt in the end and we either alienate ourselves or those directly affected by our actions. I don't really have any secrets more like things about my past that I'm afraid I'll be laughed at for revealing, those true self defining moments of ridicule, humiliation, and self realization. Events that really scarred me mentally that more insensitive people wouldn't have the understanding of the message that underlies the growth and healing process caused by those moments of human cruelty.
I'm also feeling like I'm at a war with my body. It's so funny when you think about it. We all have this self loathing of our physical being and really in the end, the only thing we have is our body and mind. You will always have yourself to depend on. Some of us ignore the media and its evil manner that makes us all feel like we are a lesser person, while others surround themselves with it. The outcome is the same: we don't like who we are or what we look like. Life's got little ironies running rampant. It's all self-destructive because the images in those magazines are fake as well as the airbrushed people on the cover. The truth is no one can be any of thee images. Looks like Adobe is where to invest with every human playing into all this fiction and false advertising...
I've been doing some soul searching lately and I don't know what's going on upstairs. These are the thoughts that fill my mind. Sometimes I feel like I live in a world where I am a lesser person because of who I am and what I have to offer. Maybe that's why I turn to the not-so-judgemental heteros so much. I feel like a square peg trying to squeeze into a round hole. In the hetero world I don't feel like I need to make excuses for myself, even then it seems more real. Funny I never thought I'd say that. I guess that's the maturity developing. My life seems so much less complicated when I look at it through rose colored glasses, but you know there will always be the constant reminders that jolt you so hard the glasses fall off and you're left there with the reality of the situation. I'm just tired of feeling inferior and tired of reminding myself that I'm not. I know I'm not but it's me against the world and I'm outnumbered. I don't like implications of what I need to be or a list of guidelines I need to meet. Life's too short for that and I'm not going to waste my time. I know I'm not alone in feeling this way.
Things are changing maybe for the better, maybe for the worst, or maybe just to go back to being the same. Only time can tell. With all the thoughts listed above with life being uncertain and never knowing when it will end, why do we lie and keep secrets that we know we shouldn't? Why do we find new ways to hurt the ones we love with the same secrets over and over again? It comes out in the open and people become more creative with hiding these things. We all end up getting hurt in the end and we either alienate ourselves or those directly affected by our actions. I don't really have any secrets more like things about my past that I'm afraid I'll be laughed at for revealing, those true self defining moments of ridicule, humiliation, and self realization. Events that really scarred me mentally that more insensitive people wouldn't have the understanding of the message that underlies the growth and healing process caused by those moments of human cruelty.
I'm also feeling like I'm at a war with my body. It's so funny when you think about it. We all have this self loathing of our physical being and really in the end, the only thing we have is our body and mind. You will always have yourself to depend on. Some of us ignore the media and its evil manner that makes us all feel like we are a lesser person, while others surround themselves with it. The outcome is the same: we don't like who we are or what we look like. Life's got little ironies running rampant. It's all self-destructive because the images in those magazines are fake as well as the airbrushed people on the cover. The truth is no one can be any of thee images. Looks like Adobe is where to invest with every human playing into all this fiction and false advertising...
I've been doing some soul searching lately and I don't know what's going on upstairs. These are the thoughts that fill my mind. Sometimes I feel like I live in a world where I am a lesser person because of who I am and what I have to offer. Maybe that's why I turn to the not-so-judgemental heteros so much. I feel like a square peg trying to squeeze into a round hole. In the hetero world I don't feel like I need to make excuses for myself, even then it seems more real. Funny I never thought I'd say that. I guess that's the maturity developing. My life seems so much less complicated when I look at it through rose colored glasses, but you know there will always be the constant reminders that jolt you so hard the glasses fall off and you're left there with the reality of the situation. I'm just tired of feeling inferior and tired of reminding myself that I'm not. I know I'm not but it's me against the world and I'm outnumbered. I don't like implications of what I need to be or a list of guidelines I need to meet. Life's too short for that and I'm not going to waste my time. I know I'm not alone in feeling this way.