(no subject)
so twas a good night. went to a poetry thing in columbus with writers club, then we went to wal-mart and played arround with the halloween costumes lol and listened to some awesome music! -melon collie definately reminds me of some good times. too bad that summer couldnt last forever. dunno, it was like one moment of perfection in a life thats mostly devoid of such, at least, devoid of perfection that involves other people. wierd, i can definately pin that day down as the beginning of that time period, but i cant even begin to fgure out when it ended -or why. i hate that, you find something perfect, and then for no real reason, it just disappears. people are idiots. i swear, its not even like it was some complex perfection that took tons of effort to maintain. it was coffee and cigaretes on summer mornings, talking about nothing in particular, it was easy, and i dont know if i let it go, or if he did , or if he pushed it away, or if it just happened. i dont suppose it matters. i want it back, probobly wont ever have it. and thats the end i guess but i dont know, it still bugs me.
would leaving all this really be running away? i hate capitaism, but to get away from it, you have to go to remote places, that means leaving alot of people, all for what, to make myself more comfortable. is that running away? i feel like though, that i either have to do that, or find something amazing here, something that will make such a difference, cange things so entirely that ill feel like dealing with this culture is worth it. and i dont know if ill ever be able to make that kind of difference. and who am i? some punk ass little girl from the suburbs whos never actually had to worry about a damn thing. i dont think im all too fond of thinking about the future. its scary.
the future seemed so easy when i was five. notre dame, then med school, then id take care of babies for the rest of my life, i could see it all layed out in all its perfection, clean and simple. now though, now all there is is a big oblivion of possibilities, each as empty as the next, either because i wuldnt really be happy or because its implosible. i think most of why i cant imagine being happy is because ive never had any reason to believe that anyone would love me, lets be honest here, relationships -not my strong suit. what are you supposed to do when you completely suck at life?
would leaving all this really be running away? i hate capitaism, but to get away from it, you have to go to remote places, that means leaving alot of people, all for what, to make myself more comfortable. is that running away? i feel like though, that i either have to do that, or find something amazing here, something that will make such a difference, cange things so entirely that ill feel like dealing with this culture is worth it. and i dont know if ill ever be able to make that kind of difference. and who am i? some punk ass little girl from the suburbs whos never actually had to worry about a damn thing. i dont think im all too fond of thinking about the future. its scary.
the future seemed so easy when i was five. notre dame, then med school, then id take care of babies for the rest of my life, i could see it all layed out in all its perfection, clean and simple. now though, now all there is is a big oblivion of possibilities, each as empty as the next, either because i wuldnt really be happy or because its implosible. i think most of why i cant imagine being happy is because ive never had any reason to believe that anyone would love me, lets be honest here, relationships -not my strong suit. what are you supposed to do when you completely suck at life?