deeply, truly, madly, FOREVER SUBURBAN.
london bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down.
It's officially monday.
I'm looking at clothes online. Finally glad i can surf and do something for enjoyment.
Not that I don't enjoy making music, but it does take a lot out of you.
I've had quite a few small achievements in the past couple of weeks.
I feel like I'm actually making something of myself.
It's exhilarating.
I spent most of the day locked up in my room recording.
I started about three songs but was only able to get one fully done.
I went out to go eat dinner with the everyone else and watched the AMAs.
Elise mentioned something about Jessica Ingram over dinner and I almost cried.
She told me that she had given birth to a little baby girl a few weeks ago.
I was stunned.
I KNEW she was gonna make it.
Just listening to her gave you a feeling of. . .
Humility.
And here she was being a mother.
No future, no nothing.
Perhaps for her it isn't that way.
Maybe she likes it.
But Jesus, who wants that??
I can't even fathom the torture.
why why why??
It just makes me want to achieve even more.
To show . . . myself? what I can do.
yeah. myself. to prove to myself, that i am not a FAILURE.
I think that is my worst fear.
Complete FAILURE.
Gawd.
Just thinking about this makes me shiver.
it makes me just wanna scream, cry, and jump from the top of a very high bridge into an icy abyss.
but, perhaps people want that.
to quote a famous poet, "I always hoped for a mistake".
what the fuck was gwen stefani thinking when she said that?
I dunno.
sigh.
i guess what I really want is to just sing.
as corny as that sounds.
to make my music, incorporating what i can relate to in my surroundings and writing about it.
gawd, it's the only thing that truly makes me really happy anymore.
nothing else is as satisfying as making music.
sigh.
imma go download some shit.
audria
It's officially monday.
I'm looking at clothes online. Finally glad i can surf and do something for enjoyment.
Not that I don't enjoy making music, but it does take a lot out of you.
I've had quite a few small achievements in the past couple of weeks.
I feel like I'm actually making something of myself.
It's exhilarating.
I spent most of the day locked up in my room recording.
I started about three songs but was only able to get one fully done.
I went out to go eat dinner with the everyone else and watched the AMAs.
Elise mentioned something about Jessica Ingram over dinner and I almost cried.
She told me that she had given birth to a little baby girl a few weeks ago.
I was stunned.
I KNEW she was gonna make it.
Just listening to her gave you a feeling of. . .
Humility.
And here she was being a mother.
No future, no nothing.
Perhaps for her it isn't that way.
Maybe she likes it.
But Jesus, who wants that??
I can't even fathom the torture.
why why why??
It just makes me want to achieve even more.
To show . . . myself? what I can do.
yeah. myself. to prove to myself, that i am not a FAILURE.
I think that is my worst fear.
Complete FAILURE.
Gawd.
Just thinking about this makes me shiver.
it makes me just wanna scream, cry, and jump from the top of a very high bridge into an icy abyss.
but, perhaps people want that.
to quote a famous poet, "I always hoped for a mistake".
what the fuck was gwen stefani thinking when she said that?
I dunno.
sigh.
i guess what I really want is to just sing.
as corny as that sounds.
to make my music, incorporating what i can relate to in my surroundings and writing about it.
gawd, it's the only thing that truly makes me really happy anymore.
nothing else is as satisfying as making music.
sigh.
imma go download some shit.
audria