On the other hand
Looks like things have not sorted themselves out just this yet. You remember that basque that James photographed me in (if any of you remember) ages and ages ago? Well I tried the same basque on and it did not feel right on. So i adjusted it slightly and went to have a look in the mirror so that I could. What I saw shocked me and left me in floods and floods of tears into a mental breakdown. Am not going to say, if you really want to know talk to me on MSN not here about it I want to spare at least my dignity. But lets just say it was fat related and I know for now am not making it up I am definately fat. I loved it when I was 11st (154lbs) I really really did, I felt great and appreciatd myself. But since I have dated Tom and stayed at Jon's house I have been piling on at least 2st (28lbs) of weight, and I am 13st (182lbs). Okay, you might say it's nothing, but to me it really does show. Most of my clothes don't fit me and I have to either buy some cheap substitute clothes for until I loose the weight or borrow my mums. I don't know when I am going to be 11st again, it could take months!
What makes matters worse is that my periods have not come on yet. I did a pregnancy test and it showed negative and i keep having period pains, but there is nothing. I think there could be something wrong with me and making me put on weight, because I don't take lithium anymore and I don't eat that much to be honest. My bedroom is now a fucking tip and I suppose I need to tidy my bedroom, but starting to tidy up will just make me look at the clothes that don't fit anymore and make me loose it.
My Dad doesn't help as well. He says that I have put on weight and he talks as if I was beautiful when I was 11st and that I have put on weight I am fat and ugly (he hasn't said that in those words but to me it sounds as if he is saying that). But when Lisa showed up on Saturday I could tell she has also put on weight. Dad talked about to me that she did and I replied "So have I" and he just said "Yeah she looked great though" I dunno if he meant her uniform (because she is a policewoman now) but at the time it was like he was saying "Lisa is pretty, and you look ugly."
I feel as if life is not worth living and it sucks really sucks coz the only thing that makes me so strong is Tom. But even he cannot see how desperate I am to loose weight. I have battled with eating disorder nearly all my life and it is scary so fucking scary.
You know what though, it is the month of James's bday (his bday is 24th) and I wish him a Happy Birthday. But I cannot help thinking this is what I deserve for doing what I did to him. For fucks sake though all I want him is to be happy. And all I want is for Tom and I to be happy together. There is something up there that does not like me and I do feel the the Threefold Law is showing this.,
Anyway on less rational matters, I am going to find my Dad and talk to him...I don't care if he is drunk I still want to cry on his shoulder and just burst out all my problems.
What makes matters worse is that my periods have not come on yet. I did a pregnancy test and it showed negative and i keep having period pains, but there is nothing. I think there could be something wrong with me and making me put on weight, because I don't take lithium anymore and I don't eat that much to be honest. My bedroom is now a fucking tip and I suppose I need to tidy my bedroom, but starting to tidy up will just make me look at the clothes that don't fit anymore and make me loose it.
My Dad doesn't help as well. He says that I have put on weight and he talks as if I was beautiful when I was 11st and that I have put on weight I am fat and ugly (he hasn't said that in those words but to me it sounds as if he is saying that). But when Lisa showed up on Saturday I could tell she has also put on weight. Dad talked about to me that she did and I replied "So have I" and he just said "Yeah she looked great though" I dunno if he meant her uniform (because she is a policewoman now) but at the time it was like he was saying "Lisa is pretty, and you look ugly."
I feel as if life is not worth living and it sucks really sucks coz the only thing that makes me so strong is Tom. But even he cannot see how desperate I am to loose weight. I have battled with eating disorder nearly all my life and it is scary so fucking scary.
You know what though, it is the month of James's bday (his bday is 24th) and I wish him a Happy Birthday. But I cannot help thinking this is what I deserve for doing what I did to him. For fucks sake though all I want him is to be happy. And all I want is for Tom and I to be happy together. There is something up there that does not like me and I do feel the the Threefold Law is showing this.,
Anyway on less rational matters, I am going to find my Dad and talk to him...I don't care if he is drunk I still want to cry on his shoulder and just burst out all my problems.