London
I've spent the last few days talking almost hourly with my mother in law. She's one of the few people I've actually told about the rut of depression I've fallen into since becoming pregnant again. She can't understand why people are reacting as they are, which makes me feel a little better about it all. I can say she was completely furious with my own father finding fault in my becoming pregnant so soon after Rowan was born.
It's like I've told everyone, this wasn't planned. We didn't expect this like everyone else but, we're happy about it. Beyond happy. I'm not sure why people are so hostile about it but, it's led me to feel that my being happy is some sort of horrible ordeal. I get not everyone's life is good right now, that their relationships are suffering or have failed in some way. But I'm not them. My husband is not their significant other.
Of course I feel bad their relationships aren't working out or didn't work out. But I can't be there to be their scapegoat for when they have a rough day dealing with it. I've a baby to care for, one on the way and a husband to care for. I can't allow them to unload their problems onto me, it's why everything turned out so badly in the first place.
Eames' mother has pitched the idea I come stay with her in London until the baby is born. That's a few months away yet but, I've decided to take her up on the offer. I know Eames is incredibly busy at work and I've not been able to see him in what feels like forever, it's making all of this harder to deal with. As much as I love John for helping me when I needed a friend and a sympathetic ear, I can't ask him to help shoulder my burden. Especially not given his current situation with Sherlock.
I decided I'll take a train across Europe, get to London and stay there until July or until at least Eames is able to come be with all of us. Roe will be going too of course, I can't ask Mrs. Hudson to care for her any longer. It's been weeks as it is, I'm just thankful she's so understanding of the situation. I really owe her a lot.
I'll be leaving for the station first thing in the morning, I've got most of my things packed and ready to go. I guess the only thing left is to leave a letter to Eames, and an email copy in case he can't get home right off. After that it's London bound, staying in a gorgeous place where I can finally relax and be with people who will support me.
I just... Need a break.. I just need to be happy again, and I know I can't do that when I'm around so much negativity. If I'd known this pregnancy would have created so much controversy with so many people? I think I would have tried to keep it hidden for as long as possible. But, what's done is done I suppose.. I can't take things back, I can't go back in time and stick up for myself like I should have in the first place.
At least in London I'll have a fresher start. I won't have to deal with the constant disgusted looks, sneaky comments and words said just to hurt me. I'm done caring about what other people think, I'm done with it. Either they can accept the fact I'm happy and have the life I want or they can move on and be out of my life. It's their choice now, not mine. I'm done being walked on.
I know this is just my journal and no one will read these pages.. But.. I wish I could tell these so called "friends" how badly they've hurt me with the carelessness of their words. Whether it was purposeful or not, they hurt. And I say "friends" because some of them continue with the same looks, the same comments, the same.. Just.. Everything.
I just wish people could be happy for me.. Not angry because they are jealous of what I have. It's the only assumption I can make. These angry words and horrible looks are nothing but jealousy. Jealousy can do horrible things to people, it can turn them into monsters.. I know that first hand.
I know now that if I let these people get under my skin any further.. If I keep taking their petty words to heart, I'll become bitter and angry with myself. I'll leave this life behind, and I can't do that. I refuse to. If I become that person again, the past year of my life was nothing but a waste for myself and for my husband. I can't do that to him, as it is he hasn't known about the depression, I've been keeping it from him. I've my reasons.. I know it's horrible to keep this dark a secret from him but, I know he'll snap if he finds out.
There will be one of two reactions. 1: The one I expect the most. He'll get angry and he'll personally speak with each person involved. While that side of him is sexy and everything? I don't want to make matters worse.
Then there's reaction 2: The look of guilt. The look I don't want to see, the reaction I don't want to create. I don't want him to feel guilty for my situation, neither of us were to blame for this. If our loving one another so much is a bad thing for this world? Then this world is far more gone than anyone thinks. I don't care that he got me pregnant a month after Roe was born, why should I? I love him more than anything in this world and nothing will ever change that.
This child, our son, is a part of the both of us just like Roe. This little boy is going to be perfect, he'll be close to his big sister and our family will be amazing. I know what I've got in my family, and I'm not going to let these jealous people take that away from me.
Going to London right now is perhaps the wisest choice for everyone involved. At least this way those people who despise my happiness won't have to lay their eyes on me any more.
It's like I've told everyone, this wasn't planned. We didn't expect this like everyone else but, we're happy about it. Beyond happy. I'm not sure why people are so hostile about it but, it's led me to feel that my being happy is some sort of horrible ordeal. I get not everyone's life is good right now, that their relationships are suffering or have failed in some way. But I'm not them. My husband is not their significant other.
Of course I feel bad their relationships aren't working out or didn't work out. But I can't be there to be their scapegoat for when they have a rough day dealing with it. I've a baby to care for, one on the way and a husband to care for. I can't allow them to unload their problems onto me, it's why everything turned out so badly in the first place.
Eames' mother has pitched the idea I come stay with her in London until the baby is born. That's a few months away yet but, I've decided to take her up on the offer. I know Eames is incredibly busy at work and I've not been able to see him in what feels like forever, it's making all of this harder to deal with. As much as I love John for helping me when I needed a friend and a sympathetic ear, I can't ask him to help shoulder my burden. Especially not given his current situation with Sherlock.
I decided I'll take a train across Europe, get to London and stay there until July or until at least Eames is able to come be with all of us. Roe will be going too of course, I can't ask Mrs. Hudson to care for her any longer. It's been weeks as it is, I'm just thankful she's so understanding of the situation. I really owe her a lot.
I'll be leaving for the station first thing in the morning, I've got most of my things packed and ready to go. I guess the only thing left is to leave a letter to Eames, and an email copy in case he can't get home right off. After that it's London bound, staying in a gorgeous place where I can finally relax and be with people who will support me.
I just... Need a break.. I just need to be happy again, and I know I can't do that when I'm around so much negativity. If I'd known this pregnancy would have created so much controversy with so many people? I think I would have tried to keep it hidden for as long as possible. But, what's done is done I suppose.. I can't take things back, I can't go back in time and stick up for myself like I should have in the first place.
At least in London I'll have a fresher start. I won't have to deal with the constant disgusted looks, sneaky comments and words said just to hurt me. I'm done caring about what other people think, I'm done with it. Either they can accept the fact I'm happy and have the life I want or they can move on and be out of my life. It's their choice now, not mine. I'm done being walked on.
I know this is just my journal and no one will read these pages.. But.. I wish I could tell these so called "friends" how badly they've hurt me with the carelessness of their words. Whether it was purposeful or not, they hurt. And I say "friends" because some of them continue with the same looks, the same comments, the same.. Just.. Everything.
I just wish people could be happy for me.. Not angry because they are jealous of what I have. It's the only assumption I can make. These angry words and horrible looks are nothing but jealousy. Jealousy can do horrible things to people, it can turn them into monsters.. I know that first hand.
I know now that if I let these people get under my skin any further.. If I keep taking their petty words to heart, I'll become bitter and angry with myself. I'll leave this life behind, and I can't do that. I refuse to. If I become that person again, the past year of my life was nothing but a waste for myself and for my husband. I can't do that to him, as it is he hasn't known about the depression, I've been keeping it from him. I've my reasons.. I know it's horrible to keep this dark a secret from him but, I know he'll snap if he finds out.
There will be one of two reactions. 1: The one I expect the most. He'll get angry and he'll personally speak with each person involved. While that side of him is sexy and everything? I don't want to make matters worse.
Then there's reaction 2: The look of guilt. The look I don't want to see, the reaction I don't want to create. I don't want him to feel guilty for my situation, neither of us were to blame for this. If our loving one another so much is a bad thing for this world? Then this world is far more gone than anyone thinks. I don't care that he got me pregnant a month after Roe was born, why should I? I love him more than anything in this world and nothing will ever change that.
This child, our son, is a part of the both of us just like Roe. This little boy is going to be perfect, he'll be close to his big sister and our family will be amazing. I know what I've got in my family, and I'm not going to let these jealous people take that away from me.
Going to London right now is perhaps the wisest choice for everyone involved. At least this way those people who despise my happiness won't have to lay their eyes on me any more.