The Phone Call
I felt in two minds as I rushed to answer the phone, part of me wanted to reach it quickly but I also had a mad urge to miss it, as in that way I could almost convince myself I'd imagined it or that it wasn't really important.
As it was I did miss it and then perversely panicked wishing I'd made more effort to rush. I almost cried with relief as it began to ring again and snatching it up pressed the button to connect us.
I felt Tony before he spoke, his sadness and stress reaching down the line and settling into my own heart.
"She's gone, Arn." He said and although I knew he was trying to be strong and even emotionally bullet proof I felt each and every hole.
My initial feeling was overwhelming sorrow that was quickly followed by guilt. I should have gone with him, I'd left it too late and now one of the people I was closest to in the world had slipped out of it without me.
I couldn't however express any of this to Tony, he had been through and was going through enough without having to cope with my feelings of guilt and regret.
"I'm so sorry." I said trying hard not to cry.
"I'm just glad I came over when I did." he said, "So grateful to have had this time with her."
"I'm so glad you did too." I said, "We'll all come over as soon as we can."
"This will sound odd, but check your email."
"My email?"
"Yeah, you know our sister. She knew how you'd be feeling and so she wrote a letter to you a few days ago. She asked me to sent it at the... well you know."
"That's so her, to think of everyone else. To worry about us all and our feelings."
"I know, not a selfish bone in her entire body. Besides she loves you very much."
"I love her so much, too." I said, my voice barely above a whisper but I knew he felt and heard it.
"I better go." he said suddenly making me wish I could just keep the call connected until we got there.
"I love you, darling." I said.
"I love you, oh when you tell the kids please tell them how much I love and miss them and how very much their Aunty Rita loved them."
"I will." I said feeling its truth and yet also it prematurity, but when would it ever be the right time for news such as this. We could never truly be ready or prepared but simply had to cope somehow.
"Let's not say it, okay?" Tony said and I knew instantly he meant 'goodbye'.
"See you soon." I said softly and then with reluctance we both hang up and the tears I'd held in check began to freely fall.
As I went to check my email I tried to be as quiet as possible so as not to wake anyone. I felt strangely crowded and alone at the same time, I needed both solitude and to have someone with me which made no sense at all to me until I heard the faint knock and looked up to see Emma walking into the room.
"Rory said...." she began and then stopped when she saw my face.
"She's gone, Em." I said, "and I really wasn't ready."
Rushing to hug me Emma smiled, a soft sweet smile, "we never are", she said, "we just cope somehow and lean on each other to get through."
"I feel so guilty." I said, "I should have gone."
"Perhaps that would have made it seem too scarily real." she said, "Rita may not have been ready for that."
"She wrote me an email. Do you mind staying while I read it?"
I didn't realise just how shaken I was until it took three attempts to remember and enter my password correctly, I started to worry I'd be locked out of my own email account when finally I was in, I opened the email and started to read but the tears made it difficult to see and so Emma took over.
"My darling Ana", she read. "If you're reading this or are having it read to you then it must mean I've passed, I've always wanted to say that for some crazy reason."
Emma paused then allowing me to soak that in, the giggle it produced making my tears stop for a moment.
"If I know you as well as I think I do, you'll be beating yourself up for not being here. Please don't and sweetheart never think I didn't want you here. It simply would have made it all seem too real and I'm not sure how ready I am for that. Although this letter shows I was more ready than I thought."
Emma stopped again and taking my hand smiled, "She's a lot like you." she said.
"Nutty?" I said making us both laugh.
"Yes but in a good way."
"Is there more?" I said hopefully.
"Remember, I love you with all of my heart and from time to time if and when you think of me do what we would have done together and know I'm just a thought and a prayer away. Oh and please give my love to my beautiful nieces and nephews and to Emma and Rory. I hope they don't mind that I count their children as nieces and nephews too. All my love, until we meet again, Rita."
Once the letter was read we didn't speak for a while, the silence and the closeness comforting us both. Finally Emma said, "What exactly does she want you to do to remember her?"
"I'm sorry to say, I'm sad to report."
Emma grinned, "Are you saying what I think you are?"
"Yup, the murder's in the mail. Whenever one or both of us needed cheering up we'd watch it, mainly just for that scene."
"No wonder you can recite it off by heart, that always impresses me. Do you want to watch it now?"
"How about we just watch that bit."
"Is that enough?"
"It is for now, then you need to get back to that gorgeous bloke of yours."
"What will you do?"
"I'll just lie back and dream of mine."
"Sounds like a plan."
"It does."
"Oh and Ana, hurry home, okay."
"Oh my darling, I promise to." I said and realised I now was sure of just where home was.
As it was I did miss it and then perversely panicked wishing I'd made more effort to rush. I almost cried with relief as it began to ring again and snatching it up pressed the button to connect us.
I felt Tony before he spoke, his sadness and stress reaching down the line and settling into my own heart.
"She's gone, Arn." He said and although I knew he was trying to be strong and even emotionally bullet proof I felt each and every hole.
My initial feeling was overwhelming sorrow that was quickly followed by guilt. I should have gone with him, I'd left it too late and now one of the people I was closest to in the world had slipped out of it without me.
I couldn't however express any of this to Tony, he had been through and was going through enough without having to cope with my feelings of guilt and regret.
"I'm so sorry." I said trying hard not to cry.
"I'm just glad I came over when I did." he said, "So grateful to have had this time with her."
"I'm so glad you did too." I said, "We'll all come over as soon as we can."
"This will sound odd, but check your email."
"My email?"
"Yeah, you know our sister. She knew how you'd be feeling and so she wrote a letter to you a few days ago. She asked me to sent it at the... well you know."
"That's so her, to think of everyone else. To worry about us all and our feelings."
"I know, not a selfish bone in her entire body. Besides she loves you very much."
"I love her so much, too." I said, my voice barely above a whisper but I knew he felt and heard it.
"I better go." he said suddenly making me wish I could just keep the call connected until we got there.
"I love you, darling." I said.
"I love you, oh when you tell the kids please tell them how much I love and miss them and how very much their Aunty Rita loved them."
"I will." I said feeling its truth and yet also it prematurity, but when would it ever be the right time for news such as this. We could never truly be ready or prepared but simply had to cope somehow.
"Let's not say it, okay?" Tony said and I knew instantly he meant 'goodbye'.
"See you soon." I said softly and then with reluctance we both hang up and the tears I'd held in check began to freely fall.
As I went to check my email I tried to be as quiet as possible so as not to wake anyone. I felt strangely crowded and alone at the same time, I needed both solitude and to have someone with me which made no sense at all to me until I heard the faint knock and looked up to see Emma walking into the room.
"Rory said...." she began and then stopped when she saw my face.
"She's gone, Em." I said, "and I really wasn't ready."
Rushing to hug me Emma smiled, a soft sweet smile, "we never are", she said, "we just cope somehow and lean on each other to get through."
"I feel so guilty." I said, "I should have gone."
"Perhaps that would have made it seem too scarily real." she said, "Rita may not have been ready for that."
"She wrote me an email. Do you mind staying while I read it?"
I didn't realise just how shaken I was until it took three attempts to remember and enter my password correctly, I started to worry I'd be locked out of my own email account when finally I was in, I opened the email and started to read but the tears made it difficult to see and so Emma took over.
"My darling Ana", she read. "If you're reading this or are having it read to you then it must mean I've passed, I've always wanted to say that for some crazy reason."
Emma paused then allowing me to soak that in, the giggle it produced making my tears stop for a moment.
"If I know you as well as I think I do, you'll be beating yourself up for not being here. Please don't and sweetheart never think I didn't want you here. It simply would have made it all seem too real and I'm not sure how ready I am for that. Although this letter shows I was more ready than I thought."
Emma stopped again and taking my hand smiled, "She's a lot like you." she said.
"Nutty?" I said making us both laugh.
"Yes but in a good way."
"Is there more?" I said hopefully.
"Remember, I love you with all of my heart and from time to time if and when you think of me do what we would have done together and know I'm just a thought and a prayer away. Oh and please give my love to my beautiful nieces and nephews and to Emma and Rory. I hope they don't mind that I count their children as nieces and nephews too. All my love, until we meet again, Rita."
Once the letter was read we didn't speak for a while, the silence and the closeness comforting us both. Finally Emma said, "What exactly does she want you to do to remember her?"
"I'm sorry to say, I'm sad to report."
Emma grinned, "Are you saying what I think you are?"
"Yup, the murder's in the mail. Whenever one or both of us needed cheering up we'd watch it, mainly just for that scene."
"No wonder you can recite it off by heart, that always impresses me. Do you want to watch it now?"
"How about we just watch that bit."
"Is that enough?"
"It is for now, then you need to get back to that gorgeous bloke of yours."
"What will you do?"
"I'll just lie back and dream of mine."
"Sounds like a plan."
"It does."
"Oh and Ana, hurry home, okay."
"Oh my darling, I promise to." I said and realised I now was sure of just where home was.