Road to the Apocalypse 4/5
Part III: I Found the Gorilla My Dreams but I’m Still Searching for the Rings
“So that was Death?” Sam asked as they pulled away from the restaurant. “One of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?”
“Well, that is just one of his side gigs, albeit an important one,” Gabriel explained. “Just like the Deathly Hallows thing.”
“Side gig…wait, Deathly Hallows...you mean as in Harry Potter?” Sam asked in disbelief. “So all that talk about the squid and Hogwarts wasn’t a TV land thing?”
“Well, yeah…in another dimension anyway,” Gabriel clarified as he opened a Snickers bar, tossed the wrapper in the back seat and propped his feet up on the dashboard. “His real job is much more…all-inclusive than the some end-of-the-world engagement, let alone an ostentatious prank on a trio of magical brothers.”
Sam glared at the angel, who sighed before snapping his fingers causing the trash to vanish. “So what is so important about the rings?” Sam asked, trying to get the Trickster to get to the point.
“Look Sammy,” the angel said despite the fact that hunter started to glare at him again. “We both know you are the one that let dear old Luci out of the Cage. Well, the rings of the Horsemen are the keys to that Cage. If we can get all four of them, then we can open it up again. All we would need to do then is figure a way to shove the spoiled brat back in, then maybe he can go back to his permanent time out and you and your brother won’t have to dance the Lambada after all. That is if you want to stop the Apocalypse.”
“Wait, you want to help us now?” Sam asked, not trusting the Trickster who now was leaning his head over the back of the seat of the Impala, mouth wide open and pouring M & M's down like he was filling his own personal candy dish. “When did you go from wanting us to play our roles to deciding that our necks were worth saving?”
“This isn’t about saving your necks, bucko,” Gabriel sighed. “It’s about saving my brothers’. I thought you might understand something like that, seeing how the only reason you ever gave a damn about spending time with Ruby in the first place was to try and find a way to save Dean.”
Sam glanced at the archangel for a moment as he considered his words. “Okay, so yeah, I get that. But that still doesn’t explain everything. You said you ran away from Heaven to get away from the fighting, and that the Apocalypse was basically the final showdown that would end all the fighting for good. So what has changed?”
“If they fight, it is a fight to the death. That means one of my brothers dies. As much as I hate the fighting, I love my brothers. I don’t want to see one of them die. If Luci goes back in his Cage, then Michael has no reason to fight him. I would rather see that than one of them die. What choice would you make if you were in my shoes?”
Sam sighed and pushed his hair out of his eyes. “Okay, fine. So what is our next step? I mean, we are still missing Dean and Cas. And to be honest, I don’t have the foggiest idea of where we would start looking for any of the other Horsemen.”
“Don’t worry your pretty little head about any of that, Sammy boy,” Gabriel answered with a smile. “I know what we need to do next. Besides, it is late and you need sleep. So let’s find a hotel that is a few steps above the cockroach variety so you can catch a few Z’s and we will move on to plan B tomorrow.”
~*~
“I am Amanda by the way and the guy bringing up the rear is Dave,” the woman offered as she led Dean and Cas through the jungle back the camp. “I didn’t catch your names.”
“I’m Dean, and this here is Cas,” Dean answered as he followed the woman into a clearing that was clearly the beginning of a camp, though a paltry one at best. Gabriel must have sent them here at the beginning of the game since there was no shelter or fire and the group of eight seemed unorganized. Dean noticed one other man and three other women when he arrived in the clearing and nodded a greeting to them.
Cas on the other hand, if he noticed the others did not acknowledge their presence. Instead, he arranged the wood he gathered in an area he thought was appropriate for a fire and grabbed a machete he found in the camp along with some dried grass and twigs he believed would work for kindling. Cas used the machete to fashion one of the pieces of wood into a board with a groove in the middle, and when he was done, he placed the kindling in the groove and picked up a smaller stick. By this time, the majority of the tribe, including Dean had begun to gather around the angel, watching him as he worked. He quietly started using the smaller stick it as a spindle, placing it between his hands and rubbing furiously until a spark emitted from the bottom of the stick and caught the kindling on fire.
Dean thought that it would take him quite awhile rubbing the sticks together to get a spark, and that Cas, even without his mojo seemed to do it remarkably fast. Cas picked up the makeshift board and began to blow gently on the small fire until it became slightly bigger, and he added more kindling. As it grew, he added it to the larger pile of wood, and added even more kindling. The fire slowly grew as the tribe watched in awe.
“Well, E. F. Hutton,” Amanda said as she walked up to Cas and shook his hand in congratulations. “I guess from now on when you speak, we will have to listen.”
Cas tilted his head her in confusion as Dean came up behind him and grabbed him by the arm pulling him off to the side. “Okay, how did you manage that?” the hunter demanded.
“It is really quite simple, I have seen hum-” Cas started but cut himself off when saw Dean shoot him a warning glare at him. “I know the principles of the world my Father made and I have watched others do it before. Many times.”
~*~
Gabriel was surfing the internet on Sam’s laptop while the hunter slept, or tried to sleep. The kid was tossing and turning worse than a stormy sea. Most humans had trouble sleeping if they had too much stress, ate crappy food or watched horror movies before going to sleep. Gabriel got that the kid’s stress level had to make the average person’s look like a beach vacation. But having a chicken Caesar salad and watching The Simpsons before going to sleep should have relaxed him a little bit. No such luck.
The angel had been channel surfing earlier, but the noise had kept Sam awake and the younger man threw a pillow at him and grumbled at him asking him to turn it off. So the Trickster had disappeared for awhile to check on his other ‘project’ and by the time he had returned, Sammy was fast asleep, so he took the opportunity to sneak onto the laptop. Of course, that was a lot less entertaining than watching Dean trying to teach Cas to get along with a bunch of average Joes who were thrown into the wilderness and turned against each other in a last man standing competition.
Just as Gabriel was recalling the look on Dean’s face as Cas had inquired as to why they had to run a complicated relay race in an effort to win control over false idol before the hunter unceremoniously shoved him forward, the angel’s thoughts were interrupted by Sam’s screams of “No, no don’t! Krusty please just put the spritzer bottle down!”
“Oh for crying out loud,” Gabriel muttered as he wandered over to Sam’s bed and began to gently shake the hunter.
“Sam…Sam, wake up.”
The younger man sat up with a gasp, terror in his eyes and looked around the room. “Is he here?”
“Seriously?” the angel asked, staring at Sam. "My brother wants to wear you to Celebrity Death Match, we are developing a plan to go after Famine and Pestilence and your greatest fear right now is that a cartoon clown is going to drown you in your sleep with a spritzer bottle? I am not letting you watch The Simpsons before you go to bed anymore after this. We have too many other things to be worried about for you to be adding nonsense dreams to the list."
Sam rubbed his hand over his face and realized he had been dreaming. He tossed back the remaining covers and headed to the bathroom without saying another word to the angel. Sam wasn’t sure who would have handled the situation better, his brother or the Trickster. Any other nightmare, Dean would have been more concerned about him than anyone else in the whole world, hands down. But when it came to clowns, Dean would tease him until the end of days. Gabriel hadn’t really teased him. But he didn’t want to push it, so he decided to get dressed.
Coming out of the bathroom Sam asked, “So what do we do now?”
“I got a lead on our brothers while you were sleeping,” Gabriel answered, adding another lie to his growing pile. “But these clothes won’t work.” With one snap of his fingers, he changed both of their outfits. Within a second, they disappeared from the hotel entirely.
~*~
When Sam and Gabriel arrived in the middle of the jungle wearing khaki safari outfits complete with pith helmets, Sam suppressed the urge to grumble. They were clearly much farther from the hotel than he had anticipated, and if Dean was anywhere nearby, then he was nowhere near his beloved car. Sam had already endured too much crap and if he was anywhere close to Dean, he would just keep his complaints to himself until he was reunited with his brother. Then he would give the archangel a piece of his mind. He followed Gabriel through the jungle until they came to a clearing that had a variety of objects that seemed to indicate that the area was occupied, including some drums. The Trickster immediately picked up mallet and began banging on one of the larger bass drums and dancing around.
“Cut that out, Gabriel,” Sam complained as he continued to look around the clearing, picking up various objects and studying them in order to ascertain clues as to where they where. “I thought we came to this island to because you said Dean and Cas were here.”
“Don’t worry that pretty little noggin’ of yours Sammy-boy,” Gabriel said as he tapped Sam on the back of his helmet with the drum mallet. “They are here. I was just having some fun before we catch up with them.” But before he could continue, they both heard rumbling in the jungle, and they were suddenly rushed by a large group of people who appeared to be native to the island. Some of the people picked up Sam and Gabriel and seated them on a pedestal in the middle of the clearing and began to adorn them with gifts, while others began to bang out rhythms on the drums and dance themselves.
“Gabriel,” Sam hissed. “What is happening?”
“I don’t know, kiddo,” the angel confessed. “Maybe they think we are a couple of big shots, like gods or something. Looking at me, can you blame them? If I were you, I would just go with the flow.” Sam just glared at him in response.
On the other side of the clearing, the tribal leaders were discussing the turn of events out of earshot of Sam and Gabriel.
“For years I promised you the gods of the foreigners would come from the East and now they are here,” a large older man declared.
“You may think they’re gods, but I think they are a couple of phony-baloneys,” argued a younger skinny man as he pointed at Sam and Gabriel. “There’s no way those two nincompoops can be gods.”
“Harry,” the man who was clearly the chief interrupted as he looked sternly at the younger man. “Steve is our high priest and has guided our people in these matters faithfully. If he says they’re gods-then that’s good enough for me.”
“That’s a lot of hooey,” Harry snorted as he stomped away towards the source of their disagreement. As he approached Gabriel, he pulled on his arm and leg, testing to see if he were a god or not as the archangel looked at him in astonishment. “If he is a god, then I’m Mickey Mouse.”
Upon hearing that, Gabriel went from being surprised to being offended in less than one second. He immediately raised his hand to snap his fingers, prepared to show Harry exactly how much he was Mickey Mouse when he felt Sam’s hand on his wrist. Turning to the hunter, he was about to say something, when he saw Sam giving him the look. The one that said if you do this now I will make your life miserable any possible way I can even though I am just a human. Gabriel sighed and put his hand down. “You know kiddo, would it really kill you to act like a god?” When he was only met with one of Sammy’s bitchfaces, Gabriel shot back, “I said a god kiddo, not a cod.”
Many members of the tribe began to bring up gifts to the pair, including food and even hand crafted necklaces. A woman even brought up her small child and tried to hand the infant over to Sam.
“What? Are we supposed to kiss the babies?” Sam asked flustered as he leaned back away from the woman.
“We’re not running for anything, kiddo,” Gabriel explained, taking a bite of one of the sweeter snacks offered. “We’ve already been elected.”
Over on the other side of the clearing, the tribal leaders were once again arguing over Sam and Gabriel.
“The trouble with you Harry” said the chief sternly, “is that you won’t even listen.”
“He’s just jealous,” declared Steve pointing angrily to Harry. “He’s trying to get my job. Like you would even want it. You only see the glamorous side of it. But no one warns you that whole village will have an opinion on how you do your job, or how you dress or how your wife cooks. But regardless of your jealously, I know I am right.”
“They’re not gods, just ‘cause you say so, Steve.” Harry retorted as he rolled his eyes at yet another one of the priests complaints at how hard his life was. Turning to the chief he added, “Make ‘em prove it.”
“I think Harry’s got something there.” The chief replied as he stroked his chin.
“Let’s put ‘em in with Agua…He’ll settle it.” Harry declared triumphantly.
“Good…If Agua don’t tear ‘em to bits, we’ll know they’re gods,” the chief nodded. “Let’s just put one of ‘em in…if it don’t work we can still use the other one to dig our latrines.”
~*~
Dean and Cas were at camp alone, which meant the other members of their tribe were off conspiring to vote one of them off the island. He didn’t know if this was a good thing or a bad thing. Every other reality craphole Gabriel had sucked them into, the two of them had left together. Dean was hoping it would be the case here, but he could never count on things being consistent with that psycho archangel. He was also getting way too comfortable. This was by far the best place the Trickster had sent them yet, even if they didn't belong here. Despite the embarrassing fiasco at the immunity challenge, he and Cas actually fit in better here than anywhere else they had been sent. Dean’s hunting skills had ensured that the tribe had food and though Cas didn’t quite fit in socially, the fact he could build a fire and the two of them could put together a decent shelter had won over the rest of the tribe. So he was just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
“I don’t understand,” Cas said, breaking the silence and interrupting Dean’s thoughts. “I thought humans voted on their political leaders, not on which other humans with whom they chose to reside.”
“Yeah, right. Maybe we would be better off if we shipped our politicians off to play this game,” Dean snorted. “But that is all this is, Cas. A game. And since it is the one your brother stuck us in, I would bet it is even more sick and twisted than usual. I have been keeping my eyes and ears open for anything weirder than what we are used to. I don’t know whether to hope for a typical show ‘twist’ where two people get voted off and we both can expect to go tonight and have your brother ship us off the Real Housewives of Orange County as cabana boys or whether he is going to split us up and put you on Ice Road Truckers and me on Project Runway.”
“Why would Gabriel split us up Dean?” Cas asked as he added more wood to the fire. “Nothing that we have been through has brought harm to us and we have been able to stay together so far. Besides, why do you think we are going to be the ones getting voted off tonight? That young man, Dave, does nothing but plant seeds of distrust among the other members of our group by complaining to everyone about all of our shortcomings. I have watched him do this on numerous occasions. He contributes nothing but discord to the group. Logic dictates that he should be the one that most members of our group would vote to remove from the habitat.”
Dean rolled his eyes as he answered his best friend. "First of all, there is nothing about this game that is logical. This game was made for people like Dave. He is just like your idiotic brother except without the wings and the fancy powers. He simply enjoys toying with people. I would bet you my last fake credit card he will walk away with all the money in the end," Dean retorted. “Second, we will be the ones getting voted off tonight because you fell face-first into Survivor Barbie during the immunity challenge which led to our tribe loosing. So despite the fact that you can build a fire like it's no one's business, these people don't take too kindly to losing and they are going to say sayonara to E.F. Hutton and his shadow at their first opportunity. And as far as you brother goes, why does he do any of the crap he does Cas? He is probably just getting his jollies off watching us struggle through his own personal obstacle course while he has Sam cornered and toying with him. So help me, when this is over, I am going to ring his scrawny little neck.”
“Dean, Gabriel does not have a scrawny little neck as you have described,” Cas said tilting his head as he regarded the hunter with curiosity. “That is just his vessel. In his true form, he is actually much bigger than even one of your-“
“Can it, Cas,” Dean interrupted. “If your douche bag brother is going to drop us in reality TV land hell, then at least let me live with the fantasy that I can put a stop to him somehow.”
~*~
The chief stood and made an announcement to the tribe. While Sam could not understand what he was saying, Gabriel’s eye grew wide as he heard what the man said. Suddenly the crowd rushed the two of them, as they picked them up and carried them across the clearing to another area several meters from where they had been before.
“What’s happening Gabriel? What are they doing?” Sam asked as fear crept into his voice.
“Well, I guess all that wrestling practice you got with Orville is going to come in handy,” the angel answered as they approached a large cage. “They want us to prove we are gods by having one of us tango with their pet gorilla, Agua here. You’ve got my vote of confidence kiddo. I will even take more photos to add to your collection.”
“Nu-huh. No way!” Sam protested shaking his head. “I have already done my fair share of animal herding on this mission. It’s your turn.”
“Sorry kiddo. No can do,” Gabriel said with a wink and a smile. “The higher ups in the tribe picked you for this one, not me. I had nothing to do with it. Maybe next time.”
“There isn’t going to be a next time,” Sam grumbled as one of the members of the tribe pushed him into the cage. Stumbling across the cage, Sam quickly regained his balance as he looked around. He began to circle the edge of the cage when he noticed the gorilla stalking him. “Gabriel…Gabriel, get me out of here,” Sam pleaded as the gorilla lunged for him and he dove to the side to avoid being grabbed by the mammal.
Sam scrambled to his feet and turned to face Agua while the angel was cheering him on from the outside of the cage. “Get him! You can do it! The kid’s got nothin’ but height on you,” Gabriel yelled.
Sam spun around and grabbed Gabriel by his shirt through bars. “I’m in this freaking cage because of you and you’re cheering for the gorilla?!” Sam screamed as he shook the angel.
But his rant was cut short when Agua grabbed him around his waist and threw him to the ground. Sam attempted to rollover to get up off the ground, but he wasn’t quick enough. Agua jumped and landed on top of the hunter, causing Sam to emit a groan. The younger man instinctively brought his hands up to his face in a protective gesture, but the gorilla grabbed Sam’s hands, pinning them to the ground. Agua then lowered his face until their lips met in a quick kiss.
“Blech,” Sam said shaking his head as he pushed Agau off with all the force he could muster and quickly moved to the side of the cage. He could hear Gabriel roaring with laughter and he shot the angel a deathly glare. “I’m done with this,” Sam declared. “Get me out of here…NOW!”
“Oh, Sammy,” Gabriel laughed breathlessly as he wiped the tears from his eyes before he snapped his fingers causing the lock on the cage to beak open. “Maybe if you didn’t wear your hair in your eyes, the gorilla wouldn’t think you were a girl!”
"It's not funny, Gabriel," Sam spat out as he pulled the angel away from the cage. The two found themselves surrounded by angry members of the tribe, disappointed that their guests were not the gods they thought they were. Each of them soon had a guard standing next to them so they couldn't escape the area. Noticing this Sam exclaimed, “Now get us both out of here, and in a way that doesn’t reinforce the idea that we are some sort of gods that deserve their worship!"
"Fine," Gabriel reluctantly agreed. "But you really are no fun at all, you know that? Just follow my lead, okay?" And Sam suddenly realized Gabriel had planted an image in his head of what he intended to do. The next thing he knew, Sam found himself playing patty-cake with an archangel in the middle of the jungle. After they both chanted "bake me a cake as fast as you can," instead of moving on to the motions and lyrics for "roll it, pat it and mark with a B", Sam and Gabriel each took a swing at their guards, knocking them in the jaw and bowling them over. The action surprised everyone so much, that Sam and Gabriel were able to make a run for it.
Pushing through the crowd, they were able to get out into the jungle before any of the other guards took off after them. Once Gabriel believed the two of them were far enough ahead of any of the tribe member's sight, he snapped them away to another part of the island.
"You know kiddo, it would of been a heck of a lot easier if you would have just let me do that back in front of Chief Talks-A-Lot and his pals," Gabriel snorted as he sat down under a palm tree. "He wouldn't be the first person to be overly impressed with the phenomenally cosmic powers my Dad gave me for situations like this."
"I don't think God gave you angelic powers so ordinary people would ending up worshiping the likes of you," Sam remarked as he joined Gabriel under the tree. "I thought you were supposed to be his Messenger, and ya' know, point people to Him, not towards you."
"Well, when you have such a winning personality like me, can you blame them?" he asked with his trademark smirk. "But you're probably right. My powers weren't really designed to make me look like a god, I just fashioned that trick later in life. They're more to help hapless folks who are in over the heads from say, I don't know, Japanese ghouls they can't kill."
“Wait? That was you that took care of the O-dokuro?” Sam asked incredulously. “Was that why the explosion flashed brighter than it should have?”
“Of course it was me,” Gabriel claimed. “Do you think that some lame sticky bomb that Dean-o came up was going to gank something as powerful as an O-dokuro? Terrible waste of Jell-O, too, if you ask me,” he added as he glanced at the hunter sideways. “Unless you’re going to tell me it was sugar-free, then I’ll let it slide.”
“I knew it!” Sam yelled, grabbing Gabriel by the shoulder. “You have been behind this the whole time. Is this just a game to you, playing with our lives? So where’s my brother? Where are Dean and Cas?”
“Hey! Watch the merchandise!” Gabriel said, shaking Sam off. “They’re fine. They’ve been fine the whole time. In fact, they are not too far from here right now.”
"Then we are going there now," Sam gritted out as he stood up and pulled the archangel with him. "And I will deal with the fact that you lied to me later. Lead the way."
"Fine," muttered Gabriel as he brushed himself off. He led Sam in the direction he knew their brothers to be and in a few minutes the trees gave way to the beach and Sam could clearly see both Dean and Cas sitting by a fire. Leaving the archangel behind he ran up to them.
"Dean," he gasped. "Are you okay? How long have you guys been out here? Did Gabriel do anything to you?"
Dean pulled Sammy into a hug. "Naw, we’re fine Sammy. Just another round of TV land, this time the reality TV hell version, that's all. I'm more worried about you. What did that freak do with you while he had us hidden away?"
"Sure, just go ahead and talk about me like I'm not here," Gabriel said as he sauntered in behind Sam. "None of you would be here now if it weren't for my ingenious plan."
"Ingenious plan?" Dean asked as he lunged at the archangel and grabbed him by the neck, strangling him with all of his might. "You stuck me on a reality game show that involved putting me on a plane to Tokyo, before I had to cook convenience store food for a bunch of snobs and then you stuck Cas and me here with a bunch of people whose idea of outwitting and outlasting is to act like you. God only knows what you did to Sammy while you were alone with him.”
Gabriel easily disappeared from Dean’s grasp and reappeared at Cas’ side, rubbing his throat. “Geesh, what have they been feeding you out here Dean-o? My Dad isn’t the only one that knows what Sammy and I did. There were witnesses,” the angel said as he waggled his eyebrows. “Especially if you count the octopus and the gorilla.”
“Why you little…” Dean yelled as he reached for Gabriel, only to be stopped by Cas.
“I don’t think Gabriel intended to harm any of us Dean,” Cas explained. “Perhaps we should let him explain.”
“Yeah, and if your worried about your brother’s virtue, I would be more concerned about the gorilla than little ole me,” Gabriel quipped as he smoothed his shirt down.
“I don’t even wanna know, do I?” Dean asked as he ran a hand over his face.
“No you don’t,” Sam answered. Turning to Gabriel he said, “You better start explaining, but keep it short.”
“Alright, I’ll admit that the grand scheme all along was to get you muttonheads to play your roles. I though it would be easier if I got Sammy all by his lonesome to say yes. But then I discovered that he had some nice jewelry that belonged to War, the kind that people like him don’t usually give up because it’s ‘my precious’. Except round these parts, there are four rings instead of one and instead of getting you a nice little rhyme and a vacation to Mt. Doom, they open the door to Luci’s Cage,” Gabriel explained. “Now you and Sammy have one of those keys. I have an inside source that will get us another one. That just leaves us two more to get on our own. We get all four and instead of you two becoming prom dresses, all we would have to do is shove my idiot brother back into the joint and no more Apocalypse.”
“Are you for real?” Dean asked incredulously. “We are just supposed to believe that you want us to form our own little fellowship of the rings to go off and search for another way to end this all? After everything you have done to us?”
“He’s not lying about the rings Dean,” Sam intervened. “The Four Horsemen; they each have one and I met Death. If we can get the others, he will give us his.”
“Yeah, Lucifer has him by the short and curlies so even he is looking for another way out of this mess,” Gabriel added.
“It is a plausible solution Dean,” Cas pointed out. “Though it will be difficult to track down Famine and Pestilence.”
“Fine, we'll do it,” Dean finally conceded after a moment’s consideration as he glanced at Gabriel. “I guess searching for rings is as good of a plan as any, especially since we are stuck with a fool of a Took over there.”
~*~
The rag tag group arrived back at the motel that Sam and Gabriel had left behind courtesy of a Trickster finger snap. As Sam began to gather his things, Dean confronted the archangel. "You stuck me in all of those crappy reality shows," Dean scowled at Gabriel. "Didn’t you once ever think about putting me on Rock of Love where I could hang out with someone other than a ‘win the prize money at all costs’ nut job?" The hunter began to day dream of hanging out with a rocker, giving him advice or even being a roadie until he was snapped back to reality when his brother accidently bumped into him.
Gabriel stared at Dean in mild shock before a wicked grin spread across his face. "You continue to surprise me, Dean-o. I didn't think you were so flexible. But yeah," the angel said thoughtfully as he stroked his chin and gave Dean a slow once over. "Re-shape the frame, add a little extra padding, grow out that dirty blonde hair, stick on a tramp stamp and I think Deanna Winchester would be ready to fight off those other crazy bitches for a chance at trailer park living with Poison's washed-up bad boy."
"I...uh...that's not…uh," Dean struggled to get the words out as the color drained from his face. Before he could pull himself together though he was thrown for another loop when Cas spoke up.
"What is a tramp stamp?" he asked, his blue eyes wide with curiosity.
"That bro, is a lesson for another day," Gabriel answered, slapping the younger angel on the back as he glanced at Dean with a smirk and Sam tried to suppress his laughter. As Sam gathered the last of his things, the group stepped out of the motel room and into the parking lot where the final reunion of the day took place.
“Oh my baby,” Dean purred as he ran his hand along the hood of the Impala. “You look good. Did Sammy take care of you?”
“Of course I did,” Sam said indignantly. “Does she look any worse for the wear?”
“Alright, move it along,” Gabriel snorted pushing past the two brothers. “You can continue your epic love story with an inanimate object another time; right now we have jewelry to track down.”
Dean snarled at the angel as the four of them piled into the Impala; Sam and Dean in the front, Gabriel and Cas in the back.
“Hey Dean-o, do you think you could find a find a radio station that plays Klingon opera music?” Gabriel asked as he tore open a package of Starbursts. “I’m in the mood for something ear shattering.”
“Yeah well, too bad,” Dean answered as he put the key in the ignition. “Because driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cakehole and the backseat passengers can take a flying leap into the pit if they don’t like it!”
As Dean started his car, he noticed a smear of peanut butter and chocolate on the steering wheeling while on the radio, a song that wasn’t the usual fare blasted loudly through the Impala’s speakers:
She knows her mind all right, your Auntie Grizelda,
She says she knows my kind, she might, maybe so.
Oh, yeah, she’s raised you right, your Auntie Grizelda,
You only know the things she wants you to know.
I know she’s having a fit,
She doesn’t like me a bit,
No bird of grace ever lit on Auntie Grizelda.
“Geesh Sammy!” Dean exclaimed as he turned off the radio. ”What have you been doing in my baby? Listening to outdated music like that and you don’t even like peanut butter cups.”
“I know, it’s a crying shame isn’t? Nothing I tried could get the kid to eat any,” Gabriel interrupted as he propped his feet on the back of the front seat. "But don't dis the music Dean-o, it's timeless. Might even open your eyes to a thing or two."
Dean whipped his head around to stare at the archangel before slowly turning on his brother. “You let that…that psychotic douche bag with wings drive my baby?!” Dean shrieked, the veins in his forehead throbbing as he grabbed Sam by the front of his shirt. “I am going to kill you!”
“Is that before or after we throw my brother back in the Cage? Because I am pretty sure Luci can bring him back if he needs him as, ya’ know a vessel or something,” Gabriel observed. Leaning over to Cas he whispered, “Not that I couldn’t bring the kid back myself but the look of terror on Sam’s face right now is priceless. I don’t think dear old Luci could scare him that badly.”
“Hey, he actually knows how to drive. I made sure of that before I gave him the keys,” Sam pleaded in self-defense. “No Impalas were harmed in the course of our mission to get to you.”
“There is peanut butter and chocolate on my steering wheel,” Dean said through gritted teeth. “What else did he do? You know, I'm not sure I even want to know the answer to that question.”
“Aw come on, now,” Gabriel shrugged as he let another candy wrapper flutter to the floor. “What’s done is done. Does that really matter as long as I cleaned it up?”
Dean let go of Sam, knocked Gabriel's feet off the back of the seat and shot them both death glares. Cas, who had been quietly observing this up until now finally said from the back seat, “If Gabriel was allowed to drive, I don’t understand why you will not teach me how to operate your vehicle Dean.”
“See what you started Sammy,” Dean seethed as he pulled out of the parking lot. “How is this my life?”
Bonus Feature
“So that was Death?” Sam asked as they pulled away from the restaurant. “One of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?”
“Well, that is just one of his side gigs, albeit an important one,” Gabriel explained. “Just like the Deathly Hallows thing.”
“Side gig…wait, Deathly Hallows...you mean as in Harry Potter?” Sam asked in disbelief. “So all that talk about the squid and Hogwarts wasn’t a TV land thing?”
“Well, yeah…in another dimension anyway,” Gabriel clarified as he opened a Snickers bar, tossed the wrapper in the back seat and propped his feet up on the dashboard. “His real job is much more…all-inclusive than the some end-of-the-world engagement, let alone an ostentatious prank on a trio of magical brothers.”
Sam glared at the angel, who sighed before snapping his fingers causing the trash to vanish. “So what is so important about the rings?” Sam asked, trying to get the Trickster to get to the point.
“Look Sammy,” the angel said despite the fact that hunter started to glare at him again. “We both know you are the one that let dear old Luci out of the Cage. Well, the rings of the Horsemen are the keys to that Cage. If we can get all four of them, then we can open it up again. All we would need to do then is figure a way to shove the spoiled brat back in, then maybe he can go back to his permanent time out and you and your brother won’t have to dance the Lambada after all. That is if you want to stop the Apocalypse.”
“Wait, you want to help us now?” Sam asked, not trusting the Trickster who now was leaning his head over the back of the seat of the Impala, mouth wide open and pouring M & M's down like he was filling his own personal candy dish. “When did you go from wanting us to play our roles to deciding that our necks were worth saving?”
“This isn’t about saving your necks, bucko,” Gabriel sighed. “It’s about saving my brothers’. I thought you might understand something like that, seeing how the only reason you ever gave a damn about spending time with Ruby in the first place was to try and find a way to save Dean.”
Sam glanced at the archangel for a moment as he considered his words. “Okay, so yeah, I get that. But that still doesn’t explain everything. You said you ran away from Heaven to get away from the fighting, and that the Apocalypse was basically the final showdown that would end all the fighting for good. So what has changed?”
“If they fight, it is a fight to the death. That means one of my brothers dies. As much as I hate the fighting, I love my brothers. I don’t want to see one of them die. If Luci goes back in his Cage, then Michael has no reason to fight him. I would rather see that than one of them die. What choice would you make if you were in my shoes?”
Sam sighed and pushed his hair out of his eyes. “Okay, fine. So what is our next step? I mean, we are still missing Dean and Cas. And to be honest, I don’t have the foggiest idea of where we would start looking for any of the other Horsemen.”
“Don’t worry your pretty little head about any of that, Sammy boy,” Gabriel answered with a smile. “I know what we need to do next. Besides, it is late and you need sleep. So let’s find a hotel that is a few steps above the cockroach variety so you can catch a few Z’s and we will move on to plan B tomorrow.”
~*~
“I am Amanda by the way and the guy bringing up the rear is Dave,” the woman offered as she led Dean and Cas through the jungle back the camp. “I didn’t catch your names.”
“I’m Dean, and this here is Cas,” Dean answered as he followed the woman into a clearing that was clearly the beginning of a camp, though a paltry one at best. Gabriel must have sent them here at the beginning of the game since there was no shelter or fire and the group of eight seemed unorganized. Dean noticed one other man and three other women when he arrived in the clearing and nodded a greeting to them.
Cas on the other hand, if he noticed the others did not acknowledge their presence. Instead, he arranged the wood he gathered in an area he thought was appropriate for a fire and grabbed a machete he found in the camp along with some dried grass and twigs he believed would work for kindling. Cas used the machete to fashion one of the pieces of wood into a board with a groove in the middle, and when he was done, he placed the kindling in the groove and picked up a smaller stick. By this time, the majority of the tribe, including Dean had begun to gather around the angel, watching him as he worked. He quietly started using the smaller stick it as a spindle, placing it between his hands and rubbing furiously until a spark emitted from the bottom of the stick and caught the kindling on fire.
Dean thought that it would take him quite awhile rubbing the sticks together to get a spark, and that Cas, even without his mojo seemed to do it remarkably fast. Cas picked up the makeshift board and began to blow gently on the small fire until it became slightly bigger, and he added more kindling. As it grew, he added it to the larger pile of wood, and added even more kindling. The fire slowly grew as the tribe watched in awe.
“Well, E. F. Hutton,” Amanda said as she walked up to Cas and shook his hand in congratulations. “I guess from now on when you speak, we will have to listen.”
Cas tilted his head her in confusion as Dean came up behind him and grabbed him by the arm pulling him off to the side. “Okay, how did you manage that?” the hunter demanded.
“It is really quite simple, I have seen hum-” Cas started but cut himself off when saw Dean shoot him a warning glare at him. “I know the principles of the world my Father made and I have watched others do it before. Many times.”
~*~
Gabriel was surfing the internet on Sam’s laptop while the hunter slept, or tried to sleep. The kid was tossing and turning worse than a stormy sea. Most humans had trouble sleeping if they had too much stress, ate crappy food or watched horror movies before going to sleep. Gabriel got that the kid’s stress level had to make the average person’s look like a beach vacation. But having a chicken Caesar salad and watching The Simpsons before going to sleep should have relaxed him a little bit. No such luck.
The angel had been channel surfing earlier, but the noise had kept Sam awake and the younger man threw a pillow at him and grumbled at him asking him to turn it off. So the Trickster had disappeared for awhile to check on his other ‘project’ and by the time he had returned, Sammy was fast asleep, so he took the opportunity to sneak onto the laptop. Of course, that was a lot less entertaining than watching Dean trying to teach Cas to get along with a bunch of average Joes who were thrown into the wilderness and turned against each other in a last man standing competition.
Just as Gabriel was recalling the look on Dean’s face as Cas had inquired as to why they had to run a complicated relay race in an effort to win control over false idol before the hunter unceremoniously shoved him forward, the angel’s thoughts were interrupted by Sam’s screams of “No, no don’t! Krusty please just put the spritzer bottle down!”
“Oh for crying out loud,” Gabriel muttered as he wandered over to Sam’s bed and began to gently shake the hunter.
“Sam…Sam, wake up.”
The younger man sat up with a gasp, terror in his eyes and looked around the room. “Is he here?”
“Seriously?” the angel asked, staring at Sam. "My brother wants to wear you to Celebrity Death Match, we are developing a plan to go after Famine and Pestilence and your greatest fear right now is that a cartoon clown is going to drown you in your sleep with a spritzer bottle? I am not letting you watch The Simpsons before you go to bed anymore after this. We have too many other things to be worried about for you to be adding nonsense dreams to the list."
Sam rubbed his hand over his face and realized he had been dreaming. He tossed back the remaining covers and headed to the bathroom without saying another word to the angel. Sam wasn’t sure who would have handled the situation better, his brother or the Trickster. Any other nightmare, Dean would have been more concerned about him than anyone else in the whole world, hands down. But when it came to clowns, Dean would tease him until the end of days. Gabriel hadn’t really teased him. But he didn’t want to push it, so he decided to get dressed.
Coming out of the bathroom Sam asked, “So what do we do now?”
“I got a lead on our brothers while you were sleeping,” Gabriel answered, adding another lie to his growing pile. “But these clothes won’t work.” With one snap of his fingers, he changed both of their outfits. Within a second, they disappeared from the hotel entirely.
~*~
When Sam and Gabriel arrived in the middle of the jungle wearing khaki safari outfits complete with pith helmets, Sam suppressed the urge to grumble. They were clearly much farther from the hotel than he had anticipated, and if Dean was anywhere nearby, then he was nowhere near his beloved car. Sam had already endured too much crap and if he was anywhere close to Dean, he would just keep his complaints to himself until he was reunited with his brother. Then he would give the archangel a piece of his mind. He followed Gabriel through the jungle until they came to a clearing that had a variety of objects that seemed to indicate that the area was occupied, including some drums. The Trickster immediately picked up mallet and began banging on one of the larger bass drums and dancing around.
“Cut that out, Gabriel,” Sam complained as he continued to look around the clearing, picking up various objects and studying them in order to ascertain clues as to where they where. “I thought we came to this island to because you said Dean and Cas were here.”
“Don’t worry that pretty little noggin’ of yours Sammy-boy,” Gabriel said as he tapped Sam on the back of his helmet with the drum mallet. “They are here. I was just having some fun before we catch up with them.” But before he could continue, they both heard rumbling in the jungle, and they were suddenly rushed by a large group of people who appeared to be native to the island. Some of the people picked up Sam and Gabriel and seated them on a pedestal in the middle of the clearing and began to adorn them with gifts, while others began to bang out rhythms on the drums and dance themselves.
“Gabriel,” Sam hissed. “What is happening?”
“I don’t know, kiddo,” the angel confessed. “Maybe they think we are a couple of big shots, like gods or something. Looking at me, can you blame them? If I were you, I would just go with the flow.” Sam just glared at him in response.
On the other side of the clearing, the tribal leaders were discussing the turn of events out of earshot of Sam and Gabriel.
“For years I promised you the gods of the foreigners would come from the East and now they are here,” a large older man declared.
“You may think they’re gods, but I think they are a couple of phony-baloneys,” argued a younger skinny man as he pointed at Sam and Gabriel. “There’s no way those two nincompoops can be gods.”
“Harry,” the man who was clearly the chief interrupted as he looked sternly at the younger man. “Steve is our high priest and has guided our people in these matters faithfully. If he says they’re gods-then that’s good enough for me.”
“That’s a lot of hooey,” Harry snorted as he stomped away towards the source of their disagreement. As he approached Gabriel, he pulled on his arm and leg, testing to see if he were a god or not as the archangel looked at him in astonishment. “If he is a god, then I’m Mickey Mouse.”
Upon hearing that, Gabriel went from being surprised to being offended in less than one second. He immediately raised his hand to snap his fingers, prepared to show Harry exactly how much he was Mickey Mouse when he felt Sam’s hand on his wrist. Turning to the hunter, he was about to say something, when he saw Sam giving him the look. The one that said if you do this now I will make your life miserable any possible way I can even though I am just a human. Gabriel sighed and put his hand down. “You know kiddo, would it really kill you to act like a god?” When he was only met with one of Sammy’s bitchfaces, Gabriel shot back, “I said a god kiddo, not a cod.”
Many members of the tribe began to bring up gifts to the pair, including food and even hand crafted necklaces. A woman even brought up her small child and tried to hand the infant over to Sam.
“What? Are we supposed to kiss the babies?” Sam asked flustered as he leaned back away from the woman.
“We’re not running for anything, kiddo,” Gabriel explained, taking a bite of one of the sweeter snacks offered. “We’ve already been elected.”
Over on the other side of the clearing, the tribal leaders were once again arguing over Sam and Gabriel.
“The trouble with you Harry” said the chief sternly, “is that you won’t even listen.”
“He’s just jealous,” declared Steve pointing angrily to Harry. “He’s trying to get my job. Like you would even want it. You only see the glamorous side of it. But no one warns you that whole village will have an opinion on how you do your job, or how you dress or how your wife cooks. But regardless of your jealously, I know I am right.”
“They’re not gods, just ‘cause you say so, Steve.” Harry retorted as he rolled his eyes at yet another one of the priests complaints at how hard his life was. Turning to the chief he added, “Make ‘em prove it.”
“I think Harry’s got something there.” The chief replied as he stroked his chin.
“Let’s put ‘em in with Agua…He’ll settle it.” Harry declared triumphantly.
“Good…If Agua don’t tear ‘em to bits, we’ll know they’re gods,” the chief nodded. “Let’s just put one of ‘em in…if it don’t work we can still use the other one to dig our latrines.”
~*~
Dean and Cas were at camp alone, which meant the other members of their tribe were off conspiring to vote one of them off the island. He didn’t know if this was a good thing or a bad thing. Every other reality craphole Gabriel had sucked them into, the two of them had left together. Dean was hoping it would be the case here, but he could never count on things being consistent with that psycho archangel. He was also getting way too comfortable. This was by far the best place the Trickster had sent them yet, even if they didn't belong here. Despite the embarrassing fiasco at the immunity challenge, he and Cas actually fit in better here than anywhere else they had been sent. Dean’s hunting skills had ensured that the tribe had food and though Cas didn’t quite fit in socially, the fact he could build a fire and the two of them could put together a decent shelter had won over the rest of the tribe. So he was just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
“I don’t understand,” Cas said, breaking the silence and interrupting Dean’s thoughts. “I thought humans voted on their political leaders, not on which other humans with whom they chose to reside.”
“Yeah, right. Maybe we would be better off if we shipped our politicians off to play this game,” Dean snorted. “But that is all this is, Cas. A game. And since it is the one your brother stuck us in, I would bet it is even more sick and twisted than usual. I have been keeping my eyes and ears open for anything weirder than what we are used to. I don’t know whether to hope for a typical show ‘twist’ where two people get voted off and we both can expect to go tonight and have your brother ship us off the Real Housewives of Orange County as cabana boys or whether he is going to split us up and put you on Ice Road Truckers and me on Project Runway.”
“Why would Gabriel split us up Dean?” Cas asked as he added more wood to the fire. “Nothing that we have been through has brought harm to us and we have been able to stay together so far. Besides, why do you think we are going to be the ones getting voted off tonight? That young man, Dave, does nothing but plant seeds of distrust among the other members of our group by complaining to everyone about all of our shortcomings. I have watched him do this on numerous occasions. He contributes nothing but discord to the group. Logic dictates that he should be the one that most members of our group would vote to remove from the habitat.”
Dean rolled his eyes as he answered his best friend. "First of all, there is nothing about this game that is logical. This game was made for people like Dave. He is just like your idiotic brother except without the wings and the fancy powers. He simply enjoys toying with people. I would bet you my last fake credit card he will walk away with all the money in the end," Dean retorted. “Second, we will be the ones getting voted off tonight because you fell face-first into Survivor Barbie during the immunity challenge which led to our tribe loosing. So despite the fact that you can build a fire like it's no one's business, these people don't take too kindly to losing and they are going to say sayonara to E.F. Hutton and his shadow at their first opportunity. And as far as you brother goes, why does he do any of the crap he does Cas? He is probably just getting his jollies off watching us struggle through his own personal obstacle course while he has Sam cornered and toying with him. So help me, when this is over, I am going to ring his scrawny little neck.”
“Dean, Gabriel does not have a scrawny little neck as you have described,” Cas said tilting his head as he regarded the hunter with curiosity. “That is just his vessel. In his true form, he is actually much bigger than even one of your-“
“Can it, Cas,” Dean interrupted. “If your douche bag brother is going to drop us in reality TV land hell, then at least let me live with the fantasy that I can put a stop to him somehow.”
~*~
The chief stood and made an announcement to the tribe. While Sam could not understand what he was saying, Gabriel’s eye grew wide as he heard what the man said. Suddenly the crowd rushed the two of them, as they picked them up and carried them across the clearing to another area several meters from where they had been before.
“What’s happening Gabriel? What are they doing?” Sam asked as fear crept into his voice.
“Well, I guess all that wrestling practice you got with Orville is going to come in handy,” the angel answered as they approached a large cage. “They want us to prove we are gods by having one of us tango with their pet gorilla, Agua here. You’ve got my vote of confidence kiddo. I will even take more photos to add to your collection.”
“Nu-huh. No way!” Sam protested shaking his head. “I have already done my fair share of animal herding on this mission. It’s your turn.”
“Sorry kiddo. No can do,” Gabriel said with a wink and a smile. “The higher ups in the tribe picked you for this one, not me. I had nothing to do with it. Maybe next time.”
“There isn’t going to be a next time,” Sam grumbled as one of the members of the tribe pushed him into the cage. Stumbling across the cage, Sam quickly regained his balance as he looked around. He began to circle the edge of the cage when he noticed the gorilla stalking him. “Gabriel…Gabriel, get me out of here,” Sam pleaded as the gorilla lunged for him and he dove to the side to avoid being grabbed by the mammal.
Sam scrambled to his feet and turned to face Agua while the angel was cheering him on from the outside of the cage. “Get him! You can do it! The kid’s got nothin’ but height on you,” Gabriel yelled.
Sam spun around and grabbed Gabriel by his shirt through bars. “I’m in this freaking cage because of you and you’re cheering for the gorilla?!” Sam screamed as he shook the angel.
But his rant was cut short when Agua grabbed him around his waist and threw him to the ground. Sam attempted to rollover to get up off the ground, but he wasn’t quick enough. Agua jumped and landed on top of the hunter, causing Sam to emit a groan. The younger man instinctively brought his hands up to his face in a protective gesture, but the gorilla grabbed Sam’s hands, pinning them to the ground. Agua then lowered his face until their lips met in a quick kiss.
“Blech,” Sam said shaking his head as he pushed Agau off with all the force he could muster and quickly moved to the side of the cage. He could hear Gabriel roaring with laughter and he shot the angel a deathly glare. “I’m done with this,” Sam declared. “Get me out of here…NOW!”
“Oh, Sammy,” Gabriel laughed breathlessly as he wiped the tears from his eyes before he snapped his fingers causing the lock on the cage to beak open. “Maybe if you didn’t wear your hair in your eyes, the gorilla wouldn’t think you were a girl!”
"It's not funny, Gabriel," Sam spat out as he pulled the angel away from the cage. The two found themselves surrounded by angry members of the tribe, disappointed that their guests were not the gods they thought they were. Each of them soon had a guard standing next to them so they couldn't escape the area. Noticing this Sam exclaimed, “Now get us both out of here, and in a way that doesn’t reinforce the idea that we are some sort of gods that deserve their worship!"
"Fine," Gabriel reluctantly agreed. "But you really are no fun at all, you know that? Just follow my lead, okay?" And Sam suddenly realized Gabriel had planted an image in his head of what he intended to do. The next thing he knew, Sam found himself playing patty-cake with an archangel in the middle of the jungle. After they both chanted "bake me a cake as fast as you can," instead of moving on to the motions and lyrics for "roll it, pat it and mark with a B", Sam and Gabriel each took a swing at their guards, knocking them in the jaw and bowling them over. The action surprised everyone so much, that Sam and Gabriel were able to make a run for it.
Pushing through the crowd, they were able to get out into the jungle before any of the other guards took off after them. Once Gabriel believed the two of them were far enough ahead of any of the tribe member's sight, he snapped them away to another part of the island.
"You know kiddo, it would of been a heck of a lot easier if you would have just let me do that back in front of Chief Talks-A-Lot and his pals," Gabriel snorted as he sat down under a palm tree. "He wouldn't be the first person to be overly impressed with the phenomenally cosmic powers my Dad gave me for situations like this."
"I don't think God gave you angelic powers so ordinary people would ending up worshiping the likes of you," Sam remarked as he joined Gabriel under the tree. "I thought you were supposed to be his Messenger, and ya' know, point people to Him, not towards you."
"Well, when you have such a winning personality like me, can you blame them?" he asked with his trademark smirk. "But you're probably right. My powers weren't really designed to make me look like a god, I just fashioned that trick later in life. They're more to help hapless folks who are in over the heads from say, I don't know, Japanese ghouls they can't kill."
“Wait? That was you that took care of the O-dokuro?” Sam asked incredulously. “Was that why the explosion flashed brighter than it should have?”
“Of course it was me,” Gabriel claimed. “Do you think that some lame sticky bomb that Dean-o came up was going to gank something as powerful as an O-dokuro? Terrible waste of Jell-O, too, if you ask me,” he added as he glanced at the hunter sideways. “Unless you’re going to tell me it was sugar-free, then I’ll let it slide.”
“I knew it!” Sam yelled, grabbing Gabriel by the shoulder. “You have been behind this the whole time. Is this just a game to you, playing with our lives? So where’s my brother? Where are Dean and Cas?”
“Hey! Watch the merchandise!” Gabriel said, shaking Sam off. “They’re fine. They’ve been fine the whole time. In fact, they are not too far from here right now.”
"Then we are going there now," Sam gritted out as he stood up and pulled the archangel with him. "And I will deal with the fact that you lied to me later. Lead the way."
"Fine," muttered Gabriel as he brushed himself off. He led Sam in the direction he knew their brothers to be and in a few minutes the trees gave way to the beach and Sam could clearly see both Dean and Cas sitting by a fire. Leaving the archangel behind he ran up to them.
"Dean," he gasped. "Are you okay? How long have you guys been out here? Did Gabriel do anything to you?"
Dean pulled Sammy into a hug. "Naw, we’re fine Sammy. Just another round of TV land, this time the reality TV hell version, that's all. I'm more worried about you. What did that freak do with you while he had us hidden away?"
"Sure, just go ahead and talk about me like I'm not here," Gabriel said as he sauntered in behind Sam. "None of you would be here now if it weren't for my ingenious plan."
"Ingenious plan?" Dean asked as he lunged at the archangel and grabbed him by the neck, strangling him with all of his might. "You stuck me on a reality game show that involved putting me on a plane to Tokyo, before I had to cook convenience store food for a bunch of snobs and then you stuck Cas and me here with a bunch of people whose idea of outwitting and outlasting is to act like you. God only knows what you did to Sammy while you were alone with him.”
Gabriel easily disappeared from Dean’s grasp and reappeared at Cas’ side, rubbing his throat. “Geesh, what have they been feeding you out here Dean-o? My Dad isn’t the only one that knows what Sammy and I did. There were witnesses,” the angel said as he waggled his eyebrows. “Especially if you count the octopus and the gorilla.”
“Why you little…” Dean yelled as he reached for Gabriel, only to be stopped by Cas.
“I don’t think Gabriel intended to harm any of us Dean,” Cas explained. “Perhaps we should let him explain.”
“Yeah, and if your worried about your brother’s virtue, I would be more concerned about the gorilla than little ole me,” Gabriel quipped as he smoothed his shirt down.
“I don’t even wanna know, do I?” Dean asked as he ran a hand over his face.
“No you don’t,” Sam answered. Turning to Gabriel he said, “You better start explaining, but keep it short.”
“Alright, I’ll admit that the grand scheme all along was to get you muttonheads to play your roles. I though it would be easier if I got Sammy all by his lonesome to say yes. But then I discovered that he had some nice jewelry that belonged to War, the kind that people like him don’t usually give up because it’s ‘my precious’. Except round these parts, there are four rings instead of one and instead of getting you a nice little rhyme and a vacation to Mt. Doom, they open the door to Luci’s Cage,” Gabriel explained. “Now you and Sammy have one of those keys. I have an inside source that will get us another one. That just leaves us two more to get on our own. We get all four and instead of you two becoming prom dresses, all we would have to do is shove my idiot brother back into the joint and no more Apocalypse.”
“Are you for real?” Dean asked incredulously. “We are just supposed to believe that you want us to form our own little fellowship of the rings to go off and search for another way to end this all? After everything you have done to us?”
“He’s not lying about the rings Dean,” Sam intervened. “The Four Horsemen; they each have one and I met Death. If we can get the others, he will give us his.”
“Yeah, Lucifer has him by the short and curlies so even he is looking for another way out of this mess,” Gabriel added.
“It is a plausible solution Dean,” Cas pointed out. “Though it will be difficult to track down Famine and Pestilence.”
“Fine, we'll do it,” Dean finally conceded after a moment’s consideration as he glanced at Gabriel. “I guess searching for rings is as good of a plan as any, especially since we are stuck with a fool of a Took over there.”
~*~
The rag tag group arrived back at the motel that Sam and Gabriel had left behind courtesy of a Trickster finger snap. As Sam began to gather his things, Dean confronted the archangel. "You stuck me in all of those crappy reality shows," Dean scowled at Gabriel. "Didn’t you once ever think about putting me on Rock of Love where I could hang out with someone other than a ‘win the prize money at all costs’ nut job?" The hunter began to day dream of hanging out with a rocker, giving him advice or even being a roadie until he was snapped back to reality when his brother accidently bumped into him.
Gabriel stared at Dean in mild shock before a wicked grin spread across his face. "You continue to surprise me, Dean-o. I didn't think you were so flexible. But yeah," the angel said thoughtfully as he stroked his chin and gave Dean a slow once over. "Re-shape the frame, add a little extra padding, grow out that dirty blonde hair, stick on a tramp stamp and I think Deanna Winchester would be ready to fight off those other crazy bitches for a chance at trailer park living with Poison's washed-up bad boy."
"I...uh...that's not…uh," Dean struggled to get the words out as the color drained from his face. Before he could pull himself together though he was thrown for another loop when Cas spoke up.
"What is a tramp stamp?" he asked, his blue eyes wide with curiosity.
"That bro, is a lesson for another day," Gabriel answered, slapping the younger angel on the back as he glanced at Dean with a smirk and Sam tried to suppress his laughter. As Sam gathered the last of his things, the group stepped out of the motel room and into the parking lot where the final reunion of the day took place.
“Oh my baby,” Dean purred as he ran his hand along the hood of the Impala. “You look good. Did Sammy take care of you?”
“Of course I did,” Sam said indignantly. “Does she look any worse for the wear?”
“Alright, move it along,” Gabriel snorted pushing past the two brothers. “You can continue your epic love story with an inanimate object another time; right now we have jewelry to track down.”
Dean snarled at the angel as the four of them piled into the Impala; Sam and Dean in the front, Gabriel and Cas in the back.
“Hey Dean-o, do you think you could find a find a radio station that plays Klingon opera music?” Gabriel asked as he tore open a package of Starbursts. “I’m in the mood for something ear shattering.”
“Yeah well, too bad,” Dean answered as he put the key in the ignition. “Because driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cakehole and the backseat passengers can take a flying leap into the pit if they don’t like it!”
As Dean started his car, he noticed a smear of peanut butter and chocolate on the steering wheeling while on the radio, a song that wasn’t the usual fare blasted loudly through the Impala’s speakers:
She knows her mind all right, your Auntie Grizelda,
She says she knows my kind, she might, maybe so.
Oh, yeah, she’s raised you right, your Auntie Grizelda,
You only know the things she wants you to know.
I know she’s having a fit,
She doesn’t like me a bit,
No bird of grace ever lit on Auntie Grizelda.
“Geesh Sammy!” Dean exclaimed as he turned off the radio. ”What have you been doing in my baby? Listening to outdated music like that and you don’t even like peanut butter cups.”
“I know, it’s a crying shame isn’t? Nothing I tried could get the kid to eat any,” Gabriel interrupted as he propped his feet on the back of the front seat. "But don't dis the music Dean-o, it's timeless. Might even open your eyes to a thing or two."
Dean whipped his head around to stare at the archangel before slowly turning on his brother. “You let that…that psychotic douche bag with wings drive my baby?!” Dean shrieked, the veins in his forehead throbbing as he grabbed Sam by the front of his shirt. “I am going to kill you!”
“Is that before or after we throw my brother back in the Cage? Because I am pretty sure Luci can bring him back if he needs him as, ya’ know a vessel or something,” Gabriel observed. Leaning over to Cas he whispered, “Not that I couldn’t bring the kid back myself but the look of terror on Sam’s face right now is priceless. I don’t think dear old Luci could scare him that badly.”
“Hey, he actually knows how to drive. I made sure of that before I gave him the keys,” Sam pleaded in self-defense. “No Impalas were harmed in the course of our mission to get to you.”
“There is peanut butter and chocolate on my steering wheel,” Dean said through gritted teeth. “What else did he do? You know, I'm not sure I even want to know the answer to that question.”
“Aw come on, now,” Gabriel shrugged as he let another candy wrapper flutter to the floor. “What’s done is done. Does that really matter as long as I cleaned it up?”
Dean let go of Sam, knocked Gabriel's feet off the back of the seat and shot them both death glares. Cas, who had been quietly observing this up until now finally said from the back seat, “If Gabriel was allowed to drive, I don’t understand why you will not teach me how to operate your vehicle Dean.”
“See what you started Sammy,” Dean seethed as he pulled out of the parking lot. “How is this my life?”
Bonus Feature