I Give Up.
The war is on over which down-and-out movie star will land the now
undeniable public relations expertise of Tom Cruise's former publicist,
Pat Kingsley. While she was already one of Hollywood's most powerful
and respected PR gurus, the excruciating meltdown of her former Top Gun
client now has Tinseltown's most washed-up stars beating down her door
with pleas to take over their tottering careers.
"I've been serenading Pat outside of her bedroom window every night for
the past two weeks," says Christian Slater, whose career is rapidly
descending into one whore-slapping coke bust after another. "Pat, if
you're listening, I'll do anything you say. I'm your puppet. You want
me to stop doing drugs; I'll stop doing drugs. You want me to start
doing more drugs; I'll start doing more drugs. Save me, Pat, save me."
But Christian Slater has plenty of equally desperate competition for
the services of Tom Cruise's erstwhile wonder publicist. Big names, or
perhaps former big names, such as Charlie Sheen, Robert Downey Jr. and
Tom Sizemore are among the many embattled actors frantically vying for
the talents of the woman who miraculously managed to hide the fact that
Tom Cruise is barking mad for 14 glorious years.
"Hell, if that broad can protect Tom Cruise from people finding out
he's batshit insane, then she can sure as hell find a way for me to
pass a piss test," said actor Tom Sizemore, whose crystal meth abuse
has derailed a once promising career of portraying a variety of
fearsome psychotics so dead-on that you'd almost think he was on
crystal meth or something.
"Look, nobody needs Pat Kingsley like I need Pat Kingsley," argues a
frazzled Charlie Sheen, whose boozing and whoring exploits long ago
outstripped his thespian achievements. "I mean I'm not going around
jumping on furniture or browbeating people with mental illnesses as if
I have a medical degree, but I do love hookers. God, do I love
hookers."
Yet despite the barrage of offers Cruise's former publicist is
receiving from Hollywood's legion of future B-movie staples, the former
PR flak has been dead silent. Perhaps reflecting on the irony of the
situation, the celebrity Svengali who once beat back hordes of
Tinseltown jackals is now fending off every has-been actor looking to
make a comeback.
"I don't want to seem desperate, but if Pat Kingsley doesn't take over
my career I'll kill myself; I'll do it," warned Paul Reubens, AKA Pee
Wee Herman. "Any day now I might start abusing myself outside of
preschools. For god's sake, Pat, help me. I used to be a star. I had my
own TV show. Kids worshipped me. Now thanks to that damn Megan's Law,
if I get within five feet of anyone under 14, I can legally be zapped
in the yarbles with a Taser."
"I'm not threatening Pat Kingsley or anything," said a disturbingly
twitchy Robert Blake, "but I think it would behoove her to become my
publicist. She can interpret that however she likes."
But actors are not the only potential clients pleading with the now
legendary celebrity spindoctor for assistance. Troubled singers Bobby
Brown and Courtney Love are also in the race.
"Yeah, I sometimes beat Whitney until her eyeballs bleed," admits Bobby
Brown, "but if Pat Kingsley could keep Tom Cruise out of a straitjacket
for that long, she can keep me out of an orange jumpsuit."
"I drove my rock icon husband to suicide and now millions of
unforgiving grungers wake up every morning and diligently pray with all
their disaffected hearts that today will be the day I suck on my last
crack pipe," confesses a bedraggled Courtney Love, "but if Pat Kingsley
could keep that preachy Scientology freak Tom Cruise from revealing
that he's like some spooky alien worshipper, then she can get my career
started again even though I'm being kept alive entirely by a mixture of
grain alcohol and CIA-grade crack."
Nevertheless, as truly pathetic as all of these fading celebrity
prostrations are, the one big name being bandied about most
conspicuously with regard to the services of Cruise's former publicist
is none other than America's number one celebrity freak show, Michael
Jackson. Though a Jackson spokesperson would neither confirm nor deny
the rumors about the recently exonerated King of Pop contracting the
master PR flak to resuscitate his plummeting career, an anonymous
senior Neverland official says that details are now being smoothed out.
"It's not official yet," says the anonymous Neverland insider, "but if
she could single-handedly prevent one of Hollywood's most powerful and
adored superstars from becoming an insufferably pompous zealot
hell-bent on wrecking his career, then maybe, just maybe, she can make
people forget about Michael's 87 plastic surgeries that have made him
look like a twisted muppet, that dangling a baby out of third-story
window incident, and the whole unfortunate molesting young boys
business. She's pretty much our only hope."
Yet for now there is only silence from Cruise's former publicist. Where
are you, Pat Kingsley? Todd Bridges needs you. Mickey Rourke is making
a comeback. Andrew Dice Clay is out there trying to stave off
obscurity. The cast of "The Breakfast Club" isn't getting any younger.
Diana Ross is wondering around drunk as a Welsh poet. Madonna is one
more horrible movie role away from being forcibly retired.
But if you cannot save all of these waning stars, Pat Kingsley, at
least cleanse Tom Cruise's vile body thetans before he goes on Larry
King. Or how about just give him some Ritalin?
undeniable public relations expertise of Tom Cruise's former publicist,
Pat Kingsley. While she was already one of Hollywood's most powerful
and respected PR gurus, the excruciating meltdown of her former Top Gun
client now has Tinseltown's most washed-up stars beating down her door
with pleas to take over their tottering careers.
"I've been serenading Pat outside of her bedroom window every night for
the past two weeks," says Christian Slater, whose career is rapidly
descending into one whore-slapping coke bust after another. "Pat, if
you're listening, I'll do anything you say. I'm your puppet. You want
me to stop doing drugs; I'll stop doing drugs. You want me to start
doing more drugs; I'll start doing more drugs. Save me, Pat, save me."
But Christian Slater has plenty of equally desperate competition for
the services of Tom Cruise's erstwhile wonder publicist. Big names, or
perhaps former big names, such as Charlie Sheen, Robert Downey Jr. and
Tom Sizemore are among the many embattled actors frantically vying for
the talents of the woman who miraculously managed to hide the fact that
Tom Cruise is barking mad for 14 glorious years.
"Hell, if that broad can protect Tom Cruise from people finding out
he's batshit insane, then she can sure as hell find a way for me to
pass a piss test," said actor Tom Sizemore, whose crystal meth abuse
has derailed a once promising career of portraying a variety of
fearsome psychotics so dead-on that you'd almost think he was on
crystal meth or something.
"Look, nobody needs Pat Kingsley like I need Pat Kingsley," argues a
frazzled Charlie Sheen, whose boozing and whoring exploits long ago
outstripped his thespian achievements. "I mean I'm not going around
jumping on furniture or browbeating people with mental illnesses as if
I have a medical degree, but I do love hookers. God, do I love
hookers."
Yet despite the barrage of offers Cruise's former publicist is
receiving from Hollywood's legion of future B-movie staples, the former
PR flak has been dead silent. Perhaps reflecting on the irony of the
situation, the celebrity Svengali who once beat back hordes of
Tinseltown jackals is now fending off every has-been actor looking to
make a comeback.
"I don't want to seem desperate, but if Pat Kingsley doesn't take over
my career I'll kill myself; I'll do it," warned Paul Reubens, AKA Pee
Wee Herman. "Any day now I might start abusing myself outside of
preschools. For god's sake, Pat, help me. I used to be a star. I had my
own TV show. Kids worshipped me. Now thanks to that damn Megan's Law,
if I get within five feet of anyone under 14, I can legally be zapped
in the yarbles with a Taser."
"I'm not threatening Pat Kingsley or anything," said a disturbingly
twitchy Robert Blake, "but I think it would behoove her to become my
publicist. She can interpret that however she likes."
But actors are not the only potential clients pleading with the now
legendary celebrity spindoctor for assistance. Troubled singers Bobby
Brown and Courtney Love are also in the race.
"Yeah, I sometimes beat Whitney until her eyeballs bleed," admits Bobby
Brown, "but if Pat Kingsley could keep Tom Cruise out of a straitjacket
for that long, she can keep me out of an orange jumpsuit."
"I drove my rock icon husband to suicide and now millions of
unforgiving grungers wake up every morning and diligently pray with all
their disaffected hearts that today will be the day I suck on my last
crack pipe," confesses a bedraggled Courtney Love, "but if Pat Kingsley
could keep that preachy Scientology freak Tom Cruise from revealing
that he's like some spooky alien worshipper, then she can get my career
started again even though I'm being kept alive entirely by a mixture of
grain alcohol and CIA-grade crack."
Nevertheless, as truly pathetic as all of these fading celebrity
prostrations are, the one big name being bandied about most
conspicuously with regard to the services of Cruise's former publicist
is none other than America's number one celebrity freak show, Michael
Jackson. Though a Jackson spokesperson would neither confirm nor deny
the rumors about the recently exonerated King of Pop contracting the
master PR flak to resuscitate his plummeting career, an anonymous
senior Neverland official says that details are now being smoothed out.
"It's not official yet," says the anonymous Neverland insider, "but if
she could single-handedly prevent one of Hollywood's most powerful and
adored superstars from becoming an insufferably pompous zealot
hell-bent on wrecking his career, then maybe, just maybe, she can make
people forget about Michael's 87 plastic surgeries that have made him
look like a twisted muppet, that dangling a baby out of third-story
window incident, and the whole unfortunate molesting young boys
business. She's pretty much our only hope."
Yet for now there is only silence from Cruise's former publicist. Where
are you, Pat Kingsley? Todd Bridges needs you. Mickey Rourke is making
a comeback. Andrew Dice Clay is out there trying to stave off
obscurity. The cast of "The Breakfast Club" isn't getting any younger.
Diana Ross is wondering around drunk as a Welsh poet. Madonna is one
more horrible movie role away from being forcibly retired.
But if you cannot save all of these waning stars, Pat Kingsley, at
least cleanse Tom Cruise's vile body thetans before he goes on Larry
King. Or how about just give him some Ritalin?