I hate the feeling of insecurity
Even after three weeks in Neuro, I still can't shake the feeling that one of my MOs has a prejudice against me.
Granted, we got off to a pretty bad bad start last month when I was on call with him, and made some fatal errors, like forgetting one of the drugs a patient was allergic to when I was writing them out in the IMR, and debating with a nurse whether or not a blood transfusion could be given to an immunocompromised patient with fever by covering the patient with panadol while I would return to culture the patient when I had time, and somehow conveying to him that I was trying to get out of doing the culture. I think that night he was convinced I was a horrible and unsafe HO, and of course I can't say it's no small part due to my own fault. He made several nasty comments that I shall not repeat here.
When I knew I was going to Neuro, I was kind of hoping I wouldn't be under him, but as luck would have it, I am. I met him in the lift once, a week before I changed posting to Neuro, and I told him I was going to be posted there. His response? "Don't worry, we will train you well." Maybe it's just my imagination, but there was a definite undertone to that statement that implied I required much training.
So now it's been three weeks. He's overall a nice person, though with very high standards to meet. He arrives at work at 7.10 or so every morning to update the list, while I arrive 15 to 20 minutes later. I would love to be the one doing the updating but I simply cannot get to SGH so early and I refuse to wake up any earlier than 5.30 and make my mom suffer for it. Somehow I keep detecting undertones to the things he says, I'm not sure if it's just my overactive imagination. When he asks me to do a blood culture for a patient he apologises and makes it seem as if he thinks he needs to apologise to me that he is asking me to do more work, as if I am getting annoyed by him putting work on me, as if I am a lazy person who really would rather not do an extra blood culture.
I don't know, maybe it's just the way he says things with his English accent and stilted phrasing, that makes his words seem like they conceal a multitude of hazardous undercurrents that I can only struggle to decipher, not even knowing if they are real or imagined. When he says something that seems like a compliment it's usually so hyperbolic it can only seem like a jibe of sorts, if you know what I mean.
Working under this kind of environment of insecurity wreaks havoc on my system. I am never idle because I feel I always need to prove that I am capable and deserving of trust, that I am a safe HO. It doesn't help that I make some inadvertent mistakes from time to time, and that my decisions are often questioned by my bosses even though they are logical decisions. I'm trying my darndest to reach the level he expects (I think that is a senior MO's level) and I sometimes feel I might be working myself too hard only to slam against an unyielding wall. 自讨没趣, as the Chinese say.
And now, the matter of my dad and my consultant giving me one day off from work. I hope this won't further affect my image in his mind because I don't want to seem like I'm so affected by my family matter I can't work.
Damn I'm really letting this get to me too much. I'm just so paranoid that all the MOs apparently exchange information about HOs and whether they're good or not based on their experiences with us during normal day work and during calls. I don't hope to be complimented or anything, because I'm actually quite blur and lousy at managing patients on call, but at least don't talk about me in a bad way. Bad things somehow stick forever and are very difficult to shake off. I just want to learn the right things to do and do them, and not kill anyone. Is it really that difficult to do that?
I cannot wait for the end of the month and a new department, even if it is Gastro hell. This stress is killing me. Gargh.