What aunt_zelda Thinks: The Stolen Earth (aka Badarse Whoverse Crossover Festapalooza)
Ok, here’s a question for you faithful readers.
Which is more annoying to be woken up by? A greyhound whining or a smoke-alarm that’s going off because of humidity?
Yeah, I can’t decide either.
Anyhoodle, this week I bestow THIS grain of wisdom: when you KNOW the upcoming episode is going to involve Billie Piper, do not begin watching The Secret Dairies of a Call Girl the day before you watch said episode. It messes with your mind severely, let me tell ya … though by the time I was about four minutes into the episode I’d forgotten completely about Belle du Jour.
Also, while I acknowledge and notice that Billie Piper is a very pretty girl (and you see QUITE a lot of her in ‘Diaries’ if you get my drift) I have found that I am not attracted to her like that. I felt NOTHING like when I look at That-Guy whilst watching Billie Piper parade about in lacy ‘knickers.’ Guess I’m not a lesbian or bi after all. *sigh*
Well, it is on that ‘happy’ (not the sarcasm) note that I begin this recap. *makes brave attempt at a smile*
(PJ-kun? You'd better not read this one until you've caught up.)
Watch and comment (the poor guy is hilarious and doesn't get nearly enough press) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXOsppjKcJ4
‘The Stolen Earth’ (aka ‘Badarse Whoverse Crossover Festapalooza.’)
The Doctor leaps out of the TARDIS into … some English suburbia where Harry Potter used to hang out in the summer. Donna follows, the Doctor is semi-flabbergasted that there aren’t dragon-vultures eating everything and/or a vampire-with-a-soul taking down a dragon. After learning that it is ‘Saturday’ from a local red-shirt … I mean, extra … the Doctor and Donna troop back inside the TARDIS. This means that they miss the earth-quake-type-thingy that goes on. Bottles of milk (they actually DO THAT in England?! That is so cute!) rattle in their crates, and a shingle falls from a house roof. I almost shrieked ‘Here come the drums!’ and did a little dance, before remembering that the Master is regrettably NOT in this episode.
Donna, displaying her lack-of-Companion-jealousy that I admire so VERY much, asks the Doctor if, despite the badness of reality crumbling, isn’t Rose coming back a really good thing? He looks up, grinz his signature grin, and says “Yeah.” He looks so genuinely HAPPY that I forget all about the lack-of-Mister-Master and beam at the world in general.
A rather large shudder rocks the TARDIS. The Doctor throws open the doors … and the Earth is gone. As in … GONE. There’s a few lonely asteroids floating about, that’s it.
*shivers*
Some white typewriter-print clacks across the black screen, telling us ‘Far Across the Universe …’
In New York (city? State? Be specific, Mr. Davies, we Americans are quick to anger!) Martha wakes up in a UNIT base. This isn’t a shock to her, it’s her job, I guess she got reassigned or something. Everyone is shaking off and trying to get emergency systems back on, and a woman with hair taller than S3-Martha’s pleads with Martha to look at the sky.
In Cardiff (SQUEE) Jack gets to his feet and wonders aloud if that was the Rift, (SQUEE) and races into the antechamber of the batcave Hub (SQUEE) to ask if Ianto’s ok. (SQUEE) Ianto says something funny about his dignity that I don’t quite catch. (SQUEE) Gwen says that the whole city, nay, the whole of SOUTH WALES must have felt the earth-quake-thingy. Oh, Gwen …
Jack goes off to check outside, Ianto pulls up the computer screen, it makes Torchwood-noises, and he says “Little bit bigger than South Wales …”
Zip to yet ANOTHER set in Cardiff, to the one and only SARAH-JANE SMITH! (SQUEEEEEEEE!)
Luke’s voice has broken, and he’s grown a bit, but that’s ok, because Mr. Smith still has his impressive-signature-music. SJS is the quickest to notice that it looks like night when it was 8:00 AM, because she isn’t in a UNIT bunker or a batcave, she’s in a kickass loft.
ZIP! Donna’s granddad (toting a cricket bat) says he’ll bet his pension it’s aliens making the sky dark. He yells threats at the ‘green slime’ and tells Donna’s mommy (Silvia) to go back inside, because the aliens “always want the women.” (Hey, ya never know, they could be PC-aliens from the 51st century, coming for women AND men!)
We zip backwards through everyone, who are all staring at the sky going ‘That’s impossible’ and other such sentiments. (FYI: Martha and UNIT are in New York city.) We finish with the milkman, who witnesses Rose materializing in the street, carrying a BIG ASS GUN. (A gun that even JAYNE would trade Vera for.) She says “Right, now we’re in trouble … it’s only just beginning.”
We finally get a look at the sky: it’s full of a bunch of planets I don’t recognize, one looks a bit like Malastar and ones looks like Magrathea, though …)
CREDITS! (And you all know I can’t spell to save my life, so I’m going to just type up their character’s name)
Ten
Donna
Martha
Capt. Jack Harkness
With the lovely, badarse, Sarah Jane Smith
And Rose
(And I can only say one thing to all of that: w00t!)
Donna is stunned, realizing that there’s a very good chance her mom and grandfather are dead because the Earth has no more sun.
Apparently if the sun went out right now (which it’s not going to for a badjillion years, but if it DID) we’d have about eight minutes to live. When we were discussing this in Astronomy class and people were discussing what they’d do in eight minutes, I glanced furtively over at That-Guy. I wouldn’t give a damn if he likes me or not, I’d snog him until we all froze to death.
Annnnnnnnnnnnnyway, the Doctor can’t find any trace, and says they need to get help. Donna is as confuzzled and shocked as I am. The Doctor says he’s taking her to ‘The Shadow Proclamation.’
OMFG!
American Newscaster Lady must have got wind of my comment from last week about how the only successful American with bad hair is Donald Trump, because she’s changed her hair. ’S not amazing, but it’s a start. There are TWENTY-SIX new planets in the sky, and the UN is urging the peoples of the world not to panic. The next channel has a serious-looking man saying that the planets didn’t come to THEM, Earth has traveled, because the stars are different, so basically he’s saying ‘duh’ in a very professional manner. The next channel has some British comedian petting a ?terrier? of some sort, asking if there was furniture polish in the drinks last night. This last bit greatly amuses Ianto (SQUEE.) Jack calls out that there’s a time and a place, and Ianto (SQUEE) apologizes but says “It’s funny, though.” (I wanna know what Eddie Izzard has to say about the whole shebang. ‘Oooooh, I’m covered in space bees!’ has been used up this season, I’m afraid …)
Gwen displays the required ‘heterosexual relationships are squee-worthy too!’ quota required for Torchwood by phoning Rhys. The TW trio look at the computer screen, unaware that this image will be used and captioned ‘The Team discovers OT3 fics that have popped up since Tosh and Owen died-died.’ The Trio, SJS (Luke checked in with Maria and Clive, they’re ok), and Martha’s UNIT detect Dalek mysterious ships in the middle of this solar system. Oh, apparently there’s this protective shell around the Earth, keeping the oxygen and heat in. Which just means the mysterious *cough* notice my sarcasm? *cough* beings wanna kill the humans slowly. Greaaaaaaaaaaat.
Martha tries to phone the Doctor, her commander is vaguely annoyed by this, and Martha can’t reach the Doctor. WHERE is the Brigadier? Shouldn’t HE be cameoing in this extravaganza with all the young upstarts as well?! (RTD, you really missed a fantastic opportunity for the older fans here.)
Rose walks up onto a city street, and it’s like Jericho: London Edition. She scares two would-be-looters off with her BIG ASS GUN and notices on a computer screen the MYSTERIOUS (oh, what the hell am I doing anymore, it’s the Daleks, ok?)
Martha phones Jack instead, (SQUEE) he calls her ‘voice of a Nightingale’ and asks if she the project she’s working on (Indigo) working. She’s floored that he knows about it, Jack says he met a solider in a bar. (SQUEE) Ianto’s head whips up and asks how long ago THAT was. (SQUEE) Jack says it was ‘strictly professional’ but I wouldn’t put it past him, even with the beautiful Ianto Jones (aka ‘Eye Candy’) on his arm …
Then something horrific happens. The message from the not-even-sarcastically-mysterious-anymore ships comes down to Earth. The message is one word. Well, one word, broken up phonetically.
Ex-ter-min-ate. Ex-ter-min-ate. Ex-ter-min-ate.
Over, and over, and over.
Jack says ‘no’ a couple of times, then hugs Ianto and Gwen close, kissing them both on the forehead. SJS begins to cry, but very stoically so. Jack says “There’s nothing I can do. I’m sorry … we’re dead.” SJS is full-blown crying now, hugging Luke and wailing that he’s so young, (really, he’s like, six months or something …) and even though I know it isn’t real, I’m shaking in my metaphorical boots. This is so chilling that I even considered putting on LITERAL boots to shake in.
Rose looks slightly conflicted, though I have to admit her forehead isn’t moving nearly as much as it should. *shrugs* You’re the ones who wanted Rose back, not me! I haven’t been ranting nearly as much as I could have, but you lot, who WANTED her back? I have no sympathy for your complaints about Billie Piper’s lisp, lack of mascara or ‘botoxed’ face. You wanted her, you got her. Shut up and watch the damn show.
*goes back to biting fingernails*
Rose walks out of the half-looted store, toting her BIG ASS GUN (which, I should point out, is so damn large that it requires a strap) and stares up at the sky briefly. Dalek ships (fantastic CGI work, BBC crew! <3 … what? Those guys never get enough love!) zoom across the sky. Rose strides down the street, not even FLINCHING when a beam of light creates a decent-sized explosion behind her. Badass.
We get inside a Dalek ship, and they wheel about, talking about how they’re at 90% efficiency and other disturbing junk.
Martha’s UNIT commander declares ‘ultimate code red.’ “Ladies and gentlemen, we are at war.”
Dude, this isn’t a WAR. This is beings CREATED to kill stepping on us like little kids stepping on ants. *hides*
And, sure enough, the UNIT bunker gets shot at. Nothing serious, it’s mild enough that the lights are half-out, but Martha can still manage to race to the window to stare in terror at the skies. At least with the Master you had the chance to REVERSE it all. This is just … awful. If we didn’t have all the crossovers going on I’d be pitching one HELL of a fit over here.
The Supreme Dalek (to newbies like me, this means its red and has more Cadillac plates on its sides) starts up the chant “Daleks are the masters of Earth!”
Back to the Doctor and Donna (remember them?) and Donna asking the time-honored question of what the Shadow Proclamation is. “Police. Posh word for police. Outer-space police.” the Doctor clarifies. Oh, I bet they’re gonna LOVE a Time Lord crashing into their ‘station.’ Like when the FBI takes over the local police operations …
This is also one of the more violent-TARDIS-rides this season.
The outer-space-police-station looks kinda like three hazelnut chocolate rochars joined together with two bridge-type-things.
The color-scheme of the towerson the rochar things reminds me that the Judoon are in this episode (what can I say, I’m a spoiler-whore sometimes) and as soon as the Doctor and Donna step outside the TARDIS into a white hallway, a ?battalion? of Judoon (only one of which has its face uncovered, of course) points guns at him. The Judoon speaks some … gibberish. Then the Doctor replies in the same sort of gibberish. Lots of ‘no row bow moe’ stuff, except loud and angry sounding. The Doctor must have answered right, because the Judoon put their guns down, and then we’re watching that odd-looking woman with white hair and black clothes from the promos blathering on about how Time Lords are the stuff of legends for advanced races, and how the Doctor can’t exist. Then she’s annoyed because it’s not just the Doctor’s reported missing planet, TWENTY-FOUR have vanished. He leaps over a footrest and demands to know which ones.
He and the white-haired woman stand in front of a computer that reminds me of a sewing-machine.
‘Woman Wept’ a planet the Doctor mentioned to … Rose I think, is gone. As is Clom. “Who’d want Clom?” the Doctor wants to know.
Donna remembers that when they were in Pompeii someone mentioned ‘Pyrovilian’ being gone, then recalls the Adipose breeding-planet. She also smart-mouths white-haired- RED-EYED lady. The Doctor fiddles with the sewing-machine-computer, remembering the lost moon of Poe, and suddenly there are 27 planet holograms floating about, that perfectly fit together, “like parts in an engine.”
Red-Eyed Lady asks who could design such a thing.
The Doctor remembers that “someone tried to move Earth one. A long time ago.” and mutters “it can’t be …”
Zip! The Daleks are anti-slash since people tried to slash the Doctor and Davros, so they blast the Valiant down. At TW, things are becoming rather stressed, reports of disaster ALL OVER. Daleks in Japan, and South Africa, and Manhattan (tee hee …) Jack phones Martha, who is trying to bandage someone’s forehead, and tells her to get out. She wants to stay, he says her base is next on the list, and her commander says they’re putting ‘Project Indigo’ into effect.
Jack pleads with Martha not do use Project Indigo, as it’s not safe or tested, Martha’s hesitant, her commander reminds her she takes orders from him, “not Torchwood.” Apparently Martha is their only hope of reaching the Doctor, and, barring that, he gives her some sort of disk-box that concerns “the future of the human race” that Martha at first says she can’t take.
Martha says goodbye to Jack, and pulls the back-pack thing, kinda like a parachute, just as Daleks enter.
Jack screams “NO!” then kicks his desk. He explains that Project Indigo is experimental teleport system salvaged from the Sontarans, but as they don’t have any coordinates, Martha is “down.” Ianto puts his hand over his mouth.
I think UNIT is fucking stupid. NO COORDINATES? You don’t turn on the GPS in your car and expect to be magically directed to safety!
On the Dalek ship, we finally hear Davros … put we only see his scaly-gauntleted-fingers. At least he’s not petting a cat. Anyhoodle, he asks if there’s news of ‘him’ and cautions the Supreme Dalek against pride when the SD says they’re beyond the Doctor’s reach. Then we see that Dalek Khan, the one who escaped the abysmal two-parter of last season, whose helmet is open and the squid inside is ‘insane.’ He says something about ‘the old man dancing through the lonely places’ or something, and that the Doctor’s coming, and laughs an insane laugh. Ewww.
Back to the Shadow Proclamation Rochar place. The Doctor musses up his hair, which is the silent way of telling us he’s thinking very hard. Donna sits on the stairs, and we begin to hear a … noise inside her head. It’s like a heart beating, or a basketball bouncing. I think it sounds like drums, but that’s just me and my inner-Master-fangirl’s wishful thinking.
A nice Red-Eyed Lady (different one from the first) offers Donna some purifying water. She notices ‘something’ on Donna’s back. (Again? Sweet Rassilon’s tonsils, what the blazes is going on?!) Nice-Red-Eyes says she’s sorry for Donna’s ‘loss.’ Donna mutters about her lost-planter, how it’s all gone, and Red-Eyes clarifies in an ominous whisper “I mean the loss that is yet to come.”
Oh no … this is beginning to scare me …
Nice-Red-Eyes whispers “God save you!” and scampers off.
The Doctor asks Donna if she remembers anything weird happening, she draws a blank, wiping her tears away, then remembers “the bees disappearing.” The Doctor repeats that, sounding kind of annoyed, then his voice goes to ‘aha!’ mode. The Doctor says that bees were “going home.”
“Are you sayin’ that bees are aliens?” Donna asks, aghast.
“Don’t be daft …” the Doctor retorts. “… not all of them.”
(AS IF I WASN’T SCARED OF THE LITTLE BUGGERS ENOUGH!)
The Doctor traces a wavelength that is so small no wonder they missed it. Apparently you can follow it. I wanna know who Tandoka was/is and if they’re gonna guest-star in an episode someday. The Doctor and Donna race back to the TARDIS, Donna yelping “We’ll find the Earth! We’ll stop talking and do it!”
The First-Red-Eyed Lady says by order of the Shadow Proclamation she’ll have to seize the Doctor’s TARDIS, because the planets were stolen with hostile intent and they’re declaring war across the universe. The Doctor pretends to go along with it, sounding so deflated that I actually believed him for a second. Then he mutters “I’ll just … go and get your key” and shuts the door, flinging his coat over a coral-piece (indicating he’ll be presumed-dead or something equally horrific soon) and races back to the console. He flashes Donna an insane grin before switches the TARDIS on.
Red-Eyes Lady screeches for him to stop, all in vain.
Back in Britain, Daleks are rounding up humans. One makes the mistake of saying “Resistance is useless.” One guy and his family rebel, go back in the house, and the dad throws a rock at the Dalek. The Daleks BLAST their house. It’s horrific.
Donna’s granddad has a paint-gun, cleverly noticing that the Daleks have only one ‘eye’ and he has a good chance of blinding them. These Daleks run too hot for that, though, because when he tries it on a lone Dalek it burns the paint off and says “My vision is NOT impaired.” It’s about to ex-ter-min-ate Donna’s granddad, but its head explodes, thanks to Rose and her BIG ASS GUN. Donna’s granddad (god love him) proposes a gun-trade. Rose identifies them as Donna’s family and says she needs them to find her girlfriend.
Granddad spills the beans about Donna’s Adventures in Time-and-Space to Donna’s mother, who is in a state of denial. Rose sighs that they were her last hope: if they can’t find Donna, they can’t find the Doctor. She grits “Where is he?!”
On the TARDIS, the TARDIS … stops. Dead in the water, so to speak. They’re at the ‘Medusa Cascades’ which rings a bell but I can’t place it in my mind. Apparently the Doctor came there when he was “… just a kid. Ninety-years old.” The 27 planets aren’t anywhere, the controls are dead, and it’s the end of the line. I don’t quite understand what’s going on, but Donna asks, terrified, what they’re going to do, and the Doctor just STANDS THERE. She says he never gives up, but tragic cowboy music has started to play, and eventually it gets to Donna, because she claps both hands over her mouth.
*blinkblink* I think I’m going to start crying now …
At the Hub (no more squeeing from my end, guys) Gwen stares at the TV as the UN surrenders to the Daleks. Ianto hears this and collapses into a chair. Jack is sitting down, leaning against the wall, looking even more tormented than usual.
SJS hugs Luke in her loft. I wish K-9 was there, not in the cupboard, keeping a black hole from eating the world.
Donna’s mommy and Granddad hug and cry on the couch, while Rose sits off in the background.
Then, something extraordinary happens.
Harriet Jones is broadcasting. First it’s scratchy and black and white. (For those of you wondering what my TV looks like when I try to watch Heroes without adjusting the antennae, this is a pretty good representation.) Jack says to leave it, and she snaps “Shame on you!” and demands he stand to attention. Then she gets color and holds up her ID, “Harriet Jones, former Prime Minister.” Despite all that happened, I have the sudden urge to punch the air.
Jack sighs. “Yes, I know who you are.”
Rose cries out “Harriet, it’s me!” but Harriet can’t hear her. She asks if Donna’s fam has a web-cam, but Granddad says Donna’s mommy won’t let him “She says they’re naughty.” Tee hee.
Rose tries vainly to get in touch, Harriet Jones gets SJS online, and boosts the signal, saying that the 4th contact is having trouble. Rose yelps “that’s me!” but it’s Martha. Rose asks “Who’s she?! I wanna get though!” *sporfles*
Martha used Indigo to get home, to her regally-kickass mother. *beams*
Jack does exactly what I thought he would: he flirts (carefully) with SJS. She seems flattered, unaware of how frakin’ HOT she is. Harriet Jones snorts that this isn’t the time, Capt. Jack, forgetting that, because they included Torchwood in the crossover, flirting is mandatory, if not vital, to the plot.
Harriet Jones is introducing everyone, and makes the mistake of saying that Martha is a ‘former Companion of the Doctor.’ Rose yelps “Oi! So was I!” and, seeing as she was Companion for TWO seasons and is now back, only SJS has seniority over her right now.
Blah blah, deposing, blah blah, stand-by-your-man actions, blah blah, Rose snapping that she was there first, gorramit!
*sporfles* Whilst plotting to use Mr. Smith and the Rift to send out the telephone number to the Doctor, Jack asks who ‘the kid’ is, meaning Luke. SJS says “That’s my son …” and Ianto shoves Jack out of the way, valiantly trying to keep the chanslash at bay.
With the signal boosted that much, the Daleks will notice it and trace it back to Harriet Jones. She says her life doesn’t matter. Jack salutes her.
Then there’s lots of running about, clicking of keys, and plugging in of cables follows, to very intense music.
The signal (a bunch of white-blue circles going out into space) pulses out.
The phone rings, the Doctor uses his stethoscope to follow the signal. YAY! SQUEE! AND OTHER SUCH SENTIMENTS BESIDES!
The Daleks hear the signal.
Davros (and his creepy, but intriguing-sounding theme music) says that “Just as Dalek Khan foretold: the children of time are moving against us. But everything is falling into place.” I HATE IT when bee-runs say that kind of thing!
Lots of explosions take place. Flames shoot up around the TARDIS console.
Harriet Jones transfers the sub-network to TW, then stands up, says who she is (the Daleks say they know who she is) and she dies a badass death. *huggles her*
The 27 planets were hidden a second out of sync with the rest of the universe. Clever, that, if I understood at all.
The Doctor FOUND EARTH! Yay, now the Cylons can give it a rest and the Battlestars can land!
He takes over Harriet’s place on the screen, and Jack snaps “Where the hell have you been?!” like a jilted lover.
Gwen mutters that the Doctor “looks nice, I though he’d be older.” Ianto mutters “He’s not that young.” Is our-favorite-tea-boy interested in the Doctor? Oh, Jack, the threesome fics that will spawn from this …
More introductions and inner-sanctum squees happen, Rose looking on with longing. When Donna asks about Capt. Jack the Doctor says “Don’t. Just … don’t.” Tee hee, I’d LOVE to see Jack and Donna interact! (“Hello there!” “Back off, spaceman, I don’t care how cute you are …” *snog*)
Donna says “It’s like an outer-space Facebook.” Tee hee … the Doctor is sad that Rose isn’t there. Rose looks sad that she can see him and he can’t see her. A version of the TARDIS-song flickers in.
Davros says he wants in on this sub-network, and suddenly the screen goes grainy again. The Doctor says someone else is trying to get through and yelps “Rose?!”
The Voice of Davros says “Your voice is different, and yet it’s arrogance is unchanged.”
SJS whispers “no … but he’s dead.” She looks like she’s gonna cry all over again. Poor SJS … she’s badass and badarse against EVERYTHING … but this is destroying her.
And we finally get to see Davros. He looks … gross: little humanoid man with saggy gray-brown skin, some sort of metal headband thingy, and a blue light in his forehead like a Dalek’s. Weriiiiiiiiiid …
“Welcome. To my new empire. Doctor.” Davros says, with a disgusting little grin. (It’s always the LITTLE men, isn’t it? Rassilon’s hat stand, if men weren’t ruled by their … ah, sorry, got carried away there, back to the show!)
The Doctor is shocked, looking terrified and horrified. Donna says they’re safe, they’re in the TARDIS, but he can’t hear her. He says he tried to save Davros during the Time War (?????!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!??!)
Apparently Dalek Khan, using emergency temporal shift took him back to the Time War, despite it being Time-Locked. It cost Dalek Khan his mind (not that there was much there, so one has to wonder what that’d do to, oh, say, THE DOCTOR …)
Davros ‘gave himself’ to the new Daleks. Literally. He flashes the Doctor pulls open his shirt, showing ribs and yicky yellowish-gray flesh and … just … eeeeeew! (Uncalled for, Mr. Davies, uncalled for!)
“I have my children, Doctor. What do you have? Now?” Davros asks.
This would be the opportune moment for Jenny to pull a Han-Solo and careen into the crossover, but something just as good, if not better, happens.
The Doctor says “After all this time. Everything we saw, everything we lost,” his voice gets really ragged at ‘lost’ … “I have only one thing to say to you …”
He looks half ready to burst into tears or say ‘I forgive you’ or blow up the Dalek fleet using only mind-bullets.
Instead he finishes “Bye!”
Bahahahhhahahahahahaa!
The Supreme Dalek orders the other Daleks to locate the TARDIS. Davros tells them to go and locate the Doctor’s ‘precious human allies.’ Dalek Khan rambles about ‘everlasting death for the most faithful companions.’
They’ve located the sub-network: at Torchwood.
“Ex-ter-min-ate Torchwood!” Big D roars, unaware that fangirls everywhere will break down the fourth-wall using only our minds and stop them from ever doing such a dreadful, despicable thing.
Ianto helps Jack into His Coat: SQUEEEEEEEEE!
Jack teleports out (with a BIG ASS GUN of his own) to find the Doctor, promising he’ll be back. Gwen says not to worry about them, Ianto looks a little worried, but he and Jack didn’t snog and cause fangirl nosebleeds, so he, at least, will live.
SJS puts on her own coat because she has no tea-boy (or girl, seeing as I get these ridiculous femmeslash-vibes from SJS and other female characters - not Maria, though, you sickos! - whenever I try to watch the Sarah Jane Adventures …) to assist her. She tells Luke she loves him, and Mr. Smith promises to look after Luke, and SJS rushes out in her cute little car.
I’m worried about her fate in all of this.
Rose grins and Donna’s mom and granddad wish her luck, looking kinda intimidated after Rose teleports (rather flashily) away.
The Doctor and Donna get out of the TARDIS into a deserted street, and the Doctor asks Donna if Rose said anything else besides “the Darkness is coming.” Donna says “Why don’t you ask her yourself?”
The Doctor turns, and there’s Rose, at the other end of the street. They wait a few seconds, then start running for each other. There’s slow, sad, plinky music, and not too long into the bit I think ‘He’s gonna get shot. He’s gonna get shot!’ because sometimes you can’t avoid comments at the bottom of the screen. Thank god they were vague, but still …
Yeah, the Doctor gets a glancing blow from a Dalek beam (his skeleton doesn’t show, but there’s light and a yelp and he falls.) What gets me is that he looked so … happy … and all of the sudden his face fell and the Dalek tried to ex-ter-min-ate him. His former salvation led him to his death. (I’m not bashing Rose, or the Doctor, or anything, but still, running along a dark street without looking around for hidden Daleks? *headdesk* I don’t care if it’s twu luv and Rose is gonna have the Doctor’s Tiembebbies, her arrival is no cause for stupidity in a hostile environment FULL of Daleks.)
Jack materializes quick enough to blast the Dalek responsible for the blasting, and Rose and the Doctor exchange brave words. With Donna, Rose heaves the Doctor into the TARDIS, Jack hefting both BIG ASS GUNS and glancing left and right.
Back at the Hub, Gwen has found some … well, they’re not BIG ASS GUNS, but they’re not pea-shooters either. Ianto says they don’t work against Daleks, but Gwen insists she’s going down fighting. “Like Owen, like Tosh.” *wibbles* Ianto accepts a gun.
Back in the TARDIS, Jack is the only one taking things calmly. Rose is wailing that she came all this way and Donna hasn’t had the whole regeneration thing explained to her. The Doctor’s hands start to glow.
(Signed on through 2010 my ass!)
SJS almost runs over two Daleks. They say all ‘human transport’ is forbidden. SJS apologizes and surrenders, but they say they don’t accept apologies and she will be ex-ter-min-ate-ed.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! *shrieks, flails, kicks things* YOU MUST NOT HARM SARAH JANE SMITH! *pulls a Dobby and flings self in front of the car*
A Dalek makes it into the Hub. Gwen and Ianto start shooting, Gwen making ‘terrified-but-hell-if-I’m-dying-without-a-fight’ noises.
Jack pulls Rose back, and wishes the Doctor luck. Rose explains the whole regeneration thing to Donna, then wails “But you can’t!” to the Doctor.
The Doctor heaves himself up against the console. “I’m sorry …” he says. “It’s too late ... I’m regenerating …”
And then he stands up, throws back his head, and orangey-yellow beams of light shoot out of his sleeves and around his head. You know the drill, people.
Of course, when he actually stood up and it HAPPENED, I screamed into my hands and spent the next five minutes making ‘habubuwhuwhuh???!?!?!?!?!??’ noises and waving my hands around in desperation.
It might take a while for me to regain the ability of human speech …
We get ‘To Be Continued’ in zooming letters instead of a trailer for next week. That’s because a trailer would totally give away if Ten actually regenerates into Eleven, or if someone rewinds time so that none of this happens at all, or if it was all a dream the Doctor had whilst snuggled up in bed next to the Master last year.
NEXT WEEK: Eleven? Maybe? I dunno … (someone HOLD ME! *hugs knees to chest*)
Which is more annoying to be woken up by? A greyhound whining or a smoke-alarm that’s going off because of humidity?
Yeah, I can’t decide either.
Anyhoodle, this week I bestow THIS grain of wisdom: when you KNOW the upcoming episode is going to involve Billie Piper, do not begin watching The Secret Dairies of a Call Girl the day before you watch said episode. It messes with your mind severely, let me tell ya … though by the time I was about four minutes into the episode I’d forgotten completely about Belle du Jour.
Also, while I acknowledge and notice that Billie Piper is a very pretty girl (and you see QUITE a lot of her in ‘Diaries’ if you get my drift) I have found that I am not attracted to her like that. I felt NOTHING like when I look at That-Guy whilst watching Billie Piper parade about in lacy ‘knickers.’ Guess I’m not a lesbian or bi after all. *sigh*
Well, it is on that ‘happy’ (not the sarcasm) note that I begin this recap. *makes brave attempt at a smile*
(PJ-kun? You'd better not read this one until you've caught up.)
Watch and comment (the poor guy is hilarious and doesn't get nearly enough press) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXOsppjKcJ4
‘The Stolen Earth’ (aka ‘Badarse Whoverse Crossover Festapalooza.’)
The Doctor leaps out of the TARDIS into … some English suburbia where Harry Potter used to hang out in the summer. Donna follows, the Doctor is semi-flabbergasted that there aren’t dragon-vultures eating everything and/or a vampire-with-a-soul taking down a dragon. After learning that it is ‘Saturday’ from a local red-shirt … I mean, extra … the Doctor and Donna troop back inside the TARDIS. This means that they miss the earth-quake-type-thingy that goes on. Bottles of milk (they actually DO THAT in England?! That is so cute!) rattle in their crates, and a shingle falls from a house roof. I almost shrieked ‘Here come the drums!’ and did a little dance, before remembering that the Master is regrettably NOT in this episode.
Donna, displaying her lack-of-Companion-jealousy that I admire so VERY much, asks the Doctor if, despite the badness of reality crumbling, isn’t Rose coming back a really good thing? He looks up, grinz his signature grin, and says “Yeah.” He looks so genuinely HAPPY that I forget all about the lack-of-Mister-Master and beam at the world in general.
A rather large shudder rocks the TARDIS. The Doctor throws open the doors … and the Earth is gone. As in … GONE. There’s a few lonely asteroids floating about, that’s it.
*shivers*
Some white typewriter-print clacks across the black screen, telling us ‘Far Across the Universe …’
In New York (city? State? Be specific, Mr. Davies, we Americans are quick to anger!) Martha wakes up in a UNIT base. This isn’t a shock to her, it’s her job, I guess she got reassigned or something. Everyone is shaking off and trying to get emergency systems back on, and a woman with hair taller than S3-Martha’s pleads with Martha to look at the sky.
In Cardiff (SQUEE) Jack gets to his feet and wonders aloud if that was the Rift, (SQUEE) and races into the antechamber of the batcave Hub (SQUEE) to ask if Ianto’s ok. (SQUEE) Ianto says something funny about his dignity that I don’t quite catch. (SQUEE) Gwen says that the whole city, nay, the whole of SOUTH WALES must have felt the earth-quake-thingy. Oh, Gwen …
Jack goes off to check outside, Ianto pulls up the computer screen, it makes Torchwood-noises, and he says “Little bit bigger than South Wales …”
Zip to yet ANOTHER set in Cardiff, to the one and only SARAH-JANE SMITH! (SQUEEEEEEEE!)
Luke’s voice has broken, and he’s grown a bit, but that’s ok, because Mr. Smith still has his impressive-signature-music. SJS is the quickest to notice that it looks like night when it was 8:00 AM, because she isn’t in a UNIT bunker or a batcave, she’s in a kickass loft.
ZIP! Donna’s granddad (toting a cricket bat) says he’ll bet his pension it’s aliens making the sky dark. He yells threats at the ‘green slime’ and tells Donna’s mommy (Silvia) to go back inside, because the aliens “always want the women.” (Hey, ya never know, they could be PC-aliens from the 51st century, coming for women AND men!)
We zip backwards through everyone, who are all staring at the sky going ‘That’s impossible’ and other such sentiments. (FYI: Martha and UNIT are in New York city.) We finish with the milkman, who witnesses Rose materializing in the street, carrying a BIG ASS GUN. (A gun that even JAYNE would trade Vera for.) She says “Right, now we’re in trouble … it’s only just beginning.”
We finally get a look at the sky: it’s full of a bunch of planets I don’t recognize, one looks a bit like Malastar and ones looks like Magrathea, though …)
CREDITS! (And you all know I can’t spell to save my life, so I’m going to just type up their character’s name)
Ten
Donna
Martha
Capt. Jack Harkness
With the lovely, badarse, Sarah Jane Smith
And Rose
(And I can only say one thing to all of that: w00t!)
Donna is stunned, realizing that there’s a very good chance her mom and grandfather are dead because the Earth has no more sun.
Apparently if the sun went out right now (which it’s not going to for a badjillion years, but if it DID) we’d have about eight minutes to live. When we were discussing this in Astronomy class and people were discussing what they’d do in eight minutes, I glanced furtively over at That-Guy. I wouldn’t give a damn if he likes me or not, I’d snog him until we all froze to death.
Annnnnnnnnnnnnyway, the Doctor can’t find any trace, and says they need to get help. Donna is as confuzzled and shocked as I am. The Doctor says he’s taking her to ‘The Shadow Proclamation.’
OMFG!
American Newscaster Lady must have got wind of my comment from last week about how the only successful American with bad hair is Donald Trump, because she’s changed her hair. ’S not amazing, but it’s a start. There are TWENTY-SIX new planets in the sky, and the UN is urging the peoples of the world not to panic. The next channel has a serious-looking man saying that the planets didn’t come to THEM, Earth has traveled, because the stars are different, so basically he’s saying ‘duh’ in a very professional manner. The next channel has some British comedian petting a ?terrier? of some sort, asking if there was furniture polish in the drinks last night. This last bit greatly amuses Ianto (SQUEE.) Jack calls out that there’s a time and a place, and Ianto (SQUEE) apologizes but says “It’s funny, though.” (I wanna know what Eddie Izzard has to say about the whole shebang. ‘Oooooh, I’m covered in space bees!’ has been used up this season, I’m afraid …)
Gwen displays the required ‘heterosexual relationships are squee-worthy too!’ quota required for Torchwood by phoning Rhys. The TW trio look at the computer screen, unaware that this image will be used and captioned ‘The Team discovers OT3 fics that have popped up since Tosh and Owen died-died.’ The Trio, SJS (Luke checked in with Maria and Clive, they’re ok), and Martha’s UNIT detect Dalek mysterious ships in the middle of this solar system. Oh, apparently there’s this protective shell around the Earth, keeping the oxygen and heat in. Which just means the mysterious *cough* notice my sarcasm? *cough* beings wanna kill the humans slowly. Greaaaaaaaaaaat.
Martha tries to phone the Doctor, her commander is vaguely annoyed by this, and Martha can’t reach the Doctor. WHERE is the Brigadier? Shouldn’t HE be cameoing in this extravaganza with all the young upstarts as well?! (RTD, you really missed a fantastic opportunity for the older fans here.)
Rose walks up onto a city street, and it’s like Jericho: London Edition. She scares two would-be-looters off with her BIG ASS GUN and notices on a computer screen the MYSTERIOUS (oh, what the hell am I doing anymore, it’s the Daleks, ok?)
Martha phones Jack instead, (SQUEE) he calls her ‘voice of a Nightingale’ and asks if she the project she’s working on (Indigo) working. She’s floored that he knows about it, Jack says he met a solider in a bar. (SQUEE) Ianto’s head whips up and asks how long ago THAT was. (SQUEE) Jack says it was ‘strictly professional’ but I wouldn’t put it past him, even with the beautiful Ianto Jones (aka ‘Eye Candy’) on his arm …
Then something horrific happens. The message from the not-even-sarcastically-mysterious-anymore ships comes down to Earth. The message is one word. Well, one word, broken up phonetically.
Ex-ter-min-ate. Ex-ter-min-ate. Ex-ter-min-ate.
Over, and over, and over.
Jack says ‘no’ a couple of times, then hugs Ianto and Gwen close, kissing them both on the forehead. SJS begins to cry, but very stoically so. Jack says “There’s nothing I can do. I’m sorry … we’re dead.” SJS is full-blown crying now, hugging Luke and wailing that he’s so young, (really, he’s like, six months or something …) and even though I know it isn’t real, I’m shaking in my metaphorical boots. This is so chilling that I even considered putting on LITERAL boots to shake in.
Rose looks slightly conflicted, though I have to admit her forehead isn’t moving nearly as much as it should. *shrugs* You’re the ones who wanted Rose back, not me! I haven’t been ranting nearly as much as I could have, but you lot, who WANTED her back? I have no sympathy for your complaints about Billie Piper’s lisp, lack of mascara or ‘botoxed’ face. You wanted her, you got her. Shut up and watch the damn show.
*goes back to biting fingernails*
Rose walks out of the half-looted store, toting her BIG ASS GUN (which, I should point out, is so damn large that it requires a strap) and stares up at the sky briefly. Dalek ships (fantastic CGI work, BBC crew! <3 … what? Those guys never get enough love!) zoom across the sky. Rose strides down the street, not even FLINCHING when a beam of light creates a decent-sized explosion behind her. Badass.
We get inside a Dalek ship, and they wheel about, talking about how they’re at 90% efficiency and other disturbing junk.
Martha’s UNIT commander declares ‘ultimate code red.’ “Ladies and gentlemen, we are at war.”
Dude, this isn’t a WAR. This is beings CREATED to kill stepping on us like little kids stepping on ants. *hides*
And, sure enough, the UNIT bunker gets shot at. Nothing serious, it’s mild enough that the lights are half-out, but Martha can still manage to race to the window to stare in terror at the skies. At least with the Master you had the chance to REVERSE it all. This is just … awful. If we didn’t have all the crossovers going on I’d be pitching one HELL of a fit over here.
The Supreme Dalek (to newbies like me, this means its red and has more Cadillac plates on its sides) starts up the chant “Daleks are the masters of Earth!”
Back to the Doctor and Donna (remember them?) and Donna asking the time-honored question of what the Shadow Proclamation is. “Police. Posh word for police. Outer-space police.” the Doctor clarifies. Oh, I bet they’re gonna LOVE a Time Lord crashing into their ‘station.’ Like when the FBI takes over the local police operations …
This is also one of the more violent-TARDIS-rides this season.
The outer-space-police-station looks kinda like three hazelnut chocolate rochars joined together with two bridge-type-things.
The color-scheme of the towerson the rochar things reminds me that the Judoon are in this episode (what can I say, I’m a spoiler-whore sometimes) and as soon as the Doctor and Donna step outside the TARDIS into a white hallway, a ?battalion? of Judoon (only one of which has its face uncovered, of course) points guns at him. The Judoon speaks some … gibberish. Then the Doctor replies in the same sort of gibberish. Lots of ‘no row bow moe’ stuff, except loud and angry sounding. The Doctor must have answered right, because the Judoon put their guns down, and then we’re watching that odd-looking woman with white hair and black clothes from the promos blathering on about how Time Lords are the stuff of legends for advanced races, and how the Doctor can’t exist. Then she’s annoyed because it’s not just the Doctor’s reported missing planet, TWENTY-FOUR have vanished. He leaps over a footrest and demands to know which ones.
He and the white-haired woman stand in front of a computer that reminds me of a sewing-machine.
‘Woman Wept’ a planet the Doctor mentioned to … Rose I think, is gone. As is Clom. “Who’d want Clom?” the Doctor wants to know.
Donna remembers that when they were in Pompeii someone mentioned ‘Pyrovilian’ being gone, then recalls the Adipose breeding-planet. She also smart-mouths white-haired- RED-EYED lady. The Doctor fiddles with the sewing-machine-computer, remembering the lost moon of Poe, and suddenly there are 27 planet holograms floating about, that perfectly fit together, “like parts in an engine.”
Red-Eyed Lady asks who could design such a thing.
The Doctor remembers that “someone tried to move Earth one. A long time ago.” and mutters “it can’t be …”
Zip! The Daleks are anti-slash since people tried to slash the Doctor and Davros, so they blast the Valiant down. At TW, things are becoming rather stressed, reports of disaster ALL OVER. Daleks in Japan, and South Africa, and Manhattan (tee hee …) Jack phones Martha, who is trying to bandage someone’s forehead, and tells her to get out. She wants to stay, he says her base is next on the list, and her commander says they’re putting ‘Project Indigo’ into effect.
Jack pleads with Martha not do use Project Indigo, as it’s not safe or tested, Martha’s hesitant, her commander reminds her she takes orders from him, “not Torchwood.” Apparently Martha is their only hope of reaching the Doctor, and, barring that, he gives her some sort of disk-box that concerns “the future of the human race” that Martha at first says she can’t take.
Martha says goodbye to Jack, and pulls the back-pack thing, kinda like a parachute, just as Daleks enter.
Jack screams “NO!” then kicks his desk. He explains that Project Indigo is experimental teleport system salvaged from the Sontarans, but as they don’t have any coordinates, Martha is “down.” Ianto puts his hand over his mouth.
I think UNIT is fucking stupid. NO COORDINATES? You don’t turn on the GPS in your car and expect to be magically directed to safety!
On the Dalek ship, we finally hear Davros … put we only see his scaly-gauntleted-fingers. At least he’s not petting a cat. Anyhoodle, he asks if there’s news of ‘him’ and cautions the Supreme Dalek against pride when the SD says they’re beyond the Doctor’s reach. Then we see that Dalek Khan, the one who escaped the abysmal two-parter of last season, whose helmet is open and the squid inside is ‘insane.’ He says something about ‘the old man dancing through the lonely places’ or something, and that the Doctor’s coming, and laughs an insane laugh. Ewww.
Back to the Shadow Proclamation Rochar place. The Doctor musses up his hair, which is the silent way of telling us he’s thinking very hard. Donna sits on the stairs, and we begin to hear a … noise inside her head. It’s like a heart beating, or a basketball bouncing. I think it sounds like drums, but that’s just me and my inner-Master-fangirl’s wishful thinking.
A nice Red-Eyed Lady (different one from the first) offers Donna some purifying water. She notices ‘something’ on Donna’s back. (Again? Sweet Rassilon’s tonsils, what the blazes is going on?!) Nice-Red-Eyes says she’s sorry for Donna’s ‘loss.’ Donna mutters about her lost-planter, how it’s all gone, and Red-Eyes clarifies in an ominous whisper “I mean the loss that is yet to come.”
Oh no … this is beginning to scare me …
Nice-Red-Eyes whispers “God save you!” and scampers off.
The Doctor asks Donna if she remembers anything weird happening, she draws a blank, wiping her tears away, then remembers “the bees disappearing.” The Doctor repeats that, sounding kind of annoyed, then his voice goes to ‘aha!’ mode. The Doctor says that bees were “going home.”
“Are you sayin’ that bees are aliens?” Donna asks, aghast.
“Don’t be daft …” the Doctor retorts. “… not all of them.”
(AS IF I WASN’T SCARED OF THE LITTLE BUGGERS ENOUGH!)
The Doctor traces a wavelength that is so small no wonder they missed it. Apparently you can follow it. I wanna know who Tandoka was/is and if they’re gonna guest-star in an episode someday. The Doctor and Donna race back to the TARDIS, Donna yelping “We’ll find the Earth! We’ll stop talking and do it!”
The First-Red-Eyed Lady says by order of the Shadow Proclamation she’ll have to seize the Doctor’s TARDIS, because the planets were stolen with hostile intent and they’re declaring war across the universe. The Doctor pretends to go along with it, sounding so deflated that I actually believed him for a second. Then he mutters “I’ll just … go and get your key” and shuts the door, flinging his coat over a coral-piece (indicating he’ll be presumed-dead or something equally horrific soon) and races back to the console. He flashes Donna an insane grin before switches the TARDIS on.
Red-Eyes Lady screeches for him to stop, all in vain.
Back in Britain, Daleks are rounding up humans. One makes the mistake of saying “Resistance is useless.” One guy and his family rebel, go back in the house, and the dad throws a rock at the Dalek. The Daleks BLAST their house. It’s horrific.
Donna’s granddad has a paint-gun, cleverly noticing that the Daleks have only one ‘eye’ and he has a good chance of blinding them. These Daleks run too hot for that, though, because when he tries it on a lone Dalek it burns the paint off and says “My vision is NOT impaired.” It’s about to ex-ter-min-ate Donna’s granddad, but its head explodes, thanks to Rose and her BIG ASS GUN. Donna’s granddad (god love him) proposes a gun-trade. Rose identifies them as Donna’s family and says she needs them to find her girlfriend.
Granddad spills the beans about Donna’s Adventures in Time-and-Space to Donna’s mother, who is in a state of denial. Rose sighs that they were her last hope: if they can’t find Donna, they can’t find the Doctor. She grits “Where is he?!”
On the TARDIS, the TARDIS … stops. Dead in the water, so to speak. They’re at the ‘Medusa Cascades’ which rings a bell but I can’t place it in my mind. Apparently the Doctor came there when he was “… just a kid. Ninety-years old.” The 27 planets aren’t anywhere, the controls are dead, and it’s the end of the line. I don’t quite understand what’s going on, but Donna asks, terrified, what they’re going to do, and the Doctor just STANDS THERE. She says he never gives up, but tragic cowboy music has started to play, and eventually it gets to Donna, because she claps both hands over her mouth.
*blinkblink* I think I’m going to start crying now …
At the Hub (no more squeeing from my end, guys) Gwen stares at the TV as the UN surrenders to the Daleks. Ianto hears this and collapses into a chair. Jack is sitting down, leaning against the wall, looking even more tormented than usual.
SJS hugs Luke in her loft. I wish K-9 was there, not in the cupboard, keeping a black hole from eating the world.
Donna’s mommy and Granddad hug and cry on the couch, while Rose sits off in the background.
Then, something extraordinary happens.
Harriet Jones is broadcasting. First it’s scratchy and black and white. (For those of you wondering what my TV looks like when I try to watch Heroes without adjusting the antennae, this is a pretty good representation.) Jack says to leave it, and she snaps “Shame on you!” and demands he stand to attention. Then she gets color and holds up her ID, “Harriet Jones, former Prime Minister.” Despite all that happened, I have the sudden urge to punch the air.
Jack sighs. “Yes, I know who you are.”
Rose cries out “Harriet, it’s me!” but Harriet can’t hear her. She asks if Donna’s fam has a web-cam, but Granddad says Donna’s mommy won’t let him “She says they’re naughty.” Tee hee.
Rose tries vainly to get in touch, Harriet Jones gets SJS online, and boosts the signal, saying that the 4th contact is having trouble. Rose yelps “that’s me!” but it’s Martha. Rose asks “Who’s she?! I wanna get though!” *sporfles*
Martha used Indigo to get home, to her regally-kickass mother. *beams*
Jack does exactly what I thought he would: he flirts (carefully) with SJS. She seems flattered, unaware of how frakin’ HOT she is. Harriet Jones snorts that this isn’t the time, Capt. Jack, forgetting that, because they included Torchwood in the crossover, flirting is mandatory, if not vital, to the plot.
Harriet Jones is introducing everyone, and makes the mistake of saying that Martha is a ‘former Companion of the Doctor.’ Rose yelps “Oi! So was I!” and, seeing as she was Companion for TWO seasons and is now back, only SJS has seniority over her right now.
Blah blah, deposing, blah blah, stand-by-your-man actions, blah blah, Rose snapping that she was there first, gorramit!
*sporfles* Whilst plotting to use Mr. Smith and the Rift to send out the telephone number to the Doctor, Jack asks who ‘the kid’ is, meaning Luke. SJS says “That’s my son …” and Ianto shoves Jack out of the way, valiantly trying to keep the chanslash at bay.
With the signal boosted that much, the Daleks will notice it and trace it back to Harriet Jones. She says her life doesn’t matter. Jack salutes her.
Then there’s lots of running about, clicking of keys, and plugging in of cables follows, to very intense music.
The signal (a bunch of white-blue circles going out into space) pulses out.
The phone rings, the Doctor uses his stethoscope to follow the signal. YAY! SQUEE! AND OTHER SUCH SENTIMENTS BESIDES!
The Daleks hear the signal.
Davros (and his creepy, but intriguing-sounding theme music) says that “Just as Dalek Khan foretold: the children of time are moving against us. But everything is falling into place.” I HATE IT when bee-runs say that kind of thing!
Lots of explosions take place. Flames shoot up around the TARDIS console.
Harriet Jones transfers the sub-network to TW, then stands up, says who she is (the Daleks say they know who she is) and she dies a badass death. *huggles her*
The 27 planets were hidden a second out of sync with the rest of the universe. Clever, that, if I understood at all.
The Doctor FOUND EARTH! Yay, now the Cylons can give it a rest and the Battlestars can land!
He takes over Harriet’s place on the screen, and Jack snaps “Where the hell have you been?!” like a jilted lover.
Gwen mutters that the Doctor “looks nice, I though he’d be older.” Ianto mutters “He’s not that young.” Is our-favorite-tea-boy interested in the Doctor? Oh, Jack, the threesome fics that will spawn from this …
More introductions and inner-sanctum squees happen, Rose looking on with longing. When Donna asks about Capt. Jack the Doctor says “Don’t. Just … don’t.” Tee hee, I’d LOVE to see Jack and Donna interact! (“Hello there!” “Back off, spaceman, I don’t care how cute you are …” *snog*)
Donna says “It’s like an outer-space Facebook.” Tee hee … the Doctor is sad that Rose isn’t there. Rose looks sad that she can see him and he can’t see her. A version of the TARDIS-song flickers in.
Davros says he wants in on this sub-network, and suddenly the screen goes grainy again. The Doctor says someone else is trying to get through and yelps “Rose?!”
The Voice of Davros says “Your voice is different, and yet it’s arrogance is unchanged.”
SJS whispers “no … but he’s dead.” She looks like she’s gonna cry all over again. Poor SJS … she’s badass and badarse against EVERYTHING … but this is destroying her.
And we finally get to see Davros. He looks … gross: little humanoid man with saggy gray-brown skin, some sort of metal headband thingy, and a blue light in his forehead like a Dalek’s. Weriiiiiiiiiid …
“Welcome. To my new empire. Doctor.” Davros says, with a disgusting little grin. (It’s always the LITTLE men, isn’t it? Rassilon’s hat stand, if men weren’t ruled by their … ah, sorry, got carried away there, back to the show!)
The Doctor is shocked, looking terrified and horrified. Donna says they’re safe, they’re in the TARDIS, but he can’t hear her. He says he tried to save Davros during the Time War (?????!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!??!)
Apparently Dalek Khan, using emergency temporal shift took him back to the Time War, despite it being Time-Locked. It cost Dalek Khan his mind (not that there was much there, so one has to wonder what that’d do to, oh, say, THE DOCTOR …)
Davros ‘gave himself’ to the new Daleks. Literally. He flashes the Doctor pulls open his shirt, showing ribs and yicky yellowish-gray flesh and … just … eeeeeew! (Uncalled for, Mr. Davies, uncalled for!)
“I have my children, Doctor. What do you have? Now?” Davros asks.
This would be the opportune moment for Jenny to pull a Han-Solo and careen into the crossover, but something just as good, if not better, happens.
The Doctor says “After all this time. Everything we saw, everything we lost,” his voice gets really ragged at ‘lost’ … “I have only one thing to say to you …”
He looks half ready to burst into tears or say ‘I forgive you’ or blow up the Dalek fleet using only mind-bullets.
Instead he finishes “Bye!”
Bahahahhhahahahahahaa!
The Supreme Dalek orders the other Daleks to locate the TARDIS. Davros tells them to go and locate the Doctor’s ‘precious human allies.’ Dalek Khan rambles about ‘everlasting death for the most faithful companions.’
They’ve located the sub-network: at Torchwood.
“Ex-ter-min-ate Torchwood!” Big D roars, unaware that fangirls everywhere will break down the fourth-wall using only our minds and stop them from ever doing such a dreadful, despicable thing.
Ianto helps Jack into His Coat: SQUEEEEEEEEE!
Jack teleports out (with a BIG ASS GUN of his own) to find the Doctor, promising he’ll be back. Gwen says not to worry about them, Ianto looks a little worried, but he and Jack didn’t snog and cause fangirl nosebleeds, so he, at least, will live.
SJS puts on her own coat because she has no tea-boy (or girl, seeing as I get these ridiculous femmeslash-vibes from SJS and other female characters - not Maria, though, you sickos! - whenever I try to watch the Sarah Jane Adventures …) to assist her. She tells Luke she loves him, and Mr. Smith promises to look after Luke, and SJS rushes out in her cute little car.
I’m worried about her fate in all of this.
Rose grins and Donna’s mom and granddad wish her luck, looking kinda intimidated after Rose teleports (rather flashily) away.
The Doctor and Donna get out of the TARDIS into a deserted street, and the Doctor asks Donna if Rose said anything else besides “the Darkness is coming.” Donna says “Why don’t you ask her yourself?”
The Doctor turns, and there’s Rose, at the other end of the street. They wait a few seconds, then start running for each other. There’s slow, sad, plinky music, and not too long into the bit I think ‘He’s gonna get shot. He’s gonna get shot!’ because sometimes you can’t avoid comments at the bottom of the screen. Thank god they were vague, but still …
Yeah, the Doctor gets a glancing blow from a Dalek beam (his skeleton doesn’t show, but there’s light and a yelp and he falls.) What gets me is that he looked so … happy … and all of the sudden his face fell and the Dalek tried to ex-ter-min-ate him. His former salvation led him to his death. (I’m not bashing Rose, or the Doctor, or anything, but still, running along a dark street without looking around for hidden Daleks? *headdesk* I don’t care if it’s twu luv and Rose is gonna have the Doctor’s Tiembebbies, her arrival is no cause for stupidity in a hostile environment FULL of Daleks.)
Jack materializes quick enough to blast the Dalek responsible for the blasting, and Rose and the Doctor exchange brave words. With Donna, Rose heaves the Doctor into the TARDIS, Jack hefting both BIG ASS GUNS and glancing left and right.
Back at the Hub, Gwen has found some … well, they’re not BIG ASS GUNS, but they’re not pea-shooters either. Ianto says they don’t work against Daleks, but Gwen insists she’s going down fighting. “Like Owen, like Tosh.” *wibbles* Ianto accepts a gun.
Back in the TARDIS, Jack is the only one taking things calmly. Rose is wailing that she came all this way and Donna hasn’t had the whole regeneration thing explained to her. The Doctor’s hands start to glow.
(Signed on through 2010 my ass!)
SJS almost runs over two Daleks. They say all ‘human transport’ is forbidden. SJS apologizes and surrenders, but they say they don’t accept apologies and she will be ex-ter-min-ate-ed.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! *shrieks, flails, kicks things* YOU MUST NOT HARM SARAH JANE SMITH! *pulls a Dobby and flings self in front of the car*
A Dalek makes it into the Hub. Gwen and Ianto start shooting, Gwen making ‘terrified-but-hell-if-I’m-dying-without-a-fight’ noises.
Jack pulls Rose back, and wishes the Doctor luck. Rose explains the whole regeneration thing to Donna, then wails “But you can’t!” to the Doctor.
The Doctor heaves himself up against the console. “I’m sorry …” he says. “It’s too late ... I’m regenerating …”
And then he stands up, throws back his head, and orangey-yellow beams of light shoot out of his sleeves and around his head. You know the drill, people.
Of course, when he actually stood up and it HAPPENED, I screamed into my hands and spent the next five minutes making ‘habubuwhuwhuh???!?!?!?!?!??’ noises and waving my hands around in desperation.
It might take a while for me to regain the ability of human speech …
We get ‘To Be Continued’ in zooming letters instead of a trailer for next week. That’s because a trailer would totally give away if Ten actually regenerates into Eleven, or if someone rewinds time so that none of this happens at all, or if it was all a dream the Doctor had whilst snuggled up in bed next to the Master last year.
NEXT WEEK: Eleven? Maybe? I dunno … (someone HOLD ME! *hugs knees to chest*)