Brigit's Flame Writing 3rd Entry-- WEEK OF 8/18/08- CANARY IN A COAL MINE

[augustday1]

Before thee.

Before thee.

I am risen and I go.

I take the blows.

I know.

Before thee, I’m more now then before.

I go before thee.

You know me.

All you can’t see is me.

Before thee.

Down beneath the earth to mine your worth.

Digging in the dark I leave my mark upon thee.

An uncaged song of golden hue,

to renew,

and release,

and complete thee.

Freedom in flight in

Comments

Editor!

[attentionhoard]

Hello there! I'm going to be one of your editors this round. I'm not a grammar or structure guru so that's not really what I focus on. Instead, I really just read the entry over a few times and comment on anything that sticks out to me. Take everything I offer as a suggestion, because that's all it is! :) I have, however, recently completed a poetry course taught by a very talented (and relatively well-known) poet in the Midwest. I'll offer anything that may pop into my head!

1. The spelling and grammar are fine so most of my suggestions are going to pertain to other things.

2. Honestly, I think this poem is a bit elementary. I think you could benefit from omitting the rhymes, as that automatically limits you. It's really, really, really tough to make a good poem work with rhyme.

3. You have a great start here, I'd just re-examine some of your repetition choices. "Before thee, I’m more now then before. This especially. The two "before"s present make the poem choppy and you're really striving for a more smooth flow.

Overall, I applaud you for taking the risk of poetry this week. You have a really nice start with some powerful, beautiful lines. I'd just suggest going over this again with a more open mind. Try more abstract, vibrant imagery and less rhyme.

Re: Editor!

[augustday1]

Yes, I respect your comments.

I'm going to bring in an explanation of my problem with writing this which I just shared with my lst editor:

--I was hoping it would reveal God's presence in a person's life being the canary in the coal mine. Going before us to make for a safe and enlightened life journey.

Guess I wasn't good at making that visual come across. Or it might be such personal experience,that I didn't realize I wasn't sharing it clearly. Anyway, that was my intention with dealing with the prompt. I wish I could have done a better job at conveying it---

This i guess is probably more like a chant --like God whispering in my ear and maybe it wasn't something I should have tried to present as poem. Hence the simplicity and repetition.

This is a very valuable lesson for me-- that not everything you create is post worthy or that I can expect everyone to know whats in my head. I still need to keep in mind technique and style and all the other points you've made.

Thanks again for you time, and editing advice.

Re: Editor!

[attentionhoard]

That's a very interesting clarification! Thanks for eplying to let me know.

I do have to say, however, if this is what you were trying to convey, you may have fallen a bit short. That's a great intention that propelled writing this. I'd definitely suggest spending some more time, playing with various things and techniques, that would allow your intention to come across a bit more clearly.