Brigit's Flame Writing Entry-- WEEK OF 8/4/08
He spotted her.
He didn’t like that he still got butterflies. Even after nearly a year. Like she had some power over him.
"You’re late." She looked sad. Him the cause, no doubt.
"I’m here, right?" His answer, he realized almost immediately, sounded like he was trying to be mean. And didn’t do much better when he added to it, "Now you’re pissed?"
"You ( Read more... )
-he thought about refusing the request so that could find out what he’d done --should be 'so that he could'
-Shoving an iced-cold Heineken into his hand, she also gave him a disapproving scowl, --'iced-cold' is just 'ice-cold' and the end of this sentence should have a period, not a comma.
-Offering no defense, "I know," he admitted. --This is perhaps simply a matter of opinion, but this sentence is a bit awkward. It could just be 'He offered no defense.' take or leave the 'I know.' Or it could be 'Offering no defense, he admitted, 'I know.''
-he had suggested she pick something with more magic in it cuz…magic, --I suppose 'cuz' could be a colloquialism of sorts in character, but it looks unprofessional. 'cause might be an acceptable replacement, aside from 'because.'
-He nodded yes. --'He nodded' would suffice; adding 'yes' almost seems repetitive.
I like this piece; I love when someone can capture just a little moment in a life, and you did that here. It flowed nicely, as others have said. Also, I just ADORE this sentence: A romantic folky soulful number and- and maybe it was telling their secrets, but it was glorious and he didn’t care. Nice work.
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Offering no defense, "I know," he admitted. (duh,sorry don't know how to do italics =C)
---seemed a bit awkward. But I liked all the words in it. Your
suggestion works sooo much better.
And the use of 'cuz' was a bad move.
Thanks so much for the edit and, very much appreciated, nice feedback, too.
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