REPOST of original song entry for Brigit's Flame + editor comments
If I Knew Then
I’m a whisper in the wind,
who loves you now and knew you when
On the other side, I see things clear
See, I could have thrown off foolish pride
shake things off and let things ride.
There ain’t no prize in being right
Not when you’re gone from my life.
I’m not mad, it’s just too bad
If only I knew then.
If I knew then, way back when
(I’d say the words) Declare I love you more and again
(I'd touch you) Take your hand and ask you to dance
(I’d see you) Meet your smile and let you in
I’d share my life and be your friend…
If I knew then, If I knew then
If I knew then.
On the other side of things, I’ve found a way--
to be at peace and sound cliché
So much I would take back and change
The battles won, I ‘d never claim
But it’s you that means everything
If time and space where mine
Sharing it with you would be just fine.
It’s not sad, but just too bad
I didn’t know then...
If I knew then, way back when
(To say the words) Tell you I love you more and again
(To touch you) Take your hand and teach you to dance
(To see you) Meet your smile and let you in
I’d share my heart and be your friend…
If I knew then, If I knew then
If I knew then.
If I knew then, way back when
(I’d say the words) I Love you more and again
(I'd touch you) Take you hand and ask you to dance
(I’d see you) Meet your smile and stay awhile
I’d share my heart and be a friend…
If I knew then If I knew then
(Tag)
(If I knew then)
I’m the whisper in the wind, with a prayer for you to bend.
To be loved and rise above
(If I knew then)
That’s all I ever wanted.
(If I knew then)
That’s all you ever needed.
(If I knew then)
Gonna always be there…
Wanna see you loved and rise above..
© TPK 2008
Their reply was:
Hello: I'll be one of your editors for this week. I'll admit several things up front, though:
(a) it's a song, so grammar is right out the window if it sounds good;
(b) content-wise, I can make suggestions, but I'm not a judge;
(c) rhythmically, I haven't heard the music written, so I don't know how well this will fit;
(d) I have, however, had my turns as a songwriter and a lead vocalist, so hopefully I can offer a bit of constructive criticism.
That being said:
I like the repetition in the chorus and variations on themes; however, "teach you how to dance" seems like a rhythmic stumbling block, and I'm not sure how this follows from the initial asking.
Did you really use the word cliche' not five lines before the rhythmically difficult line "But it’s you that means everything"?
Okay, I take it back - run this through a grammar-checker. "where" isn't "were," and "you" isn't "your."
"If time and space where [sic] mine" is a cliche' trope.
"Sharing it with you would be just fine" is lazy. "Just fine"? Seriously?
"with a prayer for you to bend" -- is this all one line? And what does this mean, anyway?
Thematically, something for you to consider: you spend a lot of time talking about what you'd do now, but I don't think you've ever emphasized what you (the singer) know now that you didn't know then. It's all implication.
I think that, in the context of the song, "foolish pride" might be redundant, but if it works rhythmically, keep it.
You're better at song-writing than I am, that much is obvious from the start, but consider your cliche' level and ask yourself just how much cheese you need. In my head, Motley Crue's "Without You" kept playing as I read this -- that's probably a sign that some work lies ahead of you.
Still, nice work.