Day 12 (late in posting, 13 will be here later tonight).
I can sit here for hours and ponder why I do these things. Is it sabotage? Is it out of anger or fear? Am I being passive-aggressive due to some perceived slight? Am I just preparing myself for the inevitable and hastening the demise of the relationship? Why is it I do this with him and not the other? Why do I act as though I'm with the ex again?
It won't matter how long I spend asking myself these questions. The answers are always the same. "I don't know" and "I'm hurting." Why am I hurting? I don't know really. I only know my heart is aching and I feel this emptiness that I can't quite explain. I shouldn't be hurting. I can't find any reason to be hurting, but I am all the same.
Maybe I just think too much. I over-analyze and over-think all the little things in my life. I also take on a tremendous amount of guilt and blame for myself. I know all this. I'm aware of all my quirks and defense-mechanisms, but damned if I've been able to find a way to stop it yet.
"What does it matter?" He finally breaks in and interrupts my thoughts.
"Don't you understand? My actions affect others, and I end up feeling horrible in the end because I hurt them no matter how much I enjoyed myself during the initial act."
He sighs and taps his pen against his clipboard where he's been idly scratching notes as I ramble on and on about my issues. "You told them all at the start of this how you felt and what you wanted, correct?"
"Yes, I guess, but-"
"But nothing," he stops me. "You stated your expectations and your desires. You've reinforced this with other talks, have you not?"
"Well, yeah, but-"
"Stop with the buts already," he sets his pen down on this clipboard and puts his hand up. My eyes follow it as it bobs and sways with each word he says as though he were conducting an orchestra and not sorting out my neuroses. "Then they choose to be hurt when you act exactly as you tell them you were going to do. They choose their reaction and their emotions. Then, you choose how to react to their reactions. You have so far chosen to feel guilt, anxiety, and depression even when they don't have a chance to react to your actions. As a result, you've started hiding things again, and taking a less honest path with them and with yourself, and you wind up back here feeling rather poorly about yourself."
I sigh and close my eyes, willing myself not to cry. "I hate myself for that. I want to be honest, but I'm so afraid..."
"Actions have consequences. You know that. It's part of being an adult. Unfortunately not many so-called adults out there realize this, and so while you take responsibility for your actions, no matter how poor your choices were, the others may not, and in fact they turn around and blame you for their own actions. That's where we get into choices again and how we choose our reactions. You've chosen to feel guilty instead of choosing to point out that you only behaved as you said you would."
"I suppose."
"You've made mistakes recently, yes. You know what must be done to rectify those, and the consequences are possibly going to be severe. However, you made choices you knew you shouldn't have made. Just remember one thing, mistakes we make don't make us good or bad people. It's in how we deal with those mistakes that define whether we are good or bad." He gives me a little smile and scratches his beard. "Our time is up for today."
I nod my head and stand up from my seat. "Thank you," I say extending my right hand, "for reminding me of what I already know."
"It's what I'm paid for."
It won't matter how long I spend asking myself these questions. The answers are always the same. "I don't know" and "I'm hurting." Why am I hurting? I don't know really. I only know my heart is aching and I feel this emptiness that I can't quite explain. I shouldn't be hurting. I can't find any reason to be hurting, but I am all the same.
Maybe I just think too much. I over-analyze and over-think all the little things in my life. I also take on a tremendous amount of guilt and blame for myself. I know all this. I'm aware of all my quirks and defense-mechanisms, but damned if I've been able to find a way to stop it yet.
"What does it matter?" He finally breaks in and interrupts my thoughts.
"Don't you understand? My actions affect others, and I end up feeling horrible in the end because I hurt them no matter how much I enjoyed myself during the initial act."
He sighs and taps his pen against his clipboard where he's been idly scratching notes as I ramble on and on about my issues. "You told them all at the start of this how you felt and what you wanted, correct?"
"Yes, I guess, but-"
"But nothing," he stops me. "You stated your expectations and your desires. You've reinforced this with other talks, have you not?"
"Well, yeah, but-"
"Stop with the buts already," he sets his pen down on this clipboard and puts his hand up. My eyes follow it as it bobs and sways with each word he says as though he were conducting an orchestra and not sorting out my neuroses. "Then they choose to be hurt when you act exactly as you tell them you were going to do. They choose their reaction and their emotions. Then, you choose how to react to their reactions. You have so far chosen to feel guilt, anxiety, and depression even when they don't have a chance to react to your actions. As a result, you've started hiding things again, and taking a less honest path with them and with yourself, and you wind up back here feeling rather poorly about yourself."
I sigh and close my eyes, willing myself not to cry. "I hate myself for that. I want to be honest, but I'm so afraid..."
"Actions have consequences. You know that. It's part of being an adult. Unfortunately not many so-called adults out there realize this, and so while you take responsibility for your actions, no matter how poor your choices were, the others may not, and in fact they turn around and blame you for their own actions. That's where we get into choices again and how we choose our reactions. You've chosen to feel guilty instead of choosing to point out that you only behaved as you said you would."
"I suppose."
"You've made mistakes recently, yes. You know what must be done to rectify those, and the consequences are possibly going to be severe. However, you made choices you knew you shouldn't have made. Just remember one thing, mistakes we make don't make us good or bad people. It's in how we deal with those mistakes that define whether we are good or bad." He gives me a little smile and scratches his beard. "Our time is up for today."
I nod my head and stand up from my seat. "Thank you," I say extending my right hand, "for reminding me of what I already know."
"It's what I'm paid for."