The smell of your skin lingers on me now....
It's late. I'm sitting here thinking about Monica, although I don't know why. I was just thinking about the first few weeks after we broke up, wondering how I could've laughed, put on makeup, did anything that wasn't a necessity. I just remember thinking that eventually I would be okay. Emily and I were playing a word association game tonight, like one word to describe people we both know. She asked for a word to describe Monica, and that made me think of the beginning of my relationship with her. I remember the infatuation I felt...overpowering me, and taking me completely by surprise. I remember that it started with her having a crush on me and me thinking that was cute, but no big deal. Then she left me a message on Facebook and I got really excited. Then the girls at B&N were having a makeover party and I went because I wanted to see her. And on our first date...it started out kind of bumpy, but at the end of the night, my cheeks ached from smiling so much. Every little moment meant so much to me. Painting pottery, her kissing me goodbye in the mornings, the text messages she'd send me....I was so happy wrapped up in those moments with her...And even now it hurts to know that she doesn't think about me. And yeah, I'm pretty sure she doesn't. I (drunkenly) texted her Saturday night and she didn't even know who it was...
I don't miss her anymore...I guess I'm just shocked that I lived through that. And I'm a bit jaded to think it'll ever happen to me again. I've went on several dates since we broke up to a. not let her win and leave me permanently cynical, and b. to find that feeling again. When I get close and then it doesn't work out (like with Kelly) I get really sad and miss how I felt for her-dancing with her, our first kiss, watching movies...
I think maybe it'll all work out for the best. This year has definitely gave me a stronger respect for myself and a lot more knowledge about who I am. I definitely don't try to have relationships with people just because they like me and I don't pretend or try to be something I'm not to make someone like me. I guess the biggest thing I've realized that with friends, lovers, jobs, or really, anything-some things fit and some just don't. You can only compromise so much. And one thing I'm not willing to change is me. Everyone has flaws, but I've realized-I love every single person that I care about in spite of, and even because of, their flaws. Whether they're physical or emotional. No one is perfect and I wouldn't want anyone in my world to be. And that includes myself. I don't have to be anything other than me and I'm still okay with that. So I don't regret anything this year.
....but I wouldn't mind a little romance.
I don't miss her anymore...I guess I'm just shocked that I lived through that. And I'm a bit jaded to think it'll ever happen to me again. I've went on several dates since we broke up to a. not let her win and leave me permanently cynical, and b. to find that feeling again. When I get close and then it doesn't work out (like with Kelly) I get really sad and miss how I felt for her-dancing with her, our first kiss, watching movies...
I think maybe it'll all work out for the best. This year has definitely gave me a stronger respect for myself and a lot more knowledge about who I am. I definitely don't try to have relationships with people just because they like me and I don't pretend or try to be something I'm not to make someone like me. I guess the biggest thing I've realized that with friends, lovers, jobs, or really, anything-some things fit and some just don't. You can only compromise so much. And one thing I'm not willing to change is me. Everyone has flaws, but I've realized-I love every single person that I care about in spite of, and even because of, their flaws. Whether they're physical or emotional. No one is perfect and I wouldn't want anyone in my world to be. And that includes myself. I don't have to be anything other than me and I'm still okay with that. So I don't regret anything this year.
....but I wouldn't mind a little romance.