SW fanfiction - I CAN LOVE YOU FOR THE BOTH OF US
I can love you for the both of us
Tonight shouldn't be different than any other evening we've spent together. But it is. Just like everything else was for the last three weeks. Without any palpable reason everything between us has changed since the Silverlake's case. I have never been more lost than I was then and Harry was the one who helped me to pick up the pieces, somehow stitch them together and start living. It's not the finished project. Every morning I force myself to pick them up again.
I can't really explain what it is that's changed. More often than before I feel him looking at me. He thinks I don't notice. Maybe he worries I am not strong enough. Maybe he doesn't have the same respect for me after my breakdown.
The worst thing is that I love to feel his eyes on me. What I hate is awkwardness I face every time I look back. It's like he's looking at me with new eyes and I hate not knowing what's changed. I know what it could mean but I don't want to go there just as I didn't want before. But it's harder now because I need him so much that it hurts. Not only to feel protected, but to feel loved, taken care of the way I did when he came to my door and I rejected his help. One of the many mistakes. If I have let him in, everything could've been different. There was the look in his eyes I'll never forget. He truly cared, the way that no one ever did since my mother died.
Despite everything I have to let him go tonight. Even though I know I'll feel his smell in my home for days after he's gone. I'll keep imagining him making breakfast in my kitchen, leaving his things all around, never knowing where his phone is. I'll keep imagining him taking shower in my bathroom, sleeping on the pillow next to mine. More mornings than not I'll wake up and before opening my eyes I'll have delusional hope that he'll be there.
Now he is smiling as he's putting his jacket on, kisses my cheek like many times before. We pretend nothing's changed but still this kiss is different. It's still the same light peck but now it carries so much more. If we don't do something everything could fall apart because what we get the most from our relationship is honesty. Now for the first time we are pretending. Like we often did around other people but never with each other. We feel awkward the way we never did before.
I can't stand him go. I can't stand him leaving and myself asking just a minute later why did I let him when every fibre of my body wanted nothing more than for him to stay.
"Harry, don't go" I say slowly not daring to look into his eyes. Then I realize that this is probably the best thing I've ever said. So I take as much strength as I need to raise my head and repeat.
"Don't go, stay with me tonight" I say slowly, never moving look from his eyes. In that moment I feel what rarely comes to surface. What's always there, but often buried deep. In that moment I know that we love each other and that nothing could be simpler or more precious than the two of us together. We are two pieces that have always made whole but were never actually together.
I reach my hand to him, never moving my eyes from his, and I can see tears starting to form. There's no doubt in my mind that he'll take my hand and stay. Indeed he does. He takes my hand and pulls me in his strong arms. I am home. Nothing can hurt me now, nothing is impossible now. Because when we are together we are whole.
It feels so easy, like we did it all in some other time, in some other life. I don't feel the weight of my body; I don't feel my legs moving all I feel is what I see in his eyes.
My cheek is on his and his lips are on my jaw. I feel them like they've always been there.
Everything I've ever lost I find in that moment of honesty.
Then he pulls away. It's immediate loss. I have to get him back.
"You want me to stay?" he asks.
"Yes."
"You think it's a good idea?"
"Let's not think tonight, Harry. Let's just feel" I say slowly unemotionally as the idea seems like one of those things that you try so hard to find but have always been right there. This is so simple. We should be together. I know we'd be alright. "Let's not think. Let's not think or analyse for at least one time in our lives."
I see it again. I see how much he loves me. It doesn't appear often, because like many other of Harry's emotions it's often covered by humour. It pops up sometimes when he's so worried about me that he lets his guard down.
I never love myself more than in those times when I can see myself through his eyes. He loves me the way I truly am and even though he knows all my flows and all my demons.
I don't have time to think because he grabs me in his arms and his kiss takes every coherent thought from my mind. Why did we wait for so long? I inhale his aftershave. It's the one I bought him. I feel like all of this has happened already, like we've been doing it for years. Why haven't we?
Smile spreads across my face because I know I am doing the right thing. I run my fingers through his hair and feel his cold hands on my back reaching under my shirt. Stumbling over furniture we make our way into my bedroom. We fall on my bed laughing. This is me and Harry. How could it possibly be wrong? How could it possibly not be the best thing that has ever happened? How could I possibly think that anyone else could replace him?
His kisses tickle my neck and I giggle. I feel his immediate reaction and his low giggles, too. It feels so incredibly passionate, so natural, so logical.
God, how much I love him, is the only thought I can distinct from the bundle of emotions I feel. I want him so much that I know my nails will leave marks on his back. He doesn't seem to care but slowly takes my blouse off and plays with me putting small kisses on my right shoulder under the strap of my bra. We laugh together. This is Harry. Finally it's him.
Lying on top of me he kisses my earlobe and I hear him say something. He repeats it again but my mind is so blank that I can't believe it.
"I love you so much" he says. For a moment I am shocked, I look at him and feel hot tears rolling down my cheeks. My whole head is burning and it feels like the air has been sucked out of the room.
He pulls away and looks at me, look on his face I can't read. He doesn't understand my tears.
"I love you Harry. I love you, too" I say not really thinking about it. Why would I need to? Without realizing through all those years we've known each other I was giving him bigger and bigger place in my life and at the end I gave him all the love that I had never had a chance to give. Without that love I wouldn't be complete ever again. It's the essence of my being.
At first I can't really distinct the look on his face. Then I realize it's guilt. With Harry it's always guilt. He thinks I feel sorry for him.
"How could you ever love me?" he asks and I feel his voice breaking.
I close my eyes. This can't be happening.
I feel him getting out of bed. I don't dare to open my eyes as I know what I'll see. There won't be any trace of all that was here just a minute before. There'll be only guilt and self - hate. He hates himself so much that he destroys every chance he has for happiness.
"Not thinking is never a good idea, Nikki. I can't do this."
I know it's not easy for him to say that. I know he wants it as much as I do. So why is this so bloody hard?
I want to say something but I can't help him with this. Nothing I say can help him now. His pain has always been my pain. This time is different because this time I can't help it, I can only share it. I know I can love him for both of us. But it won't be enough.
I hear my doors closing quietly. He left. He left me, too.
"It's not a good idea." I swallow hard. There are no tears but I feel my hands shaking.
I never felt as abandoned as I do know. I've never felt that I had everything in one moment and lost it all in the next. Because I've never had everything.
With him I did. For a moment I had it all.