SW fanfiction - THE THIRD VOICE
Harry was coming back from the scene. He was wet from the rain that was falling heavily all day and couldn’t wait to get into shower.
When he entered the lab he saw Nikki sitting at his desk staring at something she was holding in her hands. Leo wasn’t there and not wanting to disturb her, Harry proceeded to his office amazed that Nikki hasn’t noticed him entering. Her mind was obviously somewhere else.
When she hasn’t changed her position in the next five minutes, ignoring the cold and hair that was almost completely wet Harry sat at Nikki’s desk. This time she saw him coming but said nothing more than hello as she returned her attention to what she was holding in her hands.
Harry could now see it was yellow wool baby sock. He knew right then where that desperate look she had came from.
“What’s your problem?” he asked when it became obvious she will not start the subject alone.
“I don’t have a problem” Nikki replied sharply. She was angry at him but not really knowing why. His question annoyed her.
“Let’s not fight. Tell me what are you thinking about?”
She couldn’t ignore an honest care she felt in his voice.
“It’s nothing really. I am just thinking about something that every woman thinks at some point in her life?”
“Sex?” he asked jokingly.
“No, Harry” she asked forcing herself not to smile. “Having children.”
“Oh, the chicken or the egg?” he said and they both giggled.
Few moments past and there was comfortable silence between them. Nikki was looking down again, on the tiny piece of clothing and Harry was still at her desk, his chin in his hand looking at her. It didn’t matter how long they knew each other, her beauty would always take his breath away.
Nikki did nothing to show that she was aware of him looking at her, expecting for conversation to continue and Harry knew better than to ask again. She will talk when she’s ready.
Indeed, few minutes later she said “I went to see my friend Maddie last night. She had a baby boy two months ago.”
“That’s nice” Harry said.
“You know, people like Maddie and Henry, her husband, are exactly the type of people who should have children” she said unemotionally.
“There’s a type?” Harry asked raising his eyebrow.
“Of course there is. Maddie is ophthalmologist, her husband too, they met on a conference six years ago, have been married for three, have a practice together, great working hours, beautiful home, garden, even a Labrador. They are emotionally, financially and physically prepared to have a child. Don’t you think it’s important to bring a child into stabile environment?”
“It’s not the most important thing, Nikki” he said certain. It seemed that he gave a great deal of thought into this. “Love is the most important thing.”
This almost made Nikki laugh.
“Love, Harry? Really?”
“Love is too often used to express shallow and temporary things. That’s why the word has lost its real meaning. Love means that child feels safe, taken care of, that he feels he belongs where he is, that he is part of the family. You can’t give child anything more precious than that, don’t you think?”
“I guess you are right” she said still processing his words. Few moments later she sighed and continued “l came to conclusion that it would be selfish of me to have a child. What do I have to offer? Would it be fair to bring a child in this world already condemned on living without a father, with a mother who works all the time, who has gun pointed to her head every couple of months, who mostly doesn’t know what to do with herself? It would be selfish, don’t you think? I would be the worst mother ever…” she said, her voice trembling.
She felt tears in her eyes and moved her look from Harry’s. She felt him approaching and knew that he was now standing by her side. She had no strength to raise her head.
“Look at me, Nikki” he said, his hand under her chin, gently forcing her to lift her head.
When she looked at him, tears in her eyes still kept from falling down, he sighed like a man preparing to give a statement that could save or destroy his life forever.
Quietly, but his voice still calm and sure he said:
“If I would have to choose a woman in this world to be the mother of my child, it would be you Nikki. It would always be you.”
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She frowned like she couldn’t process what he has just said but faced with same honesty in his eyes she felt hot drops of water falling slowly down her cheeks. She didn’t move to wipe them away. It didn’t even cross her mind.
“No one I know has more love to give than you do Nikki. You never had a chance to give your love and get the same in return.”
He felt the monster in his chest fighting to get out, threatening to destroy his life, their relationship, their friendship, their bound. But there was no going back. He didn’t want to go back.
“I can’t give myself luxury anymore to care about what might happen. I can’t keep it all in anymore. You said it’s easy to confuse need with love and for some time I really thought that that’s what I was doing. But I want to need you, I want to take care of you, to reflect myself in you, I don’t want to exist in the world where you don’t. And yes, I would never want to have children with any other woman then you, Nikki Alexander.”
He looked at her expecting from her to say something but she was just staring into his eyes. Harry knew that this was the first time he could look at her and not hide anything.
It felt great, liberating, scary and magnificent all at the same time.
“I have three voices in my head right now” he continued. “One is telling me that we shouldn’t go there, because it might not work and we would lose what we have now.” He saw that she frowned, something similar to fear in her eyes.
“The second one is telling me that nothing could destroy what we have, that we are too strong and nothing can ruin this.” He paused and sighed once more. He felt that what he was planning to say was provoking involuntary smile on his lips. He stopped it. He didn’t want to push her anymore than he already did. Still he had to say it.
“The third voice, the loudest one, the one that is screaming from the every fibre of my body tells me that there’s no way that we could not work out.”
Biggest grin spread across Nikki’s face.
“So there are only three voices?” she asked giggling. “I expected at least ten” she smiled again her eyes never leaving his.
“Well, I am glad my opened heart amuses you” he said turning his back on her.
She sighed and approached him, turning him back to face her. “I laughed because I’ve never wanted to hear anything more than that. In the last fifteen minutes you told me the most beautiful things that anyone has ever told me.” Nikki saw him smiling, relieved. “Does that mean that you wouldn’t mind helping me have a baby?” she asked.
Harry couldn’t believe that she hasn’t understood what he meant when he said all that.
“Nikki, I told you that I loved you. And I meant it. I MEAN it. I haven’t said that only to make you feel better.”
“You love me?”
“Yes, you know, romantic feeling that forces you to completely depend on other person to determine your own happiness.”
“You love me Harry!” she screamed now, understanding it for the first time. “You love me” she repeated quietly. For a moment she did nothing but stared at her hands that were now pressed on his chest in eagerness and child - like happiness.
“I love you, too” she said raising her head and facing his gaze. It felt like the most natural and right thing that she has ever said.
“Well, that’s convenient” Harry said jokingly. “I would like to help you get a child. I would like for us to have a child” he corrected himself. She smiled and hugged him, holding him tightly feeling familiarity of his safe arms. “Actually I can’t wait to start helping you with that one” he said as she pulled back few seconds later and they both laughed. Once again they looked into each other eyes saying more than they could ever say with words.
“Maybe we should try doing things like normal people do, like a date?” Nikki finally said.
“Us, doing things normal way?” he asked astonished.
“Yes, doctor Cunningham. I would like to go to that date that’s six years late” she said grinning.
Harry knew that he has never seen her this happy and it filled his heart with all new feelings, each one more extraordinary than the other.
“Normal people aren’t usually six years late on a date” he said. “But it’s not the same date, anyway. That old date would be I-like-you-and-want-to-get-to-know-you date and this one will be I-love-you-and-want-to-spend-my-life-with-you date. How does that sound?” he asked with the most charming smile on his face.
“It sounds perfect” she replied imitating his expression. “Just perfect” she said pressing her lips on his for the first time and finally feeling she has found a home. This is where she’ll stay forever.