fifty shades of terrible

[audraeverafter]

Instead of working on anything for school, which I promised myself that I would, I am now writing this post about how miserable E.L. James is as a writer. And, of course, why the popularity of this book means that our society is doomed to fail. Ah well, what are you going to do? At least, my calves are feeling better (and my feet!) and I can spend tomorrow morning outdoors. Also known as: NOT reading this book.

Okay, so, my favorite moments of glee / anger / disgust, in no particular order  --

1. Christian randomly shows up at Ana's work, after meeting her once. Where they did not discuss her work. Or home. Or any thing. By the way, she works in Portland and he lives and works in Seattle. So, yeah, he just happened to end up in her hardware store while looking for some DIY products. Ana's like, GEE WHIZ, WHAT A COINCIDENCE. And I'm like CALL THE COPS, GIRL!
2. FORESHADOWING! I could basically tell you everything that is going to happen in this book in the first twenty pages. He buys cable ties. She doesn't know why. Eventually, he uses said cable ties on her. Oh my gosh, it comes full circle.
3. Ana calls Christian's voice "warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel... or something." Mm, baby, gotta get me some of that Christian Sundae. I guess?
4. British-isms! Ana clearly has read far too many of her favorite British stories, because her inner dialogue includes things like "pram" and "my heart is pounding a frantic tattoo." Okay, so I totally thought Ana was like "geez! I love him so much! It's like a tattoo on my heart!" But, apparently guys, in Enland, a tattoo is a drum line, so her heart is just beating, like, really fast, don't you know?
5. "With my heart almost strangling me -- because it's in my throat trying to escape my mouth -- I head down one of the aisle to the electrical section." Oh my gosh, cable ties are so hot! I am vomiting up my heart because it is so hot. I will soon die because my heart is in my mouth. I love beating my readers over the head with my picture perfect imagery.
6. Immediately after this, Ana begins talking about her medulla oblongata. Because she's so smart. And apparently she's also MAGIC! because hers can just stop working and she's still alive. I know this because she tells us something like four times.
7. Clearly, her medulla oblongata fails her because she almost gets hit by a bicycle. Christian's super fast non-vampire vampire reflexes save her again, though, and then FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HER WHOLE LIFE, she wants to be kissed. Yes, guys, Ana is 21 years old AND HAS NEVER WANTED TO BE KISSED BEFORE. Believe it. 
8. Ana gets mad at Kate, her most perfect beautiful blonde BFF in the whole wide world, by snapping "Don't be ridiculous" and then says: "I very rarely throw my toys out of the pram." Because, I mean, Ana is just so sweet. And British. Without being British.
9. So Ana has never really drank in her whole life, or at least she's never gotten drunk. And she's just so smart, a real college graduate, that she has champagne and five margaritas and a pitcher of beer, but she doesn't pass out. She just drunk dials Christian, but then WAIT! Her friend Jose totally tries to rape her in the alley next to the bar, and TADA! Stalker Christian to the rescue!! He is SUCH a knight in shining armor, holding her hair back while she vomits and then taking him back to his hotel room without her consent. But it's okay, guys, because he doesn't rape her. He just says this: "Well, if you were mine, you wouldn't be able to sit down for a week after the stunt you pulled yesterday."
10. Much like Bella, because she IS Bella, Ana regularly forgets to breathe. Christian, being all experienced and wiser and older (he's all of 27), is so sweet because he's like "Breathe" and reminds her, lest she die or pass out from his amazing, breathtaking, stunning, gorgeous, magnificent beauty. 
11. Profligate. This is one of the new words that I've learned while reading this book. It means the same as decadent and extravagant, two much more well-known words. Basically, he's rich. Very rich. Don't forget!
12. When Christian gets angry because Ana did not blow dry her hair. Just in case I forgot how he's actually an abusive boyfriend, and not just a guy who likes to play Dom.
13. The one hundred million times Christian reminds Ana to eat. Because he cares. I would be smirking, except, dear God, the girl doesn't really eat. Ever. Is she like a fairy waif? Does she live off air? And champagne?
14. Is anyone in the world as naive as Ana? She seriously wonders if he's a virgin when he says it was his first time sleeping in the bed with someone. After he bought the ties and the tape and said he would only touch her with her written consent and that he'd like to bite that lip and spank her for getting drunk. My god, girl. 
15. "I'd probably do anything for this man seated beside me." That she has met all of 3 times? But, I mean, he kidnapped her for one of them, so that counts double, right?
16. Somehow, somehow, innocent, naive, virgin, never-wanted-to-be-kissed-before Ana enters the SEX DUNGEON with Christian and does not run out screaming. Instead, she describes it as "Christian's version of soft and romantic." Is this girl living in the same world as the rest of us? I mean, yes, sex dungeons are not scary or frightening to those who practice BDSM, and they are not the tools of a psycho. But, this is the same girl who HAS NEVER WANTED TO BE KISSED BEFORE IN HER LIFE. Soft and romantic? Gosh, clearly, I need to re-imagine romantic. Who needs candlelit dinners when you could be introduced to floggers?
17. After Ana reads the contract, she basically says he must be insane to want to do this. This starts the long, long rest of the book, where James both thinks BDSM is super-hot / sexually exciting and something that only crazy, perverted, tortured people do. Considering that she also forgets parts of her own story, I am seriously wondering if multiple personalities may have been present when writing it. 
18. Christian tells Ana to Wikipedia her questions. I wikipedia her questions, because I am also unfamiliar with much of BDSM. I find that most everything in James' knowledge can be summarized in the first few paragraphs of wikipedia and/or Google. Including the contract.
19. How about when Christian, the super experienced guy who never sleeps with people in his bed nor has any kind of relationship outside of the playroom, is like, oh wait, you're a virgin? My bad, let's have vanilla sex. 
20. Or, how about when Ana, the super virgin who has seriously never, ever in her life masturbated or even remotely touched herself (WHAT?!) manages to have her very first orgasm EVER by having her boobs kissed. Yes, she does. Clearly, once again, she's magic. Or I'm doing something wrong. I wish it was the latter. 
21. This sex scene also commences the first of many references to the vaginal area as "down there." I did not add the italics.
22. Oh, excuse me, I forgot to mention one of my favorite lines: "Finally, after all this time, I'm going to do it, with none other than Christian Grey." I'm not sure what "all this time" means -- she's never wanted to be kissed, never masturbated, who knew that she was dying to have sex? Second, do it? Do it?! I love it when you talk dirty like that, James, it's just so electric, to use one of your own words. 
23. "He's so freaking hot." Lest we forget, this phrase is used no less than four times. Exact phrase. Also, "Christan Grey's feet... wow..." Also, "How could anyone look this good and still be legal?" Damn, I feel sorry for the actor who has to live up to this.
24. And the prejudice/over-foreshadowing continues: "I have an indecent proposal to consider from King Misfit himself. Why is he this way? Nature or Nurture?" ANA, WHY ARE YOU THIS WAY? IS YOUR NATURE THIS DUMB, OR DID SOMETHING HAPPEN TO YOU AS A BABY?
25. "I'm so glad Kate insisted I shave." WOMEN AREN'T DESIRABLE UNLESS THEY SHAVE. Also, really, in the 21st century, does any typical female NOT remember to shave before dates?
26. Okay, things get really good once the inner goodess shows up. Apparently, Ana is actually THREE people. Ana, subconscious, and inner goddess. Ana's inner goddess is actually the opposite of most people's inner goddess and enjoys being in an abusive relationship. In fact, when Christian's jealous rages pop up, her inner goddess "does the merengue with some salsa moves." Wow.
27. "Running his nose up and down my sex." Now, if that doesn't turn you on, I don't know what possibly could! Noses! Sex! Vagina!
28. New word/phrase #2: in flagrante delicto. Basically, in the middle of sex. I love that I am expanding my vocabulary! I am using context clues! In an erotic novel! 
29. New word #3: Quaff. To drink heavily, usually of alcohol. Can I use it in a sentence? Why, yes, yes, I can. This book is going to make me quaff.
30. Apparently, in Ana's world, fifteen year old boys are not horny. And do not have sex. Also, in James' world, men could only want to be a Dom if they had an EVIL MRS. ROBINSON seduce them and make them be a submissive for six years. Because, I mean, clearly you only enter BDSM because you are seduced. I mean, that's why Ana enters. Christian did learn his manipulation from the best.
31. Oh, yes, now, my favorite metaphor. Ana, as Icarus. Christian, as the Sun. Perhaps slightly clever, perhaps. Only, it is used no less than four times. And that's only the direct search for Icarus, I'm pretty sure she makes more indirect references about the sun. As I read this metaphor-thing for the third time, I wished desperately that I too could fly close to the sun. And burn up. Or burn all copies of this book that existed. Ever.
32. How about when Ana graduates, and her dad/step-dad man comes to visit, and she can't forget whether she calls him Ray, or Dad? I'm pretty sure when you call someone Dad, you just call them Dad. 
33. Ana has a wet dream, which I didn't even really know was possible for women, and manages to have an orgasm because he hits her directly in the clitoris with a riding crop. I told Dan about this, and he said, "Wow. He has great aim." I laughed. A lot. I laughed even more when the real Christian, the non-dream Christian somehow ALSO managed to have great enough aim to hit her precisely on her nipples and her clitoris, with no misses, in a later scene. I mean, that's the kind of guy I want on my side of a fight! BOOYA, one swift kick and you're out!
34. "I gasp, and I'm Even in the Garden of Eden, and he's the serpent, and I cannot resist." COMMAS! THE BIBLE! SIN! GRAMMAR!
35. It's also great when Christian says no to Ana's hard limits. Like, she says I don't want to have anal sex. And he's like, I will claim your ass. Yes, he says that. Yes, he ignores her no. I've decided that Christian's nickname is Rapey McRapey-Rape. Because, I mean, the whole thing about BDSM and hard limits is that there is CONSENT. Even if it's consent to not give consent (I know, it's confusing), there's still consent. 
36. "Holy Moses!" Is this something Bella says? Even so, I cannot forgive.
37. "My inner goddess looks like someone snatched her ice cream." I'm reminded of that Jello commercial. J-E-L-L-O... It's alliiiiiiiive! Apparently, the inner goddess is now too. Sex is like lightning, it can bring any monster to life. 
38. Oh, we've been waiting all book for this one -- "Because I'm fifty shades of fucked-up, Anastasia."
39. "Oh, how demeaning is this, demeaning and scary and hot." I always love my sex with a side of debasement. I also love when I say NO! NO SPANKING! and I DIDN'T SIGN YOUR CONTRACT! And my guy says, oh well, I warned you. And so then he spanks me anyways. It's great when my ability to give consent is taken from me. That's what I look for in all my men. 
40. New word #4: Priapic monster. Priapic apparently means phallic. Christian says he is not one. I beg to disagree. In fact, I say, do away with the fancy words, let's stick with DICK. 
41. All romances need more beguilement. That's what is wrong with the world. That's why the divorce rate is so high. We're not sitting around, beguiling and bewildering each other. And arguing over who beguiles whom more. And, let's not forget about the bewitching! Clearly, we need more bewitching.
42. Oh, let me be sure to include one of my favorite Icarus/sun/light/burning references: "The candle flame is too hot. It flickers and dances in the over-warm breeze, a breeze that brings no respite from the heat. Soft gossamer wings flutter to and fro in the dark, sprinkling dusty scales in the circle of light. I'm struggling to resist..."
43. Oooooh! BODY WASH! I forgot to tell you how delectable the scent of body wash is. It's so amazing that it is mentioned no less than nine -- yes, nine -- times. I am clearly shopping at the wrong store.
44. Not new, but unnecessary word: Loquacious. To describe an email? 
45. Oh, I almost forgot to mention when he gives Ana wine by drinking it and then spitting it in her mouth. I don't know about the rest of you, but I actually spend energy trying to avoid people spitting in my mouth. I also try to avoid people giving me their backwash. But, Ana, no, not Ana. She almost has an orgasm. Okay, I might be exaggerating on the orgasm, but not by much.
46. New Word #1,000,000: Conupiscent. Relating to sex.
47. Ana asks Christian: "Have you been playing with the thesaurus again?" I wonder why it's okay for James to make love to her thesaurus, but not Christian. I wonder why it's okay for James to write a book that is about 1350 pages longer than it needs to be, thanks to the thesaurus, but Christian cannot write a 2 sentence email.
48. Best sex scene: Ana is on period. Christian wants sex. Christian takes Ana to bathroom. Christian spreads legs. Christian rips out tampon and puts it in the toilet. WHY WAS THIS NOT INCLUDED IN THE DISCUSSION OF HARD LIMITS? I'm pretty sure EVERY WOMAN EVER would say this is one. Not the sex on a period thing. Lots of people get over that. BUT NO ONE HAD BETTER EVER RIP MY TAMPON OUT OF MY VAGINA FOR ME, UNLESS I'VE BEEN IN A SERIOUS CAR CRASH AND AM IN A COMA!
49. Oh, I have neglected to talk about Ana's awesome subconscious. At one point, it gets its "Edvard Munch face on." Sweet.
50. BSDM prejudice strikes again! Christian: "Because it satisfies a need in me that wasn't met in my formative years."
51. Speaking of which, Christian's trauma occurred before he was four. He was then adopted by an awesome family. With lots of money. In real life, I'm pretty sure that 90% of adopted kids in that situation would overcome any trauma, since most children also remember NOTHING from before four. Even if that were not the case, LIKING BDSM HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT YOU DID OR DID NOT GET IN YOUR FORMATIVE YEARS. Okay, I may be overusing the caps, but my other choice would be to stab myself in the eye, so I'll go with caps.
52. Oh, the inner goddess again: "My inner goddess has back flipped off the podium and is doing cartwheels around the stadium." And "my inner goddess - she's under a blanket behind the sofa." 
53. New word #SEVEN BILLION: Avuncular. Of, or relating to an uncle. Apparently, that is the way the driver smiles at her?
54. Abusive relationship sign number infinity: "I have to man up and take whatever he decides he wants, whatever he thinks he needs."
55. And, then, then, the final scene. Where abusive boyfriend (real world) / traumatized lover (Ana's imagination) beats the shit out of Ana with a belt. While she screams. And cries. A lot. Because she rolled her eyes at him and ran away when he said he wanted to spank her. So, she tries to negotiate. She wants to touch him. He doesn't want to be touched. She, being the emotionally abused near-virgin that she is, says "Bring it, baby" in hopes of being able to touch him. She has no idea what she is saying bring it to. He doesn't tell her. He just, I repeat, beats the shit out of her. And then lays with her in bed, sad and hurt, because he was just doing what she asked, right?!?