(no subject)
Jeff Buckley - What Will You Say?
It's been such a long time
And I was just a child then
What will you say
When you see my face?
Time feels like it's flown away
The days just pass and fade away
What will you say
When they take my place?
The disconnected feeling I was describing in my last entry has really taken its toll. I have felt myself pulling away from everyone else as they keep moving, excepting a select few people. That feeling of your fingers slipping, hearts and hands are reaching, but every moment is still fleeting... away... Some people are trying to be so helpful. They are a blessing to me, and I hope they forgive my non-chalant and blase ways of late. It's just this feeling of disconnection from everything; and then, for the first time, the feeling that I am slowly accepting it that accompanies it. The longer this wears itself in, the more I begin to become used to, and accept, the way things are failing.
It's funny now
I just don't feel like I'm a man
What will you say
When you see my face?
My face...
I was writing an email before I started writing this and I wrote out something that finally made sense of at least part of all of this. Sometimes it is no more than a reminder of how far down you've come from what you wanted all along... and how far out of your reach it is. Sometimes you lose sight of what you really wanted. For yourself; for others; for God, if you're that way inclined; for all of the world in which you live. There's a line you either wanted to walk, or you felt that you should be walking because you were expected to. If you can't walk along that path, you could find yourself a little lost. Standing amidst a present, lodged between a future and a past that do not match one another. Like a missing piece of a puzzle, you - and only you - have the task of building a bridge between the two... even if you don't like either of them. It is hard to see what is best most of the time.
Purpose and reason have really battled away in me lately. For months now, really. I always believed that everything happens for a reason, but I have found myself troubled with the realisation that all of the reasons I had claimed at the heart of all of the happenings of yesterday have sort of fell on their collective arse this year. I accepted all of the past's woes because I could see where it all was leading me; and how it was a good thing because it alone has led me towards good things in my life... but then this past year those good things have slipped from my reach and I have all but lost faith in those things ever happening. This brought me back to square one. This made me question if the reasons I had believed in were really reasons at all.
This was joined by a disappointment in myself for ever trying to figure out the reasons, as I have always believed that we never really know the reasons for things. You are just supposed to accept, apparently, but somewhere along the line I decided that I didn't want to. I didn't want to take it anymore. I wanted that "insider info" now. I wanted to know the answers... now.
I could feel my faith slipping away. Just the other night I had a rather strange rant to God when I was praying before bed, which I try to maintain every night. I was asking why I should pray. I was asking why I should pray for happiness and for everyone to get what they deserve; and walk the path that is for the best. Why should I ask for His approval and acceptance? He doesn't seem to really have a hand in things here on earth. He can suggest, but not decide, it seems. So those of us that act in response to what we believe He expects of us, we act for something we will not understand until after death. If our life is so deeply affected by our perceptions of what comes after death, then how are we living? How is life a plausible reality if all we ever do in life is prepare for the afterlife and our death? The Path, it seems, is all that my life has ever been about... but I walk blindly without knowing the fucking destination! I hope I'm doing the right thing for the "in the end" scenario I am "heading towards," by doing what I think is right today... but what if this is it? What if today... is all there is?
So what do people say when they see my face? When I am gone, and someone takes my place, what will they say?
Well it's so funny now
I just don't feel like I'm a man
What will you say?
**Insomnia makes me his bitch every night-he wont let me go**
It's been such a long time
And I was just a child then
What will you say
When you see my face?
Time feels like it's flown away
The days just pass and fade away
What will you say
When they take my place?
The disconnected feeling I was describing in my last entry has really taken its toll. I have felt myself pulling away from everyone else as they keep moving, excepting a select few people. That feeling of your fingers slipping, hearts and hands are reaching, but every moment is still fleeting... away... Some people are trying to be so helpful. They are a blessing to me, and I hope they forgive my non-chalant and blase ways of late. It's just this feeling of disconnection from everything; and then, for the first time, the feeling that I am slowly accepting it that accompanies it. The longer this wears itself in, the more I begin to become used to, and accept, the way things are failing.
It's funny now
I just don't feel like I'm a man
What will you say
When you see my face?
My face...
I was writing an email before I started writing this and I wrote out something that finally made sense of at least part of all of this. Sometimes it is no more than a reminder of how far down you've come from what you wanted all along... and how far out of your reach it is. Sometimes you lose sight of what you really wanted. For yourself; for others; for God, if you're that way inclined; for all of the world in which you live. There's a line you either wanted to walk, or you felt that you should be walking because you were expected to. If you can't walk along that path, you could find yourself a little lost. Standing amidst a present, lodged between a future and a past that do not match one another. Like a missing piece of a puzzle, you - and only you - have the task of building a bridge between the two... even if you don't like either of them. It is hard to see what is best most of the time.
Purpose and reason have really battled away in me lately. For months now, really. I always believed that everything happens for a reason, but I have found myself troubled with the realisation that all of the reasons I had claimed at the heart of all of the happenings of yesterday have sort of fell on their collective arse this year. I accepted all of the past's woes because I could see where it all was leading me; and how it was a good thing because it alone has led me towards good things in my life... but then this past year those good things have slipped from my reach and I have all but lost faith in those things ever happening. This brought me back to square one. This made me question if the reasons I had believed in were really reasons at all.
This was joined by a disappointment in myself for ever trying to figure out the reasons, as I have always believed that we never really know the reasons for things. You are just supposed to accept, apparently, but somewhere along the line I decided that I didn't want to. I didn't want to take it anymore. I wanted that "insider info" now. I wanted to know the answers... now.
I could feel my faith slipping away. Just the other night I had a rather strange rant to God when I was praying before bed, which I try to maintain every night. I was asking why I should pray. I was asking why I should pray for happiness and for everyone to get what they deserve; and walk the path that is for the best. Why should I ask for His approval and acceptance? He doesn't seem to really have a hand in things here on earth. He can suggest, but not decide, it seems. So those of us that act in response to what we believe He expects of us, we act for something we will not understand until after death. If our life is so deeply affected by our perceptions of what comes after death, then how are we living? How is life a plausible reality if all we ever do in life is prepare for the afterlife and our death? The Path, it seems, is all that my life has ever been about... but I walk blindly without knowing the fucking destination! I hope I'm doing the right thing for the "in the end" scenario I am "heading towards," by doing what I think is right today... but what if this is it? What if today... is all there is?
So what do people say when they see my face? When I am gone, and someone takes my place, what will they say?
Well it's so funny now
I just don't feel like I'm a man
What will you say?
**Insomnia makes me his bitch every night-he wont let me go**