(no subject)
Today I've been thinking a lot... When I get in moods like I am today, where I totally hate myself,I usually have all these things I want to change to make me happier... that will in return make Dan happier because he likes me when I'm happy. When I'm not, I just make him miserable.. and angry.
The main thing I hate is how I talk like this all the time (to Dan) then never do anything about it. I don't know how to make the changes, and if I say I'm going to when the situation comes up again I never get to changing it. I let my selfishness feelings get the best of me.
Right now I am feeling like I want to call Dan (at work) and straighten things out, but he is working and it would waste his time. I think I may have left him a little angry at me and if he is, he needs to cool off so he doesn't say things he doesn't mean. I think thing are just me being dumb today, and him being annoyed from yesterday, and now today.
I hate how dependent I am on him, give me some self-esteem to do things on my own. I doubt I need him to go to Meijers with me. No one is going to attack me like I seem to think. Just cuz I'm in Ypsilanti doesn't mean I'm ALWAYS going to get mugged, or something of that sort.
I need to give Dan some space, I want to feel like he is happy to see me, but if I see him so much its just usual... :/ This is the hardest for me, cuz I usually don't do anything and end up seeing him... no matter how much he or I love it, we do need our own space. Even though I get nervous I won't see him that much next week and try to see him as much as I can, I don't need to. Because we ALWAYS find way to see each other one way or another.
I need to trust. Trust that the trip and reservations will be made without my nagging, trust that nothing i'll be jealous of will happen when he isn't around me... and if it makes me jealous I'm being dumb, because its been almost a year and a half.
I need to realize that people like me and I have friends, I can call them if I'm bored because, maybe they are bored too! If they are we can fix it together! If they are busy... oh well maybe they will call me next time they are bored!
I need to stop being such a fucking hypocrite. Speak my mind. And quit agreeing with people to fit in. If I don't fit in... I still have people that like me.
I need to stop telling myself that other people are worse to make me feel better about some things. I should want to be the best at everything, the best I can be in dancing, the best girlfriend to Dan (cuz he is the best to me and deserves more from me), the best friend I can be to my friends, the best sister to my sister, and daughter to my parents. The last two I think I am, they understand I'm busy, I call a lot a week, I go home for family functions (which I don't need to bring Dan too, next time I'll make sure there is more for him there) and I attend my sisters meets when I can.
This is making me feel better about myself. For those of you who read thank you. I love all of you... even if I don't show it or am moody sometimes.. I'm not good with showing my feelings, and I just wanted you to know that.
As for that I'm proud to say that I've been reading a lot lately and really enjoying it! Thanks Dan for my books. I still haven't been eating right and I'm sure that isn't help me get better in dance. My concert is 2 weeks from this weekend! Come see! :) I'm happy. But today was just a rough mental day for Aud. Tomorrow will be better.
Aud
The main thing I hate is how I talk like this all the time (to Dan) then never do anything about it. I don't know how to make the changes, and if I say I'm going to when the situation comes up again I never get to changing it. I let my selfishness feelings get the best of me.
Right now I am feeling like I want to call Dan (at work) and straighten things out, but he is working and it would waste his time. I think I may have left him a little angry at me and if he is, he needs to cool off so he doesn't say things he doesn't mean. I think thing are just me being dumb today, and him being annoyed from yesterday, and now today.
I hate how dependent I am on him, give me some self-esteem to do things on my own. I doubt I need him to go to Meijers with me. No one is going to attack me like I seem to think. Just cuz I'm in Ypsilanti doesn't mean I'm ALWAYS going to get mugged, or something of that sort.
I need to give Dan some space, I want to feel like he is happy to see me, but if I see him so much its just usual... :/ This is the hardest for me, cuz I usually don't do anything and end up seeing him... no matter how much he or I love it, we do need our own space. Even though I get nervous I won't see him that much next week and try to see him as much as I can, I don't need to. Because we ALWAYS find way to see each other one way or another.
I need to trust. Trust that the trip and reservations will be made without my nagging, trust that nothing i'll be jealous of will happen when he isn't around me... and if it makes me jealous I'm being dumb, because its been almost a year and a half.
I need to realize that people like me and I have friends, I can call them if I'm bored because, maybe they are bored too! If they are we can fix it together! If they are busy... oh well maybe they will call me next time they are bored!
I need to stop being such a fucking hypocrite. Speak my mind. And quit agreeing with people to fit in. If I don't fit in... I still have people that like me.
I need to stop telling myself that other people are worse to make me feel better about some things. I should want to be the best at everything, the best I can be in dancing, the best girlfriend to Dan (cuz he is the best to me and deserves more from me), the best friend I can be to my friends, the best sister to my sister, and daughter to my parents. The last two I think I am, they understand I'm busy, I call a lot a week, I go home for family functions (which I don't need to bring Dan too, next time I'll make sure there is more for him there) and I attend my sisters meets when I can.
This is making me feel better about myself. For those of you who read thank you. I love all of you... even if I don't show it or am moody sometimes.. I'm not good with showing my feelings, and I just wanted you to know that.
As for that I'm proud to say that I've been reading a lot lately and really enjoying it! Thanks Dan for my books. I still haven't been eating right and I'm sure that isn't help me get better in dance. My concert is 2 weeks from this weekend! Come see! :) I'm happy. But today was just a rough mental day for Aud. Tomorrow will be better.
Aud