[Fanfic] Hurt
Title: Hurt
Pairing: Yehyuk
Rating: PG
Genre: AU, Angst, Romance
Length: One-shot, 2,309 words
Summary: Hyukjae, when are you going to realise that everything’s not alright, not okay at all, if you do everything alone?
I could only imagine, as if it was a dream; we were not allowed to collide, as though we are a pair of balloons.
The lecture room was always divided into two parts - the dark area and the bright area. The bright area had a bigger proportion than the dark. The right side of the room was always full of laughter and cheers while the left side of the room was always quiet and unnoticeable. You, who were the center of attraction in the brighter side, were the biggest dream that I’ve ever wanted - a dream that’s far-fetched, a dream with audacity.
We hardly talked, we hardly got in contact and if we ever had our eyes met, you would put on a warm smile and I would just respond back expressionlessly. We had no reason to get acquainted with each other, we had no reason to start a conversation, we had nothing to start, letting alone for it to end, and we lived in different worlds.
A loud burst pierced into my ears and when I turned back to look for the source of the sound, you passed by my vision and the next thing I saw was some art students performing magic with balloons. The balloons were pressed together, they were blown and a rose appeared. We were like the two balloons, if we were to be in contact with each other, we would explode.
It’s simple to express your initial feelings, but if you were to admit those feelings we had together, it’s hard; just having a little uneasiness would make it dwell in your heart forever.
“Um,” I poked your shoulders carefully. “They are locking the doors.” As much as I did not want my voice to echo in the empty lecture room, I brought down my volume to the least audibility.
You turned your head to me and opened your eyes. You blinked a couple of times to adapt the sudden intrusion of the lights into your eyes. Head still resting on your arms, you inhaled deeply, blinked several times at me and smiled.
“Are you free after this?”
I asked for your pardon and you repeated.
We went out.
-
It felt warm if it’s just the two of us, but a different story surfaced when we were in the university. Until I’d realised it, going to the university everyday had became a miser. I was afraid of going and I was afraid to see you.
We had morning classes, you stood at the main entrance, apparently waiting for me, and you stretched your hand out to me when I was getting close. But I tried to ignore it and continued to move on. It tormented me a lot; it felt as though my lungs had malfunctioned, I couldn’t take in any oxygen. You held me from behind and smiled at me when I looked back. Your gums were showing and you didn’t have a slight hint of unhappiness. You had our fingers intertwined and led us to our class.
Your appearance was bright - your hair, your skin, your dressing and your aura - they were all shiny and sparkling to the surrounding. On the contrary, I was dull - my hair, my skin, my dressing and my aura - they were so inconspicuous that they would not leave a significant impression in most of the people. The crowd started glimpsing at us, I tried to free my hand from yours, but I couldn’t seem to - you held me tight and walked forward unwaveringly - as if trying hard to tell me that it’s alright, it’ll be alright.
It’s not that I couldn’t afford to love but it’s just that I couldn’t afford to get hurt; we, who only knew how to persist on a weak romance, didn’t know who was the one neglected the limits of our own strength.
“Hyukjae-ah!” I freed myself when you were caught up.
You looked at me and frowned, but I moved away from the crowd you were gathering.
-
“Jongwoon-ah.”
I ignored and sped up my way in the corridors of the building of our faculty.
“Jongwoon,”
I did not hear it.
“Kim Jongwoon.” You grabbed my wrist roughly. “Stop escaping.”
I didn’t dare to look back. I was afraid - I couldn’t afford to.
“I’m…” I breathed. “Not.”
You looped your arms around my waist from the back.
“I was the one who fell for you, so it’s alright, it’s alright.”
It’s not alright… at all.
-
The cicadas shrilled out for the summer. You said it was the best time to swim, but I couldn’t swim, so it was suggested that you’d teach me, but I said it’d be weird and you replied, it’s alright. When are you going to realise that everything’s not alright at all?
We chose a simple pool which was indoors, a neat and a clean and a regular one that nobody would usually go to during vacations. We soaked ourselves in the pool and you looked at me and laughed.
“Jongwoon, you can be really stoical at times.”
“Uh?” I relaxed a little.
“Cute.” You messed my hair and threw yourself to me. “I love you.”
Your fair skin had a huge contrast with mine. I tried to place my arms on your back, but I couldn’t. I grabbed your shoulders and pulled us apart. I told you we should start swimming.
Our love was like a cup of coffee that was sweetened constantly; as though an unprepared bitter kiss.
“Ugh, I can’t handle this.” You grumbled before leaning your back to the sofa and sipping on the cold coffee that was brewed about three hours ago. “Jongwoon-ah, you’d completed all the assignments already?”
I nodded and sat beside you.
“How did you do it?” Eyes widened, you straightened your back and faced me.
I shrugged.
“Geez, Jongwoon, you have to realise the measures I go to just to let you mouth a single word. You’re not even mute, don’t act like one.”
I smiled faintly.
“Jongwoon-ahhhhhhhh,” You dragged my name before burying your head in my arms. “I want to snuggle.” You laughed idiotically and rubbed your cheeks against my stomach, totally resembling a puppy.
It was then I realised that my shirt was getting wet. I was wearing a basic tank top so it was thin and I could feel it - your tears. I turned my head back and dropped a couple of tears before cleaning them away. You stood up and yawned.
“I think I should get going now, I’m sleepy.” You were trying not to frown. “Goodnight.” You pulled my arm and we kissed.
When you left, tears fell uncontrollably.
We were only accepting the touching embraces, unwilling to cry on each other, because it hurts our pride; this kind of sorrow could only relate to this ending.
The next day you came to my apartment again. Continuing your undone assignments, the coffee that was brewed hours ago was sitting said on the coffee table, still untouched. I sat beside you while watching you.
“Aren’t you tired?” I kept my legs and secured them with my arms.
“Aren’t you tired?” You had a glance of the coffee and focused back to the laptop screen. “You’ve been watching me all day.”
“No.” I rested my chin on my knees.
“Then ‘no’ for me too.” You giggled.
“Hyukjae,” I pursed my lips. “You’re like a dream.”
“What?” You looked at me for a second and looked back to the screen again. “What dream?” You ignored the computer work and faced me.
“A beautiful nightmare.”
“Huh?” You brought up your upper lip. “I don’t get you.”
I sniffed, trying to drive away the ticklish feeling in my nose.
“We will be… alright, right?”
“Yeah!” You smiled and you frowned. “But I’ll not be alright if you don’t assist me in completing this assignment that’s due tomorrow.”
Our break was over, and the tormenting days started counting again.
It’s not that I didn’t love you but it’s just that I couldn’t afford to get hurt.
After our lecture we met in the library. You were with your cliques and I was alone with my study materials. I was glad that you kept our promise for not disclosing our relationship, but I felt that you were unreachable when you were with the crowd. Hyukjae-ah, we will be alright, right?
Our eyes met, but I diverted my attention away when you tried to smile at me - and again, I was afraid. I was afraid that after being loved for too long, I would forget how to love someone. So Hyukjae-ah, stop drowning me with your love, I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t.
-
“Jongwoon, you know, you should stop deciding things on your own.” Your voice echoed in this empty indoors swimming pool. Not a single soul was there except the both of us.
I remained silent.
“You make everything sounds like I’m the last person to know.”
I thought he was going to continue speaking.
“Am I not an important existence to you?”
Yes, you are.
“Jongwoon,” You paused and tried to adjust your emotion. “Jongwoon, you are…” You started to frown. “You’re an important existence to me.” And you started crying.
Your expressions implied everything you felt. They were simple and genuine - too simple, too genuine that I couldn’t bear to break it; I didn’t dare to touch it.
“When are you going to leave? Paris...” You sniffed.
“Next week.”
“This is how early you’re telling me this.” You wiped your tears with your fingers.
“Sorry.”
“Sorry.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry.”
“…”
“This is the maximum extent of your speaking ability.”
“That’s why in the first place we shouldn’t be together.”
You looked and me and breathed out a laugh.
“You really can voice that sentence stoically.” Feeling absurd, you continued. “Right everything’s my fault. It’s my fault for confessing, it’s my fault for loving you and it’s my fault for not asking your opinion in this relationship at all.”
“That’s not it…”
“You don’t speak, how should I know? You refused to have an open-relationship, you refused to walk into my naked heart and you refused to love me. All you did was avoiding, escaping and - ”
“That’s not it!” I snapped. “All along you were thinking that you were the one who fell for me; it’s my fault for not telling you that you existed like one of my dreams before we went out, and even until now, you still are. You do not know that how much euphoria I felt when you confessed but on the other hand, I was afraid. You’ll never know because we really live in different worlds. You do not know how much I wanted to love you but all you did was giving me so much love. I was spoilt, too spoilt by your excessive love that I couldn’t breathe. It’s not that I do not love you, but the fear of getting hurt is multiplying inside me. I couldn’t afford to get hurt, and I don’t wish to get hurt - that’s how selfish I am. But I didn’t want you to get hurt too, so I thought we shouldn’t sink into this dream too deeply. I was afraid that it will turn out like a nightmare.”
You looked lost.
“I think we should think things over again. Do you really think that searching for perfection in love will not hurt anyone of us?”
Your face was then drenched with tears. You wiped them away once, but they continued to fall. They weren’t stopping.
“That’s not it…” You shook your head hesitantly. “That’s not it…” You pulled me out of the water and we walked along the length of the pool. We stopped by at the other end of the pool. You held my hand tightly and moved backward.
“This indicates what will happen if you let me go.” You swallowed. “But I’ll give you a chance, if you dive in and bring me up; it’ll mean that you still wanted to salvage this relationship.”
“Hyukjae-ah,”
“Let me go…” I was the one who’s holding your hand tightly now. “I won’t drown.”
“Stop playing games.”
“You loved me didn’t you? We loved each other, why couldn’t we love normally? What’s with your problem? Were those opinions of the public that important? They are strangers. They have nothing to do with us. Why can’t we just live for each other?”
“You belonged to them.”
“But I’ve always thought that I belong to you!” This sentence made the loudest echo in the pool. “Didn’t you think the same way too?”
I lowered down my head.
“Who…” A tear fell. “Am I, to think of that?”
You freed your hand away from mine and grasped on my wrist. The both of us fell into the pool together. You clung on me and we hugged. As if thoughts were all vanished when we were in the pool, we relaxed our bodies and continued to sink further down. And the next thing I realised was the both of us facing each other, feet standing on the ground in the pool, hugging.
“We will treat every moment that we will be spending like those few seconds when we were inside the water, just the two of us. I don’t want a perfect love; I just want your love. If you think that I’m drowning you with my love, you drown me with yours too. If you can’t afford to get hurt, I’ll shoulder everything for you. I’m okay if you’re with me, I’m okay even if you do not love me more than I do, I’m okay even if you blame me for everything, I’m okay - ”
I forced my lips on you.
Hyukjae, when are you going to realise that everything’s not alright, not okay at all, if you do everything alone?
A/n: As usual, the italics are the lyrics. n_n Song used is Can't afford to get hurt by Yisa Yu. I find that the lyrics of this song is really well-written - but the sad thing is that I could've mistranslated them ;A; But if you know Chinese you can check it out, it's very heart-wrenching
P/s: Somebody said I should write more song fics - I think I betrayed her trust D8
Pairing: Yehyuk
Rating: PG
Genre: AU, Angst, Romance
Length: One-shot, 2,309 words
Summary: Hyukjae, when are you going to realise that everything’s not alright, not okay at all, if you do everything alone?
I could only imagine, as if it was a dream; we were not allowed to collide, as though we are a pair of balloons.
The lecture room was always divided into two parts - the dark area and the bright area. The bright area had a bigger proportion than the dark. The right side of the room was always full of laughter and cheers while the left side of the room was always quiet and unnoticeable. You, who were the center of attraction in the brighter side, were the biggest dream that I’ve ever wanted - a dream that’s far-fetched, a dream with audacity.
We hardly talked, we hardly got in contact and if we ever had our eyes met, you would put on a warm smile and I would just respond back expressionlessly. We had no reason to get acquainted with each other, we had no reason to start a conversation, we had nothing to start, letting alone for it to end, and we lived in different worlds.
A loud burst pierced into my ears and when I turned back to look for the source of the sound, you passed by my vision and the next thing I saw was some art students performing magic with balloons. The balloons were pressed together, they were blown and a rose appeared. We were like the two balloons, if we were to be in contact with each other, we would explode.
It’s simple to express your initial feelings, but if you were to admit those feelings we had together, it’s hard; just having a little uneasiness would make it dwell in your heart forever.
“Um,” I poked your shoulders carefully. “They are locking the doors.” As much as I did not want my voice to echo in the empty lecture room, I brought down my volume to the least audibility.
You turned your head to me and opened your eyes. You blinked a couple of times to adapt the sudden intrusion of the lights into your eyes. Head still resting on your arms, you inhaled deeply, blinked several times at me and smiled.
“Are you free after this?”
I asked for your pardon and you repeated.
We went out.
-
It felt warm if it’s just the two of us, but a different story surfaced when we were in the university. Until I’d realised it, going to the university everyday had became a miser. I was afraid of going and I was afraid to see you.
We had morning classes, you stood at the main entrance, apparently waiting for me, and you stretched your hand out to me when I was getting close. But I tried to ignore it and continued to move on. It tormented me a lot; it felt as though my lungs had malfunctioned, I couldn’t take in any oxygen. You held me from behind and smiled at me when I looked back. Your gums were showing and you didn’t have a slight hint of unhappiness. You had our fingers intertwined and led us to our class.
Your appearance was bright - your hair, your skin, your dressing and your aura - they were all shiny and sparkling to the surrounding. On the contrary, I was dull - my hair, my skin, my dressing and my aura - they were so inconspicuous that they would not leave a significant impression in most of the people. The crowd started glimpsing at us, I tried to free my hand from yours, but I couldn’t seem to - you held me tight and walked forward unwaveringly - as if trying hard to tell me that it’s alright, it’ll be alright.
It’s not that I couldn’t afford to love but it’s just that I couldn’t afford to get hurt; we, who only knew how to persist on a weak romance, didn’t know who was the one neglected the limits of our own strength.
“Hyukjae-ah!” I freed myself when you were caught up.
You looked at me and frowned, but I moved away from the crowd you were gathering.
-
“Jongwoon-ah.”
I ignored and sped up my way in the corridors of the building of our faculty.
“Jongwoon,”
I did not hear it.
“Kim Jongwoon.” You grabbed my wrist roughly. “Stop escaping.”
I didn’t dare to look back. I was afraid - I couldn’t afford to.
“I’m…” I breathed. “Not.”
You looped your arms around my waist from the back.
“I was the one who fell for you, so it’s alright, it’s alright.”
It’s not alright… at all.
-
The cicadas shrilled out for the summer. You said it was the best time to swim, but I couldn’t swim, so it was suggested that you’d teach me, but I said it’d be weird and you replied, it’s alright. When are you going to realise that everything’s not alright at all?
We chose a simple pool which was indoors, a neat and a clean and a regular one that nobody would usually go to during vacations. We soaked ourselves in the pool and you looked at me and laughed.
“Jongwoon, you can be really stoical at times.”
“Uh?” I relaxed a little.
“Cute.” You messed my hair and threw yourself to me. “I love you.”
Your fair skin had a huge contrast with mine. I tried to place my arms on your back, but I couldn’t. I grabbed your shoulders and pulled us apart. I told you we should start swimming.
Our love was like a cup of coffee that was sweetened constantly; as though an unprepared bitter kiss.
“Ugh, I can’t handle this.” You grumbled before leaning your back to the sofa and sipping on the cold coffee that was brewed about three hours ago. “Jongwoon-ah, you’d completed all the assignments already?”
I nodded and sat beside you.
“How did you do it?” Eyes widened, you straightened your back and faced me.
I shrugged.
“Geez, Jongwoon, you have to realise the measures I go to just to let you mouth a single word. You’re not even mute, don’t act like one.”
I smiled faintly.
“Jongwoon-ahhhhhhhh,” You dragged my name before burying your head in my arms. “I want to snuggle.” You laughed idiotically and rubbed your cheeks against my stomach, totally resembling a puppy.
It was then I realised that my shirt was getting wet. I was wearing a basic tank top so it was thin and I could feel it - your tears. I turned my head back and dropped a couple of tears before cleaning them away. You stood up and yawned.
“I think I should get going now, I’m sleepy.” You were trying not to frown. “Goodnight.” You pulled my arm and we kissed.
When you left, tears fell uncontrollably.
We were only accepting the touching embraces, unwilling to cry on each other, because it hurts our pride; this kind of sorrow could only relate to this ending.
The next day you came to my apartment again. Continuing your undone assignments, the coffee that was brewed hours ago was sitting said on the coffee table, still untouched. I sat beside you while watching you.
“Aren’t you tired?” I kept my legs and secured them with my arms.
“Aren’t you tired?” You had a glance of the coffee and focused back to the laptop screen. “You’ve been watching me all day.”
“No.” I rested my chin on my knees.
“Then ‘no’ for me too.” You giggled.
“Hyukjae,” I pursed my lips. “You’re like a dream.”
“What?” You looked at me for a second and looked back to the screen again. “What dream?” You ignored the computer work and faced me.
“A beautiful nightmare.”
“Huh?” You brought up your upper lip. “I don’t get you.”
I sniffed, trying to drive away the ticklish feeling in my nose.
“We will be… alright, right?”
“Yeah!” You smiled and you frowned. “But I’ll not be alright if you don’t assist me in completing this assignment that’s due tomorrow.”
Our break was over, and the tormenting days started counting again.
It’s not that I didn’t love you but it’s just that I couldn’t afford to get hurt.
After our lecture we met in the library. You were with your cliques and I was alone with my study materials. I was glad that you kept our promise for not disclosing our relationship, but I felt that you were unreachable when you were with the crowd. Hyukjae-ah, we will be alright, right?
Our eyes met, but I diverted my attention away when you tried to smile at me - and again, I was afraid. I was afraid that after being loved for too long, I would forget how to love someone. So Hyukjae-ah, stop drowning me with your love, I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t.
-
“Jongwoon, you know, you should stop deciding things on your own.” Your voice echoed in this empty indoors swimming pool. Not a single soul was there except the both of us.
I remained silent.
“You make everything sounds like I’m the last person to know.”
I thought he was going to continue speaking.
“Am I not an important existence to you?”
Yes, you are.
“Jongwoon,” You paused and tried to adjust your emotion. “Jongwoon, you are…” You started to frown. “You’re an important existence to me.” And you started crying.
Your expressions implied everything you felt. They were simple and genuine - too simple, too genuine that I couldn’t bear to break it; I didn’t dare to touch it.
“When are you going to leave? Paris...” You sniffed.
“Next week.”
“This is how early you’re telling me this.” You wiped your tears with your fingers.
“Sorry.”
“Sorry.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry.”
“…”
“This is the maximum extent of your speaking ability.”
“That’s why in the first place we shouldn’t be together.”
You looked and me and breathed out a laugh.
“You really can voice that sentence stoically.” Feeling absurd, you continued. “Right everything’s my fault. It’s my fault for confessing, it’s my fault for loving you and it’s my fault for not asking your opinion in this relationship at all.”
“That’s not it…”
“You don’t speak, how should I know? You refused to have an open-relationship, you refused to walk into my naked heart and you refused to love me. All you did was avoiding, escaping and - ”
“That’s not it!” I snapped. “All along you were thinking that you were the one who fell for me; it’s my fault for not telling you that you existed like one of my dreams before we went out, and even until now, you still are. You do not know that how much euphoria I felt when you confessed but on the other hand, I was afraid. You’ll never know because we really live in different worlds. You do not know how much I wanted to love you but all you did was giving me so much love. I was spoilt, too spoilt by your excessive love that I couldn’t breathe. It’s not that I do not love you, but the fear of getting hurt is multiplying inside me. I couldn’t afford to get hurt, and I don’t wish to get hurt - that’s how selfish I am. But I didn’t want you to get hurt too, so I thought we shouldn’t sink into this dream too deeply. I was afraid that it will turn out like a nightmare.”
You looked lost.
“I think we should think things over again. Do you really think that searching for perfection in love will not hurt anyone of us?”
Your face was then drenched with tears. You wiped them away once, but they continued to fall. They weren’t stopping.
“That’s not it…” You shook your head hesitantly. “That’s not it…” You pulled me out of the water and we walked along the length of the pool. We stopped by at the other end of the pool. You held my hand tightly and moved backward.
“This indicates what will happen if you let me go.” You swallowed. “But I’ll give you a chance, if you dive in and bring me up; it’ll mean that you still wanted to salvage this relationship.”
“Hyukjae-ah,”
“Let me go…” I was the one who’s holding your hand tightly now. “I won’t drown.”
“Stop playing games.”
“You loved me didn’t you? We loved each other, why couldn’t we love normally? What’s with your problem? Were those opinions of the public that important? They are strangers. They have nothing to do with us. Why can’t we just live for each other?”
“You belonged to them.”
“But I’ve always thought that I belong to you!” This sentence made the loudest echo in the pool. “Didn’t you think the same way too?”
I lowered down my head.
“Who…” A tear fell. “Am I, to think of that?”
You freed your hand away from mine and grasped on my wrist. The both of us fell into the pool together. You clung on me and we hugged. As if thoughts were all vanished when we were in the pool, we relaxed our bodies and continued to sink further down. And the next thing I realised was the both of us facing each other, feet standing on the ground in the pool, hugging.
“We will treat every moment that we will be spending like those few seconds when we were inside the water, just the two of us. I don’t want a perfect love; I just want your love. If you think that I’m drowning you with my love, you drown me with yours too. If you can’t afford to get hurt, I’ll shoulder everything for you. I’m okay if you’re with me, I’m okay even if you do not love me more than I do, I’m okay even if you blame me for everything, I’m okay - ”
I forced my lips on you.
Hyukjae, when are you going to realise that everything’s not alright, not okay at all, if you do everything alone?
A/n: As usual, the italics are the lyrics. n_n Song used is Can't afford to get hurt by Yisa Yu. I find that the lyrics of this song is really well-written - but the sad thing is that I could've mistranslated them ;A; But if you know Chinese you can check it out, it's very heart-wrenching
P/s: Somebody said I should write more song fics - I think I betrayed her trust D8