not what i was expecting....
After having a very good conversation with a collegue yesterday, my life and what I thought has been thrown up in the air. I feel like I am back to where I was a year ago, not knowing what the future held after June. I know that I cannot stay at EMU Hillel if Clara continues to be my boss, I cannot stay at EMU Hillel if I am getting the salary and benefits I am receiving right now. I need supervision, I need benefits, I need the salary compensation for the work I do. I know that this is Jewish communal service work, the pay won't be amazing, but I found out that I am one of the lowest paid Program Associates in the entire Hillel system, yet I do the work of a Program Director, and Director of Engagement and sometimes Assistant Director. Yes, my Hillel is small, yes we are a two person staff running at a capacity for at least three if not four. Something needs to change. I need to decide if I want to stop working for Hillel for one year, and finish my teaching certificate, taking a full load and getting a shitty part time job. Then decide after student teaching and spending thousands of dollars, what I want or start looking at Hillels outside Michigan to apply and potentially move to. I know that I need to leave Michigan for one year, I need to do it, I didn't get my chance to leave five years ago after high school. I need that now. Yet, I don't want to leave just yet.
I like living with my parents, I like living in FH for the time being, I like being close to my grandparents and being able to just go over whenever. I like being close just in case something happens. I couldn't live with myself if I wasn't here if G-D forbid something happen to my Papa or Grandma. They're both getting older, Papa's Parkinsons isn't getting any better, I want to spend as much time with them as I possibly can before they're gone. It sounds slightly ridiculous, but I would have so much guilt if I wasn't here. I know there's nothing I can do to make his illness any better, but I make him smile and even that one smile a day reminds me that although Parkinsons has taken what I remember my Papa being like, he's still in there, somewhere. Its a very scary thought to think that I could get up and walk away from everything I know. I would only be a plane ride away...do I have that in me? Is it possible that I could leave Detroit, leave Michigan and be ok? Is it possible to figure myself out, just when I thought I had it all figured out?
Bottom line: Do I want to be a teacher or not? And if not...where do I want to live next year?
I like living with my parents, I like living in FH for the time being, I like being close to my grandparents and being able to just go over whenever. I like being close just in case something happens. I couldn't live with myself if I wasn't here if G-D forbid something happen to my Papa or Grandma. They're both getting older, Papa's Parkinsons isn't getting any better, I want to spend as much time with them as I possibly can before they're gone. It sounds slightly ridiculous, but I would have so much guilt if I wasn't here. I know there's nothing I can do to make his illness any better, but I make him smile and even that one smile a day reminds me that although Parkinsons has taken what I remember my Papa being like, he's still in there, somewhere. Its a very scary thought to think that I could get up and walk away from everything I know. I would only be a plane ride away...do I have that in me? Is it possible that I could leave Detroit, leave Michigan and be ok? Is it possible to figure myself out, just when I thought I had it all figured out?
Bottom line: Do I want to be a teacher or not? And if not...where do I want to live next year?