(no subject)
An excerpt from this evening’s telephone conversation with my dad:
“Naunny didn’t tell you what happened at church today?”
“No I just asked her about how to make chicken soup and we chatted for a while.”
“Oh man. Wait till you hear this… So at 9:30 mass this morning, there was a rustle in the back of the church between the first and second reading…”
At this point, I’m thinking about what could have happened with a rustle… old ladies have been known to pass out, but that is because of the summer heat and a lack of an air conditioner in our old church... today was cold and rainy.
“So a majority of the people just ignored the noise. All of a sudden, there was a guy running down the center aisle BUTT NAKED!”
“Was he wearing shoes?”
I ran into a fat naked guy wearing nothing but a Scream mask, black socks and a pair of white gym shoes on a walk to the corner store to get eggs for my 8th grade Halloween… the result was 5 screaming girls running into the Superette.
“No he was totally naked!”
“What did he look like? How old was he? What was his deal?”
“I’d say about thirty… he had a big butt… not a fat guy though…. Dark hair… I only saw his butt since we were all facing forward. Wally Brendel [one of the ushers] and the old usher with a beard ran full speed down the aisle to catch him. Wally almost grabbed him, but he got away. The guy ended up going all the way up to the altar, ran across the altar and into the sacristy. Wally and the guy with the beard ran right after him. One of the other ushers sprinted to the side to cover the door. The best part is that Deacon Dorgan got up and ran off to the sacristy too!”
Deacon Dorgan is a sweet old man who lives with his wife in a house down the street from the church….
“Oh man DEACON DORGAN!!! Robes flying everywhere!!!!?!?”
“Yeah, it was hilarious!! Then about a minute later, a cop walked in the back door, the same door that the guy walked through, and asked where he went. Everyone said ‘walk up the aisle and to the left he’s right there.’ So he calmly and slowly walked down the center aisle and once he got to the altar, he genuflected! Then he walked up the steps and took a left. They got him because no one left the church.”
“That’s the best part - a genuflection? How reverent, God bless him!”
“Yeah it was pretty weird… no one gasped or anything like that. It was silent for the most part.”
“No one knew what to do! They had no time to react!”
“Yeah. Poor Liz… she turned around when she heard the initial noise and saw everything!”
“Oh man, full frontal!?!”
“I didn’t ask for specifics, but….”
“That’s insane how gross! Why did he do it? Did anyone ever find out?”
“No, no one knows why. He might have been a guy from the Reed center, who knows!”
The Reed center is a mental health home…. One of the deacons volunteers there - Mr. Stubstad, also a Jr. High teacher who is notorious for stained pits.
“Maybe the guy was mad at Stainer and he was getting some sort of revenge… he hopped on the Irving bus or something!”
“Who knows…..? It was totally weird… Lizzy goes to school with that Brendel boy and has a class with him, so she’s gonna get the scoop from him…. Find out what really happened.”
“Yeah we should compare the real story with the Portage Park Times story… Oh man how gross!”
“Yeah today while we were at the family party I made Liz tell the story every time someone arrived since she saw the whole thing.”
Here's a link to a picture of the center aisle from the back door... He ran into the doorway right behind that statue on the left side of the altar:
http://www.stpascal.org/Tour/CenterDoors.htm
* * * I will keep everyone posted as I get reports. * * *
“Naunny didn’t tell you what happened at church today?”
“No I just asked her about how to make chicken soup and we chatted for a while.”
“Oh man. Wait till you hear this… So at 9:30 mass this morning, there was a rustle in the back of the church between the first and second reading…”
At this point, I’m thinking about what could have happened with a rustle… old ladies have been known to pass out, but that is because of the summer heat and a lack of an air conditioner in our old church... today was cold and rainy.
“So a majority of the people just ignored the noise. All of a sudden, there was a guy running down the center aisle BUTT NAKED!”
“Was he wearing shoes?”
I ran into a fat naked guy wearing nothing but a Scream mask, black socks and a pair of white gym shoes on a walk to the corner store to get eggs for my 8th grade Halloween… the result was 5 screaming girls running into the Superette.
“No he was totally naked!”
“What did he look like? How old was he? What was his deal?”
“I’d say about thirty… he had a big butt… not a fat guy though…. Dark hair… I only saw his butt since we were all facing forward. Wally Brendel [one of the ushers] and the old usher with a beard ran full speed down the aisle to catch him. Wally almost grabbed him, but he got away. The guy ended up going all the way up to the altar, ran across the altar and into the sacristy. Wally and the guy with the beard ran right after him. One of the other ushers sprinted to the side to cover the door. The best part is that Deacon Dorgan got up and ran off to the sacristy too!”
Deacon Dorgan is a sweet old man who lives with his wife in a house down the street from the church….
“Oh man DEACON DORGAN!!! Robes flying everywhere!!!!?!?”
“Yeah, it was hilarious!! Then about a minute later, a cop walked in the back door, the same door that the guy walked through, and asked where he went. Everyone said ‘walk up the aisle and to the left he’s right there.’ So he calmly and slowly walked down the center aisle and once he got to the altar, he genuflected! Then he walked up the steps and took a left. They got him because no one left the church.”
“That’s the best part - a genuflection? How reverent, God bless him!”
“Yeah it was pretty weird… no one gasped or anything like that. It was silent for the most part.”
“No one knew what to do! They had no time to react!”
“Yeah. Poor Liz… she turned around when she heard the initial noise and saw everything!”
“Oh man, full frontal!?!”
“I didn’t ask for specifics, but….”
“That’s insane how gross! Why did he do it? Did anyone ever find out?”
“No, no one knows why. He might have been a guy from the Reed center, who knows!”
The Reed center is a mental health home…. One of the deacons volunteers there - Mr. Stubstad, also a Jr. High teacher who is notorious for stained pits.
“Maybe the guy was mad at Stainer and he was getting some sort of revenge… he hopped on the Irving bus or something!”
“Who knows…..? It was totally weird… Lizzy goes to school with that Brendel boy and has a class with him, so she’s gonna get the scoop from him…. Find out what really happened.”
“Yeah we should compare the real story with the Portage Park Times story… Oh man how gross!”
“Yeah today while we were at the family party I made Liz tell the story every time someone arrived since she saw the whole thing.”
Here's a link to a picture of the center aisle from the back door... He ran into the doorway right behind that statue on the left side of the altar:
http://www.stpascal.org/Tour/CenterDoors.htm
* * * I will keep everyone posted as I get reports. * * *