U of I... ... ...i'm nervous
It almost feels like we never left for winter break. Here i am, typing at my laptop, looking out at the darkened campus below. girls are talking and laughing underneath my window. loudly. Tomorrow is my first day of classes this semester (i didn't have any today- they got canceled), and i'm not nearly as nervous/excited as i was last time. i guess that makes sense.
I am enthused about being productive again. i suppose that won't take very long to wear off. I was strangely productive today, even with my lack of scheduled obligations. I played piano again for the first time since november. for an hour... and my left hand has threatened never to speak to me again. maybe i should have eased it back in. whoops. i also read a bunch of my book (the Historian) and am getting close to finishing it! it is excellent. thanks to sam and ashley for scheduling the reading time this afternoon. after a fun group dinner across campus and an excruciatingly hard-to-watch episode of American Idol, i spent some time in my sketchbook. a habit i'm trying to bring myself back to, as i failed miserably at it last semester.
I missed our room terribly. it's a much happier space than my room at home, even if it is less familiar. and it is made even more happy by the presence of the "darth tater" (a Darth Vader Mr. Potato Head) that graces the top of my printer. Thanks kelsey! *hugs*
my messy habits are already making themselves known, however. i need to get on that quick, before i have no friends left.
Aquafresh Whitening Mint Experience toothpaste is EXCELLENT.
i feel like i haven't had a meaningful conversation with anyone in a very long time. i think my emotionally-satisfied reservior is drying up to dust. and that's not to say that my conversations with people are meaningless. that's not what i meant. when i say meaningful, i mean "in depth." something that means alot to me and does more than scratch the surface. i feel like there is something building up inside of me and i don't know how to let it out. and i'm not accusing anyone or anything. i don't know what i would talk about even if i was given the chance. it just seems like an awfully long time since i've had a long conversation that has just kind of had that cleasing effect- a catharsis is needed. and soon. i don't know who or when it needs to come to. but i feel like if I don't find a way to let it out of me, i may explode.
*sigh* i like living on my own. but i hate that there isn't anywhere to place the blame. i can't come up with excuses not to do things as easily. i can't blame my parents or not having a car. if i don't feel up to doing something, i have to take responsibility. i think that may cause me to be spending alot of time doing things i'm not happy with, just because i feel bad not doing them. does that make sense? grr. i'm feeling like i'm working my life around making other people happy, just because i'll be upset if they aren't. something needs to be done about that.
I've decided that i need to find a pen pal. Someone that is impartial, and far far away. Then, i can clear my mind without any reservations. i need that. does anyone know how to go about doing that?? i haven't had a pen pal in a long time, and i'd like to find one that's not an 8 year old girl. Because i miss a relationship that they always show teenage girls having in the movies or they talk about in books. where they tell each other *everything* and they get excited over the tiniest victories in each other's lives. they aren't shy around each other and they aren't afriad to be honest. do those exist in real life? it's been so long, i feel like i can't remember. i know i had one long ago. or at least, i think i did. how did that fall apart? was it ever really that perfect in the first place?
I'm discovering so much about myself in the last few months.
it's exciting.
but it's very scary.
i think it's making me a more confident person, though.
...and i needed that.
I am enthused about being productive again. i suppose that won't take very long to wear off. I was strangely productive today, even with my lack of scheduled obligations. I played piano again for the first time since november. for an hour... and my left hand has threatened never to speak to me again. maybe i should have eased it back in. whoops. i also read a bunch of my book (the Historian) and am getting close to finishing it! it is excellent. thanks to sam and ashley for scheduling the reading time this afternoon. after a fun group dinner across campus and an excruciatingly hard-to-watch episode of American Idol, i spent some time in my sketchbook. a habit i'm trying to bring myself back to, as i failed miserably at it last semester.
I missed our room terribly. it's a much happier space than my room at home, even if it is less familiar. and it is made even more happy by the presence of the "darth tater" (a Darth Vader Mr. Potato Head) that graces the top of my printer. Thanks kelsey! *hugs*
my messy habits are already making themselves known, however. i need to get on that quick, before i have no friends left.
Aquafresh Whitening Mint Experience toothpaste is EXCELLENT.
i feel like i haven't had a meaningful conversation with anyone in a very long time. i think my emotionally-satisfied reservior is drying up to dust. and that's not to say that my conversations with people are meaningless. that's not what i meant. when i say meaningful, i mean "in depth." something that means alot to me and does more than scratch the surface. i feel like there is something building up inside of me and i don't know how to let it out. and i'm not accusing anyone or anything. i don't know what i would talk about even if i was given the chance. it just seems like an awfully long time since i've had a long conversation that has just kind of had that cleasing effect- a catharsis is needed. and soon. i don't know who or when it needs to come to. but i feel like if I don't find a way to let it out of me, i may explode.
*sigh* i like living on my own. but i hate that there isn't anywhere to place the blame. i can't come up with excuses not to do things as easily. i can't blame my parents or not having a car. if i don't feel up to doing something, i have to take responsibility. i think that may cause me to be spending alot of time doing things i'm not happy with, just because i feel bad not doing them. does that make sense? grr. i'm feeling like i'm working my life around making other people happy, just because i'll be upset if they aren't. something needs to be done about that.
I've decided that i need to find a pen pal. Someone that is impartial, and far far away. Then, i can clear my mind without any reservations. i need that. does anyone know how to go about doing that?? i haven't had a pen pal in a long time, and i'd like to find one that's not an 8 year old girl. Because i miss a relationship that they always show teenage girls having in the movies or they talk about in books. where they tell each other *everything* and they get excited over the tiniest victories in each other's lives. they aren't shy around each other and they aren't afriad to be honest. do those exist in real life? it's been so long, i feel like i can't remember. i know i had one long ago. or at least, i think i did. how did that fall apart? was it ever really that perfect in the first place?
I'm discovering so much about myself in the last few months.
it's exciting.
but it's very scary.
i think it's making me a more confident person, though.
...and i needed that.