Why am I not happy?
I have finished the first draft of my 
sgareversebang story. (Such gorgeous art I got to work from, I hope the artist is pleased with the story in the end.) What a relief. Having finished other things provided no belief that I would ever finish anything again. Probably because I got my first flame. A tiny little one. Like a matchstick. But it stung and it froze me up good - if I hadn't been nearly done and honor-bound to finish, I'm not sure I would have.
I used to have a thick skin. Now, one shitty email and every ounce of confidence I had in my fanfic is gone. I hate that one person's opinion, not even expressed in a way I could respect, is still bothering me so much. It's just I don't have any reserves anymore. I know that, but knowing and feeling have this huge chasm between them. Fandom and writing have been my pleasure and escape and the place I go to replenish myself for years now, a hobby I didn't need to feel any guilt over because it cost nothing except my time. Now that well is contaminated.
Everything I've ever intended to write, I have no interest in starting or finishing. Everything I have written, I'm looking at and wondering how many people hate it and wish I'd just disappear from the Internet.
If you do feel that way, btw, why the hell are you reading this?
I told myself if I could finish the
sgareversebang story in time, I would sign up for the Atlantis Big Bang (sign ups still open until the 31st), but I hate dropping out and I suspect I might. I don't know if I want to do it or if I want to do it because I did it before.
The wifey sent me candy. I told myself I could eat it if I finished. Imma do that now. Sugar fucking therapy, right? Just don't say things get better. As far as I can tell, nothing ever really gets better. You just get used to it.
EDITED: I've since realized from a couple of comments that this might read like I'm stopping writing or going to pull my stories from the Internet and NOT SO. I will never do an Internet flounce. I don't want to stop writing either, in fact, what I want is to write better, it's just I'm having a really hard time with that lately.
This entry was originally posted at http://auburn.dreamwidth.org/278392.html. where there are
comments. Comments are enabled on all cross posted journals.
sgareversebang story. (Such gorgeous art I got to work from, I hope the artist is pleased with the story in the end.) What a relief. Having finished other things provided no belief that I would ever finish anything again. Probably because I got my first flame. A tiny little one. Like a matchstick. But it stung and it froze me up good - if I hadn't been nearly done and honor-bound to finish, I'm not sure I would have.
I used to have a thick skin. Now, one shitty email and every ounce of confidence I had in my fanfic is gone. I hate that one person's opinion, not even expressed in a way I could respect, is still bothering me so much. It's just I don't have any reserves anymore. I know that, but knowing and feeling have this huge chasm between them. Fandom and writing have been my pleasure and escape and the place I go to replenish myself for years now, a hobby I didn't need to feel any guilt over because it cost nothing except my time. Now that well is contaminated.
Everything I've ever intended to write, I have no interest in starting or finishing. Everything I have written, I'm looking at and wondering how many people hate it and wish I'd just disappear from the Internet.
If you do feel that way, btw, why the hell are you reading this?
I told myself if I could finish the
sgareversebang story in time, I would sign up for the Atlantis Big Bang (sign ups still open until the 31st), but I hate dropping out and I suspect I might. I don't know if I want to do it or if I want to do it because I did it before.
The wifey sent me candy. I told myself I could eat it if I finished. Imma do that now. Sugar fucking therapy, right? Just don't say things get better. As far as I can tell, nothing ever really gets better. You just get used to it.
EDITED: I've since realized from a couple of comments that this might read like I'm stopping writing or going to pull my stories from the Internet and NOT SO. I will never do an Internet flounce. I don't want to stop writing either, in fact, what I want is to write better, it's just I'm having a really hard time with that lately.
This entry was originally posted at http://auburn.dreamwidth.org/278392.html. where there are
comments. Comments are enabled on all cross posted journals.