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i was talking to cannon last night about us, and how we used to be.
it was fun getting his perspective on our relationship.
he asked me whether or not i even consider him an ex, which he is, but honestly i consider him a friend first. i still care about him, he had a big place in my heart when i was absolutely at my worst.
i wish i could say the same about tom. he still pops up in my head all the time. i was going to say there's always going to be a hole in my heart where he was, but it's not a hole anymore. what he used to fill I'VE filled now, and i'm happier.
i'm sad that we can't be friends, but i understand. i really fucked up, and for all his forgiveness it doesn't change what happened. here in steamboat, what i considered the root of our history i finally let it go.
i was SO mad because i felt wronged, i felt like i'd never been given the chance to heal but i was healing by going through all of the anger and sadness and hurt that i felt. When i was trying to salvage our relationship, when i still felt like there was a chance, i wasn't feeling the depth of what i'd done, i was recognizing it, but purely on the surface because ALL i wanted was to go back to the way things were, so rather than really learn from what i'd done i hid from it.
i'm the one who put the first nail in our proverbial coffin, and the second, and the third, and the fourth, and so on... but it wasn't ALL on me, there are things that tom did, that i couldn't admit, that drove me away. i see them now and how they've continued to affect me and how i relate to people.
things went bad and our lives got in the way of us, and that's ok with me now.
we were so young when we started dating, and we could've grown together, or grown apart. i still held my basic moral values, and to me i was still basically the same person, but of course i changed, and i used to think it was bad, because it was always used insultingly, but now i'm so happy i changed the way i did because i never would've learned anything had i just stayed the same, or changed in the way tom wanted me to.
it's still weird to recognize that the person who i was SURE was THE ONE is now entirely out of my life, save the memories that i can't help but revisit here and there.
i thought i'd graduate from high school and move to winnipeg. go to school, play music, and do whatever tom wanted. eventually get married, and that would've been my happy ending.
i'm sure that would've been lovely, but it's not me, and it never was.
everything happens for a reason, and although in the beginning, my reasons were selfish and harmful, and clearly misguided, it landed me here.
life really really isn't perfect, and it's really frustrating a lot of the time. i've had a hard time finding a job, and i've had to watch all my friends get hired and tell me maybe i'm just not trying hard enough.
but i'm happy. i've let go of my "tragedy" and now i'm me again. me without tom, and me being 100% okay with that.
it was fun getting his perspective on our relationship.
he asked me whether or not i even consider him an ex, which he is, but honestly i consider him a friend first. i still care about him, he had a big place in my heart when i was absolutely at my worst.
i wish i could say the same about tom. he still pops up in my head all the time. i was going to say there's always going to be a hole in my heart where he was, but it's not a hole anymore. what he used to fill I'VE filled now, and i'm happier.
i'm sad that we can't be friends, but i understand. i really fucked up, and for all his forgiveness it doesn't change what happened. here in steamboat, what i considered the root of our history i finally let it go.
i was SO mad because i felt wronged, i felt like i'd never been given the chance to heal but i was healing by going through all of the anger and sadness and hurt that i felt. When i was trying to salvage our relationship, when i still felt like there was a chance, i wasn't feeling the depth of what i'd done, i was recognizing it, but purely on the surface because ALL i wanted was to go back to the way things were, so rather than really learn from what i'd done i hid from it.
i'm the one who put the first nail in our proverbial coffin, and the second, and the third, and the fourth, and so on... but it wasn't ALL on me, there are things that tom did, that i couldn't admit, that drove me away. i see them now and how they've continued to affect me and how i relate to people.
things went bad and our lives got in the way of us, and that's ok with me now.
we were so young when we started dating, and we could've grown together, or grown apart. i still held my basic moral values, and to me i was still basically the same person, but of course i changed, and i used to think it was bad, because it was always used insultingly, but now i'm so happy i changed the way i did because i never would've learned anything had i just stayed the same, or changed in the way tom wanted me to.
it's still weird to recognize that the person who i was SURE was THE ONE is now entirely out of my life, save the memories that i can't help but revisit here and there.
i thought i'd graduate from high school and move to winnipeg. go to school, play music, and do whatever tom wanted. eventually get married, and that would've been my happy ending.
i'm sure that would've been lovely, but it's not me, and it never was.
everything happens for a reason, and although in the beginning, my reasons were selfish and harmful, and clearly misguided, it landed me here.
life really really isn't perfect, and it's really frustrating a lot of the time. i've had a hard time finding a job, and i've had to watch all my friends get hired and tell me maybe i'm just not trying hard enough.
but i'm happy. i've let go of my "tragedy" and now i'm me again. me without tom, and me being 100% okay with that.