my sister
she helped me unpack all my stuff from schmitty's place, which was like ripping my heart out. she hugged me while i cried, listened to me talk in circles over and over again, offering compassion and advice when she could. she followed me up to rockville for a lesson, and is going to spend her last 3 hours in dc doing homework while i teach a lesson. not ideal, but better than nothing.
i don't know why i can't share this with people. i think i'm still having a hard time admitting what's happening. to myself, at least. i also worry that it's not the right thing to do. everyone tells me i have to leave him alone, give him space, let him actually decide if he wants me or not. but i am not so good at that. i know he's hurting and i want to help him through it. i don't feel like space and hurt heal people who are suffering from space and hurt. it's not who i am, to just leave him to himself. so i can't decide if it's ok to break away from the norm because the norm clearly wasn't working, or if this is the one time he's relying on me to be ME and come hug him and tell each other we love each other, and smile because that's a truth and it's the basis for every other part of our relationship.
but i think this may be the one time i've got to let him do it. considering my concern is always that he's not choosing me, and considering the fight we had before he left was about him choosing me, maybe i should leave it to him to choose. it's horrible. i don't understand how these decisions can be made one sided, and it is killing me that this is one time i can't even participate in one of the most important decisions in my life.
every day is a challenge to not write him. to not show up at his place and make him talk to me. to make him hold my hand and look in my eyes and hug me and work this out.
also, every night i come home and i hope he will be in my room, or sitting on his bike in the driveway, or text me telling me to come over. i feel like i'm on pins and needles, and i feel so helpless.
so. it's been good having jenna here. it's been good to have someone to talk to. to hold my hand on the metro and on the walk home. she bonded with emily over starbucks, and then i tried to make her trip worthwhile by taking her to big hunt. she really dug it there, and we were met by matt (my roomie) and our cousin mike. there were plenty of interesting (and interested) men flanking us, so it was nice to have some male buffers. not that we didn't spend most of our time trying to get mike and matt hooked up (to no avail). and blessfully, the bartenders apparently fell in love with us, and between the 3 of us they only charged $50 for all our drinks, which meant we left a nice $25 tip for them. (well, i left $20, matt left $5). it turned out to be a lot of fun walking to the u st. metro instead of taking the red line home. we got to take jenna to disco pizza, which she was very entertained with.
we also had a grand time critiquing every drunk bitch we walked past, and every lame guy working out of his league.
for my own knowledge, because i'm going to try to get a job there,the bartenders at hunt were joe, pat and justin. and the doorman at jojo (terry) has sworn his love to me.
jenna leaves tonight, and i go back into my existensial hell. at least it looks like em an i are going to propose taboos, so i am gearing up to throw myself into theatre and law school.