alrighty things
well, sunday i taught all my classes, and after i got done i realized i'd missed the audition i wanted to go to, so i decided to instead go pick up the medicine i'd left at schmitty's place. i knew it'd be a safe time to go because he had planned a late night movie night (so i could go to it, even though he didn't call me to tell me when or where). i got there literally As he was leaving, so i had to play a little inconspicuous in my car until he was out of sight.
i grabbed my stuff and jeffy and echo were there, and i'd missed them, so i decided to just stay and hang out for a few hours while schmitty was out. while going over everything with echo, she pointed out the dramatic nature of my exit and how that was probably counter productive. she also pointed out how it was likely that schmitty hadn't called because he was still upset and working through it, and he knew i was angry and was probably waiting for me to me a move. and the final and most important point was that i was sick of being angry, and sick of being upset, and really just wanted things to be better. so she helped me build up the courage to stay at the apt until schmitty got home. she and jeffy were rocks of support for me, and helped me not chicken out, so that when schmitty got back at 11:30, i was able to go to him VERY calmly and openly and talk out everything with him.
i was actually really proud of myself. usually when we have arguments i just get really emotional and cry and yell. but this time i stayed really calm and Kept My Mouth Shut when he was talking. i think he responded really well to it, and it made things easier to get through. i think i'd just reached a point where i'd been done feeling bad, and wanted to do what it took to feel better.
i told him how i felt like i was never 1st in his book, how i felt rejected and unwanted, as if he'd gotten what he wanted and was sick of me now. he actually had felt like we'd been growing apart and losing something, too. he, in turn, felt like no matter what he did it was the wrong thing, and didn't know how to talk to me anymore. we took some time to talk about the specific things we do that bothered each other, and the things we really appreciated about each other. it was very honest and reassuring, and i think very much what both of us needed.
i was a little irked that it was me who initiated the conversation, but i think it was better to talk to him, than spend another few days feeling terrible.
i guess he just moves on a slower time line than me.
we haven't resolved all the much bigger stuff, but we acknowledged it was there, and that it does need to be dealt with. we agreed we need to start actively making "us" time, because we haven't really had that in ages and that's probably part of the problem.
at the end of the night, i asked him if he wanted me to stay or go back to my place, and he said stay, so that was good.
oh, also, my new rules for fighting
step one: confirm that you still love each other
step two: set the rules of engagement (no yelling, no holding back, no interrupting)
step three: end with confirmation of love
so. things are moving back to better.