Keep on keeping on
My mom's birthday was in November and to celebrate we went to hear Anne Lamott read from her newest book, and then we got dinner. The night took an unexpected turn when I had an IBS attack at dinner and ended up blurting out to Mom, "I think I'm a lesbian." She was surprisingly supportive and we had a very long talk and she didn't feel like I destroyed her birthday or anything.
Both of us were glad I hadn't felt sick during Anne's reading. We even stayed long enough to get books signed, and I got to say hello to her. I've loved her writing ever since I read "bird by bird" (one of the best books on writing, in my opinion), and even more so when I read "Operating Instructions" about her pregnancy and her son's first year. As I said to her, "I felt so relieved when I read [it]. I thought, if she can do it, so can I." Meaning having kids. Anne laughed kindly and said, "Yeah, if I could do it anyone can."
As it was just a signing, not a whole coffee talk, I kept it short and didn't explain but if I had had the time I would have told her this: when I first got pregnant with Tai I spent most of the first trimester both nauseated and nervous. Also neurotic. I wondered what the hell I'd gotten myself into, and more importantly, what I had gotten Tai into. I have struggled so long with anxiety and depression, starting in preschool and through grade school and into middle school. It wasn't necessarily every day, but almost. There were better times and worse times, but it was like a low-grade sickness, always there and annoying. It wasn't until moving to San Francisco that I went to a psychiatrist and got on medication. It's made the difference between hiding and living my life.
I know there is often a genetic component to mental illness. I didn't (and don't) want to pass this on. I know what to look for, though, and I have more coping skills than I had. I have come to believe that I can do this - I am doing it. I am a mom, I am raising kids. I hope I can do it with some amount of Anne's grace and humor.
But when the anxiety hits, I find little of either. Such little things can trigger it. Tonight Miriam nursed, then was being silly and laughing and got the hiccups and then spit up a little milk. And suddenly my heart started racing, and my stomach clenched and my hands shook. The fear broke over me like a wave. I was so afraid she was getting the stomach flu. That Tai would and I would and I would have to be here through it, and not freak out because I don't want to freak them out. I have been shaky the rest of the night. Both kids played well, ate fine, went to sleep. Judy babysat while I went to see the Desolation of Smaug. Even through the movie, a little piece of anxiety nibbled at my brain. It's still nibbling. I'm trying to breathe, trying to relax, trying to remember that everything passes, both health and illness. But it's hard.
Both of us were glad I hadn't felt sick during Anne's reading. We even stayed long enough to get books signed, and I got to say hello to her. I've loved her writing ever since I read "bird by bird" (one of the best books on writing, in my opinion), and even more so when I read "Operating Instructions" about her pregnancy and her son's first year. As I said to her, "I felt so relieved when I read [it]. I thought, if she can do it, so can I." Meaning having kids. Anne laughed kindly and said, "Yeah, if I could do it anyone can."
As it was just a signing, not a whole coffee talk, I kept it short and didn't explain but if I had had the time I would have told her this: when I first got pregnant with Tai I spent most of the first trimester both nauseated and nervous. Also neurotic. I wondered what the hell I'd gotten myself into, and more importantly, what I had gotten Tai into. I have struggled so long with anxiety and depression, starting in preschool and through grade school and into middle school. It wasn't necessarily every day, but almost. There were better times and worse times, but it was like a low-grade sickness, always there and annoying. It wasn't until moving to San Francisco that I went to a psychiatrist and got on medication. It's made the difference between hiding and living my life.
I know there is often a genetic component to mental illness. I didn't (and don't) want to pass this on. I know what to look for, though, and I have more coping skills than I had. I have come to believe that I can do this - I am doing it. I am a mom, I am raising kids. I hope I can do it with some amount of Anne's grace and humor.
But when the anxiety hits, I find little of either. Such little things can trigger it. Tonight Miriam nursed, then was being silly and laughing and got the hiccups and then spit up a little milk. And suddenly my heart started racing, and my stomach clenched and my hands shook. The fear broke over me like a wave. I was so afraid she was getting the stomach flu. That Tai would and I would and I would have to be here through it, and not freak out because I don't want to freak them out. I have been shaky the rest of the night. Both kids played well, ate fine, went to sleep. Judy babysat while I went to see the Desolation of Smaug. Even through the movie, a little piece of anxiety nibbled at my brain. It's still nibbling. I'm trying to breathe, trying to relax, trying to remember that everything passes, both health and illness. But it's hard.