Light in the Darkness
I've been struggling with a low grade, constant anxiety the last few days and this evening I was wishing that I could just curl up in bed with a novel and stop thinking for a few minutes. But Tai and Miriam needed company, and dinner, and help with bedtime, so I sucked it up. At one point I realized that I'd forgotten my phone in the car, so I left Tai and Miriam inside and walked across the street to get it. For a second - a very brief second - I dreamed about running away. Getting in the car and just driving. That desire, when nothing particularly problematic is going on, makes me wonder if I need my meds adjusted. I have no reason to be this frazzled. The phobia stuff (I'm completely phobic about vomiting, for new people) is buzzing at the edges of my brain pretty constantly. (And it didn't help that when Tai asked his friend Willem's mom if we could visit today, she said, "Not today, I've been throwing up all day. I got it from him," and gestured to Willem. Please to take your germs elsewhere, I thought, and resisted the impulse to dump Purell on my shoulder where she'd touched me.) I love being a mom, I really do... but when the brain is doing it's stinking thinking I start wondering what the hell I've done.
But then Miriam was asleep by 7:30, Tai was bathed and in his jammies and we lit the Menorah, and put some ornaments on the Christmas tree, and then we turned off the overhead light and just sat together in the rocking chair and suddenly everything in me just slowed down. I wrapped my arms around Tai and rocked, and breathed in his clean soapy smell and listened to him talk.
I told him that this is what I love most about winter holidays (both Hanukkah and Christmas) - the lights shining in the darkness. The angel at the top of the tree, protecting us. It reminds me that there is peace to be found. Tonight it came up to me on quiet cat paws and curled around my heart. For that moment, in the chair, with my son, I found peace.
But then Miriam was asleep by 7:30, Tai was bathed and in his jammies and we lit the Menorah, and put some ornaments on the Christmas tree, and then we turned off the overhead light and just sat together in the rocking chair and suddenly everything in me just slowed down. I wrapped my arms around Tai and rocked, and breathed in his clean soapy smell and listened to him talk.
I told him that this is what I love most about winter holidays (both Hanukkah and Christmas) - the lights shining in the darkness. The angel at the top of the tree, protecting us. It reminds me that there is peace to be found. Tonight it came up to me on quiet cat paws and curled around my heart. For that moment, in the chair, with my son, I found peace.